Parents Parents perspective on a low point...

[my4buffaloes]

"My evil plan is that gymnastics will continue to take up too much time and we can save that horrifying conversation until college..."

This is totally my plan! My dh and I are running ourselves ragged getting the kids where they need to be, but they are busy.

 

[momof5]

iwannacoach you completely described the coaching situation my DD is in and has been struggling with for months. Hum... do you want to talk to her coach for me?

 

[gopuckgo]

Children are not robots, they are living and breathing human beings. Humans are emotional creatures. Where most coaches make their mistakes is when attempting to make a gymnast mentally strong by teaching them to hold back and not feel. It's knowing how to identify the emotion and doing something productive with that will get you somewhere in gymnastics or in life. Everyone needs gratification for their work. The marines and navy seals work hard too, they get something called a pay check. What is your daughter's motivation and goals? There has to be a payoff somewhere for her or she will lose herself and be done. She needs to figure out why she was drawn to gymnastics in the first place and find the passion again. There are plenty of examples of robotic gymnasts out there. The best are ones who smile with their hearts and perform from the heart, it's a conscious body awareness that moves beyond the physical realm. She needs to connect with that fire again.

It is very hard to move gyms and fit in. My daughter moved this year and it has taken a full year to make friends. Does she have friends in the gym yet? That helps a lot with feeling confident when it's more of a family feel, after all she probably spends more time there than at home.

I have learned so much from starting off as a gymnast, then coaching for many years, then having my own little gymnast. I have had to wear all hats and let me tell you each one is hard to wear. But I remember slightly losing my passion too and having very emotionally detached coaches at times. I had to search within myself to find the answers. I had to make sure that I was doing it for me and not for anyone else.

She is very lucky to have such a checked in and caring mother. You should talk with her and don't rule out speaking with the coaches too. After all you are an expert on your child. Don't worry about being called a CGM. I hate that term and it is thrown around way too quickly on here and in other places. You should see it as a collaborative relationship with the coaches, after all you are paying them. One can always learn more, grow, evolve and listen. No coach is above that.

 

[Amusibus]

I hate that term too! It is a way to disempower parents. Rise above this ridiculous terminology.

 

[gracyomalley]

I too hate the term - but I do use it as a reminder to myself of keeping a bit of perspective....

 

[BachFlyer]

They were hoarders. We're talking goats eating a couch in the front yard, no kitchen drawer or cabinet door would close, no carpet showing through the clutter on the floor, pushing your way through piles of clothes to enter through laundry room bc front door was blocked by the afore mentioned goats. My IMMEDIATE thought was...OMG! I could NEVER share grandchildren with these people!!!! Why didn't I make her stay in gymnastics?!!?!!!

Oh my goodness, Goats? Really?? This is not a story that can be fairly told without the ending!!!

 

[BachFlyer]

Wow! Where have you been all my DDs life? All adults should learn something here . The only way to truly engage a child is by touching her heart in some way. When they know we care, they progress. Why is that so hard to grasp? Thank you iwannacoach. I am glad you followed your passion to coach. Your gymnasts are very lucky to have you!

Gymmie C - I concur! And I hope your daughter can find her way with her coaches, too.

Really, how can you expect a child to do well when there's no heart and soul left due to your own indifference. Coaches that expect a child to put their heart into "it" while the passively toss out corrections with none of their heart engaged..... it just doesn't make sense..

On a more serious note - This. Exactly This.
This is what I feel is lacking. My DD gets frustrated easily, because she's a perfectionist, and she always has been, I know this. But her old coach could use it and balance it by nurturing her spirit, feeding her love of the sport by getting excited about her successes. And now that there isn't any thing to counter it, it is getting worse, and starting to show. No inspiration. Thank you so much for the words, I was struggling to get there and you nailed it, and I am so glad some of you understand.

