Parents Need some parental guidance

[sleeping judy]

It sounds like my 13 year old son and his sister. He has plenty of his own interests, but is seemingly wired to be rude to her :/ I'm hoping we will come through the other side of these teenage years ok.

 

[GYM0M]

Thank you guys for all the reassuring responses. There are consequences for attitude and disrespect for all my children. I don't just let her talk to her sibs that way. Yesterday just wore on me! It was a rough day. Older DD made some snarky comment to my gymmie DD & gymmie started to cry, not the hissy fit throwing cry, but the silent sad cry where tears roll down their cheeks. I made older dd apologize and she lost her phone privileges for the evening, but by the end of the evening, they were designing and baking cupcakes together. I secretly think that older dd thinks gymmie is way cooler than a lil sis is supposed to be! Lol

 

[NutterButter]

Oh boy. I can relate. I have a very similar dynamic with my two kids (my gymmie DD 12 and DS 9). I’ll share a few things that have been helpful for me.

First was the realization that my kids are uber competitive. Competition drives everything for them and they both want ‘best kid’ status when it comes to me or DH. The competition factor alone still doesn’t explain why my DD is so much more vicious in her comments toward DS. My DD has the added bonus of being an introvert and she also has anxiety disorder. Her lash outs against her brother follow a pattern where she is trying to build herself back up or protect her self-esteem or she is truly annoyed with a more extroverted way of doing something.

Second, the book Siblings without Rivalry was very helpful to me. It was here that I realized I needed to change how I talk about the sibling that isn’t around. For example, in my head I think “I can’t wait for DD to come home. It’s been 14 hours since I’ve seen her and I miss her! I can’t wait to hear about her day and oh yeah, that giant…I wonder if she got it today.” Before I read the book I would tell DS this, “DD will be home soon. I have to make her dinner. We will see if she got her giant today.” What I now tell DS is that “I’m making dinner.” Of course I have the same excitement about seeing DS at the end of his day but he lacks perspective to see this – instead he was hearing that I was taking special interest in his sister’s accomplishment. Although I actively minimize what I say about them it has not minimized our family’s ability to share in each other’s successes. DS was already aware that DD was working on a major gym milestone. I didn’t need to expand on this and really it’s DD’s story to tell anyways. Since I’ve backed off talking about them they ask each other for more details about their day.

Now back to DD and the self-esteem/anxiety. She struggles with self-esteem and especially how others perceive her. Her inner thought process has her thinking that if she laughs at a joke her brother tells then she acknowledges that he is witty (and the implication is that she is not). If I compliment DS on something related to schoolwork she trys to stump him with a difficult question to ‘prove’ that he is not smart (because if he is smart then people may think she isn’t smart). It goes on and on. (She’s not like this with friends and teammates, she is able to freely offer support and compliments even though she admits it sometimes makes her feel bad about herself). She was in therapy for anxiety a few years ago so we have the vocabulary to talk about much of this. I’ve also laid out my expectations of how she is to talk with her brother (little stuff, like she will tell him good bye in the morning and good night before bed). One time DS got an award at school. I knew DD would try to belittle his accomplishment. Before he told his news I gave her a heads up that he has news to share and what my expectations were for her reaction (she did fine with him and the two even engaged in a conversation about it). At first it was very forced and so obvious that DD was pained to be saying something positive to her brother. Slowly though it’s changed and she is in a much better position now to offer genuine praise and compliments.

If any of what I shared rings true, I suggest the book. I've never made overt comparisons to their face and I feel I always respected their individuality. But I’m 100% guilty of subtle comments that could easily be interpreted as comparisons by my kids who also happen to be very competitive individuals. I have no clue if any of these things have helped my kids get along but since things are much improved now I’m running with it! My kids still bicker but they can have real conversations now and DD isn't always belittling or minimizing her brother.

 

[GYM0M]

Oh boy. I can relate. I have a very similar dynamic with my two kids (my gymmie DD 12 and DS 9). I’ll share a few things that have been helpful for me.

First was the realization that my kids are uber competitive. Competition drives everything for them and they both want ‘best kid’ status when it comes to me or DH. The competition factor alone still doesn’t explain why my DD is so much more vicious in her comments toward DS. My DD has the added bonus of being an introvert and she also has anxiety disorder. Her lash outs against her brother follow a pattern where she is trying to build herself back up or protect her self-esteem or she is truly annoyed with a more extroverted way of doing something.

Second, the book Siblings without Rivalry was very helpful to me. It was here that I realized I needed to change how I talk about the sibling that isn’t around. For example, in my head I think “I can’t wait for DD to come home. It’s been 14 hours since I’ve seen her and I miss her! I can’t wait to hear about her day and oh yeah, that giant…I wonder if she got it today.” Before I read the book I would tell DS this, “DD will be home soon. I have to make her dinner. We will see if she got her giant today.” What I now tell DS is that “I’m making dinner.” Of course I have the same excitement about seeing DS at the end of his day but he lacks perspective to see this – instead he was hearing that I was taking special interest in his sister’s accomplishment. Although I actively minimize what I say about them it has not minimized our family’s ability to share in each other’s successes. DS was already aware that DD was working on a major gym milestone. I didn’t need to expand on this and really it’s DD’s story to tell anyways. Since I’ve backed off talking about them they ask each other for more details about their day.

