Parents Handling meltdowns and coaches who refuse to see kids as individuals

[twinmomma]

So my daughter's Xcel team has two coaches. One who has been with the team for two years, a college girl, and another who's new that comes from a hardcore compulsory background. DD is 7. The new coach NEVER praises in practice, at all. Not even a backhanded "that's good but...". She doesn't like talking or laughing in practice and she will take action when there is, such as sending girls home or making them do push ups. She's loosened up some, and DD, after a rough few first month or so with her, seemed to level off.

Until last night. The problem is my daughter's been singled out as one of the ones they want to move over to the JO team. And the coach is riding her more than the other girls. I'd move her now, but we're in the middle of the Xcel competition season and I want her to fulfill her commitment. I tried talking to the coach last night, just letting her know that I absolutely believe she is working on things that need to be worked on but that DD is looking for her approval when she does things right. Her answer was she won't really tell them that because then they will just do the one thing they got praised for and nothing else and that it's my job as her parent to be proud, not her coach. I said I get that, but kids know their parents are supposed to be proud no matter what, and approval from their coach - the expert - means more.

The problem is her tactics seem to be working fine on the older kids, but the two youngest with the most potential to move over, my DD and one other girl, are getting hammered by her and she's going to destroy their love of the sport in what's left of the season. There's only so much I can counter it. The other coach is young and adores DD and seems to be tempering it some, and thankfully the JO coach she'll be moving to loves DD also and talks to her regularly. But how else can I help her get through the next 10 weeks to finish the season without ending up with her deciding she's done?

I'll add the whole "refusing to see them as individuals" is about her treating the 7 and 8 year olds the same as she treats the 17 year old and the 12 and 13 year olds we have.

 

[kimute]

it's my job as her parent to be proud, not her coach.

Oh my. That is not good. I'd move to JO now based on this. Besides, 10 weeks is a long time.

 

[MaryA]

It sounds like you've done what you can do in this situation, unless you want to take it a step further and talk to the head coach. It's been a long time since my DD was 7, so I'm having trouble remembering what would be "age appropriate" here? Have you asked her if she would rather finish competing or switch now? Is switching now actually an option? If it is, I would definitely consider it. I understand about wanting your DD to see out her commitment, but she is little and this is supposed to be FUN!

 

[twinmomma]

I'd love to move her except she wants to compete and I don't want to take that from her. But I don't know. I really am on the fence.

 

[LizzieLac]

Coaches are human too and should be able to feel proud of someone. As an aside, having emotions does not make a "weak" coach, or an easy coach. I wonder if she does not want to be perceived as "emotional" or soft coach...??

 

[twinmomma]

I think there's a cultural issue at work for sure. She's Bosnian and was trained this way. Work work work, no talking no laughing no fun. She has a child but he's only a baby so she doesn't truly comprehend I don't think.

 

[gymdog]

I would just explain that to your daughter, that this is coach's personality and culture , it is different than what we are used to, etc. and if she understands that is how it will be if she wants to continue for the next few months. If she is okay with that, I would let go and not ride her about it at all. Sometimes kids are able to handle these things and it's more stressful when they feel like they're being watched. But if she is showing signs of truly not being able to handle it, you should pull her now with no further thought to it.

 

[iwannacoach]

The new coach NEVER praises in practice, at all. Not even a backhanded "that's good but...".

......but that DD is looking for her approval when she does things right.

I'd sure hate to be either you or the "nice" coach in this situation. It's hard to do damage control for a 7 year old in an attempt to counter this type of coaching.

Praise when deserved is a great motivational tool, and this coach has a pretty weak excuse:

she won't really tell them that because then they will just do the one thing they got praised for

What's wrong is she can't believe the kids want to learn and move on to new skills. No wonder, because when kids get only a dry critique they don't see the utility in learning a skill to hear the coach say something nice. It's a self fulfilling prophecy of failure and burnout for kids who are wired to receive praise and use it to fuel their desire to improve.

Age and level has nothing to do with it either, as I've seen top age group kids and one elite walk into the gym with the intention of quitting. Why would a successful young teen want to quit..... because a coach who functions without offering praise is perceived by the gymnast as not being proud of them and not caring. Not every kid needs praise, but some, including promising age group kids and elites.

I know what I would do, and I think you also know what to do.

 

[kandkfunk]

Age and level has nothing to do with it either, as I've seen top age group kids and one elite walk into the gym with the intention of quitting. Why would a successful young teen want to quit..... because a coach who functions without offering praise is perceived by the gymnast as not being proud of them and not caring. Not every kid needs praise, but some, including promising age group kids and do.

This^^

She may be okay for the next 10 weeks with an end in sight. However, I wouldn't want this coaching style for too long. Been there, done that and it isn't too successful for my sensitive and eager to please kiddo.

 

[my4buffaloes]

That is a hard situation. I know your dd is only 7, but can you explain to her how this coach was raised differently and therefore thinks differently about how to coach. That she isn't trying to be mean or negative, but that is just who she is. You can even say you don't agree with her, but that it is only 10 more weeks and you all just need to get through it. Then you can pour on the praise during this time. Hopefully the 10 weeks will go quickly.

Another option would be to explain both options - staying and finishing the Xcel season and dealing with the coach, or switching mid-season, not competing anymore this year and getting the nicer coaches. See what she wants to do.

