Parents ooft dd has lost the plot :D

[MILgymFAM]

Ironically tonight invitations were given out for one of the optionals birthday...she is turning 14...my dd was the only optional not invited. She wasn't upset about it though, she didn't want to see some scary movie or talk about boys...and we will still get her a present. I do think there are limits sometimes. But it wasn't meanest excluding her, the girl just didn't put her in her circle of friends.

If she was the only optional not invited, I think it's not nice. Exclusion can be really, really hurtful. One of the girls in my DDs group had a birthday sleepover last weekend and didn't invite my DD (not an age thing, just because she doesn't like her). It was one thing to not be invited- my DD didn't mind (who wants to go where they are not wanted), but everyone talking about it on break is what made her feel left out. She kinda just sat alone and ate her snack. Everything is just so cliquey with girls. It hurts my head and my heart.

 

[duyetanh]

If she was the only optional not invited, I think it's not nice. Exclusion can be really, really hurtful. One of the girls in my DDs group had a birthday sleepover last weekend and didn't invite my DD (not an age thing, just because she doesn't like her). It was one thing to not be invited- my DD didn't mind (who wants to go where they are not wanted), but everyone talking about it on break is what made her feel left out. She kinda just sat alone and ate her snack. Everything is just so cliquey with girls. It hurts my head and my heart.

In that situation I don't feel it is nice at all! But with a six year age difference, and not relating to those girls other than at gym, my dd was fine with it. And honestly so am I. Girls up to age 17 went...that's over double my dd's age. IMO just not something my dd could even relate to (and thank goodness! She doesn't need to grow up too fast, she already is...)

 

[Scotsgirl]

Just a wee update dd made a card for her hero and has been to shy to give her it at gym so we are going to put it in an envelope and she sent her a message to meet her at the doors on Sunday . DD doesnt want to give her an invite for a sleepover think dd has gone all shy awww , I just think its cute , the girls at our gym do not hang out with the younger ones outside of gym thats just the way it is no big deal .

 

[AgingHippie]

That is so cute.

 

[Scotsgirl]

I would be gutted for my dd if she was the only one not invited to a party except if there was a big age gap she could accept that , hugs for your dd , if dd was having a party I couldnt allow her to leave just one person out .

 

[cbifoja]

As an adult, I "get" why my child is typically not invited to the extra curricular activities that her teenage teammate do. However, it doesn't make it hurt my daughter less and it doesn't make her feel like less of a team member.

My DD invited all of her teammates to a skating party one year even though it was a theme that most of them would roll their eyes over. I was very disappointed that a couple of them tried to commandeer the activity by refusing to participate in the activities and trying to blast their cell phone music over the music that went with my DD's theme. But regardless, inviting all of them was the right thing to do. Once we invited some of them, it became clear that it would be unkind to exclude some of them.

Compare that to one of her teammates who held a fancy sweet 16 type birthday party at a lovely facility close to our gym. Every single girl on DD's level was invited but her. This wasn't some wild party. It was a family oriented party where the girls wore formal party dresses and had a sit down dinner. I was told that DD wasn't invited because of her age but there was a girl who was 2 years older than DD. Is it really that big of a range? And why would an 11 year old not enjoy wearing a dress, hanging with her friends, and eating dinner???? My daughter cried on the way home about four days as she listened to her teammates talk about how excited they were, shared pictures of their dresses, and then reminisced about it later. Honestly, it has impacted my relationship with that mother.

So yeah, while I'm glad that so many of you have older gymmies who make sure to include the younger ones, unfortunately, not all parents insist on it. But those of you who do...THANK YOU!!!!

 

[twinmomma]

As an adult, I "get" why my child is typically not invited to the extra curricular activities that her teenage teammate do. However, it doesn't make it hurt my daughter less and it doesn't make her feel like less of a team member.

