Parents Has anyone ever...

[KipNurse]

Made the decision for their gymnast to take them out of the sport? I won't go into too many details but for the time away from home, DRIVE TIME (big one), and financial piece, I don't believe it is in our family's best interest to stay in the sport. My kid loves it. She is talented but by no means on any elite or probably college path. But it's all she's known.
We are most likely making the call to have her move on to other things...but I just wanted to see if anyone has been here or known a family that has done this.
Thanks in advance,
Signed,
Mean mom

 

[John]

@KipNurse that is a tough spot you find yourself in. Without more details it's hard to give an opinion. My daughter is 11, she is committed and works very hard. I could not take gymnastics from her without trying everything to meet the time and financial requirements. If she was younger and not yet so committed I believe I could take her from the sport. At her current level of commitment the only way I could take it from her is if she was getting injured repeatedly or not giving her all. My two cents.

 

[KipNurse]

@KipNurse that is a tough spot you find yourself in. Without more details it's hard to give an opinion. My daughter is 11, she is committed and works very hard. I could not take gymnastics from her without trying everything to meet the time and financial requirements. If she was younger and not yet so committed I believe I could take her from the sport. At her current level of commitment the only way I could take it from her is if she was getting injured repeatedly or not giving her all. My two cents.

Thank you for your thoughts. This may fall under the "not giving her all" category. She's 12. Working hard is of course all relative...She works hard. Doesn't cheat in strength...etc etc. But I would say not giving her all with having the "head game" to work upskills.

 

[raenndrops]

Thank you for your thoughts. This may fall under the "not giving her all" category. She's 12. Working hard is of course all relative...She works hard. Doesn't cheat in strength...etc etc. But I would say not giving her all with having the "head game" to work upskills.

Is there a closer or less time-consuming gymnastics option closer?
I know that at least 22 states have YMCA teams. They are often a less expensive option and usually require less travel for meets. Some of these YMCAs have through Level 10 (those gyms often also give the option of competing USAG in addition to YMCA meets). In other areas where there are not enough YMCAs, the teams do compete in USAG meets too.
In my area, we have 10 teams within a reasonable driving distance... and we are the farthest north. On the way to one of our meets, we pass the exits for 3 of the other Ys within 10-15 minutes.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

She's 12, and that's a tough age in itself. Be prepared to have your daughter very upset and even bitter for a long time. It might feel like losing a friend or family member for her, so please don't underestimate her reactions and feelings. I don't know her personality so it might be that she doesn't show her feelings at first or doesn't show them straight, but she might show other symptoms like shutting down, seeking attention, acting up etc. And I warn you that some adults are still upset about their parent's decision to take them out of sports that they loved when they were kids. So please explain it well to her and try to give options for her to stay involved in the sport. Occasional open gym, assistant coaching in rec classes once a week, going to watch some higher level meets in the area etc if she wants to... And help her find a sport that SHE likes but that suits your family's needs.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I’ve done it. Different situation where gym wasn’t mentally healthy for my kid at that time, but the commute (3 hours on an average day) and the money played into it heavily too. We spoke to her a month ahead of pulling her (she was 14 at the time) and let her know what was going to happen. We told her that we were giving her warning so she could come up with other things she wanted to try to fill the gap. She came up with CrossFit, rhythmic, acro, and T&T- she was already dancing and planned to continue that. We couldn’t find a CrossFit that accepted teens, the acro team wouldn’t give her a tryout because their roster was full, and she ended up competing rhythmic and t&t. That said, we moved far away and our situation changed, and she went back to artistic (oddly enough she preferred to stay in rhythmic but that didn’t work out in our new home). She’s been very, very happy and fairly successful in going back. That said, as a military family, adaptability is a big thing for us. My kids have been forced to adapt to new situations again and again, so it might be easier for them than the norm. When we very first told my daughter, I was crying- I felt so bad for taking it away from her- but she was mature and understanding. She cried for one night.. and then she got to planning.

