Totally unsupportive spouse

[aerialriver]

I know this is odd as it is about me an adult doing gymnastics but I wanted to hear from the parents or other adult gymnasts if they have a spouse/SO like this.

Basically long story short I started doing rec. T&T I quickly outgrew the class and was asked if I wanted to join the team and compete. I was stoked! My husband though it was neat when I did rec. but when I starting competing he totally changed. My doing T&T takes nothing away from us, although he told me about a year ago that it took time away from us so I modified my workout schedule to only go when he was working, but we also did not do anything when he was off. Other than that it does nothing to him. It makes me happy, keeps me fit, and helps my self esteem issues which improves my self esteem and confidence in all other areas of my life.

But he hates it to the point where he is childish about about it. I can't utter the dreaded "G" word (gymnastics) around him, can't talk about practice and he never asks, can't tell him about new skills. And last night I had a video of me doing a double back an 8 second video I asked if he wanted to see and he must have thought it was something else as he came over but when he realized it was me he said "Nah, I'm going to go find something to eat." It just makes me feel so awful. I have talked to him about it and he says it is like forcing me to like Star Trek, the thing is I do watch Star Trek with him because he likes it and I care about doing things with him he likes. I thought that is how relationships were supposed to be.

Anyways sorry for the long winded speech basically I want to know if anyone else has this issue with their spouse/SO about their child or themselves doing gym or anything else and what do you do about it? I just feel really upset right now and am starting to wonder if he acts like this about this issue what other things is he going to act like this about? We have no plans to have kids but what if we did is he going to treat them like this with their interests? Is it at all normal? Thanks for any input!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

what?....is he 13? tell him to grow a pair.

 

[Bella's Mom]

I'm divorced so I am totally unqualifed to give anyone marital advice....LOL. But I did want to say that I'm sorry you don't have a support system at home. I wonder if you husband finds your confidence and the self esteem you acquire from doing gym to be threatening to him someway?

But his reaction to the video was at the very least rude even if it isn't indicative of a deeper problem. I mean, would he respond that same way to a stranger? I don't mean to preach but one thing that makes me very sad is when people treat total strangers with more courtesy than their family.

 

[gym_mom]

Going to be completely blunt here: he sounds like a selfish jerk who is on the road to becoming abusive.
Link Removed

 

[Coach.Simon]

Like dunno said, tell your husband to man up - he's not a high school girl (no offense to you young ladies in high school reading this). Relationships are give and take; not one person gives and if the other person doesn't want to give they throw a fit and put up walls in a futile attempt to make their partner read their mind.

If he has a problem with you doing gymnastics (which he clearly does) he needs to state it flat out and honestly - otherwise its just going to be a long cycle of you extending your hand and him sniping you down.

 

[txgymfan]

It sounds like a bigger problem than gymnastics. I suggest you seek counseling that could help you communicate better. Personally I am so impressed that you can do a double anything. I'll watch the video if he won't. If I could find an exercise that I enjoyed, let me be competitive, strong, flexible and look good in a leo I'd go for it.

One more suggestion, give him a backrub and show him how strong your hands are from gripping the bar. After that you may demonstrate howmuch fun your strength and flexibility can be.

 

[gymmomntc2e6]

hubby hates gymnastics. hasays he hates the time it takes DD away from home (she practices 12 hours a week) and myself as weel. At first whenshe moved up he didn't want her there w/o me (she has Asthma & also had stomach issues for a while, felt better if one of us was there and he wasn't going to sit there for 3 hours) now I teach preschool 2-3 nights and sometimes help with team ( started this 2 years ago &hewasn't working. it was that or quit as it covered her tuition. Anyway, when she is home she is off running around or he is doing something, so not really hanging together anyway so I am not sure what the problem is. Hme comes in at the lastminute for meets & can hardly tolerate sitting through the whole thing. He enjoys cheering for and watching her & is very proud of her, just no interest in learning anything about it so asks me all kinds of questions when her score is lower than he thinks it shoukd be.

 

[mndl]

Seems like he has serious problems with you having an activity you enjoy on your own, and that is very unsettling. I agree with the others, he is acting very childish and selfish. I think you need to have another loooooong talk with him about his behavoir and figure out what's really going on, cause right now it is unacceptable.

 

[CreateMagic]

I almost responded to this earlier, but I thought my "wow, that seems to be a bigger problem than just not liking gymnastics" reaction may have been off. I'm apparently not the only one who feels this way though. I second txgymfan's suggestion of a counselor. I wonder why your husband has such a strong reaction to this??

 

[Aussie_coach]

A partner can be jealous of a sport just the way they might be of a person you are spending a lot of time with. When you joined the team, you number of hours probably increased. Even if he is not around while you are training he probably still sees it as a thing you are spending too much time with. Don't allow it to deter you, you should be so proud of what you are doing. Find some friends who are supportive and use them as your means for talking about the sport.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

It sounds like a bigger problem than gymnastics. I suggest you seek counseling that could help you communicate better. Personally I am so impressed that you can do a double anything. I'll watch the video if he won't. If I could find an exercise that I enjoyed, let me be competitive, strong, flexible and look good in a leo I'd go for it.

