WAG I hate how they treat me.

[mamaS]

Dear one-
I know what you're going through is so so painful. My sweet daughter suffers this way as well. The truth is, it has very little to do with you. The behaviour you mention might be ignorance but, most of the time it's a character flaw on their part. All you can do is hold your head up high and be proud of yourself. You keep being you. They may never "get it" but, you won't let their cruelty change the wonderful person you are. It's weird how when you want something so much and others know it... they hold it back. It's maybe a sense of control. No matter, it hurts. Hang in there kid. Feel free to vent here anytime. Big hugs..

 

[OzZee]

(hugs) your post brought tears to my eyes. I just want to go and knock those girls heads together and ask them what are they thinking. Teenage girls can just be so rude and horrid.(well actually at any age)
Be proud that you are being true to yourself and still cheering on these team mates and being there for them. You sound like the sort of girl I'd like on my daughters team.
I hope next season there is some movement in the teams and you have some lovely team mates to train with. And never forget that you are a lovely person and you have great friends outside the team who know you are awesome.

 

[profmom]

You've gotten a lot of sympathy and support, and that is good and affirming for you. If you need to convince yourself to take action, though, tell yourself, your coaches, and your teammates that this is about team. A team can't function effectively if it excludes a member or doesn't support a member. A team has to work together. What these girls are doing is cruel to you, but they are also damaging themselves and their aspirations for the team. I know it feels good to vent, but don't leave it at just venting.

Try to rise above the emotional and personal nature of the abuse and think about it as a problem your coach has to solve for the team. And keep in mind that in many cases, this kind of behavior, while it feels very personal, is not about the target at all. It's about the abuser's/bully's own insecurities and issues. Definitely not a good mindset for a successful gymnast!

How old are these girls anyway?

 

[gymcricket]

You sound like a very kind person who reaches out to others when there are successes in the gym, as well as when you see others hurting. I hope that you feel very proud of yourself for that, as I'm sure your parents are. I'm so sorry that this kindness isn't returned and think that the adults involved should be doing a much better job and have a zero tolerance policy for this outright meanness and bullying. I know that your gym is just a minute away and it's "good" in terms of gymnastics but it's not a positive environment for you or the other girls, for that matter. No one thrives emotionally in a place where that kind of lousy behavior is ignored.

I'm a counselor and have worked before in schools where this is happening. If there's not a willingness from the top down to confront this behavior, then it festers. If there's a small group of kids who go up through the grades (in a school) or the levels (in gymnastics) together, then it's hard to change kid's opinions or treatment of each other. You may be doing everything right and yet the others may not give you a chance unless the coaches and gym owner and parents make it very clear that this behavior won't be tolerated.

I'm concerned for you because it can be hard not to turn their ugly behavior into feeling bad about yourself, even though it has everything to do with their issues and not yours. Please make sure you keep reaching out, that if you feel lonely or bad, you reach out to friends and family and this forum so you don't feel so alone. No gym is "good" enough or convenient enough to disregard your emotional health. Think about seeing if you can -- behind the scenes -- join practice some other area gyms once or twice and see what you think. I think that could do several positive things for you: 1) show you what your possible alternatives are so they don't seem like scary or unknown options, 2) make you feel more powerful because you do have the power to change gyms, rather than feeling stuck with a lousy situation, 3) perhaps could put more pressure on your current gym to deal with the problem (you sound like a high-level gymnast and the gym should have a vested interest in making sure you are safe and being treated well so they don't lose you), and 4) if you don't like the other possible gyms, it will help you to focus your efforts on changing things in your current gym environment.

I know it feels like a huge risk to let your mom talk to their moms but I would let that happen. It could make things better but if it doesn't and gets worse, then you and your parents will have more clarity about switching gyms. You shouldn't have to shoulder all of this negativity by yourself.

Know that you have a whole community of people here rooting for you and supporting you. You deserve so much better.

 

[bogwoppit]

That is an excellent post. ^^^^^ I agree and would like to reiterate this is not about you, this is about them. You can always come here to share, we are moms, dads, coaches and gymnasts, we care and we totally get it.

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

You sound like a very kind person who reaches out to others when there are successes in the gym, as well as when you see others hurting. I hope that you feel very proud of yourself for that, as I'm sure your parents are. I'm so sorry that this kindness isn't returned and think that the adults involved should be doing a much better job and have a zero tolerance policy for this outright meanness and bullying. I know that your gym is just a minute away and it's "good" in terms of gymnastics but it's not a positive environment for you or the other girls, for that matter. No one thrives emotionally in a place where that kind of lousy behavior is ignored.

I'm a counselor and have worked before in schools where this is happening. If there's not a willingness from the top down to confront this behavior, then it festers. If there's a small group of kids who go up through the grades (in a school) or the levels (in gymnastics) together, then it's hard to change kid's opinions or treatment of each other. You may be doing everything right and yet the others may not give you a chance unless the coaches and gym owner and parents make it very clear that this behavior won't be tolerated.

