Women Should I bring it up, or forget it??

[munchkin3]

So DD had a meet this weekend, and something happened that made me want to talk to the coach. I try my best to not get involved with this sort of thing, and I am very big on letting the coach do what he needs to .......(even though my DD is the most precious child in the world)
DD fell on an event. It happened to be HC event, and he had been drilling this stuff all week. During the competition, As she kept falling during the warm up, coach began really criticizing my DD and basically told her she was screwing it all up......no surprise, my DD saluted, began, then fell......she later said with tears, it wasn't that she fell, it was 'what' he said.............

Meet season is rough work for these girls, they bust their butts and the coaches can get pretty demanding and sometimes downright mean.....I don't get worked up about this part and DD really has been handling the pressure very well..........what does upset me is that DURING a meet I feel the coach should be encouraging and should try and believe in his girls.......not take the wind from her sail DURING the meet, and notify her how much she is sucking and that she is in the process of messing it all up.......

Should I mention this? Again, I don't want to commit gymnastics-parent suicide, but I feel my 11 year old deserves a bit more respect.

 

[Midwestmommy]

If he is too dumb to know this doesn't work to improve performance at meets for 80 percent plus of children he is coaching... Well frankly your telling him is highly unlikely to make him any less dumb in this regard. The only thing you can control is what you say to your kid. I'm sure some will disagree, but if it was me I would tell her I disagree with this particular behavior of his, and the next time during a meet if he does this to nod politely and do her best to tune him out while not making it obvious.

 

[munchkin3]

Yes, I do not want to undermine him and certainly have let it go with her.....I told her to shake it off and focus on the next event, which she did beautifully.
Perhaps if I take a more proactive approach and ask the gym if they are thinking of using a gym counselor, or therapy to strengthen the team and improve their competitive edge?
But this does leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, and I want to do right by my child.

 

[LizzieLac]

DD fell on an event. It happened to be HC event, and he had been drilling this stuff all week. During the competition, As she kept falling during the warm up, coach began really criticizing my DD and basically told her she was screwing it all up......no surprise, my DD saluted, began, then fell......she later said with tears, it wasn't that she fell, it was 'what' he said.............

Meet season is rough work for these girls, they bust their butts and the coaches can get pretty demanding and sometimes downright mean.....

I guess it depends on if this is a regular occurrence. How do you know what he said on the competition floor? Has he been like this at competitions before? If he has and you are sure of what he said, then there are issues here. However, if this has happened before, I don't think you saying anything will suddenly enlighten him.

I also noted you said "sometimes downright mean." That also concerns me, but again, I don't see these kinds of people being able to change. What do you think of the coaching and dynamic with the gymnasts outside of this incident?

 

[meganliz77]

Well I am going to count my lucky stars that DD's coaches are tough, but super supportive, caring, and encouraging.

As a parent, I would find this type of coaching not okay. This sport is mental enough without a coach adding their negativity to the situation, which probably only fosters negative self talk, pressure, and nerves in a kiddo. Especially in a meet situation. The fact she was struggling in warm ups probably rattled her enough - I'm guessing she didn't need to be told she was a screw up. Not okay in my book.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

This has happened to my dd before. Also during warm up (on vault). It really did upset her but she was able to shake it off and she did pretty well. Some coaches are tougher than others and my dd doesn't let a lot get to her. B/c we do respect her coach and think that her coach is doing an excellent job with dd and her teammates and b/c we love our gym and don't wish to make waves, we let it go. However, if it was an ongoing thing, I would have to speak up and say something. Sooooo I would probably let it go in your case but if it happened again, then I would feel like I had to say something.

I agree with you, that a meet is not the best time to be super critical. A coach should give the necessary corrections during the warm up, and then let it go, b/c it's already a high pressure situation and encouragement will go a long way in a situation like the before intense criticism.

 

[munchkin3]

Well, we are relatively new with this coach. He is tough. But my DD really likes him a lot. He is very big on the ' toughen them up' mentality.
I know he said what he said because a few other kids heard too.
Regardless, she placed on everything and still got her AA score up from the last meet.....so not bad at all for a very hard meet.

Maybe I will just ask him to his face, hey, what did you tell her? And see what he says.

 

[AgingHippie]

I tend to let this stuff go unless I see a pattern happening.