Now back to DD and the self-esteem/anxiety. She struggles with self-esteem and especially how others perceive her. Her inner thought process has her thinking that if she laughs at a joke her brother tells then she acknowledges that he is witty (and the implication is that she is not). If I compliment DS on something related to schoolwork she trys to stump him with a difficult question to ‘prove’ that he is not smart (because if he is smart then people may think she isn’t smart). It goes on and on. (She’s not like this with friends and teammates, she is able to freely offer support and compliments even though she admits it sometimes makes her feel bad about herself). She was in therapy for anxiety a few years ago so we have the vocabulary to talk about much of this. I’ve also laid out my expectations of how she is to talk with her brother (little stuff, like she will tell him good bye in the morning and good night before bed). One time DS got an award at school. I knew DD would try to belittle his accomplishment. Before he told his news I gave her a heads up that he has news to share and what my expectations were for her reaction (she did fine with him and the two even engaged in a conversation about it). At first it was very forced and so obvious that DD was pained to be saying something positive to her brother. Slowly though it’s changed and she is in a much better position now to offer genuine praise and compliments.

If any of what I shared rings true, I suggest the book. I've never made overt comparisons to their face and I feel I always respected their individuality. But I’m 100% guilty of subtle comments that could easily be interpreted as comparisons by my kids who also happen to be very competitive individuals. I have no clue if any of these things have helped my kids get along but since things are much improved now I’m running with it! My kids still bicker but they can have real conversations now and DD isn't always belittling or minimizing her brother.

My kids to a T! Off to Books-a-Million!!! Thank you so much! I often say things like hurry up guys, we gotta go get J from gym. Or stuff along those lines. I've always considered my gymmie my uber competitive one bc she enjoys competing, never thought that they may be competing for 'favorite' kiddo! That's a losing battle! I enjoy my children equally!

 

[refugee]

Could be. I've got a few calls in to the local animal shelters to see if she's old enough to come volunteer, but I'm not sure she could handle leaving the kitties there.....she's a very kindred spirit. She reads, a lot! She has read the hunger games series, the twilight series, & the divergent series since Thanksgiving. She wants to go to Paris one day so she recently took up learning to speak French. We challenge each other to learn one new sentence per day. She tried a summer book club last summer, but they wanted her to talk about the book (duh?). "No, mom, like in front of everyone. I don't know them."

This pattern is really, really familiar D1 is the reader in our family (completed the Harry Potter series by age 10)...and tested into a G&T program during the transition from elementary to middle school. It was night & day for her once she was no longer "waiting" for her classmates (more than once, she was "disruptive" in class because she had already completed the work and had nothing to do). One of my key learnings from her time in the G&T program was the concept that Talent Development was not pre-paced, but rather at the learner's own (typically accelerated) pace (we were also told not to expect "balance" with these kids). And yes, I sometimes wonder how that applies to D2 and gym, but let's not go there for now. At any rate, her growth during this time was phenomenal. Though personal and academic growth rates may have differed, the academic stretch definitely helped the personal. The key point here for children with gifts, is to really let them run with it once they find their niche or strength. Do everything you can to nurture it, support it, enhance it.

A fellow 5th grade parent (with two older children) remarked how somewhere during this time, the older two behaved as though someone performed brain surgery on the kid, removing the brains and replacing it with cottage cheese. And several years later, the process was reversed and you got your wonderful kid back. As others have said here, it's part of this stage of life for them, and yes, we went through (and are going through again) this experience

 

[kayjaybe]

I think this has less to do with being "exceptional" and more to do with being 11....and having a younger sibling.

My almost 13 yo dd is just "too cool" for her younger sister at least 50% of the time. It has nothing to do with anything except having an attitude. We work to keep it in check (ydd, 10, also cops an attitude sometimes, too).

While I do try to get them to be nicer to each other, sometimes I just stay out of it and let them fight it out. They'll find their way.

 

[gymmutti]

We call it "crazy brain" and my almost 13 year old is entering the snotty attitude phase again after a blissful year of being wonderful (she was not such a wonderful 11 year old but we got lucky with 12). My 9 year old and I are trying to take it in stride but I certainly get on her when she gets too bad.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Selective Mutism?

 

[profmom]

Parent: "Would you talk that way to your best friend?"
Obnoxious child: "Duh, no."
Parent: "Then why are you doing it to someone in your family? Please go somewhere else until you can be minimally civil."

Out and done. Though do recognize that younger sibs are capable of being provocateurs par excellance.

 

[Faolmor]

Selective Mutism?

My DD has this. She broke her elbow and didn't tell anyone because it might mean having to speak in front of a doctor (one of her 'rules' about speaking). She was 3 years old, and would rather put up with a broken bone than have to speak.

As much as I understand wanting 5 minutes' peace and quiet from a child sometimes, (and believe me, I do!) it's not really something to joke about.

 

[cbifoja]

Parent: "Would you talk that way to your best friend?"
Obnoxious child: "Duh, no."
Parent: "Then why are you doing it to someone in your family? Please go somewhere else until you can be minimally civil."

Out and done. Though do recognize that younger sibs are capable of being provocateurs par excellance.

YES!!!! Totally agree. I don't understand it when people are more civil to strangers than they are to those who love them most!

 

[kimute]

First, Gymom, sorry this is happening. I remember reading some posts from you where the sibs. have been very supportive of your DD. Sounds like you are one awesome mommy with a DD hitting some hormones.

My gymmie's sister is 5 so we have different issues. She won't touch the gym or gymnastics with a ten foot pole. Won't even talk to lovely coaches who try to engage her. She doesn't say she resents gymnastics, but we see it is there.

Gymnastics, especially for a kid as talented and focused as yours, takes a lot of family commitment, time, mental energy. I think it takes a very deliberate effort to focus as much on the siblings of a gymmie.

I spend more time with my non-gymmie generally, but then find myself totally focused on my gymmie when she gets home because our time together is so limited. It isn't easy to manage or balance.

One book I read, "Diary of a Stage Mother's Daughter" was a great cautionary tale. Not that any of us are anything like the mother in that book, but it is a great example of what not to be and what can happen to siblings in the shadows.

Thanks for starting this discussion and hopefully we can all do something special with our non-gymmie siblings this week!