Parents Parental mixed emotions

[MILgymFAM]

Is it ok feel proud of your DD when they come in last place? I feel like the other parents were pitying me and like I should have been mad or sad or something. The HC even said he wasn't going to ride them too hard last night because the parents would do it. What?! Why?

Is it ok to feel proud of them yet still feel disappointment at certain things? I feel like I am in a very awkward place with my DD. I am so proud of her attitude and her spirit. No matter how many people tell her she isn't good enough and she doesn't belong, she just keeps on trucking. She never gives less than 100%. She is continuously improving as a gymnast too. And yet she still comes in last place. Her coach is still disappointed in her, and in some way she is still disappointed in herself.

She competed her first JO meet, her first optional meet, yesterday. Yup, she came in last place. But you know what's weird? Her score was exactly the same as her first meet last year as an xcel gold. She had her best vault score ever. I thought that her floor looked beautiful (other than missing one skill that docked her SV and tanked her score). Heck I thought her bars were the cleanest I have ever seen her compete them, even though she scored the lowest score she ever has on any event (she had a 9.0 SV). I'm disappointed that she balked on floor, a little.. I know I shouldn't be, but there it is. I wish she hadn't fallen on beam, but I'm not disappointed. Overall, I think she had a pretty good first meet and she scored higher than I thought she would going into it. But I feel like there are so many expectations on my feelings, by the coach, the other parents, and my DD.

Anyway, that's all I have, I guess. I am proud of her. She is officially a level 6, she qualified for states, and she got out the first meet jitters (I hope). Onward and upward.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

Making it to optionals is an accomplishment in itself. Yes you should be VERY proud of her! I'm sure as the meet season goes on, she will get her start values up and do very well by states. It sounds like she had some nerves going on which would be normal with a big step up like this. But I think it's great that you are proud of her and support her no matter what, when it comes down to it, that's all they need from us and the rest will take care of itself. =)

 

[Sasha]

Thanks for sharing your feelings, MIL.

I think we, as people, and definitely as parents, are often MOST proud of someone who is working hard, gaining ground, getting out there and doing what they love DESPITE not being on 'top' and getting the external rewards. That is a dedicated person of great character. These are the people who show up in those viral facebook stories that make you sob happy tears and question your own character

And to me, disappointment doesn't cancel out pride. You can be proud of the hard work, the performance, the grit, AND feel some disappointment (empathy) that a long-fought skill was missed this time. Doesn't mean you are less proud. Nothing wrong with acknowledging disappointments. It's the attribution of disappointment that is key ("aw, bummer!" vs, "geez why do you even try").

P.S. my son came in last (or near) once or twice last season. Did not affect my pride one ounce!! I think it doubled it as he kept pushing himself despite leaving empty-handed at meets - something not everyone does in life....

 

[l.c.o]

You should be proud! "Last place" is so relative. Sometime last is the girl who competes one event and scores a 9.5. Sometimes it's a super competitive meet and the score is a 35. With qualifying to states, it sounds like a solid start, and like she's come a long way in building a good foundation for the season.

Heck, she's made it to optionals. My DD's been sitting and toiling around in compulsories yet.

There's ALWAYS something we can be proud of. Getting up after a fall, finally making *that* skill, improvements in practice... Working hard at practice and competing despite no improvements.

DD's first season, the top two girls for her level were both out with minor injuries at the same meet. They came to watch, and their moms went on and on and on all meet about how disappointing it would be that they couldn't compete and that they team had no chance to take first place. My DD peeled on bars, landed awkwardly on her ankle (fell on tush), and continued to compete the last two events, despite obviously being careful with it. Parents were upset as now "well, that's certainly not going to help". I gave my DD the biggest hug of the season, because it was the proudest I've been of her, despite it having been her lowest AA AND event scores at that point.

No matter where DD places or doesn't place, I try to high-five her and any teammates I see after the meet and tell them good job and comment on something positive. Fall 8 times? Well, your <insert> looked great - I can tell you're working hard!

The talking I've done about "creaming" those teammates with moms that intentionally/unintentionally make us feel bad is really said in jest. But things like this is why I said it - that wanting to root for the underdogs. It's more than scores and levels and placements. It's the whole picture, including learning to work through bad days and being a good teammate, etc.

