Managing expectations with a young gymnast

[cbone]

My daughter is a six-year-old level three who has been doing gymnastics for about ten months. She recently went to her first meet. She is excellent at vault and set a goal to get gold at the meet on vault. A 9.5 later, she had met her goal! Completely unexpected (for us at least) she also won gold on floor and beam. She didn't compete in bars due to an injury that kept her from training bars leading up to the event. We are preparing her for her second meet in a couple of weeks. As we always do with our kids in sports, we asked her what her goal is for the next meet. She said, "I want to take gold in everything!" While I believe that is certainly a worthy goal that she has a good chance of achieving, I'm worried about how she will take failure. I've talked to her about that and she seems to be okay with missing her goal if she does her best. I hope that it works out that way if she misses her goal.

That leads me to the bigger question for those of you with more experience than me in this. How do you manage high expectations and goals? I always try to let my daughter set her own goals, but when her goals are so high that anything less than being the best is outside of the goal; I worry. Do you temper her expectations? Do you you encourage super high goals and manage failure? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

 

[bogwoppit]

Goal setting with kids is wonderful. Maybe redirecting her to goals that have nothing to do with medals, placements or judging would help her see the sport differently. If she only defines success as getting the gold she might have some big disappointments. (though there are ome gymnasts who do seem to win everything!)

I have always had my girls set goals, but I encouraged them to make them personal and never about placements. That way they could still have a bad meet on paper whilst still feeling some success by reaching a goal or two.

My youngest was also the kid who won gold on everything when she was 6, that did not last into 8,9,10. Fortunately she made goals that still motivated her despite not bringing home gold.

Sticking a beam routine. Casting high out of her kip. Smiling at the judges, even when things go wrong. Being the best team mate, cheering and praising others success.

A mom said here last week that after her dd got her medals at a meet, very talented gymmie, she got a note from another gym parent praising her child's spirit and manners. That is the gold medal.

Learning how to be a good loser is also key, kids all have off days and someone will beat them sometimes. Helping them learn to accept and be happy is a huge benefit too. Nobody likes to see crying, stomping and bratty losers.

Your dd is still very young and you have a nice head start on goal setting, she just needs a little redirection for her to see the full benefit of the goals. JMHO of course.

 

[wallinbl]

The first year of L4 (last year), there weren't really any expectations, and I think she wanted to get better in meets, but didn't really put together how to do it (in practice!). The second year (this just-ended year), her expectations were to win everything. I was worried about how that would play out, but would generally just tell her that meets were won in practice (Do what your coaches tell you in practice and don't cut corners or skip drills you find hard/boring) and that she could only control how she did, not how she or anyone else was judged, or whether another girl did better than her.

I was worried that she'd be crushed if/when she didn't win. At the first meet, she wound up in the awards group of a girl on her team that was just better than her, and she placed 2nd to that girl in every event. Her score was a full 3 points higher than her best from last year. I would say she was 90% happy with coming in 2nd. She won the next meet and was beaming about it (as were we, as parents). The third meet, she simply had no focus and came in 5th. She was ungracious during awards and unpleasant for several days. It was an interesting set of discussions about having class and also about owning your performance and your behavior. It's probably good that this meet happened, despite it being a very hard few days.

My fear was that if I tempered her expectations, I'd do something to cause her to not believe in herself. I tried to be supportive without implying that I had high expectations or without pushing. I tried to keep things in the context of practicing hard in order to get her best results.

 

[gymgal]

I suggest you steer her toward goals she has direct control of - like no wobbles on beam or sticking all her dismounts. You will find very quickly that letting a child focus on places or scores will lead to one thing: disappointment. She cannot control who she is competing against, the judge's biases for certain gyms/gymnasts, age division, whether the judges are being particularly tough on judging at that meet, etc. So much plays into scores and placements at meets.

The only score based goals dd has is to make an AA 36 at least once each season. For us, that's a good indication that her skills are competition mastered and she is ready to move to the next level. When she has gotten that score early in the season, she has bumped it to 37. Sometimes she has achieved it. Other times not.

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[cbone]

Great responses so far. Thank you all. I know that she's married to being state champ on vault; I think we'll stick with that and I love the 36 or 37 AA goal. I love the idea of personal skill-specific goals. The trick now is making her think it's her idea!