We also ended up having to take T&T away from my younger DD. When we moved the commute for T&T more than tripled, plus the cost doubled, plus she was dealing with SEVERE mental blocks. She was also mature about it, and has since poured her energy successfully into dance, but she still misses T&T a year later and gets teary about it sometimes- and this child is my stoic. Gym can mean so, so much to them. In the end though, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do as a parent. Just try your best to help her find something new that she can love. Good luck!

 

[Taxidriver]

I’ve not had to do it myself and can imagine how difficult the decision would be to make.
Obviously I don’t know all the details and whilst she might resent you for making the decision for her, you have to do what’s right for your family.
I know a family who made the decision for their dd, they gave their dd lots of notice, several months, they also got her to try out other sports (which were more local) whilst still doing gym so by the time she left she was already settled in another sport of her choosing.

 

[NutterButter]

She is talented but by no means on any elite or probably college path.

Thank you for your thoughts. This may fall under the "not giving her all" category. She's 12. Working hard is of course all relative...She works hard. Doesn't cheat in strength...etc etc. But I would say not giving her all with having the "head game" to work upskills.

Whatever you do, don't bring these two factors into your discussion with her. You will risk sending the message that you don't believe in your DD's abilities rather than the practical aspects of why the sport doesn't work for your family. What level is your DD? Upper level optionals is just plain hard. It is draining and exhausting to support an athlete at this level and even more so when they are struggling with the mental aspects of the sport. Before you make her quit, please consider if you aren't forcing her out because of YOUR ideals of what her experience in the sport should be.

My parents forced me out of the sport when I was 13. I have never forgiven them for this.

 

[KipNurse]

Whatever you do, don't bring these two factors into your discussion with her. You will risk sending the message that you don't believe in your DD's abilities rather than the practical aspects of why the sport doesn't work for your family. What level is your DD? Upper level optionals is just plain hard. It is draining and exhausting to support an athlete at this level and even more so when they are struggling with the mental aspects of the sport. Before you make her quit, please consider if you aren't forcing her out because of YOUR ideals of what her experience in the sport should be.

My parents forced me out of the sport when I was 13. I have never forgiven them for this.

Thank you for your input. Why did they force you out? And I'm sorry And you've given me something to think about for sure.

 

[Madden3]

My husband and I did not take my son (14) out of gymnastics, but last month we did tell him he had to choose between staying on his gym team and the (expensive) summertime training for a different sport he hopes to be able to do in high school. He wanted to do both, of course. Because kids want everything. And I wanted him to be able to do both. Because parents want everything for their kids. But it was simply impossible financially (and difficult time-wise.)

It was a very difficult decision for him. As he put it: "my gym has been my whole life for 7 years." Of course it had not really, but that is how it looked to him and in many ways, to me as well. Also he understands that getting on his HS team in this other sport is a long shot even with the summer training, so he was trading a 'sure thing' for pursuing a dream. Still, he ultimately chose to "take a break" from gym. That first week out of the gym was rough for him emotionally, but now he has time (and we have the money) for solid training in this other sport, plus (at my insistence) he has started doing summer training with the HS cross country team as well, and finding he enjoys it despite his determination to hate it.

In his case, he needed another intensive physical activity, done in the company of peers, to move into when he left gymnastics. That has made the transition easier.

Also, if you had asked me if my son would make the choice to leave gymnastics, even for another sport, just a couple months ago, I would have said no way. In fact he always refused to consider playing any other sport because it would mean missing gym training time. So, sometimes time takes care of the issue of gym or no gym.

 

[John]

@KipNurse I did some more thinking about this. I suggested I would not take it away from my daughter and that I would do what it takes to allow her to continue her dream. I have not changed my mind but I thought maybe if my daughter stopped giving her all would that be her asking me to take it away? Kind of like gym suicide? I think when she turns 12 next year we will have a sit-down talk about her sport and the need for her to make those hard decisions based on her wants in her life. If things are safe and she is comfortable in gym then as her dad I am satisfied and I need her to decide what she wants and then apply herself.

