Parents Handling meltdowns and coaches who refuse to see kids as individuals

[kandkfunk]

There is a huge difference between "tough" and "mean." A tough coach is demanding and sparing with her praise but also consistent, fair, able to give corrections that the gymnast can understand and apply, and genuinely concerned about developing the gymnast to her full potential. My daughter's old coach was just plain mean--she would use conditioning as punishment for failing to make corrections that my daughter didn't understand, lash out at the whole group if one child was misbehaving, and berate the kids for not knowing how to do things they had never been taught to do. Staying with a tough coach can be a great character-builder. Staying with a mean coach is just a mistake.

Very well said Mommyof1.

There is definitely a distinction between mean and tough. My DD had a coach who thought an appropriate assignment was to ask a group of level 5/6 girls to do 100 kip-cast-handstands each. These girls were no where near having this skill by themselves, so it was pretty pointless. She watched for a half an hour alternating her behaviour between laughing at and berating the girls as they tried their best. This was not the first or last time this coach got a kick out of assigning impossible tasks and watching as the girls got frustrated and felt defeated. To me, that is just a mean person being mean to kids. There was no coaching going on during this time period. She did not spot the girls or tell them what they were doing wrong. If a girl cannot do one of these skills on her own, how does she do 100?! One girl actually changed gyms as a direct result of that "assignment". This coach could also offer praise and be nice at times, but she just had this mean streak running through her that made you cringe.

Tough=great experience for most girls
Mean=run for the hills
Parents are pretty good and judging the difference between the two.

Just my two cents from my DD's personal experience.

 

[Kiwi]

I don't think this is an issue of age or even emotions. When you are learning anything, you need to get both positive and 'negative' feedback, i.e. you need to know what you got right, and what needs improving (and preferably, how to improve it). Coaches don't need to give tons of gushing emotional praise, even just a single word such as 'better' when someone makes a correction could be enough. When they get something right, you want them to keep doing it. Getting nothing positive back leaves you feeling as if you are not getting anything right, and getting only negative comments can make it feel as if you are just no good at it.

 

[gymdog]

I wouldn't overthink it. You have two choices, stay with this group or not stay. There are no other choices I see. Personally I would explain to my child that this is just the way this person is and ask if they can understand that. Then finish the season.

 

[iwannacoach]

I don't want to put words into coachp's mouth, and let me apologize in advance if I misunderstood your post, but it read to me that your daughter seems, according to your thread starter, to need the experiences of a low key competitive season. I took from his comment that he's suggesting that a child who needs that low key experience is not ready, by that default, to move into a JO program. I'm kinda conflicted between the two choices but considering your dd wants and needs these meets I would suggest staying as long as you feel the damage control can be kept up an be effective.

I also want to fortify the notion that coaches from the former soviet union, as well as their prodigy coaches are hard to relate to and understand. They are very firm in their beliefs with respect to expectation and discipline, and the majority are reserved in praise.

It's not you....it's her.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Why would you say she isn't ready to move over? Because a coach who is making all of the kids cry is also making my kid cry?

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Well which is it? you either want her to get that experience to get her ready for JO or not. Sounds like she is getting it. And if you want your child to be in the hardest sport in the world, you can expect some hard coaching.

 

[twinmomma]

Dear coachp
Our gyms level 3 JO coach does not conduct herself the way our Xcel coach does. She's NOT getting that experience. And I resist the idea that just because it's gymnastics coaches are expected to be a**holes. Our level 3s do very well without being berated and without having praise withheld completely. I have zero problem with coaches being tough and strict and expecting focus from the kids. I have a problem with a coach who thinks coaching a 7 year old is the same as coaching a 15 year old and who believes that she is going to get results from kids by making them believe they cannot do anything well. Your flippant comments that my daughter isn't ready because her coach is unwilling to recognize that she is working with kids and not robots doesn't really help.

 

[profmom]

I think the tough/mean distinction is part of why DS's primary coach is greatly appreciated by the boys, even though some of the parents think he can be too hard on them. He is not big on praise, though if someone does something that is right at the top of his capacity, the coach will tell the guy "good job." That's a really key piece of it for me -- does the coach recognize when a kid is doing something that is the absolute best THAT kid can do, as opposed to giving everyone feedback based on meeting the same standard (which the strongest ones meet easily and could push further and the weakest ones just can't reach, no matter how hard they try).

 

[twinmomma]

Sorry for the double post but the app won't let me see past a certain post length. I appreciate everyone's insight. I'm well versed in sports with kids. I coached high school and my son has been in multiple sports since he was 3. I expected a level of focus and seriousness and the reason we went Xcel is because the 3 hour practices for JO were exhausting for my daughter so we stepped back this year since it's her first season.
Last nights practice was much more low key. We talked a lot beforehand about some of the cultural differences and how being focused on correction doesn't mean her coach isn't proud and doesn't recognize her hard work. So for now we stay. Next competition is the weekend of Feb 1.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Dear coachp
Our gyms level 3 JO coach does not conduct herself the way our Xcel coach does. She's NOT getting that experience. And I resist the idea that just because it's gymnastics coaches are expected to be a**holes. Our level 3s do very well without being berated and without having praise withheld completely. I have zero problem with coaches being tough and strict and expecting focus from the kids. I have a problem with a coach who thinks coaching a 7 year old is the same as coaching a 15 year old and who believes that she is going to get results from kids by making them believe they cannot do anything well. Your flippant comments that my daughter isn't ready because her coach is unwilling to recognize that she is working with kids and not robots doesn't really help.

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Hard to say what is really going on, don't forget this is the internet and you are on observer in a gym. I get complaints all the time about the exact same thing about various coaches (including myself). Sometimes parents don't understand and sometimes the coach really isn't doing a good job. Who knows...again this is the internet and you are an observer.... With that said, I would rather have my coaches take the tough approach and make the kids work hard. In other words error on the side of toughness and results. So let her stick it out (which is what you said) and then she will be in another group... Question,, , is she getting better?

 

[MaryA]

Question,, , is she getting better?

She is 7. For me the question would be, "is she still loving gymnastics?" It doesn't matter if she's getting better if she quits. I'm all for explaining cultural differences and such, but if, in the end, you really do feel like this coach is sucking all the fun out of the sport for your DD (and certainly you know the answer to this better than any of us out here in Internet Land do), then I think switching her into the JO group sooner rather than later is a reasonable choice.