Parents Mixed messages taking a toll

[Deleted member 18037]

How old is (was?) your gymmie when you switched to homeschool. I already have a registered home school because our oldest had some issues with high school that made it a necessity, so I understand what it means to do it... and how much more parental commitment is needed for the younger kids (4th grade in our case). In NC we have an online school program that is somewhat of a hybrid... I don't know a lot about it yet, but I am hoping it could bring that same balance you see with your DD.

You know I am curious about this statement.

Did you do the actual homeschooling or split it with your wife? Or did your wife do the actual home schooling?

Because if you didn't actually do the homeschooling, you understand the committment but you do not understand the actual day in day out, boots on the ground experience of it. I think its odd that you didn't mention your wife suggesting it.
Sounds like she has a pretty full plate as it is............................. And it circles back around to her feeling overwhelmed and resentful and gym is taking the hit.

This is so not about gymnastics for your wife, but in her eyes looking at statistics and odds, cutting gym hours to give her a break and more time with daughter just makes sense.

Again, not knowing you wife or actual family dynamics, from what little you have shared. Your wife is clearly sending a signal she spread too thin. I am guessing she perhaps has tried telling you this and you have not heard her, she is making the decision and letting you know in a way you will notice. You guys really need to start talking, or actually listening. Perhaps a third party like a therapist can facilitate.

 

[LMV]

I am also a mom who has been known to work twelve hour Saturday (and or Sunday) shifts. [I'm an EM Physician, perhaps your wife is as well---if so, and if some of her reluctance for gymnastics stems from seeing so many misadventures of childhood in the ED and she would like to talk to someone else who gets it and has reconciled it in a way that works for our family feel free to reach out via PM and I would be willing to connect.] To be fair I don't work every weekend and I usually try to avoid stacking twelve hour shifts. In my case, I work around my husband's schedule because we still have very young children and we prefer not to use outside child care. We could live comfortably on my husband's income but for various reasons we have decided that raising our children in a family where both parents maintain their professional careers in a context of making working together to make that work for our family.

I'm not clear if your wife's decision to return to work was motivated by financial necessity (and if some of that financial necessity comes from funding gymnastics tuition and meet fees) or if she wanted to resurrect her career at this point for many other reasons. Ultimately any and all of these reasons may be perfectly valid for your family, and truly my opinion or any poster's opinion on that really isn't relevant, however, I think if you and your wife aren't on the same page about her returning to work (and perhaps what she needs from you to make that work) then that is going to be a problem whether your daughter is a gymnast or not. Ultimately I think you and your wife also need to address and get on the same page regarding your daughter's level of gymnastics participation I just wonder if other issues are bleeding over into that and need to be addressed first.

Good Luck!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

My DD is 9 and training for her 4th competitive season (competed L6) and her coach indicates she's on fire, picking up new skills and could compete L8 next season (after a mobility meet in the fall)... she lights up like it's Christmas morning every time she gets to the gym - its been her passion since her first day of rec. We've had coaches from other gyms (no salesmanship -as a guest gymnast while vacationing) indicate she could do very well in L10 or elite if she continues on... which has been DD's dream since she started. This isn't meant to be a brag post, but just setting the stage...

A few months ago DW started working for the first time in 16 years and is working 12hrs/day Sat and Sun... since then she has become increasingly vocal about not seeing DD often enough, and that it "isn't right for a 9 y/o to spend so much time in the gym". She takes her to practice late and encourages her to skip. DD has just started echoing the sentiments, but in the same breath wants to sign up for privates and camps. It's super frustrating because I can see how torn she is between seeing/hearing mom's negativity about something she loves and has a real talent for. I am hoping that a home school option is something that can mitigate most of this, so that DD can spend more time with DW during the week - but she is at a GREAT charter school, loves her teachers, and is running top of her class even helping her 13y/o sister with math homework, so I really want to wait until next year at the earliest - but I'm afraid that DW will poison the well too much before then. Anyone else go through something similar - any suggestions?

That sucks..... Not much you can do but talk, remember it's only a sport and your family life is the most important. So unless it's worth leaving your wife for, (which will cause more problems) then you just have to try and work it out. As a coach I see this happen from time to time,,, and you can't really blame the parent, they can't help being selfish, Really they can't! Hopefully she will come to her senses, but usually that happens when it's too late. Best of luck.