 

[ollieblueeyes]

I think I would give her the choice as well. Typically I am all for finishing up what you started etc. but there is another important lesson that can be taught. Sometimes you can't fix situations out of your control. If you (she) has done everything you can to fix a situation and is still not OK, it may be time to walk away. I think this is also a good lesson to teach our daughters.

 

[beamer]

At first, before you mentioned this coach was Bosnian, I was convinced you were writing about the coaches at our DD's first gym.

My husband and I referred to the head coach and her assistant coach as "terror and comic relief". I don't think we ever saw the head coach smile or utter a kind remark in the four years DD was at her gym! It was all up to the assistant coach to provide the kids with any humanity there.

As any good parent, teacher or coach knows, dealing with kids involves a healthy balance of terror/comic relief and praise/criticism. And there has to be room for a little levity in the gym, so it's not just a slog through grim workout after grim workout.

I am ashamed to say it was our DD who finally got fed up with it and made a decision on her own to move to another gym. It should have been us making the decision...much earlier.

 

[twinmomma]

Here's my issue with giving her a choice. She's 7. Ask any 7 year old "Do you want to stay with the mean coach or go to the one who's nicer?" and they will go with the nicer one, and they lack the big picture ability to recognize they won't be going to competitions with their friends until it's too late. I don't know that she's mature enough to understand the choice truly. She's a smart kid, but she's still 7.

That said, one of the lessons my wife and I are trying to get her to see is that you don't always love your coach, or your teacher, or your boss, etc... But you have to find a way to make it work and when the time is right you move on, you move up, you do whatever. But you don't just walk out because it's hard or frustrating or whatever. If we let her bail because it's hard now, the next time it gets hard, or the nice coach has a day when she's strict, or whatever, her inclination is going to be to bail. She'll learn that's an acceptable choice. That's my bigger fear, not that she won't move up to JO level 3, or whatever, but that the life lesson will be that it's ok to leave when it's hard. I agree, you can't fix every situation. But if I hate my boss, I don't quit my job. I apply and interview and only when I've found another one do I leave.

What's interesting is this coach also teaches rec classes and is a TOTALLY different person in rec classes. She has a competition team switch that gets flipped.

 

[mommyof1]

I am all for life lessons about dealing with different personalities, finishing what you start, etc. However, in this situation I would either give her the choice or just move her to JO now without asking her. If her long-term goal is to compete JO and the gym is willing to move her now, why not go ahead and get her on the right track as soon as possible? To go along with your job analogy, she HAS found another job with a better boss, so she's not quitting because it's hard--she's moving on to a better situation that will further her larger goals.

I say this as a parent who recently let her daughter of the same age suffer through a similar coaching situation for six months, but without a second "nice" coach around to make things better. I thought it would be all right because my daughter was only going to work exclusively with this coach for one year, sometimes things went fine, she seemed to be learning strong basics, and she's mostly a tough little cookie. But after she started crying during practice, telling her coach "this isn't fun any more," coming up with excuses to get out of going to practice (e.g., "I just don't feel flippy today"), melting down in the car after every practice, and begging me to get her a new coach, it was just too much. Fortunately there was a coaching change just as we were getting ready to pull her from the gym, but now I wish I had done something about it much sooner. The point of gymnastics is to build your kid up, not to tear her down.

 

[twinmomma]

I guess right now in my mind her "job" isn't finished at the old place yet because she still has four meets left, that I don't want to take away from her because she has a bad coach. It seems to me like I'm punishing her for the actions of her coach. And I know that a big part of our decision to do Xcel this year was because she would get the competition experience without the higher pressure of the JO program.

 

[gymmomtoo]

Is she (your daughter) showing stress from the coaching style or otherwise indicating she wants to quit?

You seem pretty set on keeping her in xcel until the season is over and I can understand that--so I would just make sure your DD knows that coach's style doesn't mean she dislikes your daughter or anything--it's just the way some people coach.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

then maybe she isn't ready to move over to JO....

 

[twinmomma]

Why would you say she isn't ready to move over? Because a coach who is making all of the kids cry is also making my kid cry?

 

[Jen H.]

We went through a similar time with a tough coach as well, the coach came from a very strong gym and she is also a Brevet judge- in other words, she knows her stuff.

Quitting was never a consideration for my daughter, she loves the sport too much. I tried giving her tactics on how to communicate with this coach- simple things like how to keep your body language "open" while taking corrections.
I told her that it wasn't that her coach disliked her, but that her coach saw something in her and wanted her to be her best.
I also told her that I trusted the program, and that I believed that they had her best interests at heart. (I really do believe in our head coach and our program!)

I swear this coach took her almost to her breaking point...and then back!
This coach has earned a tremendous amount of respect from my girl, and my daughter actually likes her now. Coach meany has even given me a few compliments on how hard of a worker my girl is. I admire her now too, but remember when I wanted to jack her up in the back of the gym at one point for making my girl cry.

If you believe in the program, stay the course.
It is more than just a gymnastics lesson to be learned here.

 

[mommyof1]

There is a huge difference between "tough" and "mean." A tough coach is demanding and sparing with her praise but also consistent, fair, able to give corrections that the gymnast can understand and apply, and genuinely concerned about developing the gymnast to her full potential. My daughter's old coach was just plain mean--she would use conditioning as punishment for failing to make corrections that my daughter didn't understand, lash out at the whole group if one child was misbehaving, and berate the kids for not knowing how to do things they had never been taught to do. Staying with a tough coach can be a great character-builder. Staying with a mean coach is just a mistake.