 

[Quadqueen]

cbone....I would discourage her from setting a goal of being state champ on vault. Again, as previous posters said, you can't control who you're competing against or the judging on any particular day. That is a goal that is not in her control. Maybe her goal should be to keep her toes pointed throughout the vault, or to run her hardest. Saying she will only settle for state champ is letting her set herself up for failure.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

she's 6 and a level 3. have fun.

 

[exgymnastmomx3]

she's 6 and a level 3. have fun.

I second that

 

[gasrgoose]

The trick now is making her think it's her idea!

If it's not her idea then leave it alone and it sounds pretty silly for a 6 year old to have goals. There is very little you can do to "help" her in gymnastics if you aren't her coach, BUT there is plenty you can do to hurt her gymnastics and kill the fun.

Obvioulsy you want the best for her and she might be very talented but she really doesn't need "goals" at 6 or level 3.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i second that ^^^>

 

[gymdad2011]

She is very young, so I would just let her have fun. Later, when she is older, you can talk to her about her goals, and in this I would stress not to discuss scores or metals. You should steer her to goals of having fun, trying her best and showing the best sportsmanship -- win or lose. As she gets older she may win or lose -- and this may seem a bit cold but, losing is one of the best lessons in life. Unfortunately, society these tries to tell the kids differently, as we do not live in a world where everyone gets a trophy, a little loss goes a long way to building good character. This I can tell from experience. My dd went years without losing a meet, and when it did finally happen, it was a crushing blow. Now, from experience, I preach there is always someone better, and so be realistic -- have fun -- be a kid!!!

 

[gym law mom]

As others have said stay away from scores, placements and titles. She(and you) have no control over how she'll place from meet to meet. As soon as they start watching the numbers the stress goes up and the overall performance can go down. Just about every 6 yo wants to get all the gold medals and be a state champ---heck they still do at 16, just are usually more realistic. Just roll with it and make sure her meet experiences are fun.

 

[GymGirl's Mom]

I would not try to manage her expectations. At 6 I wanted to be a "movie star" was I discouraged... no, was I encouraged... no. Am I scarred by this today- NO! Am I a good actor in any way- Nope!

6 year olds are kids- let the have their dreams and aspirations. It's not your job to knock her down one, or to help her have more realistic goals at this age. Her goals are her goals. Let her have them. My DD is 8 and her goal is to go to the Olympics. She is somewhat talented, and somewhat difficult to coach, and somewhat interested in persuing this dream-- this week- lol. Do I love her any less- nope. Am I running out to find the biggest and best Elite gym possible- no! If she continues to show me month after month, year after year this is important to her then I will intervene- either by helping her any way I can to reach the goal or by helping her manage her expectations.

If you ask a room of 6 year olds what their dreams and goals an wishes and what they want to be when they grow up are you will get all kinds of answers from "Princess" to "Firefighter." It's not time to *manage* their goals at 6 IMO. Let them dream, and be a soft place to land when disappointed too. Her dream is 9.0's on all events, or a 38- doesn't mean you have to tell her not to have this dream, or help turn it into a more manageable dream- life has a way of doing that kind of stuff for us. For now just love her and go to her meets and cheer her on.

 

[mommyof1]

I will always remember my high school band director's favorite saying: If you give your best performance, you have won. If you don't do your best, you have lost. It doesn't matter what the judges say.

Although your daughter would be much bettter off with a performance-based goal that depends only on factors within her own control (e.g., sticking landings as opposed to scores or medals), at this age you probably won't be able to talk her out of the goal she's already chosen. Whether or not she wins the state championship, you can still use this goal as a learning opportunity. If she wins, great! She has learned the value of working hard towards a goal and has gained self-confidence. If she doesn't win, she will have the equally valuable experience of learning to pick herself up and move on when things don't go as planned. (Your job as a parent will probably be a little harder in that case, though!) My own little gymnast is just starting out, but I am hoping that gymnastics will help her learn all of these lessons.

 

[Flip]

I was pleased with my daughters stoic behavior when she experienced a shutout. It came early in the season of her first year of competition. It helped her recognize you will not place every time. I think it has made her stronger.