 

[GYM0M]

My husband could have written this post! Except my job is std business hours. My DD is 10, going into the 5th grade, competed HOPES last year. She started a public homeschool program in 3rd grade. I started working 3 weeks after she started the 4th grade so I haven't been working for a year yet. It's been very difficult to say the least. I miss my kids, all 3 of them, not just my gymmie.....ALOT! It helps that I LOVE my job. But there are times when I really get down on my inability to keep up and I feel pretty upset. And sometimes, I blame gymnastics. I got burned out, even took a break from CB for a bit. It took me a little while to come to the realization that blaming gym ultimately meant blaming my daughter. I think it all came to a head one day when she had schoolwork to do that she 'needed' my 'help' on. I had to work during the day and she had gym that evening and neither of us were looking forward to staying up late......I told her I could help her if she missed gym, otherwise she was going to have to do it herself. After a persistent, "why don't you just skip this once?" Which I'll admit is a request that had become more than occasional. She, in the dramatic 10 year old way, finally exclaimed, "Why don't YOU just miss work?" I explained that I couldn't just do that, that I had important work to do! She answered simply, "So do I......" Then and there, I understood just how much it means to her. Just like I love my job and want to learn and grow professionally, she fees the same way, just gymnastic-ly. I still struggle from time to time, brief moments of mourning for the family time that we often miss. Know that you cannot change your DW's mind. Make sure that you're advocating for your DD, not yourself. Your DW will feel like it's for your own sake, no matter how you swing it. Things are better now. We've all adjusted and gotten used to me not being at their beck and call. A mediator may help, but your wife will probably have to 'get there' on her own with her own 'AHA' moment!!

 

[B.Gold]

, and you can't really blame the parent, they can't help being selfish, Really they can't!

Perspective is so interesting because my perspective is its not the mom being selfish in this scenario. My heart goes out to this hard working mom who wants to spend time with her dd. I think if proudad found some common ground the well wouldn't get tainted.

Family first.... after all-gymnastics is just an after school activity, right?

Eta: proudad... the positive is you'll know soon enough if your dd wants this badly enough, because a girl with true elite potential will give up just about everything to achieve it.... even a positive relationship with her mom.

 

[duyetanh]

I say this with kindness. I think your daughter is more in tune with what's going on than you are at this point in terms of the family dynamic.

 

[duyetanh]

Eta: I also think without your meaning to, you have actually vented to the perfect place.....a forum full of gym moms! I am sure much of this info is hard to swallow, but when you are getting this much feedback from this many women from this many different parts of the world....well.....might be worth a listen. Family first. Amen.

 

[Seeker]

I tend to disagree with all those that are placing responsibility/blame on the OP. Clearly the parents need to handle this w/o involving the daughter. Obviously, Mom misses spending time with her dd (and family) and that is totally understandable. However, I think it is wrong to routinely take daughter to practice late and/or encourage her to skip. That isn't right either. Not only is it confusing for the gymnast, but it's inappropriate from a perspective of making commitments and keeping them. Of course, there are often issues that come up that change situations and require a discussion and a plan for handling it and how to best move forward, but my daughter would be very angry with me if I took her to practice late without a very good reason -- rightfully so.

Every family has different values and every individual/family needs to decide what's right for them and what is important. But it would not be okay with me if the other parent didn't take dd to practice as agreed to when the team commitment was made. Particularly if the child wants to go and doesn't want to miss. Yes, I work (more than) full time. I get it...we're all overloaded and tired. Do what you gotta do, but don't put your child in that position of coming in late or just not taking them at all. That is totally unfair.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

^^^^ What seeker said.

It really comes down to both the parents, the grown ups are not on the same page. There has been or is a communication break down. There seems to be resentment and discontent that is not being acknowledged or heard. So it is coming out in other ways.

And I don't think those of us commenting are siding with the wife. If the wife was here posting I would be commenting that she would need be the grown up and if her kid is in gym then she needs to get her there when she is supposed to be there, on time.

In our house we sit down as a family, my husband and I as a team and figure it out. First what is best for our girl and what she wants. Then can we make it work. When they upped my girls hours at the old gym I was annoyed (because they did it after I committed to lower hours). I didn't agree and then just have her skip practices. I found a gym that worked for us hour wise.

These folks are clearly not talking and hearing each other.

And again, hours wise, it doesn't have to tons or none. Especially at her age, maybe later, but there is room for compromise.

 

[duyetanh]

I agree with what Seeker said in terms of the getting child to practice late or encouraging missing. That definitely is not ok. But in my mind it shows there is more going on here than just gymnastics, and a family conference, at the minimum, could only help not harm the situation. Truly ith this demanding of a sport, everyone needs to at least be in the same book, let alone page. Just mho....for what it's worth....

 

[GymDad9.9]

I tend to disagree with all those that are placing responsibility/blame on the OP. Clearly the parents need to handle this w/o involving the daughter. Obviously, Mom misses spending time with her dd (and family) and that is totally understandable. However, I think it is wrong to routinely take daughter to practice late and/or encourage her to skip. That isn't right either. Not only is it confusing for the gymnast, but it's inappropriate from a perspective of making commitments and keeping them. Of course, there are often issues that come up that change situations and require a discussion and a plan for handling it and how to best move forward, but my daughter would be very angry with me if I took her to practice late without a very good reason -- rightfully so.

Every family has different values and every individual/family needs to decide what's right for them and what is important. But it would not be okay with me if the other parent didn't take dd to practice as agreed to when the team commitment was made. Particularly if the child wants to go and doesn't want to miss. Yes, I work (more than) full time. I get it...we're all overloaded and tired. Do what you gotta do, but don't put your child in that position of coming in late or just not taking them at all. That is totally unfair.

