Respectful conversation on sticking it out versus giving it up

[lilgymmie7]

speaking as a "former" everything, and not yet a grandparent, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't if you are the kid, the parent or a coach. each case is different when considering "what i should have done", will my child think i'm "mommie(daddy's too) dearest"? etc;

1 thing i learned at a young age from my parents, grandparents, etc; you never quit ANYTHING without a plan. then you must know and understand why you are quitting. and you can't quit until the committment has ended. i learned and have practiced just this with my own children and that of my athletes.

That is very sound advice! I don't think anyone wants to raise a quitter. Kids are quick to say, "I quit!" when things get rough. DS would say that all last year when he lost a match until we said, "Okay, march right up to your coach and tell him that" he stopped after that because we called his bluff. He is ever so serious now and talks about grander accomplishments with his wrestling. Now our job is to continue teaching that hardwork, dedication, and perserverance will get him there. Parenting is tough. Our deeds will never truly be seen/noted until our kids are all grown up!

 

[Mack_the_Ripper]

Sorry if TL;DR.

I was "tracked" as a talented little snot when I was 5 and in gym classes, which would have led to competing around age 7, maybe. However, once I started kindergarten I was exhausted and felt that I didn't want gym to be so "serious", and quit. I returned around age 7, in the regular classes that don't lead to competition most of the time. I liked the social aspect and learning tricks but quit to try ballet.

When I was 10, I convinced my mother that it was OK to do three activites (ballet, gym, and figure skating), and boyyy this time I was ready to work! I'd learned a lot of dedication and work ethic from figure skating (though I never enjoyed it as much as gym) and this time I was going to get on team if it killed me! FINALLY I was put onto pre-team and team soon after.

I was competing level 4 as a thirteen-year-old, and I was "old for my age", physically and mentally. It was pretty humiliating and led to some insecuity issues, blah blah blah. But now I'm fifteen-going-on-sixteen and working level 7. I made this far because I pushed myself as hard as I could. Do I regret quitting when I was younger? No way. I wasn't ready in those years for the dedication and self-drive that is needed on team. I don't know if I'd have ever grown into a self-driven gymnast.

Just my $0.02, but if she doesn't want to do gymnastics right now, it will only make her unhappy to keep her there. She knows what she likes and doesn't like, and a resentful gymnast is no kind of athlete to be. She CAN come back later if she wants to, and being a little old is not the end of the world. Perhaps it even has a life lesson somewhere in there.

 

[Where's the beach?]

I haven't posted yet, but I finally feel like I have something to add . This exact question is how I came to discover the Chalk Bucket. My DD, now 11 took her first rec class in May 2008. This season she is competing level 7. For the first two years she was the best, best in her rec class, best level 3 then best level 5. After level 5 states her coaches moved her up with the optional girls. Within two weeks she wanted to quit. I thought it was getting to be too much commitment for her, but I wasn't ready to let her give up something I knew she loved. So the two of us had a meeting with her coaches. Turns out she was scared, scared of the new tougher skills, scared of the "big girls" and ( this is the biggie) scared of not being the best and things not coming as easily for her for the first time in her life. She and her coaches made a deal to stick it out through the summer and if she still wanted to quit, then she would. I felt a little bad because the choice had been taken out of her hands (and mine as well) but it all worked out for her. In October, I remembered about the deal and I told her if she still wanted to quit she could, but she better do it before I paid the meet fees, LOL, she said NO WAY, Mom, I feel like I was made for gymnastics!
I think if a kid wants to quit something they once enjoyed, we as parents should make a deadline, somewhere around three months. That way we can be sure that this is what they (kids) truly want. It gives them a chance to get through a rough patch, if that's what's going on, or if they are really done, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope you all have a very Happy and safe New Year!

 

[gymnastbeth]

Sorry if TL;DR.
I was "tracked" as a talented little snot when I was 5 and in gym classes, which would have led to competing around age 7, maybe. However, once I started kindergarten I was exhausted and felt that I didn't want gym to be so "serious", and quit. I returned around age 7, in the regular classes that don't lead to competition most of the time. I liked the social aspect and learning tricks but quit to try ballet.

