WAG When is it time for a gymnast to walk away?

[kris]

My 12-year old daughter left a gym last year that wasn't a good fit. She went to a new gym that she loves, but she's frustrated and says she says she wishes she could just go to practice and never compete again. The main source of her frustration is that she is repeating a level and her scores have actually gone down this year. As a bit of background, she grew 5" since her last birthday, was out from October into January with a growth related injury, and just as things were finally going well came down with a bad flu that kept her in bed with a high fever for a week. The adults around her -- parents and coaches -- understand, but she just says that we can't use the growth, injuries, and illness as an excuse and that she's never going to be good again. Unless things come back together in a dramatic way in the next two weeks her season will be done at states. She wants to walk away at that point. Part of me is so ready for her to be done, but another part feels like she would miss the sport she grew up with and not having the pressure to compete and to just spend some time getting used to her new size is exactly what she needs. Would it be better to just encourage her walk away, or should I encourage her to continue through the summer since she loves practice still and see how she feels at that point? I'm so torn, and am hoping someone has gone through a season like this. TIA!

 

[gymisforeveryone]

This sounds pretty normal. Gymnasts struggle when they start their growth spurts and it is the time that many of them leave the sport. The struggle is real and I wish there was s magic wand that made everything easy again, just like it was when they were little, fearless, tireless and full of energy without worries about their school friends, boys, their body and all that. It's not easy at all. At this point I as a coach try to remind the gymnast and her family about the reason they are doing this sport. Most are there to learn life lessons about team work, self-discipline, winning, losing, friendships, hard work and how it pays off in the end. Most of them are not there to win as many medals as possible or to get a scholarship or to go to the Olympics.

I've heard from many retired gymnasts that they wished they considered the decision about quitting a little longer, especially if they quit at that particular point (at 12, 13 or 14) of their lives when they changed schools and the puberty started.

Is there any other group she could practice in, like Xcel-team or something? That could be a nice less-pressure option for her.

I wish you the best. I'm sure you will make a right decision with her.

 

[kris]

Thank you! It makes me sad to know that it won't ever get easier for her again as she adjusts to her new size like I had hoped, but it does make the decision a whole lot easier. There is a gym around here that has an Xcel team. I'll look into that and see if they have anyone else around her level. Thanks again! I really appreciate hearing a coach's perspective as I'm sure you've seen this a lot before!

 

[Deleted member 17723]

I've gone through something similar - had injuries, poor skills, struggled. I wanted to quit, really bad. The best thing my coaches did were back off. The pressure went down, I missed a practice here and there to be a teenager, basically we just slowed down and made it a relaxed environment in an attempt to keep me in the sport. I eventually broke through the growing injuries and bad form - I was having more fun too. Now I'm still in the sport and I'm thriving. In other words - You know your daughter. Her coaches know her. But only SHE knows herself (really). If she isn't having fun - is it related too struggling? or wanting to spend more time with friends? Or does she just not enjoy it? If she doesn't like the pressure but still likes the sport (like you said, she wants to practice but not compete), are you sure it's just the pressure? It could be a fear of failure or lack of confidence in her performances. If it is a lack of confidence maybe look into xcel - it will be a little more laid back and she might be able to really thrive in xcel. If it is a matter of pressure (not wanting to compete at all), then maybe she will enjoy an advanced class or tumbling? Or maybe a sport like diving, track, dance, cheer, etc?

Gymnastics is a sport that forces gymnasts to adjust, constantly. Adjusting is just part of the sport, it's part of life too. Breaking through the adjustments is completely possible - but only if she really wants it. No champion is formed through muscle and talent - it's all in the heart. If she doesn't love it, then the drive won't be there to get better.

