Parents Trying to let my dd handle the mean girls

[GymBeeMom]

My daughter trains in a high-level group of little girls (ages 8-10). They are competitive and talented children. My dd is 8 and holds her own but definitely is a half step behind the older girls (though ahead of where they were at the same age). I talked to the coach a while ago about one girl who is the ringleader of being mean to my dd. Of course this child doesn't do it in front of the coach. Coach tried to handle it and now this child is getting sneaky with things like "I am not trying to be mean but...." My dd is sick of it and asked me to talk to the coach again. There is a pattern here...as soon as dd gets new skills or creeps up on the other girls in her abilities, the mean stuff starts up again. I am trying to teach my dd to handle these situations herself and not let the other girls bring her down. I don't know if telling the coach again will make me seem over-protective and whiny or if I should intervene. It's hard to see my daughter treated like an outsider in her own training group but I also feel like there will always be some girl that wants to see her fail. I understand the importance of her learning to deal with these things on her own. I am venting, but would love to hear your experiences with similar situations. Is this just the nature of competitive gymnastics? Do the coaches really even want to deal with these situations? My dd is not the type to throw back negativity and she just doesn't understand why they cant be encouraging (like she tries to be for them). Uggggg, I guess its time to toughen her skin.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

she does have to have tough skin. BUT, the coach has to be made aware so he/she can right the ship. and unfortunately, it is the nature of youth sports. gymnastics is not immune. get her some treats for after practice minus 1... works wonders.

 

[momnipotent]

This seems to be a common theme among girls (I was just reading a similar thread on another board about another mom having the same issue with her dd's jr. high volleyball team.) I would talk to the coach again because your dd asked you to, but maybe instead of asking him to watch the girls, ask if he has any ideas to help your dd manage this situation on her own. He might have some great suggestions, but if not, at least he is aware that there is still a problem. (((HUGS))) mama, I hate these kinds of things.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

and don't forget to tell her to say something like "oh...i'm so sorry...i wasn't thinking of your feelings when i got the treats" after she hands them out to everyone else but that girl. something snarky, but polite. it will work. have done it before. and it's simple with a simple message.

 

[iwannacoach]

I'm thinking about a "sneaky" adult countermeasure. See if the coach can assign the entire group a bit of home work. Let's say a short essay, written anonymously on teamwork, but add the twist of asking for suggestions about how to build team spirit.

Some of these kids will look at this as an opportunity to vent (annonymously) about the "mean streak" running through the team. It's also possible the "instigator" may reveal a bit more her true colors. It may be a shot in the dark, but with the way some of us try to avoid this sort of issue.......

I spent about 15,000 words with one chalkbucket parent who's children had been involved in gymnastics, but switched to a new sport, and excelled beyond any reasonable dream. There was a culture of peer to peer harassment in the new group that went undetected, ending up with some of the kids leaving the sport, and one child who turned to self destructive behavior in a plea for help.

She left me with the impression that her first response was to let the kids work it out between themselves, with a backup of letting the behavior roll off their backs....you know, hard on the outside, soft on the inside.....

My advice to her was to have a meeting with all the parents, explain that her children felt there was an internal struggle taking place with-in the team (blameless, but the kids need our help), and that the parents as a group should figure out a way to prevent this wastefull use of energy. I'd suggest the same course to you, because these kids, after all, were just like those in the sport of gymnastics....lot's of work, money, and sacrifice to pursue dreams....dreams that will never come from jousting one foe while in a sword fight against another.

My feeling is that the H/C has as much to gain as anyone in this whole mess. When the kids stop using the mental energy to marginalize a team mate, they will have more mental and physical energy to focus on training, and what coach doesn't want more, more, more....of good things like that.

 

[emorymom]

Could you get her to yell in a stage voice, "WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. DID YOU SAY YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MEAN BUT MY XXX IS NO GOOD? OK GOT IT" any time it starts up?

Yeah, I would tell the coach.

 

[gymmomof1]

Wonderful and different advice from above posters in teaching kids how to work this out. Def a life lesson as this happens in the work place too lol. Hope it helps your dd Gymbeemom

 

[wallinbl]

Being the youngest is hard because the older ones are threatened by it. I think the only viable solution here is to get the older girls to stop seeing the youngest as a threat. As long as they feel threatened, they're going to do something, whether bullying or other things.

 

[GymBeeMom]

How do I do this???

Being the youngest is hard because the older ones are threatened by it. I think the only viable solution here is to get the older girls to stop seeing the youngest as a threat. As long as they feel threatened, they're going to do something, whether bullying or other things.