I was also a "talented" kid when I first started gym. The coaches wanted me to speed up, and get through the levels. My mom made me go to the practices when I didn't want to. I HATED going to the gym. I quit in the second grade. But in 4th grade, I began to forget why I quit. I started at a different gym, where they didn't push me, and I thrived. I went through levels, made friends, and had so much fun putting effort into this sport. This year will be my first year competing level 9, after going through years of gymnastics. Some days, for weeks at a time, I would want to quit. This especially happened in middle school, when my friends were doing other things, and I broke my hand. My mom made me stick it out. I didn't want to go. She made me. At the time, I was so mad at her, and gymnastics. I just wanted to be done. I absolutely despised gymnastics practice. But I did keep going, and it did get better.

I don't regret her making me go to the gym, but only because now I've found success in the sport. It would be different if I was still struggling. Highschool gymnastics also helped bring back the fun in the sport, and now I love gymnastics. If my mom did let me quit when I wanted to, there would always be "what ifs" in my mind, on what I could have achieved. Now I know, and I'm glad that I stuck it out.

 

[Billy]

I think the key to the "I want to quit" puzzle is asking why. DD has asked to quit the sport three times. Each time we had long discussions about what was going on and why she wanted to quit.

The first time actually had nothing to do with gymnastics at all. She was at the gym three nights a week while Daddy stayed home with her brothers. She was convinced they were having loads of fun at home without her and she felt like she was missing out on time with her dad. We implemented "Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dates" where every other Friday, DH would take her to gym, watch her practice and then take her out to dinner. That fixed the problem and she didn't want to quit gym anymore.

The next time she wanted to quit was when she had an extremely harsh coach who told her she'd never get beyond level 5, yelled at her in front of everybody and then ignored her. DD was 7 years old and devastated. She wanted to quit but instead we changed gyms and she persevered.

The last time she wanted to quit was two weeks before Christmas. She'd lost her giants, in spite of just having competed them, was frustrated, emotionally upset, afraid to keep trying. It was a mess. But, she stuck out the two weeks (still no giants), had a week off before Christmas, and went back on Monday this week (still no giants). The difference was that somewhere in those couple of weeks, she "grew up" a little bit. She is learning to recognize frustration and is learning how to handle it. On Monday, rather that being all upset, she told me she was frustrated about the giants but she kept trying and didn't give up. And yesterday, she got her giants back. She is so happy that she worked through it and it paid off.

The bottom line is that there were underlying reasons/problems that needed to be addressed. But, we wouldn't have known that if we'd just said "okay" when she wanted to quit. I definitely agree that when they are ready to quit something that has been such an integral part of their lives, it needs to be on a high note, at "the end" (the end of the season, the end of the level, something).

As this has already run really long, I'll add just one more short bit. Apparently, I was a really talented pianist when I was younger. My mother now tells me I could have been a concert pianist had I stuck with it. I'm not upset that they didn't "make" me stick with piano, but I do wish they'd told me I had potential to be great. I can't remember my parents every telling me I was particularly gifted or anything that might have made me consider a future for myself with it. I wish they had. I might have made different choices.

 

[NGL780309]

I was also a "talented" kid when I first started gym. The coaches wanted me to speed up, and get through the levels. My mom made me go to the practices when I didn't want to. I HATED going to the gym. I quit in the second grade. But in 4th grade, I began to forget why I quit. I started at a different gym, where they didn't push me, and I thrived. I went through levels, made friends, and had so much fun putting effort into this sport. This year will be my first year competing level 9, after going through years of gymnastics. Some days, for weeks at a time, I would want to quit. This especially happened in middle school, when my friends were doing other things, and I broke my hand. My mom made me stick it out. I didn't want to go. She made me. At the time, I was so mad at her, and gymnastics. I just wanted to be done. I absolutely despised gymnastics practice. But I did keep going, and it did get better.

I don't regret her making me go to the gym, but only because now I've found success in the sport. It would be different if I was still struggling. Highschool gymnastics also helped bring back the fun in the sport, and now I love gymnastics. If my mom did let me quit when I wanted to, there would always be "what ifs" in my mind, on what I could have achieved. Now I know, and I'm glad that I stuck it out.