One more suggestion, give him a backrub and show him how strong your hands are from gripping the bar. After that you may demonstrate howmuch fun your strength and flexibility can be.

"show him how strong your hands are from gripping the bar", and when you work your way up his back then grip them around his neck and show him how a kip is done...

 

[aerialriver]

Dunno, you brought a smile to my face! Yes the issues are bigger than just gym. I am in a scary and lonely position right now. I can't and don't want to go fully into it on a public message board. Therapy is out though, he just won't do it. I wish I had the magic wand but I don't and sadly gymnastics is the only thing that keeps me sane right now. :worried:

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

Dunno, you brought a smile to my face! Yes the issues are bigger than just gym. I am in a scary and lonely position right now. I can't and don't want to go fully into it on a public message board. Therapy is out though, he just won't do it. I wish I had the magic wand but I don't and sadly gymnastics is the only thing that keeps me sane right now. :worried:

Whatever you do, do not lose yourself! (((HUGS))) Keep us posted!! I am now kindof worried for you! If you were the friend of someone going through this same situation what advise would you give them? Now do that yourself!!

 

[gymdog]

Dunno, you brought a smile to my face! Yes the issues are bigger than just gym. I am in a scary and lonely position right now. I can't and don't want to go fully into it on a public message board. Therapy is out though, he just won't do it. I wish I had the magic wand but I don't and sadly gymnastics is the only thing that keeps me sane right now. :worried:

If he won't go, I would strongly suggest you go by yourself anyway. It will at least give you someone to talk to, which might make things clearer. Of course it would be best if he would agree to go, but that would be the next best thing. Good luck.

 

[CoachGoofy]

Sounds like the issue with gym is more a sign of general issues. You have my sympathies and support, if you want them.

And the obnoxious feminist in me says that you shouldn't need to 'justify' or whatever your love of gym with how it could benefit him (strength & flexibility). T&T is part of you for YOU, not bc of what it can do for him. Does that make sense?

Other than that, I've got nuthin'. Best wishes.

 

[cher062]

I'm with everyone else here the issue isn't gymnastics its control. He wants it and you have to decide if you want to give him that control over you. If you love doing it then do it - really it doesn't matter what he thinks - does he ask your permission to do thing he loves to do?

couples need things they do without eachother too - it can't always be together thats how we can grow and bring new things to a relationship.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

I'm with everyone else here the issue isn't gymnastics its control. He wants it and you have to decide if you want to give him that control over you. If you love doing it then do it - really it doesn't matter what he thinks - does he ask your permission to do thing he loves to do?

couples need things they do without eachother too - it can't always be together thats how we can grow and bring new things to a relationship.

wow! you took the words right out of my mind!

 

[kimskids]

It is sad that your hubby is not more supportive of your hobby. My hubby is not as supportive of my daughters gymnastics as I had hoped he would be and it really bothers me. Most of her meets have been within an hours drive and he has only been to one of them each season. One of them he did not even stay for awards! The one he did stay the whole time my daughter had her best meet ever placing first on bars, beam, vault, aa, and second on floor. She was so excited to have her dad there and he was proud of her! For the most part though he is just not interested in the sport. The only thing he likes to talk about concerning gymnastics is how it costs too much which bugs me because I am the the one who pays for it! LOL!

 

[aerialriver]

It is way far beyond just gym. I talked to him today he hates gym because I won't just not go to practice to do things that could be done earlier in the day with him. I am sorry I am a planner I figure if you want to go on a nature hike we could go at 10 a.m. and I could still go to afternoon practice. But he told me he is not and he basically wants me to stay home all day just incase he wants to do something which is next to never anyways. I am not willing to do that.

He has becoming increasingly controlling over every aspect of my life and now is trying to force me into taking a job where he works, probably to keep an eye on me. He also told me if I blow the interview for this job he will find out. I have another interview at a seperate place and hope that pans out. Money for gym is no issues as I work it off but other that that I am unemployed because he told me I need to make X amount of money or I should not take the job. He made me quit coaching because they didn't pay enough even though I thought $8 an hour was better than $0 an hour!

He has over taken my life. I am completely depressed and have no friends or family that can help. At this point gymnastics is all I have to keep me sane. When I think of my life without it with him no having other options I think of bad alternatives. I am sorry to ramble feel free to remove if my post if it is not okay. I am just so lost.

P.S. I did take the controlling relationship quiz that someone posted and the score was off the charts. I am so scared and alone and don't know what to do. He isn't physical so no one can help me.

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation, be strong, emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. I think you should see a counsellor/someone who will listen and start building a support network of family and friends.