Parents Is Favoritism a Normal Thing - What Would You Do?

[gymmama504]

That sounds awful!! I would not want to be there. Our coaches do have favorites but they generally try to keep it not obvious and they still train the girls equally. While it's normal to have some kids you prefer working with, 99% of what you described is not normal snd a red flag!

Besides all of that, I was just told that I'm paying a lot more money than any of them... which is enough to make me go get my daughter right now.

I guess I should be happy that my money is their favorite, but not my child. LOL.

 

[gymmama504]

Again, is she receiving quality coaching? Do you feel she is safe? All this other stuff you outline is noise. I especially discount things that are from second and third sources (ie I heard from another parent who heard, etc). I know how things get changed and distorted (kinda like that telephone game). Treated fairly is relative what? The "favortisms" that you have outlined seem to have little to do with actual gymnastics and gymnastics coaching.

I dont intend to come across as mean, but I do want to offer an alternative viewpoint. I know so many posts like this always end up with a bunch of group-think, ya! ya! I know its irritating to see another gymnast seeming to be liked more by coaches, but its going to happen anywhere. The problem is when it bleeds into actual coaching. You have to do what you think is best for your child. If you dont like the situation, change it.

And after speaking with someone else, I just realized that I'm paying several hundred more dollars a month than they are.... I guess they at least favor my money lol.

 

[gymgal]

I also just found out that I've been paying several hundred dollars more a month than them... there is some backstory that could explain some of it, but dang! Heck no. I'm out.

I have never been in a similar position but from reading all the posts here through the years, by the time you begin questioning whether it's time to leave (or quit for a gymnast), it's long past time because chances are you have been ignoring/denying for quite a while. wishing you all the luck finding a new place.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

If this is actually happening, I’d be moving gyms.

 

[gymmama504]

If this is actually happening, I’d be moving gyms.

Yes it is happening. And yes, the nail in the coffin has been hammered! And yes, we are done.

 

[GymnastMomX2]

Way too many red flags in your post(s). Favoritism happens, but this is extreme, and I’d be gone. I hope you find a better gym home.

 

[Dahlialover]

Thank you. I have tried so hard to think this is ok and that I am overreacting.

That is completely unacceptable on many levels. Please don’t accept it! I hope you can find a new gym ASAP!

 

[SupportingHerDreams]

Some of the things in the original post sound like possible SafeSport violations. I'm not an expert though, maybe someone with more knowledge could respond, but I don't think coaches are allowed to give gifts under SafeSport and the private field trip is highly concerning!

 

[klipspringer]

This is NOT normal i'm 13 and I have to pay for 1/8th of my training. If I had to pay SEVERAL HUNDRED DOLLARS MORE than I would quit right away.

 

[ReluctantGymMom]

Can I offer some perspective as someone who has a child that was perceived to be a “favorite” (not to the extent you’re describing, the gym had 2 girls they were obsessed with though that they behave this way with)

I worked the front desk at the gym so 1) I paid much less tuition monthly than everyone else. The girls who were coaches favorites all had parents who worked at the gym.

2) my daughter was always playing in the lobby early before practice or eating snacks with the coaches after practice because I was there until closing time - but I know it made people mad to see her there, inside the gym, as if she lives there (which at that point we totally did live there) but she scarified sleep, family time, normal dinners so that I could pay for her at that time. Yes, after practice her and another coaches daughter would be working upskills for fun - but she was literally just stuck in the gym waiting for me.

3) when coaches show favoritism towards a child, it hurts that particular kid - seriously. My daughter is an obsessively hard worker - she takes more turns than anyone and usually has to be told to stop practicing by the coaches. In turn, the coaches tell the kids who are skipping turns or asking to be done to be more like my kid. This makes the other kids mad, and then their parents tell them to work like my daughter (this is what happened this season). You know what happens then? The girls are awful to my kid because they don’t like the comparisons being made. My kid isn’t better than them, but she’s a perceived favorite and it makes other kids want to isolate her.

Coaches should do a better job of not saying one kid is better or doing better than another, because the girls also have to be together for an insane amount of time and building animosity makes it terrible for everyone

If you’ve had enough of your gym, I hope you find a better fit for your daughter but just wanted to offer you the opposing perspective on some of the things you mentioned

 

[Lucia]

I understand that I may be reading way too much into this and I may be way off base, and maybe it’s because of my line of work, but my first thought when you mentioned the coffee-making and stuffed animal gifts was that this sounds like grooming behavior.