Our current coach does not appear to be nice to the kids at all. We have had a few leave practice crying more times then I can count. We have also had a few parents from other teams that are sitting close to the place our kids are on the competition floor mention to us that she is nasty to our kids at competition.

When I ask my DD about it she says it's just the way she comes off and she either wasn't being mean at all or she was just in a bad mood that day. DD loves this coach so she may be willing to put up with some crap without complaining because of that.

It does leave me feeling anxious at times though so I think your plan to ask him directly is the best way to handle it. Let us know how it goes.

 

[munchkin3]

Turns out I wasn't the only one with this little problem. By the time I picked up yesterday, a friend told me that the gym owner had already mentioned something to the coaching staff about their meet etiquette and proper message to the child athletes.....I realize that the coaches can make mistakes or succumb to meet stress. (I'm not excusing the behaviour)
We will see how this play out over the next few weeks......

 

[AgingHippie]

So glad it worked out this way for you. That was the best case scenario.

 

[LizzieLac]

That's great to hear!

 

[LizzieLac]

That's great to hear!

 

[kitkat]

I'm sure I am a coaches nightmare parent.... I would have brought it up. (In a very professional, non condescending way)

A couple of years ago we were at gymnix and all the girls were behind the parents.
We could over hear the girls talking. Someone would fall and they would say "oh look they are getting a look of disappointment. Oh she fell twice, she is getting a high five but really not meaning it. One girl fell three times and she got what they described as a pity hug". I thought to myself - this is horrible these kids are noticing stuff like this - the coaches need to be more aware of how they react when the kids don't perform well. Its not like they mean to go in there and mess up. The person they don't want to disappoint the most is their coach.

So I let it go. I was having a regular 1/4ly meeting with the coaches - and one of her coaches said. "You make your daughter really nervous when your don't watch her compete." (This was a couple of years ago - I would actually leave the gym and then come back in). I said "fair enough". If she can compete it then I should be able to watch it.

So I said to him. Lets make a deal. I will watch her compete - if you are more careful with your body language when she falls or doesn't do something well. I said you know she watched the video after and can see everything you do.
He said fair enough. And from that point on. I watched and he didn't show any signs of disappointment.
So it was a win win.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

First off...I do not condone abuse. I would definitely watch for a pattern, and say something if this coach winds up being a true jerk. That being said, if I had a dollar for every time I've had to talk with Kipper about something a coach said, I wouldn't have to worry about gym tuition! To a certain extent, I think our kids, especially at tween ages and older, need to be told "That isn't good enough. You need to work harder". If you fail to perform at your best, it's okay for the coach to point that out, even during warm ups at a meet. This gives the child a chance to make corrections before they compete. Parents should always praise the effort and show unconditional support regardless of outcome. However, coaches serve a different purpose. I have made sure Kipper knows it's my job to tell her she is wonderful, It's her coaches job to help her be the best gymnast she can be. So, when a comment seems harsh, or hurtful. she has a way to process it. Again, I'm not saying that your coach's comments were okay, just that it's not likely to be the last time your dd gets upset over something a coach says. Give her some ammo.

 

[gymmomtoo]

And I've also learned to take what my dd says with a grain of salt. Not saying this is true all the time, but there were times when she's be crying about how mean the coach was to her and I find from someone else (usually her older sister, who coached rec there) that the coach was just correcting her--no tone or anything. She was just being a teen/pre-teen. Nice to know I wasn't the only one accused unfairly of yelling at her when I was just correcting ;-). (again--I know there are cases where the coach really IS out of line, but it's also possible that sometimes they're doing what any good coach would).

 

[munchkin3]

Thanks everyone!!!
I am not the type of parent that engages every complaint about the coaches, or run to DD when shes crying.......do I Listen? yes....Carry on? no
and I usually look at it from an adult perpective (ie. what the coach really said vs. what my DD heard!) This coach is NOT a jerk in general. He has high expectations and wants them to win. But I will keep an eye out for this going forward. If he wants the kids to give him 100%, then he has to as well.....

But during an actual meet, i do not feel this is the time for negative comments directed at a single kid.....Not to mention, the comment would have made me give the coach the finger and leave for the day.....

 

[AgingHippie]

The finger comment made me laugh....I would be right there with you.