Parents Getting the motivation back

[htimcj]

So how does one get their motivation to back to the gym when your gymnast has stated
1- all of her "good" friends have left. She has friends and she says no one hates her but there is no one to talk to at the gym. It's true. All of her good friends have either quit or moved states. She is also loosing her two best school friends to moving this year as well.
2- Feeling like she doesn't belong. Looks at the rest of the team and sees playfulness and chatting and no one talks to her really.
3- No one (except Mom) cares if she shows up or not.

Some back ground. DD is 12 almost 13 and hasn't started her period but I believe is getting close. She dealt with debilitating headaches all last year that pretty much kept her out of practice except for 1 or 2 times a week and competition season all last year so she is looking at repeating level 7 for a third time. Although last year hardly counts as she only competed twice. We have the headaches mostly under control. She still gets them but not as often. She is a very reserved kid. Not outgoing until you really get to know her. She is liked but kind of ignored. With that said when something goes wrong or when she struggles with something the girls around her will encourage and cheer her on. So they don't have anything really against her. it is also getting hard on her because we live in a place predominately one religion and that religion is notorious for staying with their own. Kind and friendly but don't get too close unless you are in the club so to speak and we don't belong to the club.

So is this all pre-teen angst and it will pass? If so how do I get her to the gym when the motivation is just not there? Do I give her a break and see what happens? I am afraid that if I do this the feeling of isolation will just get worse as her teammates move on. Encourage her to quit? I have asked if she just wants to quit and she says she doesn't know. To me that says she should stick it out a bit more until she KNOWS ( she's almost 13, this is something she can decide on her own)
She says she just wants to love gymnastics the way she used to and doesn't know how to get there again.

Suggestions?

 

[munchkin3]

I have two good friends with 12 & 13 year olds who were dealing with intense negativity and loss of motivation in the gym and they switched gyms. The problem was within the gym. Motivation must come from the program and the teachers and once it is lost, it is hard to get it back. Sometimes it takes an abrupt change to give a fresh start. Plus, at this age, senseless gymnastics looses its charm. I find that they need a bigger reason to do it like competing as a team, or thinking about college etc....
If your dd has lost her friends, and feels like she does not belong, that's a big red flag because at her age, her friends matter the most. I would say that if you want her to stay in gymnastics, you need to find a place with many girls her age......
The trick is finding a program that is good!
Do you have options?

Btw, teenagers don't know what they want....so I wouldn't put the weight on her to decide......she IS Moody and confused and its up to you to guide her.......DONT encourage her to quit!!!! The gym is the safest place for teenagers!!!!!!!!

 

[profmom]

My DD is a lot like yours -- very shy and reserved and tends to have one or two close friends rather than a lot of them. Every time she loses that friend in her workout group, it's very tough for her. About all I can say is that up until now, she's always managed to make another friend.

With that age, I think the most important thing a parent can do is listen and validate the reality of the intense feelings that come with the territory. I've learned that the moment when the feelings are very intense is not the right moment for rational problem-solving. After such a wave has passed, however, one can talk through what the problem really is and how it might be broken down and addressed. Many times the things that seem overwhelming and highly distressing at night are not all that bad in the morning, and sometimes a reminder that hormonal surges (for both boys and girls!) can make things feel very intense is helpful. It may not make the feelings easier to have, but it does make them easier to understand if the kid knows s/he will feel a lot better soon even though the situation remains the same.

 

[htimcj]

Thanks. Unfortunately there are no other options for gyms.

 

[munchkin3]

Ok, then as profmom says, do a lot of listening, and work through her feeling with her.
Does the gym know what's going on? Can they help re motivate her?
When my son was 13 and was in this hole, the coach gave him a small group of recreational boys to help with and this was very good. He felt empowered.

 

[kris]

I don't know how big the team is, but could you set up a get together outside of the gym for the girls in her level or near her age or even just one girl she especially gets along with? My gymnast is hard to get to know, and group get togethers outside of the gym went a long way to making her feel included. They had sleepovers, went to the mall once, had a movie night, started inviting each other to birthday parties, etc. It's a tough age, and my 12-yo DD did switch gyms recently, but not because of social issues. Hope she finds her motivation soon, or comes to peace with moving on.

 

[NutterButter]

Oh wow, I feel for your DD and the tough year she has had. Along with having good friends leave, has her practice group changed too? Is she with different girls now than she was when she competed 7 the first time? Are the girls in her group her age? How long has she been with her current group? And how long has she been back to a more regular training schedule? She may just need more time getting back into the groove. My DD sounds very similar to yours and it took her a LONG time to feel like she fit in (she started gym "late" and is the oldest one in her group). She didn't feel like she truly fit in until after she went through a competition season with her group.

 

[htimcj]

I don't know how big the team is, but could you set up a get together outside of the gym for the girls in her level or near her age or even just one girl she especially gets along with? My gymnast is hard to get to know, and group get togethers outside of the gym went a long way to making her feel included. They had sleepovers, went to the mall once, had a movie night, started inviting each other to birthday parties, etc. It's a tough age, and my 12-yo DD did switch gyms recently, but not because of social issues. Hope she finds her motivation soon, or comes to peace with moving on.