Those small disappointments we feel don't negate the pride we feel. I've had tiny moments of disappointment at meets for my DD, too, though I'd never let her know it. And usually that disappointment is FOR HER, as I know she'll be mad at herself.

So again yes, you should be proud, darn it!

 

[profmom]

Is she setting good goals for herself and achieving them? Is she working hard and improving? If so, then puff that chest out as big as you can! It sounds to me like she had a great meet for where she is and established a strong foothold to move forward with the rest of her season. Forget about what the other parents are doing and thinking, and focus on what your girl is accomplishing. Very few gymnasts ever reach optionals. My DD is consistently at the bottom of her team, but she's stuck with it all these years. If I ever forget how far she's come, all I have to do is look back at where she was a few years ago. I am very proud of her and will remain so even if she never wins another medal.

Also try this -- if you've got some L9s and 10s working out around your gym, take a little while and watch them work out. I bet you'll look at them and think that all of them are pretty darn awesome gymnasts, and this impression will bear NO relationship to where they place at meets. Now realize that that thought is what every L3 and L4 girl has when she sees your DD at practice.

It took a long time and a lot of experience with the big ups and downs in this sport, but I feel like I have finally gotten to that place where I'm happy when my offspring do the best routines they are capable of doing, sad for them when they are disappointed by their performances, but able to support them and encourage them when things don't go well by their own yardstick. It's hard to get to that place, but it is a very good place to be.

 

[kayjaybe]

I feel proud for effort, determination, spirit, sportsmanship and tons of other things that have absolutely no relation to the score on the board or placement on the podium.

Honestly, I would NOT feel proud of a first place win if it also came with poor sportsmanship or a negative attitude. (Not saying that is what 1st place winners have/do. Just pointing out it is the spirit of the person, not the medal, that is worthy of pride.)

 

[Mommyo2az]

This post is very timely as my dd finished dead last yesterday. I definitely feel mixed emotions! I am so proud that she has come so far (she did Xcel bronze last year and level 4 now), yet I am disappointed that all her hard work didn't pay off this time . A fall on beam coupled with the bars set too far led to a downward spiral!

She is extremely hard on herself (already stated that she is now "terrible" on all 4 events), so I am of course trying to help her shake it off and just start with a clean slate! Hard for her to see the forest through the trees today.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Thanks everyone! I am going to drop her off to practice today with my head high and a huge smile. I am sure her scores will come up, but even if they don't I will keep doing the same thing.

As far as scores do go, there is some confusion if she started from a 9.0 or a 8.5 on bars so that may actually be the easiest to bring up. Floor she can def bring up and beam too. Vault she is already ecstatic with (yup, ecstatic with 10th lol). As long as HC doesn't pull her from competing it will all be ok.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

She is up there, giving her all, proud is the way to go

 

[Faith]

I've often said to my DD's I'm most proud of them when meets don't go 100% right, but they hold it together and don't give up.

DD1 amazes me- one comp she made a fairly major mistake and was firmly in last place. Pulled it together, and qualified for the final in 4th place. Went on to win the final.

DD2 as well. She watches her older sister win stuff seemingly easily, but she keeps working and trying. She's at a level where she often gets put in with the older age group, and comes near the bottom. But she still wants to compete, still trains hard.

It's amazing to see them win of course. But I am still proud of them wherever they come.

 

[JMACAZ]

And to me, disappointment doesn't cancel out pride. You can be proud of the hard work, the performance, the grit, AND feel some disappointment (empathy) that a long-fought skill was missed this time. Doesn't mean you are less proud. Nothing wrong with acknowledging disappointments. It's the attribution of disappointment that is key ("aw, bummer!" vs, "geez why do you even try").

I think Sasha said this very well. Especially the disappointment doesn't cancel out pride. Yesterday I was disappointed that ODD fell off the beam twice but very proud that she kept going and saluted with a smile. Your DD has worked her tail off to get where she is. In your land of not very many options she is doing the best with what she has and doing it with a smile on her face. As long as she is meeting her goals and that coach is supportive instead of punitive I am sure the next one will be better.

