Parents Maybe ...

[ZZMom]

Maybe she's just not cut out for it. Or maybe mean kids (and adults) just suck.

We just moved from one end of our city to the other so we decided to change ZZ to a new gym. She went in and tried out and it turned out that her skill level was half way between one pre-team group and another. So, the gym decided to put her in the more advanced group because they said it would be easier to modify down than up.

So, ZZ has been at this gym for a month and things have been going pretty well and she has learned a lot in the new group. She has had a couple of crying incidents. One was when she got her first rip and another was when she pinched her stomach on the bar leaving a big bruise. But generally, she has hung in there really well even though she is definately a step behind the other girls. She's come out of practice happy and proud of herself and has been talking about her friends in the group.

So, tonight in the last fifteen minutes of the second hour of practice, she had a complete breakdown. The kids were punching off of the floor and doing front tucks onto a big mat. She wasn't able to make a tuck (more like a roll onto the mat). Then they brought out a big block and put it on top of the mat and the girls started to tuck over it. Clearly she wasn't going to be able to do this if she couldn't do the tuck onto the mat. But, the coach didn't modify things for her at all or have her continue to attempt the original drill.

So, ZZ was clearly feeling bad and getting frustrated. Then, the girls started to laugh at her. So, she started to cry. The coach sent her to get a drink. When she came back and still couldn't stop crying, she told her she had the choice of stopping crying or leaving and not coming back. So, ZZ left and was pretty much hysterical the whole way home. She finally told me the whole story and we talked about how she should have told her coach: a. The drill is too hard for me. b. The girls are laughing at me. We explained that grownups can't know what is going on with you if you don't use your words to tell them.

ZZ by the way is six and everyone involved (including me) agreed that she was not at the same level as these girls and would have to catch up. So, it should not have surprised the coach that she couldn't do this.

So I wonder what I should do now. Should I:

A. Ignore the incident and just bring her to the next practice and wait to see if the gym thinks it is worth talking about?

B. Call the gym and talk to the coach about my concerns? This option risks the coach becoming defensive, blaming ZZ, etc. (I've seen it before with coaches). By the way, this is the one I'm leaning towards. Gymnasts HAVE to be able to work in groups of varying ability and coaches HAVE to be able to work with each girls individual strengths and weaknesses since every gymnast has a weaker event and shouldn't be ridiculed or made to do things that are dangerous for them just because their teammates can do it. Even the fierce five have varying degrees of difficulty in their routines.

C. Decide ZZ is just too soft to ever be a gymnast?

Everyone says that she is very talented. But, it is true that she is very sensitive and not extremely mature for her age.

Any suggestions or just words of commiseration are appreciated.

ZZMom

 

[mumoftwogymnasts]

Firstly {Hug} for both you and your daughter. It is heartwrenching as a mum to watch out little ones be so upset over something that should be fun.

Gymnasts HAVE to be able to work in groups of varying ability and coaches HAVE to be able to work with each girls individual strengths and weaknesses

I totally agree with this statement. DD's training group has girls ranging across 4 levels of gymnastics and ranging in age from 8-16 years. They obviously vary in ability and maturity but the coaches make it work. DS's group has an even bigger range, level 3-8 and age 8-18 years - again the coaches make it work.
Some things are consistent across all the levels and abilities, some things are not- different drills for different levels or the drill is adapted to individual skill levels.
The expectations of the gymnast does also vary with the age and maturity level - again as it should. Everyone is expected to be disciplined, polite and respectful - but the way the coach deals with an 8 year old crying due to frustration is very different to the way they dealt with a 14 year old in tears.

Decide ZZ is just too soft to ever be a gymnast?
Everyone says that she is very talented. But, it is true that she is very sensitive and not extremely mature for her age.

She is six years old, trying her best and not succeeding and feeling frustrated then some girls start laughing at her - honestly I would probably feel like crying at that point, and I think the majority of six year olds would end up in tears.
I have an over sensitive daughter, she had just turned six when she started gymnastics - there were days with lots of tears, and there were days when I wondered if the sport was the best fit for her. However she perserved, worked hard and gradually there were less tears.