It's nice to have a kids perspective on it. Thanks for sharing with us parents. We don't always knows what's going on in the heads of our little ones.

 

[emorymom]

I think this is a personality issue with the adult who looks back. Do you look back and grumble or do you look back and remember the positive things? When you come to a hurdle in life, do you jump it or blame your mother (or father or parents) for it being there? In my family I observe various mother-blamers on both sides, and those of us who don't really have much complaints about our mothers. I have one older relative who, the last time I saw her, still wanted to rant to me about her mother and seemed to get increasingly agitated that I did not have negative experiences with her mother [or rather, do not consider my relationship with her to have been negative]. Her mother died 20 years ago at the age of 90.

I think we can help our children develop positive personalities but there's no assurance.

Mine are too young to have any first hand experience with real quitting like "is it time to quit." I have a friend who lets her young (now 5 and 8) children drift in and out of gymnastics, karate, swimming, etc. but it goes along with her entire parenting style which is really that she lets them make all their own choices. I see the pros of that but I choose a more authoritarian approach. To a point my kids can decide the goal but at 6 and 7 they are not fully equipped to know how to get there.

When they are young like mine I go based on (1) do I think the pros of the activity for them outweight the cost to them and the family and (2) are they visibly having fun almost all the time. I do not go much by what they say. Older child is in so much and hardly ever wants to quit anything. Younger has a love / hate relationship with most structured activities but if it's good for him and he's almost always having fun once he gets INTO practice then he stays. I am willing to talk to coach to problem solve about the fact that DS wants to quit because teammate Adam looked at him funny ten minutes before practice let out, but I do not let him make these decisions like my friend does. My kids also claim, at times, to hate Spanish. That does not mean I am selling Rosetta Stone.

 

[MaryA]

I'm going through this now. Not with gymnastics. Kathy's twin sister takes dance and goes to a dance camp in the summer where she needs to do ballet, modern, tap, and jazz. Her background is in ballet and modern. Jazz is close enough to those two that she can get through it. But she had no background in tap, so she decided that, in preparation for camp next summer, she would take tap this year so that she had some clue what was going on. She doesn't like it (she doesn't like the music that they dance too, plus I don't think it's "pretty" enough for her taste) and we've had the discussion about her quitting now that we're between the two sessions (fall and spring). Unfortunately, the deadline for withdrawing was early in December, but apparently my husband told her, when she brought up quitting, that we'd "talk about it over the Christmas break." I think that the worst that would happen, financially, if she quit at this point is that I'd have to pay for the rest of her recital costume, which has already been ordered. But at the same time, there are only 2 other kids in that class and I feel like Tory quitting would leave them, and the teacher, high and dry. And she still wants to go to that dance camp this summer, so the reason for her taking the class hasn't changed. When I went to the "parent observation" day at the end of the semester, she really looked miserable. I'm totally torn between what I feel is the "right" thing for her to do (stick it out for the rest of the year) and the desire to have her not be going to a class that she dreads every week, especially since she's still taking ballet and modern and acting as "teacher's aide" to two preschool-aged dance classes. So obviously, I have no answers. Only questions. If/when the day comes when Kathy says she wants to quit gymnastics, I'm not sure what I will do. She loves it so much that it's hard to imagine, but she's only 9 and hasn't entered the wonderful world of the teenager yet.

 

[gymjoy]

Interesting thread. A lot of differing yet good advice.

For me it does come down to personalities - mine, my dd and my dh.

Dd has been on the verge of quitting before, but seemed so distraught by the idea that I was reluctant to let her quit. We had long talks about gym, her feelings, her goals, her future. Turned out she had some frustrations that she did not know how to handle,and was afraid of bringing to us, her parent, or her coaches because she did not want to look like a failure. (though a quitter was okay)

Each individual situation is unique. I do tend to bristle when parents say they will let their child quit something whenever they want to quit. To me, not only is that probably not true, but I don't think it helps the child learn about responsibility, hard-work, patience, or many other needed virtues. However, I think most of us will know, in our guts, when our children are really ready to move on from any activity - gym, soccer, piano, whatever.

Best of luck to all in 2011...