My DD invited all of her teammates to a skating party one year even though it was a theme that most of them would roll their eyes over. I was very disappointed that a couple of them tried to commandeer the activity by refusing to participate in the activities and trying to blast their cell phone music over the music that went with my DD's theme. But regardless, inviting all of them was the right thing to do. Once we invited some of them, it became clear that it would be unkind to exclude some of them.

Compare that to one of her teammates who held a fancy sweet 16 type birthday party at a lovely facility close to our gym. Every single girl on DD's level was invited but her. This wasn't some wild party. It was a family oriented party where the girls wore formal party dresses and had a sit down dinner. I was told that DD wasn't invited because of her age but there was a girl who was 2 years older than DD. Is it really that big of a range? And why would an 11 year old not enjoy wearing a dress, hanging with her friends, and eating dinner???? My daughter cried on the way home about four days as she listened to her teammates talk about how excited they were, shared pictures of their dresses, and then reminisced about it later. Honestly, it has impacted my relationship with that mother.

So yeah, while I'm glad that so many of you have older gymmies who make sure to include the younger ones, unfortunately, not all parents insist on it. But those of you who do...THANK YOU!!!!

This hurt my heart. I worry about my DD sometimes because of the age range of her team (9-14) but they all seem to get along well. And there is a break with the two older girls who seem to just hang out together while the "younger" ones (including some 12 year olds) all enjoy each other's company. I'm actually really happy most of them will be repeating L4 with my DD because they all like to hang together so much. BUT, I will say that this is something that has been encouraged by the parents, and in your situation I would venture a guess it wasn't the kid who necessarily drives the invite list but a parent who doesn't say, "Hey, you should invite everyone". Shame on the parents for not stepping up and teaching that lesson.

 

[GYM0M]

My dd, 9, almost 10, considers the oldest girls on our team, 15/16 years old, to be pretty close to the top of her BFF list. And seeing as how they both post pictures with their gym sister on social media, I'd venture to say that my dd makes their list too. These two girls have been phenomenal role models for the younger girls. Because of the way they have always treated her, as my dd has gotten a bit older and is now a veteran of competitive gymnastics, she is now the role model for the littles. She loves to interact with the pre-developmental group. During a few crossover times, the 'big' girls have been given a 'little' partner! Dd makes it a point to remember each one of their names & always smiles and speaks to them. She def remembers how much that made her day way back when.

 

[needcoffee]

DDs training group ranges from 9-14. They're always talking and messaging each other outside of gym. The two oldest ones are also total mother hens. They all love each other to bits.

 

[juststartingout]

My dd's group ranges in age from 8 to 16, with only 4 of them in the 8-9yo range. Our girls go out to eat together after every Friday night practice. The older girls in the group aren't talking about boys they are talking about gymnastics, which of course everyone has in common. Even though they are all of the same skill set the younger ones look up to the older ones and the older girls love that. Our parents are key to the girl's friendships. We organize get togethers for dinners, 5ks, etc. I know our older girls would accept a play date from the younger ones but not sure about a sleepover. Although at away meets they always want to share rooms so who knows. My dd is 9 and actually prefers her older teammates to the ones her age because they goof off less.

 

[needcoffee]

DD was having a sleepover tonight with one of her team mates, and out of total experimentation after reading his thread I told her she could also invite one of the older girls (13) if she wanted. The girls response? "Cool! Be there in 20 minutes!"

I totally love our team.

 

[auswi]

DDs training group ranges from 9-14. They're always talking and messaging each other outside of gym. The two oldest ones are also total mother hens. They all love each other to bits.

In our group the kids have regular get togethers -lunches, birthday parties & the very occasional sleepover.

Every girl is ALWAYS invited -but this is definitely parent driven-we talk together about the number of hours they train & try to give them the 'normalising ' childhood events that kids outside of gym experience. Of course some gymies will have functions with other outside of gym friends but just like gymnastruby said the girls in the group are great friends.