Taking the daughter to practice late and encouraging to skip is pretty subversive to the child's commitment to her team. And especially if it becomes a pattern it becomes a poor reflection on the child within the gym, which is really unfair to the child.

Having said that, personally I have begun to feel really uncomfortable with this conversation. I realize it was ProudDad who threw this all out here, but without all the details and having full knowledge of these folks, there is something just not right about our "psychologizing" this particular situation. I know people's hearts are in the right place in their opinions and suggestions, but there are other individuals involved in this matter of which we know nothing about and whether they are okay with the idea of their dirty laundry being put out for display.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Having said that, personally I have begun to feel really uncomfortable with this conversation. I realize it was ProudDad who threw this all out here, but without all the details and having full knowledge of these folks, there is something just not right about our "psychologizing" this particular situation. I know people's hearts are in the right place in their opinions and suggestions, but there are other individuals involved in this matter of which we know nothing about and whether they are okay with the idea of their dirty laundry being put out for display.

Surely you and prouddad have been around long enough to realize when you put something out there for comment, comments you will get. And it is very rare that they are 100 percent what you want to hear and all rainbows and lollipops.

I think folks have been respectful and honest. And what you are defining as psychologizing is really just a bunch of folks who understand the commitment kids and gymnastics take and who have been through or are in relationships, negotiating and dealing with work/life balance and understand the commitment that takes.

And I'm pretty sure CB has majority of members who are female vs a much lower percentage of males. As males you and prouddad are getting a whole bunch of insight into how females think and deal. I would think that would be a good thing.
I learn a lot from my male friends, they have helped me immensely over time by giving me their POV.

 

[GymDad9.9]

Surely you and prouddad have been around long enough to realize when you put something out there for comment, comments you will get. And it is very rare that they are 100 percent what you want to hear and all rainbows and lollipops.

I think folks have been respectful and honest. And what you are defining as psychologizing is really just a bunch of folks who understand the commitment kids and gymnastics take and who have been through or are in relationships, negotiating and dealing with work/life balance and understand the commitment that takes.

And I'm pretty sure CB has majority of members who are female vs a much lower percentage of males. As males you and prouddad are getting a whole bunch of insight into how females think and deal. I would think that would be a good thing.
I learn a lot from my male friends, they have helped me immensely over time by giving me their POV.

Trust me, the tone here has been respectful and honest. And for me, it's not about the opinions themselves, it's the idea we are even involved in ProudDad, his wife, and his daughter, and any other affected party's situation at all. This sounds like serious stuff to these people, we don't know them, we've only heard from one of them, we have sparse details, yet here we are..... Yes, ProudDad offered it up, but was it really his place to do so here, given the stakes?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Trust me, the tone here has been respectful and honest. And for me, it's not about the opinions themselves, it's the idea we are even involved in ProudDad, his wife, and his daughter, and any other affected party's situation at all. This sounds like serious stuff to these people, we don't know them, we've only heard from one of them, we have sparse details, yet here we are..... Yes, ProudDad offered it up, but was it really his place to do so here, given the stakes?

That is a whole different topic.

And as prouddad is a grown up it was his decision to make.

He opened the door. It is not for someone else to decide who and how everyone go through it.

 

[GymDad9.9]

That is a whole different topic.

And as prouddad is a grown up it was his decision to make.

He opened the door. It is not for someone else to decide who and how everyone go through it.

Grown ups make mistakes. I believe he made a mistake posting this.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Grown ups make mistakes. I believe he made a mistake posting this.

The only person however who can decide that would be him.

 

[GymDad9.9]

The only person however who can decide that would be him.

And the only person who can speak for me is me. Can we stop?

 

[rosiekat]

I think a lot of good ideas and thoughts have been expressed, and I'd urge you to think about them. I do think that some of your wife's behavior points to her being overly stressed and worried that her family isn't getting enough of her time. Speaking in stereotypes here, I think women often run into difficulties balancing the "you can have it all" with the feeling that you're spread too thin and aren't doing any of it well. I think there are things you guys need to talk about and sort out, but as a temporary band-aid that can only help, is there a chance for your wife and daughter to set a specific time every couple of weeks or so to have girl time? This might be a very supportive thing that you can encourage.

 

[blueredzone]

This has seemed to take an odd twist. It seemed like the OP was frustrated about his DW not wanting to honor the commitment of being on a TEAM.

I know of some coaches who would be VERY upset about a child not honoring there commitment to there TEAM in Baseball, Basketball, Soccer, Football....you name it. I would want my child to honor there commitment.

I don't see the need for a third party to sit in on why OP's DW is taking it out on her family that she is upset that she has to work again. Because it seems from the OP that this all started after her getting that job. Maybe the wife did not get the job she wanted and had to settle?

Point being is we have no idea what the situation is or could be. Fact is this advice below has gotten me pretty far:

Advice to the OP: Just support your wife and be there for her and Love her; even on the bad days

 

[Deleted member 18037]

This has seemed to take an odd twist.

Its not unusal for threads to take many twist and turns. It is the nature of a forum.