If she wants to leave the sport - it will be sad to see her leave (to you, her teammates, coaches, etc) but it will be wonderful to see her LOVING and THRIVING in something else. Whether it's another sport, an art, or anything else. Seeing your daughter happy and excited should make YOU happy. Gymnastics will always be part of your life. You can take a girl out of gymnastics but you can't take gymnastics out of girl. That might mean moving on. It's hard to leave a sport that took up so much of a life, but sometimes it's for the better.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I can feel your post so much right now. My DD is so discouraged and beaten down and I am *this* close to pushing her quit. She does come in last at every meet (hard not to, competing an average of two events per meet), but that's not what discourages her. She's really, truly, ok with that. It's how she's treated- by her coaches and her teammates, and feeling like she's been set up to fail that gets to her. I see the joy seeping away piece by piece. I am holding out for states and waiting to see if we get orders to move, but if we don't get orders, I don't know that I could let it continue a whole more year. It's a hard position to be in, as a parent. I have had SO many people ask me why I've allowed her to stay this long, but it's never black and white, is it? It's a little different for me, since I would be pulling her out of gym kicking and screaming, but I think your situation is just as hard. I agree that maybe switching to a lower pressure program might renew her passion. Good luck to you both!

 

[Aussie_coach]

Don't listen to anyone who says she will never be as good again. That is not nessesarily true. Many gymnasts have big growth spurts and move through it, readjust, build their strength up and become better gymnasts that they ever were before.

It's not actually a good time for her to make a desicion about her gymnastics future. Kids should be taught nit to make desicion a when they are feeling down or something bad has happened. Their desicion a will be clouded by the strong emotions they are feeling at the time. Desicion a that are made when they are feeling down are the ones that they are most likely to regret later.

Wait until she has had time to make some adjustments and improvements, perhaps over the summer when she is doing skill development rather than competing to thing about what she would really like to do.

Have her make a list of the things that gymnastics does for her in her life - fun, socialisation, fitness, strength, etc and make sure she has a plan for fulfilling all the needs gymnastics fills before walking away.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

The best thing my coaches did were back off. The pressure went down, I missed a practice here and there to be a teenager, basically we just slowed down and made it a relaxed environment in an attempt to keep me in the sport. I eventually broke through the growing injuries and bad form - I was having more fun too. Now I'm still in the sport and I'm thriving.

You are so true! This is what I have learned in the school of hard knocks. Now when I have lost some gymnast who might have stayed in the sport if I backed off a little I have learned that as a coach my biggest goal is to keep the girls in this sport as long as possible. If they have to quit I always hope they'll find themselves coaching, judging or maybe studying something gymnastics-related. This year we have struggled to keep one particular 13 year old girl in this sport. I used to coach her for years when I still lived in a different town and I'm still keeping in touch with the other coach that coached her with me. I visit their practices every now and then too. This girl was totally lost, she felt she was nothing and compared herself to her best friend who was also in the group and who progressed very quickly beyond her level. This 13-year-old girl broke her elbow and was in a cast for several months and had to fight her way back. She struggled at first but when she was fully recovered she started to pick up new skills again and everything was getting better, until her best friend (who lived and breathed gymnastics) was invited to an higher group and this other girl wasn't. They also invited one other girl around their age and level and she felt it was unfair. I felt the same way because this girl had the best work ethic and was very close to the other girls' level. If she hasn't had broken her arm she would have been there too.

When she found out about the move she cried her eyes off and told us she's going to quit. I was there with them when that happened and I spent an hour of our practice time sitting there with her and comforting her, telling her how wonderful gymnast she is and how many great thing are there waiting for her. It wasn't the first time her very close friend was invited to an higher group. When it happened first time she was younger, maybe 11 years old and could handle it better. Now it felt like just another flap in the face. We almost begged her not to quit just like that and give it a second change. She told her motivation was off anyway because she felt she was struggling so much and couldn't meet her own expectations. She said that she's only enjoying tumbling and training with her friends right now. We talked with the other coach and agreed that this girl is important to us and we're going to make everything we can to keep her in the sport.

We made a plan - we talked to her and told her that she doesn't have to do the things that are stressful for her. If she doesn't want to practice her BHS on beam or flyaway on bars she only has to tell. We will find something else for her to do and it's not a big deal. We also asked if there are some things she would like to learn. She was sad and clearly missing her best friend a lot but she still showed up every time. She set her own boundaries - stopped doing bars for a while for example, but it didn't last too long and she asked by herself if she could join the others again. She's still showing up every time even if we thought it was the end.