 

[NutterButter]

Kind of a long story but the short version is that we moved from a rural town to a suburb in a major city. My parents chose the suburb in part because the school district had a top notch music program....but no gym. They said I could continue gym if I could find one. I remember getting the phone book out to look up gyms and asking my mom where different suburbs were in relation to our town. All of them were too far away for her to drive (two were only 15-20 minutes away but at the time I didn't know this because I didn't know my new city and it's possible my mom didn't know this either at the time). Meanwhile my mom frequently commented that "All are Welcome Here's are NOT athletes". My sister was recruited to the high school track team and my mom laughed and again said "All are Welcome Here's are NOT athletes". My sister never went for it. I STILL hear this several times a year when my mom marvels at her two athletic grandkids and openly wonders where they get their athleticism from. My take away as a kid/teen was that gymnastics (and really all sports) was not valued by my parents and that my desires and wishes didn't mean much to them. And now DH and I laugh at my mom's mantra that we aren't athletic people.

I'm sure this is very different from your situation. The two reasons you mentioned - money and time are valid reasons to quit the sport. The point I was trying to make was just to be sensitive to your DD's desires and do all you can to make the transition easier. My parents thought they were doing right by finding a school district with a strong music program for me and my sister. There was thought and intent in this decision. At the same time though, they were dismissive of other interests my sister and I had.

 

[John]

@NutterButter Sorry. I try to remember kids have their dreams and those dreams are real. Sorry again.

 

[kayjaybe]

I haven’t pulled my dd out, but I came close a few years ago. She was struggling with mental blocks and it was becoming unhealthy for her. All her friends had moved up levels and she did not. She was becoming VERY negative about herself (I suck, I’m the worst on the team, I’m stupid, I’m terrible).

I told her that she needed to come to peace with where she was in the sport and do the sport for herself, not for her friends or to be a certain level. If she couldn’t get to a more positive place in her mind, I would need to pull her out because it wasn’t healthy for her.

Well, 5 years later, she is still in the sport. Many of those friends have left the team or the sport altogether for various reasons. She CHOSE to repeat L8 last year because it fit best with what she wanted to do with school, friends and work. She is getting ready to enter her Junior year of HS and planning to be an event specialist in L9. She is doing gym on HER terms and is happy (for the most part).

I don’t need her to be on the top of the podium. I don’t care if she ever makes L10. This is HER sport and she has good days and bad days. She has days when she works like crazy and days when she is lazy....just like we all do in life. There are days when she is trying SO hard but things aren’t going well and it might look like she isn’t even trying. There are other days when everything is coming easy.

If you truly can’t do it because of finances or time, that is a completely fair reason to pull her out. But if you are only thinking that because you feel like she isn’t trying hard enough, just be sure you aren’t equating progress with her trying, because they don’t always align.

Best of luck to you and your DD!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Kind of a long story but the short version is that we moved from a rural town to a suburb in a major city. My parents chose the suburb in part because the school district had a top notch music program....but no gym. They said I could continue gym if I could find one. I remember getting the phone book out to look up gyms and asking my mom where different suburbs were in relation to our town. All of them were too far away for her to drive (two were only 15-20 minutes away but at the time I didn't know this because I didn't know my new city and it's possible my mom didn't know this either at the time). Meanwhile my mom frequently commented that "All are Welcome Here's are NOT athletes". My sister was recruited to the high school track team and my mom laughed and again said "All are Welcome Here's are NOT athletes". My sister never went for it. I STILL hear this several times a year when my mom marvels at her two athletic grandkids and openly wonders where they get their athleticism from. My take away as a kid/teen was that gymnastics (and really all sports) was not valued by my parents and that my desires and wishes didn't mean much to them. And now DH and I laugh at my mom's mantra that we aren't athletic people.

I'm sure this is very different from your situation. The two reasons you mentioned - money and time are valid reasons to quit the sport. The point I was trying to make was just to be sensitive to your DD's desires and do all you can to make the transition easier. My parents thought they were doing right by finding a school district with a strong music program for me and my sister. There was thought and intent in this decision. At the same time though, they were dismissive of other interests my sister and I had.

That just stinks and that is the kindest thing I can say.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Thank you for your thoughts. This may fall under the "not giving her all" category. She's 12. Working hard is of course all relative...She works hard. Doesn't cheat in strength...etc etc. But I would say not giving her all with having the "head game" to work upskills.