She is ten now, still sensitive, but she steps onto that gym floor with more determination and strength of mind than I ever thought possible in a 10 year old child. If she quit tomorrow and never did another gymnastic skill in her life it would have still been worth it for that alone.

As to what you should do? I would see how your dd feels in the morning after a nights sleep. Not sure if the other girls are older or about the same age, but kids can be incredibly thoughtless, they can laugh at stuff and not realise they are hurting other peoples feelings. I've seen it done to my kids and I have seen my kids say and do things without thinking also, but having said that the coach is preparing these girls for team and they have to understand the need to be supportive of each other and each other's individual abilities. I wonder did the coach notice them laughing, I would hope that if he or she did that they would have dealt with it.

A quick chat with the coach in a non confrontational way is probably the way I would tend to go if I was in a similiar situation.

 

[iwannacoach]

So I wonder what I should do now. Should I:


B. Call the gym and talk to the coach about my concerns? This option risks the coach becoming defensive, blaming ZZ, etc. (I've seen it before with coaches). By the way, this is the one I'm leaning towards. Gymnasts HAVE to be able to work in groups of varying ability and coaches HAVE to be able to work with each girls individual strengths and weaknesses since every gymnast has a weaker event and shouldn't be ridiculed or made to do things that are dangerous for them just because their teammates can do it. Even the fierce five have varying degrees of difficulty in their routines.

Any suggestions or just words of commiseration are appreciated.
[/I]
ZZMom

I wouldn't give the coach a chance to get defensive, and since that's likely to happen you should drop a note off for her at the gym. At least then you'll be able to tell her some things with-out having to penetrate her defenses to make some very important points. You covered it pretty well when you started the thread, and you're being generous by communicating to let her know how this felt for your dd. You could continue that generous trend by recognizing that none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, and that you can understand that some children need to be nudged to move on, this nudge did not and will not work for your dd.

Finish the note with a request to set up a time for a brief meeting to provide her insight into your daughter's strengths and weaknesses, but be busy for a week so the meeting will be delayed until both of you have had time to mentally walk a mile in each other's shoes.

 

[Faith]

I'd have a chat, as she's so much younger. Maybe phrase it along the lines of "I'm worried about her, she seems to be struggling and is getting frustrated and upset" Rather than focussing on what the coach is or isn't doing.

It could be time to re-visit moving her down to the other pre-team group- she's 6, and a few months at a lower level won't do her gymnastics career any harm, may be good her confidence and get her love of gym back. Or, if they don't think that's the best idea, try and arrange that she conditions or has a set of drills she can go off and do by herself if a similar situation happens again, if she feels she's overfaced and there's no alternative given. Give her some control back, and it's an easy coaching solution.

 

[GymBee97]

Ok first breath in breath out, sit down with a nice glass of wine and relax if you can. Your DD is only 6yo so I wouldn't say she isn't cut out for this. She has alot going on right now between a move to a new house, a move to a new gym, and I am assuming 1st grade is just around the corner so for her to be emotinal is expected.

I think I would re-visit the possibility of moving her down a level. the "easier" level doesn't have to be modified up as he has alot to adjust to right now. Having her in a class she is enjoying and may be easier for her might not be a bad thing at this time. A talk with the coach to convay what your DD's emotional state is will help.

Just wondering too you said you moved across town. Is the old gym where she loved it too far a drive now for you to consider returning to that gym?

 

[gymgal]

I think you handled it very well with your dd. She needs to learn to speak up so talking about what she could have said was a great idea. We have had this issue with my dd for a very long time and even at 11, it is still really hard for her.

As for what to do now, my first inclination would be just to talk with the coach. There is no reason to think he/she will get defensive if you go about it the right way. Let him know that your dd was really upset because she didn't have the skill and that your are trying to encourage her to speak up for herself. I would not question the coach's reasons as to why he didn't adjust the drill. He may have wanted to push her. He may have wanted her to speak up. I would just leave the discussion to your dd's frustration and encouraging her to speak up when she needs help. That alone will open the discussion as to whether she should be moved or whether the coach sees a need to modify.

