Coaches Poisonous Parents

[twisting007bigflip]

There's one or two in most gyms, I assume...

The parent that likes to sit and gripe to other parents...the parent who knows more about coaching gymnastics than you do, the parent who knows what level their child should be competing, the parent who thinks we need "blingier" leotards, the parent who walks onto the floor in the middle of a meet to fix her child's hair, the parent always with a camera - snapping 500 pictures at every meet, the parent who films other athletes in your gym so that she can "teach" her child routines in the next level up...the parent who distracts her child during class time by filming her or taking pictures with her cell phone (the kid is constantly staring at her mother and that STUPID iphone and ipad)...the "when will my suzie start kipping" parent, the "when my daughter is an elite, where will our meets be" parent...(said child being an 11 year old just moved to level 5), the parent who calls around to other gyms to get prices, hours for team, level requirements and "threatens" to change gyms a couple of times every year...The parent who tries and sometimes succeeds in poisoning other parents minds in to her way of thinking...The parent who is complaining that we aren't competing enough...i mean, the list goes on and on and on...

How long before I tell this parent that she is no longer a good fit in our gym?

Problem number 1: She is well known in our small community, and has a big mouth and likes facebook...word travels fast...
Problem number 2: The child is a super hard worker who I just adore and don't want to lose.
Problem number 3: My telling her to leave will totally blow into rumors on why they left our gym. (this is the parent who will also blame this on me and the owner and the other coaches - she's good at leaving a bad taste in others mouths when she feels "wronged" in some way)

So what do i do? Suck it up and deal with her? Or do I give her the boot? I've already asked her to back off a little...explained that she isn't allowed on the floor at meets, please try not to let your daughter see you with the camera...if you have a complaint, please talk to me or owners about it instead of the other parents who cannot help resolve coaching or gym issues...

 

[Deleted member D3987]

keep the kid and boot the parent. if she doesn't like THAT arrangement then she'll go elsewhere.

 

[bookworm]

I guess the question you need to ask yourself as a coach is "are we better off with this kid (AND her parent) or without?"...and i suspect you know the answer. And as for what she will tell others when she leaves, it seems to me that her behavior as she goes forward will tell its own story because if she continues to behave as she has been in her next gym (and she will because those kind of nutbags never change..) , people will KNOW why she was asked to leave yours....

 

[Aussie_coach]

The other parents are not silly, they will a recognise that this parents behaviour is inappropriate, keeping her on would be more damaging you could lose other parents because of her behavior, or parents will wonder why she can do these things and they can't, or even worse copy her.

if you are as honest as possible she can't discredit you, if you do kick her out hold a parent meeting and explain to the other parents exactly why. Nip the rumours in the bud before they start.

 

[iwannacoach]

Keep both the kid and the parent. Coach the kid so she can show everyone what an idiot her mother must be for questioning your coaching. In that context, you'll end up with a child who can set the standard of what to do, and a CGM who will set the standard of what not to do.

Try to relax......I'm sure there's at least a majority of folks who're on to this woman, and will give you the 411 if anything malicious is catching hold and gaining ground.

 

[Faith]

I think it's a shame to get rid of the kid because of the mother. She works hard and you like coaching her, bad message IMO that you'll kick good kids off team because of parents.

I'd implement a few rules wrt parent behaviour- send out a newsletter stating that all video and photography is banned, for child protection reasons. No parents on the floor, in the gym or at meets because it voids insurance. Any parent distracting gymnasts during practice will be asked to leave the building for the duration.

We have those rules and if there's a breach a coach comes out and warns whoever. If they persist the windows are closed and there's no viewing for the rest of the session.

If a parent breaches these rules at a comp, the child must miss the next one.

State that any parent persistently disobeying will be asked to leave the program, which obviously you don't want to do as it's punishing the children.

Then if you do have to ask her to leave, you've outlined why beforehand and killed all the rumours as everyone will know, especially if you warn her publicly when she's up to her business in training.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

and because some are so poisonous and belligerent, after all that good stuff ^^^doesn't work, keep the kid and keep the parent out.

 

[gymdog]

Speak her language. Tell her it's essential she back off because it's affecting her daughter's progression and focus, and she is going to progress better if mom is not there. You have observed x, y, z issues with her divided focus and therefore you asking for her to be dropped off and mom not watch the practice. If she cannot abide by these conditions then she will be asked to leave the team.