I feel sad reading this thread for those girls excluded from a basically group wide invite -that is extraordinarily hurtful-but definitely its also been allowed /tolerated by the parents. Really really not cool!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Sometimes choices have to be made. Space limitations, financial limitations.
Sometimes everyone can't be invited.

A girl on my daughters team is having a birthday party due to space and cost the whole team won't be able to be invited. Now I am sure invites will be discrete. The girls are old enough to get that they shouldn't be talking about it in front of who ever is not going.

There are girls on the team who go to school together and live on the same block. They get together more and have sleepovers that don't include the whole team. It doesn't mean the don't like my kid and the others who don't get invited. It doesn't mean the kids are mean and the parents are bad mean parents.

There are times the whole team can go to things and times they can't. They regularly all go out for treats after practice. If meet is a travel meet they all have a meal together, perhaps spend time at a local attraction after the meet. All are welcome.

If I have a couple of friends at work and we decide to go out to lunch, should we be expected to invite the whole department? Of course not.

It's really not a bad thing for children to learn sometimes choices need to be made. And sometimes they may not get invited sometimes they will. I am also not a fan of forcing kids to have friendships they don't care to. We teach kindness and empathy.

When my daughter makes choices about play dates and parties, we always talk about the impact of her choices on others. There have been times where she has elected to scale things back to include more. And times where she has made different choices and handled them with great sensitivity.

And there have times where she has not gotten an invite and we talk about that too.

Same situation in school. Her classmates are just that classmates, they are all not her friends. She still needs to be kind. She needs to stick up for them if one is being picked on. She needs to include them while at school. But just because she invites a few of her friends to a party doesn't mean she needs to invite the whole class. What she can't do is things like hand out invites in school.

 

[cbifoja]

Sometimes choices have to be made. Space limitations, financial limitations.
Sometimes everyone can't be invited.

A girl on my daughters team is having a birthday party due to space and cost the whole team won't be able to be invited. Now I am sure invites will be discrete. The girls are old enough to get that they shouldn't be talking about it in front of who ever is not going.

There are girls on the team who go to school together and live on the same block. They get together more and have sleepovers that don't include the whole team. It doesn't mean the don't like my kid and the others who don't get invited. It doesn't mean the kids are mean and the parents are bad mean parents.

There are times the whole team can go to things and times they can't. They regularly all go out for treats after practice. If meet is a travel meet they all have a meal together, perhaps spend time at a local attraction after the meet. All are welcome.

If I have a couple of friends at work and we decide to go out to lunch, should we be expected to invite the whole department? Of course not.

It's really not a bad thing for children to learn sometimes choices need to be made. And sometimes they may not get invited sometimes they will. I am also not a fan of forcing kids to have friendships they don't care to. We teach kindness and empathy.

When my daughter makes choices about play dates and parties, we always talk about the impact of her choices on others. There have been times where she has elected to scale things back to include more. And times where she has made different choices and handled them with great sensitivity.

And there have times where she has not gotten an invite and we talk about that too.

Same situation in school. Her classmates are just that classmates, they are all not her friends. She still needs to be kind. She needs to stick up for them if one is being picked on. She needs to include them while at school. But just because she invites a few of her friends to a party doesn't mean she needs to invite the whole class. What she can't do is things like hand out invites in school.

So you are saying that you would allow your daughter to invite everyone on her team but one person if you had some sort of justification or rationale to make you feel okay with it?

 

[GYM0M]

So you are saying that you would allow your daughter to invite everyone on her team but one person if you had some sort of justification or rationale to make you feel okay with it?

I'm sorry, but I'm with you. There's NO WAY to rationalize or justify the exclusion of ONE child. I get that sometimes not everyone can be invited, but the grown up way of handling that is to let the parents know ahead of time. When the situation arose with my kiddo, I told the mom that she was definitely in the wrong and probably ruined a friendship. She defiantly sd that it was not intended to hurt feelings, ok, then why keep it a secret and only say something because the secret got out? Like I sd, I get how some kids have to be left out, but parents are the ones responsible for handling the fallout. I would rather be the bad guy to my kid than the kid that didn't invite her.