I am loving the suggestions. I shared emorymom's advice with my dd and she liked that one a lot!!! Thanks for listening to the vent. This problem has reared its ugly head with the same little group over and over. We thought it was solved but alas, here we are again. I will listen to any advice you guys have to give! Dunno, do you have a slightly evil streak???? I tend to enjoy the way you think!

 

[ZZMom]

Gymnastics is the ultimate team sport! As an individual sport, each child must compete against their friends but must also learn to be a good and supportive teammate. This is no easy challenge. I've always thought that any child that can learn to be a good teammate as a gymnast has learned the secret of working with others that should last a life time.

I think that handling this behavior is the coaches resposibility. Definitely! But, since I don't know this coach, I have no idea if they know how critical their responsibility is for creating a positive team environment while allowing for the natural competition that is a part of gymnastics. So, I agree with momnipotent that you should talk to the coach about how your daughter should learn to handle the intra-team competition. Your daughter can only handle her own response to the situation and you can't be sure that the coach sees things her way so ...

Hugs to your daughter for how this is making her feel! But, this is an opportunity for her to learn to empathize with how the other girls feel. It sounds like they rightly feel that your daughter is "catching up with them" and she can have no idea how much pressure they may be under from their various crazy gym parents.

Been there - done that!

ZZMom and Mom to E who went through it all.

 

[Kiwi]

Is she the only one being picked on? Are there other girls in the group that she gets on with? It can really help to have allies in this kind of situation.

I agree that the coach needs to know, and the behaviour needs to be stopped. Until then it might also help if you can talk with your DD about some strategies for her to use when it does happen. My DD was upset by some mean comments and I talked to her about how this said more about that girl than her, and was she going to give that girl's opinions any importance, etc. and that helped her a lot. Perhaps there are some cutting replies she could use to put this girl in her place!

 

[Flossyduck]

It's a really tough one and I feel for you. My daughter, who just turned 8 last week, has had the odd problem on and off with mean behaviour and it has almost always come from one of the slightly older girls.
I've just been hearing from one of the mums that the group two years ahead has big problems with the girls being catty to one another at the moment.

My personal observation is that the behaviour starts to kick in somewhere between 8 and 9 years old for some reason (obviously some girls mature earlier or may have a different peer group influence at school). Before that they just seem excited to be doing gym along side other girls. The other obvious thing, is that when there's a competition coming up it escalates.

So I guess there's an age when they start to feel the pressure and understand the implications of being behind and also understand that they are competing against team mates as well as with them. That's a lot for a young girl to process maturely, especially if her own confidence is low.

I'm not sure you can stop it, but I think just supporting your daughter with her own self belief and encouraging her just to be nice to everyone and ignore any bad stuff. And I personally would give the treats to everyone, not to lower to their level, but make it harder to dislike your daughter instead.

 

[profmom]

Not in my DD's practice group, so this is second hand -- but be aware it can work the other way as well. One girl who was training for either L6 or L7 (can't remember which) as a ten year old was having some trouble with a couple of the younger girls who were giving her a hard time for moving "so slowly." Thank goodness her group, which goes from 9 to almost 12, doesn't seem to be into this kind of crap!

Definitely a good idea to keep an eye on this and bring it to the coaches' attention as a problem for the team, not your DD.

 

[GymBeeMom]

Thanks everyone, this helps.

 

[SignHere]

One book that I love is "Queen Bees and Wannabees". There is a def culture amongst young girls and this sort of behavior is one they will face again and again. The book addresses how to deal with it as a parent .

The movie "Mean Girls" is loosely based on the book. This sort of mean girl behavior is bullying, plain and simple, and while your dd does need to stand up for herself - PLEASE don't encourage her to be mean back .

I hope Dunno was joking. If not, it's prob one of the few times he's given REALLY bad advice, and he deserves a flogging with a wet noodle!

 

[mommyof1]

One book that I love is "Queen Bees and Wannabees". There is a def culture amongst young girls and this sort of behavior is one they will face again and again. The book addresses how to deal with it as a parent .

I also found "Little Girls Can Be Mean," by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert, helpful when there were mean girl issues in my daughter's kindergarten (!) class. It focuses on girls aged 12 and under.

 

[gymstaryaya]

I've experienced the same problem with my dd! She's 8 and the other girls are 12 and up in level 7. My advice to my dd was to stay focused on her goal, that she is there to accomplish that goal! I spoke to the coach about it and she did address the whole team, including the level 5 and 6s, because she is the youngest on the team period. The great thing about my dd is, she doesn't keep the animosity with her. She moves on and even still tries to be nice to them!