I'm concerned for you because it can be hard not to turn their ugly behavior into feeling bad about yourself, even though it has everything to do with their issues and not yours. Please make sure you keep reaching out, that if you feel lonely or bad, you reach out to friends and family and this forum so you don't feel so alone. No gym is "good" enough or convenient enough to disregard your emotional health. Think about seeing if you can -- behind the scenes -- join practice some other area gyms once or twice and see what you think. I think that could do several positive things for you: 1) show you what your possible alternatives are so they don't seem like scary or unknown options, 2) make you feel more powerful because you do have the power to change gyms, rather than feeling stuck with a lousy situation, 3) perhaps could put more pressure on your current gym to deal with the problem (you sound like a high-level gymnast and the gym should have a vested interest in making sure you are safe and being treated well so they don't lose you), and 4) if you don't like the other possible gyms, it will help you to focus your efforts on changing things in your current gym environment.

I know it feels like a huge risk to let your mom talk to their moms but I would let that happen. It could make things better but if it doesn't and gets worse, then you and your parents will have more clarity about switching gyms. You shouldn't have to shoulder all of this negativity by yourself.

Know that you have a whole community of people here rooting for you and supporting you. You deserve so much better.

As a kid who was bullied this same way in school, I wish I had spoken up and let my parents know what was going on.
I am heartbroken for you and hope that getting others involved (parents, coaches) will help!

 

[Granny Smith]

Your coach really needs to be made aware of the situation. I can't say it will improve how things are outside the gym, but you do deserve respect from your teammates and to feel included in the team, especially at the gym.

 

[Flipomaniak]

The youngest is 14 and the oldest is almost 18.

I have been told to "take action" before but I just don't know how... How can I just go tell them? My mom says that I need to bring it up with the girls first, but I just can't bring myself to do so...

Today we have workout in the morning, break and lunch then workout again in th afternoon. All of them just left. They are going to lunch and to see a movie then come back to train. I asked them about it, "So you guys are going to see Pitch Perfect?" "Yup" "Sounds like fun! That movie looks good." "Yeah" *Turns around* "Guys lets go!" So I'm all alone here...

The adults aren't aware at all of anything being wrong... Except for my mom.

 

[coachmolly]

That is just awful behavior, especially for kids of that age and level- they are old enough and have been in a "team" environment long enough to know how to respect people, even if they aren't best friends with them. If they plan on continuing on to college gym as you mentioned some are, they are in for a huge wake-up call. I coach high school girls and I would absolutely want to know if this kind of thing was happening within my team so I could help them work through it and make the team experience better for everyone. You obviously love gymnastics and the gym should be a fun, safe, and happy place where you can feel good about yourself. So I encourage you to let a coach you trust know about what is going on. Now would be a perfect time if they just left you sitting in the gym without them around.
I'm so so sorry you are going through this, I would LOVE to have you on my team and any coach would be silly to let mean girls lead to you leaving. You sound like a great asset to any program, not only as a gymnast but as a person. Sending lots of love and good wishes your way!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

this is just pitiful. perfect example for kids this age to learn how and why and when you use the middle digit or Moutza. listen here, Flipomaniak...you were born in to an imperfect world. it's the hardest part about growing up. and when you get to the age that you are where you realize that people can just be jerks. the easy way is to be JUST LIKE THEM. the hardest is being yourself and be who you were intended to be...which is NOT THEM. this process is just like gymnastics. you toil, you sweat and sometimes cry at the frustration of it all. but what you learn over time by NOT being sucked in to their vortex will be that there are people out there JUST LIKE YOU. look for them. you sound like an old soul. you will have to be patient and wait for others to catch up to where you are in the 'emotional maturity tank' department. you might just be mature beyond your age. this is why you are so sensitive to what you see going on around you. great skill to have. you'll realize this later. keep your chin up...and don't bother looking at yourself in the mirror. you won't see anyone different than who you have already become. always remember that it is easier to be evil. and evil lives a lonely existence later. a hug from me thru the computer to you. that's all.

 

[MeetDirector]

Given the season and the troubling times we all live in, I don't think it could be said any better than Dunno has said it. Hang in there and keep moving forward.

Good Luck.

 

[cbone]

Flipomaniak, the first thing you need to figure out is if you really want to hang out with these girls who seem to disregard you. If the answer is, "Yes.", I have a question for you. By the way, don't feel bad if you really do want to hang out with them. Adults are very quick to play the, "If they treat you like that, you don't want them as friends." card. That's not fair to tell you how you should feel. If you do want to hang out with them, my question is this- Why do you think they are brushing you off?

 

[superflipgirl]

Please, remember that this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. You are a kind person who reaches out to help other people, and they don't see that. They are just jerks to not treat you the same way you treat them. I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like they probably aren't going to change if they act the way they do. It sounds like you've done everything you can to be nice to them, and they just aren't returning that. Just wondering, what level are you on? Maybe if it bothers you that much, it's time to check out another gym. I don't know if anyone realizes this, but gymnastics isn't really something you can just enjoy on your own, it is just as much of a team sport as any other, and it is incredibly hard to enjoy gymnastics without support of your teammates, which you obviously aren't getting. I'm really sorry you have to go through this, and wishing you luck. Remember, you don't deserve to be treated this way at all!