Don't know her level, nor do I know your time constraints and financial situation but regarding

"not giving her all" or "having the head game to work upskills"

I realize I don't know your kid. But I would suggest you reflect on why you think these things. Again, you don't owe any of us an explanation but as the degree of difficulty goes up it just takes longer. Not every kid is a fearless skill chucker. Especially as they get older an yes 12 in the mental game of gymnastics qualifies as older.

She is realizing this is scary stuff.

So my long story for pondering.

If I were to base my kids progress, "not giving her all" or having the "mental game" on how quick she acquired skills, the mill circle and kip might of made me pull her.

My molasses moves quicker then my kid acquiring skills. But she keeps plugging away. Not unhappy and not quick. They have been drilling for tsuks for more then a year I would say. And started the kids doing actual tsuks last year. Mine could flip them into the pit. Everyone else on her team has been flipping and landing onto the mats, for months, oh they weren't necessarily pretty or doing them consistently...... but way ahead of my turtle. Who just this week has now landed them multiple times on her feet, on the mat.

I tell you this not to get kudos for my kid. But because its her sport, her learning curve. She was/is not miserable taking so long. And that is not to say she has not had frustrating moments. Of course she has, but she is overall happy in the gym and happy with her progress.

I've had folks, (even around here) tell me she couldn't possibly get to optionals doing low hours and with her slow progression. And no she doesn't score as well as 20-30 hour kids, especially if she doesn't do a second year at what ever level. So it means less medals. She is OK with this.
No she isn't going to do gymnastics in college, certainly not on a gymnastics ride, certainly not Div 1.
Clearly the Olympics and Elite are not her path

Folks will say why have her do this then? Aren't you wasting your money and time?
What she has gotten out of gym has been well worth the money and time we have spent.
She is strong. Recognized as the best female athlete at her school.
She has learned a ton about patience, hard work, being well rested, time mangagement, how much strength and conditioning helps in many areas.
This sport will help her if she decides to change directions and move to a different sport and I do believe she could do Div 3 in a different if she decides to change direction.

Please make sure when thinking about your daughter and her progress its about her and not about what the outside is doing.

 

[KipNurse]

Don't know her level, nor do I know your time constraints and financial situation but regarding

"not giving her all" or "having the head game to work upskills"

I realize I don't know your kid. But I would suggest you reflect on why you think these things. Again, you don't owe any of us an explanation but as the degree of difficulty goes up it just takes longer. Not every kid is a fearless skill chucker. Especially as they get older an yes 12 in the mental game of gymnastics qualifies as older.

She is realizing this is scary stuff.

So my long story for pondering.

If I were to base my kids progress, "not giving her all" or having the "mental game" on how quick she acquired skills, the mill circle and kip might of made me pull her.

My molasses moves quicker then my kid acquiring skills. But she keeps plugging away. Not unhappy and not quick. They have been drilling for tsuks for more then a year I would say. And started the kids doing actual tsuks last year. Mine could flip them into the pit. Everyone else on her team has been flipping and landing onto the mats, for months, oh they weren't necessarily pretty or doing them consistently...... but way ahead of my turtle. Who just this week has now landed them multiple times on her feet, on the mat.

I tell you this not to get kudos for my kid. But because its her sport, her learning curve. She was/is not miserable taking so long. And that is not to say she has not had frustrating moments. Of course she has, but she is overall happy in the gym and happy with her progress.

I've had folks, (even around here) tell me she couldn't possibly get to optionals doing low hours and with her slow progression. And no she doesn't score as well as 20-30 hour kids, especially if she doesn't do a second year at what ever level. So it means less medals. She is OK with this.
No she isn't going to do gymnastics in college, certainly not on a gymnastics ride, certainly not Div 1.
Clearly the Olympics and Elite are not her path

Folks will say why have her do this then? Aren't you wasting your money and time?
What she has gotten out of gym has been well worth the money and time we have spent.
She is strong. Recognized as the best female athlete at her school.
She has learned a ton about patience, hard work, being well rested, time mangagement, how much strength and conditioning helps in many areas.
This sport will help her if she decides to change directions and move to a different sport and I do believe she could do Div 3 in a different if she decides to change direction.