 

[lilgymmie7]

My older DD never ever voiced that she wanted to quit. Yet little by little she stopped doing even the moves that came easily to her. If I hadn't pulled her myself, she may have gone on and self-destructed. This is exactly where I have gathered my people pleasing mentality that some kids have. DD thought she was nothing if she didn't do gym. I for sure never outwardly gave her that idea, but I did consistently tell her what a beautiful gymnast she was. Perhaps that is inpart where she got that idea about herself. She still defines herself as a gymnast on her FB. When kids voice that they want to quit, we as parents need to listen. Like I posted earlier about DS, some kids say it out of anger and have to be redirected. If a kid says they want to quit, yet talk about their sport and what they do constantly, and I do mean constantly in reference to DS, then they need to learn to find better ways to handle their frustration. Yet like my older DD who was so stressed and sent out very quiet signals that she was done, we need to be mindful of their well being.

 

[Bella's Mom]

I do tend to bristle when parents say they will let their child quit something whenever they want to quit. To me, not only is that probably not true, but I don't think it helps the child learn about responsibility, hard-work, patience, or many other needed virtues. However, I think most of us will know, in our guts, when our children are really ready to move on from any activity - gym, soccer, piano, whatever.

Best of luck to all in 2011...

I am very guilty of saying this very thing all over this board. And you're right. It isn't what I truly mean. I'm not purposely lying, just not communicating clearly. I wouldn't let my daughter quit at any time. Yesterday she wanted to quit because HC put some limits on what bar stuff she can do at home. Last week she wanted to quit because she couldn't climb to the top of the rope twice, only once.

She has never expressed a serious desire to quit but I am really benefitting from hearing so many points of view.

 

[gymdog]

My older DD never ever voiced that she wanted to quit. Yet little by little she stopped doing even the moves that came easily to her. If I hadn't pulled her myself, she may have gone on and self-destructed. This is exactly where I have gathered my people pleasing mentality that some kids have. DD thought she was nothing if she didn't do gym. I for sure never outwardly gave her that idea, but I did consistently tell her what a beautiful gymnast she was. Perhaps that is inpart where she got that idea about herself. She still defines herself as a gymnast on her FB. When kids voice that they want to quit, we as parents need to listen. Like I posted earlier about DS, some kids say it out of anger and have to be redirected. If a kid says they want to quit, yet talk about their sport and what they do constantly, and I do mean constantly in reference to DS, then they need to learn to find better ways to handle their frustration. Yet like my older DD who was so stressed and sent out very quiet signals that she was done, we need to be mindful of their well being.

This is very perceptive. I don't ever remember feeling a desire to quit gymnastics (nor do I think I needed to, for the most part). I have a friend who was very much like you describe (although if I recall by the time she was a teenager she openly wanted to quit). She was pushed to stay in it. I don't really know how to say it but she had terrible problems. I can't say it's the result of any one thing but when you remove so much control from a person even by implication I can't imagine it would exacerbate certain control related behaviors.

Of course there are not serious desires to quit but usually those are pretty easy to figure out, especially because usually if push comes to shove within a couple days there will be a "no, I don't REALLY want to never go again" type revelation. I think if a kid truly wants to walk out the door and does despite the best efforts of the parents and coach to address certain problems, then either their heart isn't in it or their current program can't meet their needs in which case I wouldn't make them stay anyway. On the other side I also think it is wrong to unilaterally say that athletes "need to quit on a high note" and your post demonstrates why. At some point some girls just aren't ever going to have another "high note" in their current situation. I'd say in my experience that's far more common than randomly quitting after a great season or something.

On a side note, as a coach, I try to address whatever problems I see ASAP so I can tell when this issue comes up how long problems have been going on, what's the best thing. If a kid looks unhappy I want to address it quickly because number 1: I don't want them to be unhappy, because I know it's terrible to dread coming somewhere all day and 2: then I can follow from the root of the situation to my best knowledge. I have had some kids in lower levels for whom I think it was better to move on - they weren't progressing and didn't love it and probably could have better devoted their time to other activities. Once they reach a certain skill level then I tend to feel a little differently, because it usually isn't a situation where they just aren't physically good enough or don't have the determination for the higher levels of gymnastics.