She has been there a month and it seems like this is the first major incident so I wouldn't worry too much about it. Certainly nothing to quit over. And as for the other girls - some can be mean and it really only takes 2 in the group to get the whole lot of them to go negative... But again, if this is a first, don't sweat it... it happens...

 

[gym law mom]

Time for a little chat with the coach. After this whole mess she may be expecting you to want to discuss it. Others have pointed out all the changes dd is going through so something was going to bring tears, it probably was just a matter of when/what.
You, dd and the coach need to discuss either modifying some drills and stay in this group or drop back a group for now while she's making alot of adjustments in her life. Its ok to say this is too much right now.
Good luck with coach chat--I think it will work out fine.

 

[thefellowsmom]

So sorry your dd had a bad day. You did a great job of handling it with her. We struggle with the communication piece as well. The Fellows just can't seem to bring herself to ask her coaches questions. We are constantly reinforcing this and talking about this with her.

Since she was asked to leave class and not return, I would think a short discussion about the incident would be in order as this is a pretty big thing. I am actually surprised that the coach didn't seek you out after practice to discuss this. I would take a day to let yourself calm down and definitely don't go at it from the perspective of questioning the coaches behavior as that always goes wrong, but if it were me I would want to know exactly what happened.

What about something along the line of "My dd came home from practice yesterday very upset and says she was asked to leave practice. I would love to get some more information from you about what happened. Can we talk for a few minutes sometime this week?"

This would then open the discussion up and you would get the perspective of the coach. If they didn't see the other kids laughing then you could then bring that to her attention. You may also get insight into why they asked your daughter to do the drill and then you could have an open discussion about that. This may also give you the opportunity to give the coach some insight about your daughter's personality and for you to get some information about whether they think she is in the right group still.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[ZZMom]

Thank you all so much for your responses and support! You really have no idea how much it meant to me to be able to post my concerns and receive so many thoughtful comments and ideas.

Over the weekend, I let this issue lie and decided to not contact the coach. Iwannacoach, thank you for reminding me that sometimes coaches say things that backfire on them. It made me realize that confronting the coach with her ultimatum to ZZ would not be productive.

In walking through what happened, I think that ZZ became frustrated because she was struggling with the skill and then happened to fall in a way that did (I admit) look a little funny. I think it was at this point that a couple of the little girls may have laughed. On another day, ZZ would have thought it was funny too. But being frustrated as she was, she saw it as them makng fun of her. I've come to this conclusion because of what I saw that night and also because I've watched ZZ interact with the other kids and they have been very welcoming. I don't think they intended to hurt her. Whewww. I felt better when I realized that. Then she started to cry. Coach sent her for a drink. She came back. Still crying and not able to tell the coach what was wrong. Frustrated coach? The rest is history.

I also appreciated some of your comments that taking a step back would not be the worst that could happen to ZZ in the large scheme of life. It really validated my feelings that this should be fun for her and that my job is to support her as a person.

You have all be very kind and I appreciate your help.

I did talk to ZZ's coach tonight. In a nutshell, she just isn't sure how to deal with ZZ when she becomes upset and cries but won't explain what is wrong. We walked through what happened and she said that she did talk the other girls (all six year olds)about not laughing if a teammate falls. We talked about the variety of skill levels every group has in a gym. We talked about having ZZ sitting out if she starts to cry and can't contain herself and how I'm working with her to use her words to express what is wrong so that the coach can help her. I told her that ZZ thinks she is not welcome back in the group and her coach said that she feels bad about that and wants to talk to her at the start of practice to let her know that she is welcome and a valued team member.

What we didn't talk about was "the choice" as ZZ refers to it that she gave her. I hope that as a young coach she learned something. She genuinly seemed to want her to be happy in the group and said that she has been doing very well and making great progress in a short time.

I also told her that ZZ was worried that her coach was mad at her and might be a bit tentative.... She has gym tomorrow, so we'll see if we can help ZZ work through this. I know it will take a lot of bravery on her part to go back into a situation where she was so upset. But then, ZZ is the bravest person I know, so ...

Thanks again for your help. I'll let you know (good or bad) how it goes.

Best wishes,

ZZMom