Little Bully

[Shelovesthebars]

My 5 year old daughter just had her 3rd level 3 meet and she has done a fantastic job at all of them. There is a 6 year old she competes against on her own team that is bullying her in class and during meets. She does things like sticking her tounge out and saying awful things to my dd before she goes up on her events. While my daughter has been able to still rock her events (and in the process leaving this girl in the dust) now my daughter tells me she doesn't want to do any meets any more becaues this girls is scaring her. I don't feel like I can go to the parents because they treat my daughter in the same way and say things about her. I have always had a kill them with kindness attitude and usually it works. I need to bring it up with her coaches. How do I do it without being personal when right now I am at my wits end with this family? This family has signaled out my dd as the girl to beat and are upset she is doing well. The parents make comments to me openly. For example, my dd went to open gym and was working her level 5 skills. The mom lost it! She wanted to know how many privates we were doing a week and with what coach. My friend spoke up and said absolutely none. She just works hard. Now she has this child in multiple privates a week to catch up. She is one of the parents constantly coaching from the sideline. I feel like the kid may be frustrated with her parents, know it is because of my dd and now taking it out openly on her. I feel for the kid but I feel for mine too. Help!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

well...you gotta say something to the coach/owner. again, sounds like the other family needs to exit.

 

[gymnut29]

I would go to the coach and talk only about what your daughter has told you or you have witnessed between the girls. Leave the parents out of it, coaches probably know all about the parents.

Just mention to the coach what happened at the meet and how your daughter is scared. Ask if she can keep an eye extra eye out for the little girl saying mean things to your daughter and others.

As a coach I cant be with every kid in my group at every minute of practice but if I know there is a problem I can seperate the girls or keep an eye out and listen a little closer to their conversations.

As for the parents, just ignore them, every gym has parents like that. Dont sit near them at meets try and avoid them in the gym, and like you said kill them with kindness!

Good luck sounds like you have very talented little girl!

 

[gym law mom]

I agree with Gymnut29. Speak with your dd's coaches, but only about what is going on between your dd and this other girl. Don't get into things the dd's parents are saying unless the coach asks. Then just stick to facts. Obviously, this girl is getting this attitude at home and it may require a HC or owner to sit the parents and child down and warn them/discuss what will not be tolerated.

I agree with dunno---this family should be shown the door.

 

[CoachGoofy]

Absolutely talk to the coach. We like to know if there are personality conflicts, etc to be watchful for.

And avoid the nasty parents as much as possible. I know as a coach I can't do squat about the families, just the kids, but my boss can if the situation is absolutely out of hand.

 

[gymdog]

You should tell the coach and if the problem persists ask to have a meeting with the coach and whoever is higher up (team or class director, whatever, I know you have a big gym so maybe the owner isn't as involved in the day to day of the girl's team or preteam).

I would also teach your daughter to say "please don't say those things to me" as strongly as she can and try to go stand with another child or by the teacher (depending on the circumstance...obviously if they're in line that doesn't work, but hopefully speaking to the coach they won't be put together in line). It isn't the bullied child's responsibility to stop the bullying, but having something to say might give her some confidence and make the bully see she can't walk all over her.

 

[MdGymMom01]

My dd went through this situation when she was a new level 4 (she was 9/10 years old at the time). I went to the coach and she had a "team meeting" with the girls to discuss the behavior and that in no way will it be tolerated. She was very firm with all of them (as to not single out a particular person) and also reviewed the proper good sportsmanship etiquete at meets and how to support and encourage each other regardless of how they finish.

I also agree with gymdog in teaching your dd to stand up for herself and say things back to her. It doesn't have to be rude, but simply saying "Please don't talk to me that way" or "stop being mean to me" is very powerful and will deflate the bully's power over her. Bullies tend to pick on kids younger and smaller than them so if your dd speaks up and shows her that she will not stand for it, then the bully will back down. Bullying is about control and gaining or taking away power from someone else to make themselves feel better.


I think it is very important to nip this in the bud NOW, because with it starting at such a young age (5 and 6), it will only get worse as the kids get older.

As for the parents--ignore them. Be courteous but stay away from them and try not to socialize with them. Parents like this are everywhere unfortunately.

 

[coachmolly]

Like everyone else said, talk to the coach, we like to be aware when these kind of things are going on. It's possible another child has gone to the coach with the same issue and your comments will just cement the fact that changes need to be made.
As for your dd, make sure she knows that it is okay to tell the coach if someone is being mean. When a child comes to me with a valid concern about a mean team/classmate, I try to thank them to reinforce the behavior. Little ones are sometimes afraid they will be perceived as tattle tales if they speak up about these kinds of things. There's a difference between "Coach, she used too much chalk!" and a child approaching the coach about being bullied.

 

[gymjoy]

My dd went through this situation when she was a new level 4 (she was 9/10 years old at the time). I went to the coach and she had a "team meeting" with the girls to discuss the behavior and that in no way will it be tolerated. She was very firm with all of them (as to not single out a particular person) and also reviewed the proper good sportsmanship etiquete at meets and how to support and encourage each other regardless of how they finish.