 

[lilgymmie7]

This is very perceptive. I don't ever remember feeling a desire to quit gymnastics (nor do I think I needed to, for the most part). I have a friend who was very much like you describe (although if I recall by the time she was a teenager she openly wanted to quit). She was pushed to stay in it. I don't really know how to say it but she had terrible problems. I can't say it's the result of any one thing but when you remove so much control from a person even by implication I can't imagine it would exacerbate certain control related behaviors.

Of course there are not serious desires to quit but usually those are pretty easy to figure out, especially because usually if push comes to shove within a couple days there will be a "no, I don't REALLY want to never go again" type revelation. I think if a kid truly wants to walk out the door and does despite the best efforts of the parents and coach to address certain problems, then either their heart isn't in it or their current program can't meet their needs in which case I wouldn't make them stay anyway. On the other side I also think it is wrong to unilaterally say that athletes "need to quit on a high note" and your post demonstrates why. At some point some girls just aren't ever going to have another "high note" in their current situation. I'd say in my experience that's far more common than randomly quitting after a great season or something.

On a side note, as a coach, I try to address whatever problems I see ASAP so I can tell when this issue comes up how long problems have been going on, what's the best thing. If a kid looks unhappy I want to address it quickly because number 1: I don't want them to be unhappy, because I know it's terrible to dread coming somewhere all day and 2: then I can follow from the root of the situation to my best knowledge. I have had some kids in lower levels for whom I think it was better to move on - they weren't progressing and didn't love it and probably could have better devoted their time to other activities. Once they reach a certain skill level then I tend to feel a little differently, because it usually isn't a situation where they just aren't physically good enough or don't have the determination for the higher levels of gymnastics.

I wish older DD could have found you as her coach Gymdog. At the end, DD had a wonderful coach, but unfortunately she was also coached by another who liked to 'bark' orders at the girls. If the 'barking' coach wasn't around, she was relatively okay. But in her fragile state, even the kind heartedness of her one coach was not enough to ward of her feelings of inadequacy. Pulling her from a sport that she still says she loves now was the only way to help her re-find (for the sake of a better word) her sanity. Parenting is tough. To this day, I don't know if I did the right thing. I do see her much happier and she is her little sister's biggest supporter, so part of me thinks I did. However, there are "what ifs" especially I think for her. I have talked to her and emphasized that with passion all can be achieved. She does do more with passion in her back pocket. She is a senior in HS, and I can't wait to see what she does in this new chapter of her life. A senior, I can hardly believe it! I always tell her that she will always be my sweet little girl!

 

[tumblerK]

My situation was rather unique I guess. From day 1 of my gymnastics my parents were not that involved. They were supportive, but not involved. I was 10 years old and was begging to do gymnastics they told me to do some research. Gym #1 was too expensive, and there was a transportation issue. So I went to gym #2, on the city bus with Grandma. Five months later I was taking the bus by myself. My parents picked me up from practice. When I was invited to join the level 4 team they asked if I wanted to keep going, or if just by getting on the team I had achieved my goals. (Not!) Gymnastics was my thing and they let me do it. Even when I came home everyday and ate my dinner with my legs submerged up to the knee in ice water and had to wear shin supports everyday even just while walking around school the left it up to me.

And I never wanted to quit. I was there because I wanted to be there. I wouldn't have put the effort into packing everything up and walking 4 blocks to the bus stop id I didn't. And when I was finishing HS I decided that I still didn't want to quit, I wanted to finish.

 

[bookworm]

Here's the thing: all those adults who say they wish their parents hadn't let them quit don't actually know what would have happened if they stuck with it. But in my experience, ANY kid who wants to quit and is not allowed to will quickly come to hate the sport (or whatever else they may be doing) and all progress will cease.

If a kid wants to quit, it's best to let them. If they are forced to continue when they don't want to, it turns the sport into a chore. They'll only continue to hate it more and more.

And sometimes once a kid is out of the gym for a month or two, they come to miss it and decide they want to return to the sport.

I'm not a parent, so I can only speak from observation: when kids don't want to do gymnastics any more, it doesn't matter if their parents continue bringing them to gym -- they won't get much better and they won't get much benefit from the sport.

This basically says it all in a nutshell...well said Geoffrey.