 

[Flipomaniak]

Thanks again for all the kind words. The plan is for me to do level 10 this year. I do want to hang out with them! They have so much fun together. I don't think I have done anything wrong to have them brush me off... Superflipgirl you're right, I don't enjoy going to gym as much as they do in that sense but I do love the sport.

 

[Lucy's Mom]

Thanks again for all the kind words. The plan is for me to do level 10 this year. I do want to hang out with them! They have so much fun together. I don't think I have done anything wrong to have them brush me off... Superflipgirl you're right, I don't enjoy going to gym as much as they do in that sense but I do love the sport.

Thats the thing sweety. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong! If this situation can't be fixed (I suggest this gets fixed ASAP!) make sure it doesn't affect your gymnastics. Level 10 is huge! Be proud and happy even if your team is not.

*Hugs*

 

[kayjaybe]

I'm so sorry you are feeling hurt.

Is there 1 girl (perhaps the youngest one) that maybe you could start to reach out to individually? Maybe invite a single girl to a movie or over to your house or something. Rather than trying to reach out to the whole group, find one person that you can start building a relationship with. It can be hard to break into a "group," but if you have someone "on your side" to help you, it can make it easier. Or even if you can't break into the group, sometimes it is better to have 1 really good friend than a bunch of friends that are not as close.

I'm going to throw something out there in effort to help: is it possible that you are overdoing the praise and comforting, etc and people are reacting negatively to that because it seems over-the-top or not genuine? If you over-praise or praise every little thing, it can put people off because they don't see you as meaning it. This is still not a reason for them to treat you as they have been doing, but it could be something that is contributing. Try dialing it back for a bit and see if that helps.

And I agree with others to talk to your mom and coach. You can even ask the coach to NOT intervene but to keep an eye out the bullying behavior in hopes that the coach can give you some advice on how to handle it. By doing it that way (rather than having the coach handle it for you), it will help you learn how to handle a very difficult situation, puts the coach on notice about what is happening to help prevent it in the future, and doesn't let the others know that you spoke with the coach.

You seem like a strong, kind, wonderful young woman. I hate that you are feeling left out and alone. Just keep being yourself.

 

[bookworm]

well this all sounds just dreadful...but so typically middle/high school girl bullying behavior, unfortunately...and as one poster said, unless the change comes from the top, it won't happen. Several years back I read "Queen bees and wannabees" by Rosalind Wiseman...it's a great book that can help you see these girls behavior for what it is, bullying...which has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.

 

[littlegirlsdream]

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is incredibly painful when people treat others this way. I know it can be a very difficult situation. My dear daughter, though younger than you, has been in this very position. I did talk to the mothers and I am sad to say they responded in a way that made it crystal clear to me why their girls behaved this way on the first place. My daughter, like you, is very encouraging and comforting to others and is often met with ugliness. She is very perceptive and doesn't miss any look, snarky remark or cold shoulder. For her the coach finally witnessed first hand the mean spiritedness that was going on. After that she sat the kids all down and gave them a very serious lecture about how this was a team and if she ever sees or hears of anyone not being a good team member they would be asked to leave the gym. She told them all team members deserve to feel at home in their gym and anything less wouldn't be tolerated. That seemed to really help curb the mean behavior at the gym which allowed my daughter to enjoy her sport again.
As others have said keep reaching out, you deserve better and sometimes you have to demand better. That might mean finding a new gym so dont be afraid to do whatever it takes to find what you need. Hang in their and please know you are not alone!

 

[ALgymMom]

Awww... Pack up & move to AL! We have a gym full of sweet southern girls that do everything together & love each other like sisters. Karma will get those mean girls!

 

[cbone]

Is there 1 girl (perhaps the youngest one) that maybe you could start to reach out to individually? Maybe invite a single girl to a movie or over to your house or something. Rather than trying to reach out to the whole group, find one person that you can start building a relationship with. It can be hard to break into a "group," but if you have someone "on your side" to help you, it can make it easier. Or even if you can't break into the group, sometimes it is better to have 1 really good friend than a bunch of friends that are not as close.

I'm going to throw something out there in effort to help: is it possible that you are overdoing the praise and comforting, etc and people are reacting negatively to that because it seems over-the-top or not genuine? If you over-praise or praise every little thing, it can put people off because they don't see you as meaning it. This is still not a reason for them to treat you as they have been doing, but it could be something that is contributing. Try dialing it back for a bit and see if that helps.

I agree wholeheartedly! Divide and conquer always works well when breaking into a group. Sometimes it just takes one girl to vouch for you to get you into the group. As far as doing something "wrong", there just may be a perception that the other girls have that needs to be broken. It may take time, but it sounds like you'll do fine. Keep smiling!