Please make sure when thinking about your daughter and her progress its about her and not about what the outside is doing.

Well this is just the sweetest reply ever. And thank you ) You have your head on straight mama. I appreciate your wise words.

 

[KipNurse]

I haven’t pulled my dd out, but I came close a few years ago. She was struggling with mental blocks and it was becoming unhealthy for her. All her friends had moved up levels and she did not. She was becoming VERY negative about herself (I suck, I’m the worst on the team, I’m stupid, I’m terrible).

I told her that she needed to come to peace with where she was in the sport and do the sport for herself, not for her friends or to be a certain level. If she couldn’t get to a more positive place in her mind, I would need to pull her out because it wasn’t healthy for her.

Well, 5 years later, she is still in the sport. Many of those friends have left the team or the sport altogether for various reasons. She CHOSE to repeat L8 last year because it fit best with what she wanted to do with school, friends and work. She is getting ready to enter her Junior year of HS and planning to be an event specialist in L9. She is doing gym on HER terms and is happy (for the most part).

I don’t need her to be on the top of the podium. I don’t care if she ever makes L10. This is HER sport and she has good days and bad days. She has days when she works like crazy and days when she is lazy....just like we all do in life. There are days when she is trying SO hard but things aren’t going well and it might look like she isn’t even trying. There are other days when everything is coming easy.

If you truly can’t do it because of finances or time, that is a completely fair reason to pull her out. But if you are only thinking that because you feel like she isn’t trying hard enough, just be sure you aren’t equating progress with her trying, because they don’t always align.

Best of luck to you and your DD!

Such GREAT thoughts! Thank you so much. You kind of described my kid actually..."days when she works like crazy and days when she is lazy"...."days when she is trying SO hard"...etc. etc. I'm glad I reached out....I've gotten some great words of wisdom.

 

[Annikins]

I pulled my dd from another activity (not gym) that she was doing 6 days a week. I didn't feel she was dedicated enough to warrant the amount of time and expense doing it. We couldn't, for example, afford a family holiday. She was not planning on doing that activity as a career, and from my point of view, the only way to justify the time and money spent on it is if it was her dream, and then maybe the family would deal with the sacrifices. But to her it was a hobby, and it was way over the top for that. We explained this to her, and warned her a year in advance that she would be leaving, and constantly pointed out all the advantages - time to try this or that, affording a holiday, etc. In the end, despite her being adamant she didn't want to leave, she has never looked back. She tried other things that first year, and although she enjoyed trying them, they didn't really work out. She is now back doing the activity, but in a different place, in a much less stressed environment, much less hours, much cheaper way, so it works for the family, and she's happy too. Is there a lower commitment option for your dd rather than stopping altogether? Also giving her plenty of warning and pointing out the positives of the change all the time. Good luck in what you decide, I hope she understands that the family just can't cope with the cost and time. Not everyone is as rich as each other (something I had to explain to my dd!!)

 

[acam1103]

That is such a tough spot to be in. I know we sacrifice a ton in terms of drive time and money as well (with 4 on team it is ridiculous what we spend on this sport). And obviously if we just couldn't do it anymore, they would have to quit. But I have one who tries hard all the freaking time, and 3 who are more normal kids. They have their good days and their bad, they sometimes get "sent to the bench" for not working hard and one is repeating a level despite having skills to move up because he is a bit of a slacker. But they are still gaining so much from this sport and I still see the value.

I was a competitive gymnast. I was awful. Like truly, terribly, awful. We watch home videos of my frog legged vaults and epic falls from bars and just laugh. But man I loved it. My parents pulled me out for failing 6th grade social studies when I was 11 or 12. I pretty much felt like my world had collapsed. I was SO angry. At them, at myself. I really couldn't deal with it. After a few months (and bringing my grade up) they let me go back. I think I would have held on to a lot of bitterness if they hadn't. On the flip side, if they had said that we just really couldn't afford it as a family anymore I would have been devastated but just with sadness, not anger. And I would have understood and not been bitter. I think anyway. So I do believe the reasons, and the believability of the reasons (from your daughters perspective) will matter immensely.

Good luck, parenting is so so so hard.