I think I have said this before, but I don't think the whole Group Talk thing works in this kind of situation. The bully child just flat out ignores the talk in my experience. And boy did we have an experience. Dd was L5 and had switched gyms. Another girl decided mine was the one to pick on and bully. She stated to dd's face her goal for the season was to get my dd to quit She did everything possible to accomplish this - talking bad to and about my dd. Engaging others in such talk. Having parties where dd was the only team-mate not invited and telling dd she was not invited because everyone hated her. Cutting in line to make sure dd didn't get her turns during practice - you name it, this girl tried it!! They were 8 and 9yo.

We tried everything to combat it ourselves and build dd's confidence. These situation, when ongoing, are beyod what most young children can understand or tolerate. It was tearing my dd apart - not just because she never knew what to expect at the gym, but because she could not understand why someone would dislike her so much as to want to ruin her life (which is how it felt to dd, her words, I remember her saying them. It broke my heart. It has taken her a long time to recover from this experience)

Anyway, I went to the coaches. They did a group talk. The girl got worse because she had been told on. But because she wasn't approached individually she felt she could still get away with her behavior. She did, until I confronted her mother in the presence of the coaches, the owner, and other parents who had witnessed this girls bullying behavior (they had come to me worried about my dd's safety and well-being). Only then did this child understand that her behavior would have serious repercussions if she did not stop.

I wish there had been another way of dealing with the situation. In all other respects I liked dd's coaches - they were afraid of signaling out one girl for behavioral discipline. I understand, it is not easy or enjoyable. But this girl picked up on that - it signaled to her that she could continue because no one would actually stop her. Until I stopped her.

So my advice, run to the coaches now. Tell them everything you can about the situation. Ask them to talk with this girl and her parents. Make sure you ask them what the consequences will be for the bully if she does not stop. Hold them to it - not just for the good of your dd, but for her team-mates and for the bully-girl herself.

Good luck, I feel for you and your dd. These situations really make my blood boil...

 

[Bobby]

I've said before I love the girls and parents my DD is with. But there's one child and matching parent whose behaviour sounds similar. Always one isn't there?
As a group we initially just told our girls to ignore it, but it wasn't working even when they were all united, and we did finally speak to the coach.
I'm very pleased to say in our case coach took it very seriously, and said she'd talk to the girl's parents, and would sit her out or even suspend her from meets if it didn't stop after that. Love our coaches!!

 

[lilgymmie7]

"I also agree with gymdog in teaching your dd to stand up for herself and say things back to her. It doesn't have to be rude, but simply saying "Please don't talk to me that way" or "stop being mean to me" is very powerful and will deflate the bully's power over her. Bullies tend to pick on kids younger and smaller than them so if your dd speaks up and shows her that she will not stand for it, then the bully will back down. Bullying is about control and gaining or taking away power from someone else to make themselves feel better."

C learned to do just this because she too was the brunt of certain 'strange' little beings. However, C really knows how to defend herself. Her coaches approached us when they first moved her up to warn us that it might get ugly when she went to level 5. Some girls left, but C won out! She can really hold her own. Now one of her biggest adversary in the past is her biggest defender at this point. All the girls are like sisters now. So it does get better. Before a parent would openly discuss that she thought C did not belong with them, and that she has more than enough time if she waits to move. Well they all sing a different tune now thank goodness! So it does get better.

 

[Coacharella]

Looks like everyone has already indicated this, but you absolutely must say something to Coach. Say it exactly how you said it on here, you feel for this little girl and also your own. The coach should recognize you are not being ridiculous, as yes, he or she is probably to some degree privy to the behaviour of these parents and this child. Informing the coach of all of this information should hopefully cause some positive change. Coach should likely work for the well being of the entire team. I am sorry to hear you and your daughter are being treated this way, unfortunately some people act jealously in this wretched sport that we all love so much.
Good luck, let us know..

 

[gymgurl]

Having experienced some bullying i really think that you should NOT approach the parents as this could create conflict between you and them (which is not good) as they see their daughter as the-one-who-can-never-do-anything-wrong. You MUST however tell the coach. Surely if this is happening during training/meets the coach will notice it if she is on the look out.

In the mean time tell your daughter that Bullies are only bullies because they're jealous and that she should ignore it (easier said than done) and perhaps she can turn her negative energy into energy for the competition

 

[Jennemmy]

I bet the coaches know about the bullying. One of my friends who coaches, the sweetest woman alive, (a former elite, L 10 dd and L8 ds) has seen it all. Last week she was pushed to her limit by the bully in her group. Bully girl (mind you these kids are 6 -8 yo) had been torturing lower level girls for weeks and sweet coach was doing her best to keep it in check thru positive modeling and coaching. Finally, her chance. A girl that had been tormented moved up into bully's group and outshone the girl on her first day. Sweet coach turns to bully and says "guess your extra attention inspired her to give it her best." Bully has been silent since. Love it!

 

[SamIam]

I hope this all works to you and your little gymnasts advantage.

Also wanted to note that I think mine will be post 15 in this thread and I think I counted 6 of the previous as coaches. What a great board when you can get that kind of immediate response from resident experts. Kind of been there done that for you guys on a lot of this stuff I guess. To you coaches that have responded - "thanks" - for hanging out here and weighing in on these things, and if you use these things to better your coaching somehow- even better.

sltb
Seriously I hope this gets better for you. I can't stand a bully or a bullies parents.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

SamIam
I agree that the coaches on here are fantastic about sharing advice. Thanks coaches!