 

[Kcanflip]

The longer I'm in this sport the more I think it's the perseverance and grit and poise despite not doing well that makes the girls winners and not the medals! I've got a bottom of the packer who keeps plugging away when most girls have quit after level 4 and that makes me proud. Great job to your DD! You should definitely be proud!!

 

[gymgal]

As all others have said, it is just fine to feel such pride for your dd's hard work and accomplishments (sounds like there are a lot of them) while feeling pangs of disappointment that it didn't work out better for her this time around.

 

[catova]

I feel compelled to comment. She just keeps on trucking? She never gives less than 100%? She is continuously improving as a gymnast? She made it to optionals despite being told 'she isn't good enough'? Wow, your dd sounds like a success - and a winner - to me. Perseverance and ability to handle adversity without giving up are not skills that are necessarily nurtured in our youth today...your support of her gymnastics despite the obstacles suggests to me that you value these life lessons, and your daughter has a bright future ahead of her. Kudos to you both!

 

[rjb123]

Yes you should be proud!! My gosh these girls work so hard day in and day out. Every single one of them. And frankly, it makes it a little easier to do it if you are at the top of the heap come meet time. Not so in last. Your DD loves the sport no matter what- and she is internally motivated! That will take her far in life! So be a proud mama! You should be!

 

[UnoMas]

All 3 of my kids have come in last multiple times and in first only a handful of times. Yet we keep on keeping on and focusing on personal goals and improvements. Of course the firsts are more fun but what they do everyday is amazing and we should all feel proud of our gymnasts for just getting out there.
Also, JO can be a whole different ball of wax from xcel. For many reasons. She will adjust. Congrats to her on that first meet!

 

[gymmiemom]

I love your whole post. And I can so relate. My DD is in her first year of optionals as well (L7) and yesterday at her meet she also placed dead last in her age group. I was still super proud of her. She scored personal best scores on 3 events (even with a fall on beam) and would of on bars too if she wouldn't have had a fall.

This has been a growing year for her, she was a very successful compulsory gymnast. It's been hard for her little 9 year old self to put it all together at a meet. But I'm so proud of her determination, the fact that a rough year placement-wise hasn't gotten her down, and she is still having personal growth each meet, even if she isn't walking away with the amount of medals she is used to. It has truly made me realize how dedicated she is to this sport.

And I just have to add, that while I know some other parents are enjoying her lack of success this year (and some girls too) that I know deep down this is a valuable lesson for my DD. It is equally important to learn that deep belief in yourself, and how to be a gracious loser and a supportive teammate as it is to learn how to be a gracious winner.

 

[leotardmakermum]

My daughter went in her first "big deal" competition last year. She did miles better than I thought she would. I was so terribly proud of her - she overcame injury and injury "blues", and even overcame a desire to give up part way through last year. At one stage we never thought we'd see her compete again. So for her to do so well, and now she has a national ranking which isn't too shabby at all, we were thrilled.

One of the other mums, however, thought they all (all her teammates) should have done better. Obviously their results weren't good enough for her. I'm still quite mystified by that response. My daughter is a champion - not because she came first (because she didn't!) - but because she persevered and did her best.

And then followed weeks (months?) of that mother's daughter trying to belittle all her teammates, and make out she was better than the rest of them. Honestly, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We can do without that kind of rubbish, thanks very much.

 

[needcoffee]

Someone has to come last! I'm not sure what your qualifying score for state is, but if she qualified then she still must have had a decent score! Gymnasts are amazing. I'd like to see all these snobby disappointed parents get up there and do what they can do.

DD and I recently had a big talk about this upcoming season. She decided goals are more important than places, so she set herself a goal for each apparatus. Basically she will be thrilled if she ever gets an 8.5 on beam.

 

[Musicmama]

That certainly sounds like a lot to be proud of!

Mixed feelings are part of life (and certainly part of gymnastics, in my limited experience) and I believe that it's more important, as a parent, to stress the things that I'm proud of and to let my dd's coach deal with the things that might have been a bit disappointing for me. I guess I basically see my primary job as support and encouragement and the coach's primary job as fine-tuning and addressing issues.

Also, I saw more than a few girls in tears at the meet this past weekend after rough events - girls from Xcel Silver all the way up to L10. They were clearly already putting a ton of pressure on themselves and I don't want to add to any pressure my dd might already feel.