Unfortunately no matter how clear you state the rules someone this over the top is going to cause trouble and get themselves kicked out anyhow. Cut to the chase, she can swim or abandon ship.

Of course if you DON'T have those parent rules and regulations, I would recommend that you implement them ASAP anyway just so everyone is on the same page. But I'm operating under the assumption that this person is just generally breaking all the rules, as some people are prone to do.

 

[raenndrops]

We had a complaining parent in our gym for a couple of years. Her daughter was sooooo great. She used to go to a club gym, but the drive was too far now that mom had 3 kids in activities, so she had to "settle" for our program. She still took her daughter to the old club's summer camp held especially for girls competing at a team level (our camp is for anyone and the team basically helps out and works out on the open events).
Our leotards were boring (meaning we should get more expensive ones) ... so, when ours were discontinued, we went from $75 leotards to $125 leotards. Our $35 warm ups were boring too, so (the new leotards involved a change from navy to black and the old warm ups didn't come in black with our shade of blue) we got new black GK warm ups with bling on them. We weren't in enough meets (we didn't leave our district for invitationals like other teams did... we did 6 meets plus Championships plus YMCA Nationals), so the coach added an Invitational meet for this season... but in the mean time, the family quit because the girl wanted to move up but wasn't quite ready (but the coach was going to let her- she just hadn't announced it yet).
One time, she even had the audacity to complain about a delay at a meet we were hosting - in the lobby - with a lot of other people around! The delay was the result of a computer glitch with the age group awards. In my 5 years at the gym, this is the ONLY time we have gotten off schedule... and we were only running 45 minutes late for the last session... not bad considering I have attended meets at other gyms where we were already an hour behind by the start of the 2nd session and the end of session 3 awards was just after 11pm.

Poisonous parents will eventually weed themselves out. They will drive their children to quit or they will get over themselves. Good luck.

 

[twinklytoes9468]

Sadly in any position working with kids, parents are an occupational hazard that come with the territory.Some of them think of course thay can run a school better than the teachers or coach better than the coaches.I have one parent like that. I remember I had been working with a girl ages on a move, she had finally got it . Her mother from the viewing area shouted to her child to correct a tiny aesthetic mistake and of course then the kid lost it because she was focusing on that! On that occasion I told the mother is she ever did that again she would not be allowed to watch.I think it's all about setting and enforcing clear boundaries.For example I would have thought parental photography in the gym should be banned for child protection reasons and certainly photographing other people's kids!!

 

[Linsul]

Maybe I'm old now but man when it comes to poisonous parents I just lean into the pain. Yes, I'm offering this child a private I didn't offer yours. Let me tell all the ways some particular issues will benefit from one or two privates. We *do* want all the girls to have an equal chance to make it to team, right? Right. Thought so. Or hey, you need to stop hand signaling to your kids while they're on beam. You ARE a distraction, and we all care about safety so if you don't stop then may I direct you to the Starbucks around the corner? Do it a few times in the group for transparency and it serves to let them all know at once and cuts out the gossip of "Coach so and so said "x" to such and such parent!" We all know, we were there, and collectively you have no secrets. Should you try to fester we'll have a group session lancing.

 

[Linsul]

I got a really nice pm asking about the above post, going to elaborate here. All my girls parents have my number and my email. No shortage of ways to get in touch, and I respond within 24hrs. I communicate directly with them, and that is in a sense "parent training." They know that as their child progresses more time and effort is required of the coach, so wait time to talk to them will increase. Easy access to me is to give them an outlet to be comfortable with our methods and practices and be confident in how we do things so that wait isn't anxiety ridden.

Having said that I expect my contact info to be used in the event of anything needing to be said. Not every situation is black and white and my goal is to never say no if I don't have to. One on one I can do that, not every gymnast and family is the same. Anything decided though is between us. Also private communication makes parents more comfortable telling me anything they may not want to say in the lobby regarding their child. I've heard a lot of "Her dad and I are separating." or "We just found out grandma passed away." and such over the years, and that heads up is very valuable to me regarding how their child does for the day and what I expect of them. I WANT them to talk to me. I will accommodate when approached directly. Sideways though through lobby chat or gym gossip though, we don't do that. We don't tiptoe around it when it happens, and there will be no hostage situations should it not stop.