 

[Dahlialover]

my first thought when you mentioned the coffee-making and stuffed animal gifts was that this sounds like grooming behavior.

Agree 100%

 

[GymnastMomX2]

I understand that I may be reading way too much into this and I may be way off base, and maybe it’s because of my line of work, but my first thought when you mentioned the coffee-making and stuffed animal gifts was that this sounds like grooming behavior.

This felt “off” to me too.

 

[SupportingHerDreams]

I understand that I may be reading way too much into this and I may be way off base, and maybe it’s because of my line of work, but my first thought when you mentioned the coffee-making and stuffed animal gifts was that this sounds like grooming behavior.

Exactly why I mentioned SafeSport!

 

[Astraea_9]

Is favoritism a common thing? We seem to have a few "favorites" at our gym.

Examples of what I see as being favoritism. Please tell me if I am seeing this incorrectly or at least give me another perspective. I'm not the only parent who has noticed it.

1. These two girls are allowed to constantly work on upgrades. Others are told either they can't because it's not safe or they are told they can, but time always runs out and they don't get around to it.
2. The faves get to make the coach's coffee every morning and play around in the gym lobby while the others are conditioning.
3. The coach has brought them stuffed animals (only them). Petty, I know, but why just them?
4. The coach told just them that they will get to take field trips over the summer to a gym that has a pit that they can use for vaulting.
5. Some are told they can move up if they get a certain qualifying score by a certain date, but after doing so, the coach forgets about it or ends up saying no. The two favorites get to move up.
6. New routines are promised and are not made. They are made for the favorites though.
7. The coach tells the other girls that they need to ask for one of the favorite's autograph because she will be famous one day.
8. At this point, some of the other girls have normalized this behavior and just accept that they don't get treated the same because "they aren't the favorites."
9. We did bring this matter to our coach about 5 months ago (in a more subtle way, without mentioning names - just more like our daughter was coming home upset and we wanted to know maybe if he knew why). We were told that our daughter needs to be more like XYZ (he said her name - one of the favorites) because she does what she is told and doesn't get too emotional. THIS ONE REALLY TICKED ME OFF! Like who says another kid's name in a parent meeting?
10. XYZ (the one that my daughter is supposed to be mimicking) is emotional all of the time. She also is sure to tell her teammates when she's done better than them at meets. She is also sure to cry if any of them beat her. I've seen it. Others have seen it. Others have cried because of what she's told them.
11. When they present for the coaches at training, the favorites are always "perfect".

My daughter has had to work through some tough mental blocks. She loves the sport and tries. I almost feel like she is being faulted for having those blocks.
I often feel like maybe the coach doesn't see value or potential in my daughter (and some of the others). I feel like he really doesn't care if she's there.
I am not a helicopter gym parent. I let the coaches do their jobs and trust (maybe stupidly) that if I need to know something, they will tell me. Other than a rare text here and there, I stay out of it. But at this point, I am over it and don't know if I should move gyms or just get used to this and chalk it up (no pun intended lol) as part of this sport.

Enlighten me.

Points 2 and 3 are clear favoritism. Points 1 and 4 may simply be related to different abilities. It may be that these two girls are more advanced in a particular skill and therefore ready for upgrades the others aren’t. If they are more advanced in vault it may be appropriate for them to train up a skill that requires a pit that the others aren’t ready for. In light of points 2 and 3 I think this is not the case though, as couch does favor them. Point 5 is just bad coaching all around. Telling a gymnast they can definitely move up when they hit a certain skill is not appropriate. They need to have the skills to compete the routines that level. They may be able to score high in current level but if the next level requires a kip and they don’t have it they can’t move up. Point 6 is hard for me to judge because my daughter is not at the level of creating custom routines for each gymnast. Point 7 is fine if said once, especially if they actually are good enough to make pro. But repeatedly saying that is demeaning to the other kids. The other points are really about how everyone reacts to the situation. It is obvious you will get nowhere with this coach, they are convinced these girls walk on water. Take your concerns to the director instead. If that doesn’t help I would consider switching gyms.