I have suggested trying to have some more team type fun outings to try. We have reached out to a couple of the girls in her group that she is friendly with. We got some tickets to the Pac-12 championships and our families were supposed to sit together for it. Instead the girl decided to sit where she didn't actually have tickets for with a different friend. It was very painful to be rejected like that.

 

[htimcj]

Oh wow, I feel for your DD and the tough year she has had. Along with having good friends leave, has her practice group changed too? Is she with different girls now than she was when she competed 7 the first time? Are the girls in her group her age? How long has she been with her current group? And how long has she been back to a more regular training schedule? She may just need more time getting back into the groove. My DD sounds very similar to yours and it took her a LONG time to feel like she fit in (she started gym "late" and is the oldest one in her group). She didn't feel like she truly fit in until after she went through a competition season with her group.

In our gym level 7-10 practice together with l8-10 going an extra day so the girls she trains with haven't changed really. Everyone works on their own thing during the workout, sometimes working with one kid then they move on to the next rotation and work with someone else. Most of the girls are pretty close in age. The level 7-8 group is 12-14 with a few older ones in level 9-10.

part of the problem I think is she hasn't been able to get back onto a regular training schedule. The summer has been really wonky with unexpected closing due to HC father's illness, then our own vacations that were planned for when the gym was supposed to be closed but now isn't and then of course a seriously sprained knee and migraines.

 

[NutterButter]

I think lack of consistency is a huge part of it. At the very least I would encourage that she stick with it for a several months. Especially if she's going to be heading into a school year where two of her BFF's are not there. It doesn't sound like she dislikes gymnastics but rather the social aspect which sounds like could be tough (at least in the beginning) of her school year. I think that once she is back on a more regular training schedule that her teammates will get used to her being around consistently and your DD will become part of the gym banter with the chit-chat/playfulness (this is so hard for my DD to be the first to engage in). My DD confuses people not talking to her as a sign that they don't like her or that she doesn't fit in. This is not true at all and she has lots of friends. But it can be hard for kids who are reserved to see how they may inadvertently be making it more difficult for themselves.

 

[B.Gold]

Has she tried any other sports outside of gymnastics? I would maybe consider making a little time for her to just try another sport. She may either find another passion in her life that she loves as much as she used to love gymnastics. Or she may come to realize how much she does love gymnastics and feel recommitted. I've seen it work both ways.
One thing is for sure, as a gymnast she will be able to walk onto any sport and feel accomplished. It may just give her a boost of confidence.

 

[gracyomalley]

Your DD and mine seem to have gone through some very similar stuggles, although for different reasons. And at the same age. Mine has been on the "not sure" about gym roller coaster for over a year now. Both of them also lost or started to struggle with skills due to physical issues (my kids vestibular stuff, your DD migraines) and probably puberty. We also have no other gym options.

For my kid, a lot of it had to do with friends/beloved coaches, as well as the gym atmosphere changing from a big happy family to a group of older girls who are primarily there to hang with their close friends and work - and although mostly kind (with few, although large, exceptions) they really don't care tons whether DD is there or not - the younger/her age/lower level girls do (the L6-7s and 10-12 year olds), but the 8-10s - not really other than her couple of remaining close friends. I think this age (late middle school/early high school) kids really do stop working hard at being everyones friend and start focusing almost exclusively on themselves - its normal for teens, but hurtful for the younger ones or the less "included" ones. Her best friend quit a few weeks ago, and another one is really struggling both with the skills/strength to ever make it out of L7, as well as the commitment to come to practice and work hard enough to do so..and I'm not at all sure she will stay through competition season. Her remaining best bud is a very talented L9 who hasn't yet hit puberty or ran into a skill that she couldn't get fairly quickly. They don't get to train together much because they play around too much, anyway! DD is clearly capable of being a strong L8 this year (for our region, anyway) - and has recovered a bunch of her lost skills from her 3 months totally off and 4 more of very part time last year (which was technically like a 3rd year of L7, although she didn't compete it, she stopped doing all her L8 stuff, soooooo)...Whether she is actually out there in January remains to be seen.

I do know that when my DD did "quit" (actually just be unable to make herself go back for 3 months...) she tried to get involved in a few of the things she had put on the back-burner for gym and didn't find a replacement - and she really missed gym and felt that she hadn't "finished" it...she went back initially just to stay fit and see how she felt about it, and took another 4 months to decide she wanted to train seriously again. She still feels like her "love of gymnastics isn't always there any more", but sometimes it is a bit...and she wants to "finish what she started" (L8).

She has had to let go of the warm/snuggly feeling her previous team gave her, and separate her friendships from her gymnastics - which is a work in progress, believe me!!! She really loved her old gym (which closed) but I think the new one is actually a more appropriate training environment for upper level/older kids - they have fun sometimes, and they are kind to each other, the coaches do really care, but there is no hand holding, rainbows and unicorns (which DD says she really misses!). Its all part of growing up.