 

[Krystan]

If it's not her idea then leave it alone and it sounds pretty silly for a 6 year old to have goals. There is very little you can do to "help" her in gymnastics if you aren't her coach, BUT there is plenty you can do to hurt her gymnastics and kill the fun.

Obvioulsy you want the best for her and she might be very talented but she really doesn't need "goals" at 6 or level 3.

I don't think the OP was trying to get her to set goals at all. It sounds like her dd was trying to set goals herself of things like "always getting gold" or "be the state champ"! OP is actually trying to tone down the goals that her dd already is making to something a little more reasonable.

Sounds like you have a super-motivated gymnast, but I agree that you want to encourage her to shoot for something she actually has control over!

 

[cbone]

@ Kate R- I appreciate (and in many ways agree) that you think she shouldn't have the goal of being state champ. As mommyof1 (correctly) pointed out, there is no way to discourage that goal. She is locked in on it. Even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to change her mind on this one. It's a high goal and I worry about the fallout of her failure to reach it, but she's set on it. Plus, it's achievable for her; her scores on vault show that she has a shot. In fact they're higher than many past state championship scores for her level and age. If she said she wanted to be state champ on beam, I might be more inclined to discourage it since she isn't as strong there and I consider it a low likelihood of her actually achieving the goal. I guess this is the crux of why I posted in the first place- do you encourage high goals with a reasonably high chance of failure or lower her goals to prevent disappointment?

@ dunno- Having fun is great. After every practice, I ask her if she had fun. In fact, I wish she was just in gymnastics to have fun. After her first little "show off for the parents" event (before she joined a competition team), she got a medal. I told her I was so proud of her medal. She replied, "Everybody got a medal, Dad. I want to see if my gymnastics is better than other girls." The drive to compete is hers, not mine. Gymnastics is a huge time and financial drain, but she wants it and puts in the hard work at the gym and I won't tell my kids they can't do a sport if they keep their grades up and are willing to work hard at practice. That doesn't mean it isn't fun for her, but she's having fun by competing.

@ gasroose- I could not disagree with you more. There is nothing "silly" about anyone setting goals, even a six-year-old.

@ Krystan- Thank you for getting what I was saying. Trying to get her to reframe goals was funny last night. She looked at me like I was stupid. She said, "You already know my goals, Dad." When I explained that I think she should set goals to do little things she struggles with every meet, she seemed to catch on.

 

[gymnastbeth]

I agree with trying to steer her away from goals that have to do with scores or placements. She can't control what score she gets, or how she does compared to other girls. Even if these goals are achievable, they also have the potential to really discourage her.

If she had a goal to run fast on her vault (or something similar), she could achieve it and feel accomplished. However, a goal to get first place compares her to other girls. She isn't in control of the outcome of that goal, she can't control how well the other girls do. All she can do (especially at this age) is try her best and have fun! Just my two cents.

 

[gasrgoose]

@ gasroose- I could not disagree with you more. There is nothing "silly" about anyone setting goals, even a six-year-old.

I suspected you would disagree with me. I only know the situation as you have described and it sounds very corporate, structured and programmed maybe it's just the way you describe it. I'm simply offering another perspective that it sounds "silly". Maybe I'm wrong but ask around and see how many 6 year olds have stated goals. They have dreams like movie star, olympian, president, fireman, doctor.... but not score goals, placings etc. and she's learning this from someone.

There is a huge chance that the "goals" will kill the fun, as others have stated. There will be plenty of time for goals, gymnastics is a long, long road. But try to discourage the stated goals concept for now.

And I completely respect if you think I'm wrong.

 

[cher062]

I don't agree with any goals or anything that has to do with scores or winning medals as a goal. Goals like I won't fall off beam, or wobble on my turn are better. They are goals they actually have some control over.

With that said, learning how to loose is part of this sport and everyone has to learn how to deal with this disapointment eventually. I would just remind to my DD if that were her goals that even if she doesn't meet the goals don't be disapointed as no one can win everything all the time. If she is going to have goals, Suggest some more reasonable goals for her. At her age she will be disapointed for a bit but will get over it eventually. Just be there to support her if she doesn't succeed and let her know you are proud of her for putting her best effort forward.