So, what the heck do I say to help them understand how to work with her more successfully? How do I get them to hear that I'm not criticizing them and I'm trying to help them help her? Wouldn't they want that? As it stands, I suspect they are going to drop her back to L9 for the end of the season even though she is scoring mid35s, which is not her best but not awful either, and she's worked so hard! I feel like it will only add insult to injury.

Thankfully her friendships with the team are growing and all is well there, that is a blessing for sure.

 

[KipNurse]

This is mostly a vent but would love feedback if anyone has any, especially from coaches. My DD switched gyms before last season - it was an unexpected and hard change due to lots of circumstances. She has always done very well including last year as a L9 at the new gym, and this year is competing L10. But for the first time, she is obviously struggling, both on new skills and skills she’s been doing for years. I am totally ok with her hitting a plateau, and know it is to be expected, and I am really proud of her for all she has accomplished especially given the difficult transition. But I’m feeling worried because though she is still training hard and not complaining, she just seems to have lost her "spark" and confidence. It is somewhat intangible, and I thought for a while it was just the added pressure of L10, but it's been going on for a few months. I had a little talk with her the other day and she agreed something feels off. It seems part of the issue is that she doesn't really think her new coaches believe in her like her old coach did, and I think there is truth to that, and it is affecting her belief in herself. Coaches have mentioned once that she gets frustrated easily, and is too hard on herself, which is also true. But I'm afraid they see this as the entire reason why she's struggling, and that is where I think they are missing the mark. New coaches are super reserved with both the gymnasts and especially parents, and they don't ever express any excitement or pride. DD in general likes them ok, and we've talked a lot during the transition about the changes - both the positives (there are tons!) and the challenges. Intellectually she understands. But she is 12 and a very easy going, gentle soul - she is internally very disciplined and determined and doesn't need to win to be happy (admirable), but she doesn't give herself enough credit. I think until she gets a little older she might need help to believe in herself, and not from me because it's not the same from a parent since they know we are proud of them but stupid about gymnastics While I don't agree with constant and undeserved praise in gym or life, I do feel like occasional kind, motivating words and some assistance in feeling proud of herself would be very helpful to her right now. Unfortunately, this really doesn't seem to be their style here.

Maybe it is the sport, but it also seems like coaches know everything and don't think parents are a valuable resource when it comes to the hearts and minds of our own kids - and it is really troubling me. I surely don’t know gymnastics, but I feel like we as parents know our kids' souls, and that this is not a bad thing! Coaches never seem to be curious about our thoughts, even when it comes to these areas where we might have insight, and I think a lot of parents agree that it is intimidating to express your concerns for fear of being labeled a CGM. I never question anything, have hardly spoken to the staff since last June, but I feel extra reserved here where they don't know me very well.

Anyway, she has no desire to quit or anything drastic, but I guess I'm just a little sad that she has lost her pep, and just want her to get back to feeling confident and self-assured I have no clue how or IF I should even talk to them about what I think is "really" going on, or just support my DD as best I can at home and cross my fingers it gets better and not worse?

I don't have a lot to add as I have a little one heading into the 5/6 route but I almost cried when I read your comment on "as parents we know our kids' souls". Oh my word yes...That was so sweet and so true and prayers your way on your talented kiddo's journey.

 

[kris]

I have a just turned 12-year old who is about to quit, and a lot of her problem is a coach that is too stingy with the praise and too harsh with the criticism. When they get a new skill, and the skills don't come as quickly or easily at this level, instead of celebrating with them, he's ready for the next big skill. They used to have a second coach who would celebrate their successes, but she rarely works with them, and I truly believe that is a large part of why DD is not loving the sport right now. DD is a perfectionist and a people pleaser and feeling like she can never do well enough for this coach is crushing her. I've told them as such at the gym, but it doesn't seem to matter. Sad thing is, I know she is actually one of this coach's favorites and he's pushing her hard because he does believe in her. Just his way of pushing and her personality are not a good fit. She's only training 9 right now, so doesn't have the level 10 pressure on her, but 12 is a hard age for sure! I hope both of our girls find their spark again soon.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