 

[Deleted member 17723]

I'm a gymnast, an old one for my level. Most of my teammates are at least 2 years younger, but I love them all. And they love me. I have one teammate who is 9 and just asked my to hang out and have a sleepover! Of course I said yes! I have another friend who is 8 and we hang out and talk all the time! I think that if your DD wants to invite the older teammate over she should! I know I almost always say yes, I would hope that her teammate would too.

 

[duyetanh]

I don't believe anyone on this forum is saying let's exclude one child. And girls who talk about it meanly and purposely exclude are, imho bullies and not rhe kindest sould around, to put it mildly. But sometimes not everyone can be invited. That is where parents and children must use discretion. Our gym truly is lovely, but situations happen. Last night a girl had a bday and brought in mini cupcakes...well her mom didnt know which groups were there that night, so there were not enough...my daughter kindly opted out. And as far as that party I mentioned earlier, THANK GOD my child WAS excluded from that party. I heard the mom of an 11 year old talking about it at gym today. She was not happy. The girls talked about boys, sex, if anyone had ever tried smoking, and watched a very inappropriate movie for an 8 year old imho. Thrilled she was the only one not invited. And she could care less...when they talked about it at the gym, they did not do it mean either. And yes we still got the girl a present and she was very gracious. So...in our situation, it was a good thing not to be invited!!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

So you are saying that you would allow your daughter to invite everyone on her team but one person if you had some sort of justification or rationale to make you feel okay with it?

It is not that simple.

My daughter has gym friends, school friends, friends on the block, friends from mommy and me, Chinese school friends.
I have encouraged her to have many interests. Its a way to counter bullying and relational aggression. Her identity is not tied to one thing. So if there are issues in one place she has others to offset it.

If we were to invite everyone she is friends with the number would be close to 30. Clearly that can't happen all the time.

So for instance a couple of years ago she wanted to go to a local water park for her birthday. I only could afford and felt comfortable with her and 2 friends. Her first thought was friends on the block, well no way to do that without including younger sibs which affected cost and height restrictions on rides. So she elected to ask 2 of her school friends instead. She is also mindful that she has different sets of friends so she can not invite just one from say Chinese school, because as host she needs to interact with all her guests so she can not invite one kid from say gym or Chinese school, she must invite at least 2 so they have someone to hang with if she is with anther guest.

Regarding her team we would never exclude only one, if we could afford and accommodate 11, we could make 12 work. Same with her class of 25, if we could make 22-23 work then its everyone.

But the reality is she wants a sleepover for her birthday. I will not be able to include everyone of her friends. We can not have her whole team. So we might pear down the invites so we can afford a treat gathering of her team. And a few school classmates for the sleepover.

The sleep over she just got invited to she has known the guest of honor since they were 3, again the mom can"t have the whole team but more like half. There are kids who are team mates and kids who are friends outside of gym. Some girls will not be invited. It happens. Its not mean, its just reality.
There will be no carrying on about a party in front of the "team". But it is what it is.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I personally prefer to have my daughter live in reality rather then pretty it up for her. Sometimes she doesn't get invited to something. Its not a reflection on her. The person having the party makes decisions and usually the considerations have not a thing to do with my kid.

She is not "best" friends with everyone and everyone is not "best" friends with her. And there are kids in her class who are not her favs, she save that venting for home. Its OK.

She, for the 5 year in running, got Positive Student of the month for her class. So I'm pretty comfortable that we are on the right track as far as being s good classmate, conscientious, kind, inclusive and empathic.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I don't believe anyone on this forum is saying let's exclude one child.

Yes, I certainly did not say that.

I said my child doesn't have to include everyone. That doesn't mean all but one.

And we have very in depth conversations about her choices and the impact they make.
She doesn't get away with I just don't want to............... Life is not so simple