I'm not sure DD would have gone back if her brothers hadn't been in gym as well - she never "left" the gym life even during those 3 months. But I'm glad she did for whatever reason. I'm super happy to see her doing L8 back tumbling, double flight series and BT on beam and giants again - even if they never get competed because now when she IS ready to be done she will do so not because she CAN'T do something, but because she truely CAN but no longer wants to - and that is a much different place to grow into a healthy happy adult from.

I get the friendship thing, as I was once a 12/13 year old girl - but I still cringe because I am now a 47 year old woman and know that there are far more important things in life than who you sit with at break!

I did not make her go into gym when she was hysterical last fall. I did make her eventually speak with her coach and when she wanted to go back I made her speak up for herself. I have been making her do 5 days a week and privates this summer (until last week when she got mastoiditis again and barely avoided IVs in the hospital, but that's a different blip in her journey) to help her make up for all she missed, and because she really started to hang back when she felt like she didn't belong. One of her old coaches returned and has confidence in her (her HC has confidence in her, but truely believes the kids should do it for themselves and not their coach - this has led to DD not being sure if she "likes" her....another tween thing) - he got her doing things she'd been hesitant to do for a year, in 2 privates - but part of that is probably that she had a year to grow, finish (mostly) puberty, and decided what she wanted. She has not balked at the extra work this summer, except to complain a little about whether a friend would be there, because she's committed to "seeing if she's committed" if that makes any sense. Its been quite a journey.

I could probably have had her just walk away last fall - many parents would have but I'm super stubborn and I felt like there were too many things that hadn't been in her control that led her to question her gymnastics. She was not deciding out of a position of strength and confidence but out of one of poor self esteem, hurt feelings and frustration/fear. And she was 11/12....I know that's not a baby but its not all grown up and ready to figure it out on your own either. We did do some counseling with her old counselor (she was really rocked by the broken trust with her old HCs behavior and needed to process it), and I think that helped - she decided to go back to gym with the counselor and then they told me, so I sort of was able to stay out of it.

We have been blessed with a HC who although not the rainbows and unicorns type does truely care for each kid and really wants the kids to get whatever they can out of this sport - so has been flexible with DD to the point of letting her not compete last year, and being willing to do really creative L8 routines (which maybe won't be needed now that she can go backwards again, but still). There have been other girls who have gone through the same stuff and HC has worked with them - probably your HC has too. Its unfortunately very common for the kids to struggle at this age and the social stuff is part of that struggle - perhaps your HC or other coaches can help your DD "reframe" why she does gymnastics and what her goals are for this year so that she can see what her motivation is? For mine this meant moving away from "winning state" and "getting 37s" and "college scholarship" to "finishing what I started", "feeling strong and healthy", "finding ways to overcome my challenges", and "have fun doing gymnastics"....


Once my kid has worked for those goals and followed through on that commitment, I guess then if she's not excited about L9, I'll encourage her to retire....

hope that's a little helpful -

 

[duyetanh]

I have suggested trying to have some more team type fun outings to try. We have reached out to a couple of the girls in her group that she is friendly with. We got some tickets to the Pac-12 championships and our families were supposed to sit together for it. Instead the girl decided to sit where she didn't actually have tickets for with a different friend. It was very painful to be rejected like that.

Ouch...that would really smart. My heart hurts for her on that one.

 

[gracyomalley]

Oh and I'll add that for one of DD close friends the social issues are even harder I think. She also is in between levels and having trouble fitting in and really sad at how the upper level girls treat her. Mostly just not including her in parties and get together, trouble finding a partner for drills, etc...not anything a coach can "fix". It's tough when they don't feel great about their progress and you add the social issues. Sometimes "the moms" just want to fix it all....

 

[htimcj]

Gracyomalley- Thanks for you story. She's going to make a decision as to what to do by Monday.

 

[MILgymFAM]

It's so hard to deal with the social aspect of gym. The gym is a bit like their sun and the rest of their life orbits around it. My DD has been having social issues at gym too, since switching. It started out as outright bullying, which the HC put a hard stop to, but continues as basic apathy. They could take her or leave her, but no ones going out of their way to make her feel like family. We have gone out of our way to make her a part of anything fun we could, but then she left for almost 3 weeks this summer and I am pretty worried about what it will be like when she goes back next week. Her issues are compounded by not fitting in, level wise. Her entire group competed five together and is moving on to six or seven and her decision has yet to be made between four and five (she has never competed JO before). I hope your DD does get her motivation back, as it's wrong for this type of stuff to get to suck away their joy... I get the mom feeling of wanting to fix it but being unable... Hugs to you too. I hope it all works out for the best.

 

[mndl]

Just wondering about the headaches. My friend's daughter started getting terrible headaches when she was around 10/11. They would be so bad she couldn't go to practice or stay at practice, they took her to neurologists and other doctors and no one could figure out what might be wrong. She was determined to get to optionals so managed to compete last year at level 7 but then was just done. Even her coach said it was time to quit b/c she just didn't feel it was safe for her to compete. Guess what, the moment she quit the headaches completely went away and she hasn't had them since. I think sometimes the body starts sending out signals it can't handle it anymore long before the brain realizes it.