Sounds like exactly the same thing my daughter says frequently when she comes from the gym, "He never tells me when I do something good and he doesn't explain how to fix something that is wrong -- he just says do it again. He praises other girls, why not me?" Now, she's not the best girl on the team by a long shot, and she's 12 so that is hard. Plus she has ADHD (well controlled, but still noticeable during evening practices). And she's "old" by gym standards -- 12 YO L4 -- but the team is mostly older because the gym just stared competing about 2 years ago. But still, can't he say something encouraging every now and then? Why do they have to be so stoic and reserved? She's not terrible (35 AA yesterday in the 3rd meet as an L4), just not the best in the group.

She actually had the courage to ask him once about it. Response? "I only praise when it is deserved." OK, way to encourage a child -- NOT. Not to mention teaching her that standing up for herself is a bad idea. I've tried to talk to him as well, but he doesn't "do" conversations, so it is always via email. Nothing changed. We tried having her take private lessons with him in hopes that he would then be warmer -- and he ways, but only during the private lesson. And paying for those every week just isn't possible! I'm tempted to just tell her "he's a jerk" but obviously that isn't the right thing to do. So for the moment I'm trying to encourage her to learn to let his comments (0r lack of) roll off her back and to work with the other two coaches as much as possible. She wrote an essay earlier this year about how teachers and coaches shouldn't have obvious favorites. Heartbreaking. Tempted to send it to the coach. I won't because it would just cause "drama" and this gym is firmly anti-drama. But I wish I knew what to do to make it better.

 

[auswi]

As parents we put a lot if time/resources into our gymmies physical preparation- classes/ privates/ massage/ correct diet// physio etc etc

At least half the equation is their minds.

I believe sport psychologists are a very under-utilised resource.

They add an extra dimension to the athlete/parent/coach triad.

I researched online and through other parents a well qualified and recommended psychologist. After one session the improvement was immense.

Dd needed to learn techniques specific to her with confidence, and to internalise her measure of success.

We go back for a second session and are definitely planning on having semi regular sessions as a maintenance tool.

It was also fantastic because it allowed me to stay firmly in the home-as-safety-net place

Good luck!

 

[gymjunkie]

I think part of the problem is her new coaches haven't known her long enough to know she's lost her pep. That's something coaches struggle with when we get a new kid.

I wanted to give my perspective on why I often don't value a parent's input. When a gymnast has a good relationship with me, they share more with me than their parent. So when a mom tells me something they think I should know about their gymnast, it's often different from what I see and know as a coach. It's clouded by what they want to believe is going on (or sometimes what their child wants them to believe is going on).

Examples:

In the most recent season I had a parent tell me she feels her daughter lost a lot of confidence because she wasn't chosen for the anchor spot in the competition line-up (nope, the child requested to go first on every event because she gets nervous going near the end).

I had a parent tell me their child is still sad because they had to repeat a level (nope, when I told the child I was on the fence she begged me to let her repeat that level and was noticeably happier once I agreed).

I had a parent tell me their child is unhappy about being teased at the gym (nope, I had to confront that same child more than once about teasing other kids at the gym).

Those are 3 of about 10 examples I could give of this last season. I could write an essay if I went into summer training and multiple seasons. The parents who are the most off about what is going on with their gymnast are the ones most involved in the sport (too involved). They want constant updates about their kids/they are always giving you their own updates. With those parents, input about their child is always way off base and yes, I do ignore it. You unfortunately get so many parents like that, you tend to think of parental input as a waste of your time. You may be experiencing some of this bias, because they don't know you yet.

I find that the parents who are not overly involved/involved in an unhealthy way with gymnastics often provide valuable insight into their kids. I welcome that input and always find it helpful.

 

[Midwestmommy]

I had a parent tell me their child is unhappy about being teased at the gym (nope, I had to confront that same child more than once about teasing other kids at the gym).

This one made me chuckle--good for you for looking at the whole dynamics! You are a bit of a rare bird in that. Most experts in bullying and adolescent behavior would agree that teachers, coaches, etc. are generally clueless about the social dynamics between "tween" girls, and aren't aware of what is going on when they aren't looking. Kids are masters at doing things when teacher is not looking, in the halls, lunchroom etc. Sometimes (not always) the teacher's pets are the meanest kids if behavior goes unchecked. And behind, well maybe not all, but certainly many, kids exhibiting "mean girl" behavior is a parent who acts the same way...

PS why when coaches ask the parents to please limit their viewing to a few times a month for their own sanity, don't they actually mean it? We other parents know the one or two who sit there literally 16 hours a week are way overinvolved and see it play out in various situations where they seem to go off the deep end... and they are an otherwise nice decent person who seems to just need an "addiction" intervention. But yet they seem to be a fav of the coach and get their way all the time with privates, etc. etc. .... despite the wording in the viewing guidelines... I am saying that tongue in cheek, I know you can only lead a horse to water...

 

[BachFlyer]

Hi, OP here. This thread is from last year, so I figured I'd pop back in with an update, since I (and my dd) have another year of perspective now that I can share. Things have gotten better for my girl this year, she is definitely back in a better place than she was and competed L10 this season pretty successfully, still some bumps but not as many. I think a few things have contributed to the improvements. She is a year or so older and more mature, she doesn't have the "first year 10" jitters, she has more practice with more skills under her belt, and she is more used to how her new coaches operate. We have had many conversations this past year about learning how to internalize her successes and not internalize other people's personalities, and about how important this is not only for gym but also in life. I'm trying to help her identify her feelings and trust in her own intuition and heart, and also how to verbalize what she finds there so we can work through it when she finds a bruised spot. I have encouraged a relationship with an older teammate (on both sides) who is a very caring individual and who has a soft spot for my dd and gets her, and that has helped provide another encouraging voice. I have had a gentle yet honest conversation or two with the coach, that have solved an issue or two but I felt was relatively poo-poo'ed overall, but I have no idea whether or not it has really translated to a different approach in the gym at all. Some of our conversations have revealed a good insight on the coach's part, too. But the reality remains that our coach's personality is diametrically opposed to mine and dd's, and that is not going to change, nor is her philosophy on us parents, so part of my learning experience is figuring out how to help dd and myself make the best of a situation that is not perfect but has many positives. It is easier sometimes than others to accept that coaching style is not always bringing out the best in her, but overall it has become something that just "is what it is". Through all of this, I've confirmed what I knew - a parent's instincts ARE valuable, we do know our kids, and sometimes we have to take a stand for our kids even when it goes against the grain or makes people uncomfortable.

 

[duyetanh]

Great to hear. 12 is just the worst year ever...doesn't matter if they aren't even insports. It's just a rough, rough year.

 

[NutterButter]

[QUOTE="We have had many conversations this past year about learning how to internalize her successes and not internalize other people's personalities, and about how important this is not only for gym but also in life.[/QUOTE]

Thanks so much for the update and for the nugget of advice above. This hits home for me right now. My 13 yr old DD has a very similar temperament to yours. She has been struggling on bars for many months and is not progressing at all. At first I thought her troubles were growth spurt related (and in the beginning that was maybe true) but it's apparent now that the issue is how my DD relates to her bar coach. Her coach is fine but she is the total opposite of DD. I know she wants DD to be successful but I think she doesn't fully 'get' my uber-sensitive and thoughtful 13 year old. It's a constant balance on my part on assuring DD that I really support/understand HER feelings while defending her coach. You know, the balancing act of when to just let DD vent with me sometimes agreeing with her and when to step in and offer a different perspective. And I've tried to have very honest communication with DD's coach on what DD needs and I've had some success with this too.