We agreed that our biggest goal is to keep the girls in the sport. What we did was the only right thing do that we could think of. We didn't lose anything just by trying. It's not a won battle yet though, she's still gonna be a teenager for quite a while.

I'm not saying that what we did works for everyone. I understand that keeping a gymnast like her with the others may be a risk for the team and send a wrong message to some. I also understand that other coaches have different more ambitious goals for their teams. If that is the case it would be fair by a coach to suggest other options (like xcel) that could fit for the gymnast's needs better.

I still remind myself every now and then that we are there for the girls - not the other way around.[/QUOTE]

 

[duyetanh]

You are so true! This is what I have learned in the school of hard knocks. Now when I have lost some gymnast who might have stayed in the sport if I backed off a little I have learned that as a coach my biggest goal is to keep the girls in this sport as long as possible. If they have to quit I always hope they'll find themselves coaching, judging or maybe studying something gymnastics-related. This year we have struggled to keep one particular 13 year old girl in this sport. I used to coach her for years when I still lived in a different town and I'm still keeping in touch with the other coach that coached her with me. I visit their practices every now and then too. This girl was totally lost, she felt she was nothing and compared herself to her best friend who was also in the group and who progressed very quickly beyond her level. This 13-year-old girl broke her elbow and was in a cast for several months and had to fight her way back. She struggled at first but when she was fully recovered she started to pick up new skills again and everything was getting better, until her best friend (who lived and breathed gymnastics) was invited to an higher group and this other girl wasn't. They also invited one other girl around their age and level and she felt it was unfair. I felt the same way because this girl had the best work ethic and was very close to the other girls' level. If she hasn't had broken her arm she would have been there too.

When she found out about the move she cried her eyes off and told us she's going to quit. I was there with them when that happened and I spent an hour of our practice time sitting there with her and comforting her, telling her how wonderful gymnast she is and how many great thing are there waiting for her. It wasn't the first time her very close friend was invited to an higher group. When it happened first time she was younger, maybe 11 years old and could handle it better. Now it felt like just another flap in the face. We almost begged her not to quit just like that and give it a second change. She told her motivation was off anyway because she felt she was struggling so much and couldn't meet her own expectations. She said that she's only enjoying tumbling and training with her friends right now. We talked with the other coach and agreed that this girl is important to us and we're going to make everything we can to keep her in the sport.

We made a plan - we talked to her and told her that she doesn't have to do the things that are stressful for her. If she doesn't want to practice her BHS on beam or flyaway on bars she only has to tell. We will find something else for her to do and it's not a big deal. We also asked if there are some things she would like to learn. She was sad and clearly missing her best friend a lot but she still showed up every time. She set her own boundaries - stopped doing bars for a while for example, but it didn't last too long and she asked by herself if she could join the others again. She's still showing up every time even if we thought it was the end.

We agreed that our biggest goal is to keep the girls in the sport. What we did was the only right thing do that we could think of. We didn't lose anything just by trying. It's not a won battle yet though, she's still gonna be a teenager for quite a while.

I'm not saying that what we did works for everyone. I understand that keeping a gymnast like her with the others may be a risk for the team and send a wrong message to some. I also understand that other coaches have different more ambitious goals for their teams. If that is the case it would be fair by a coach to suggest other options (like xcel) that could fit for the gymnast's needs better.

I still remind myself every now and then that we are there for the girls - not the other way around.

[/QUOTE]
This. And this post made me cry.

 

[kris]

Thanks everyone! Really helpful hearing from those who are in similar situations now or in the past.

Aussie_coach, after sleeping on it, she can to me this morning saying she wanted to go through summer before making any decision, so it sounds like you and she are on the same wave length. She does love practice, is smiling almost the whole time, even through conditioning, is mentally in such a good place right now when it comes to practice. Her skills are coming along. Her strength is lagging as it hasn't kept up with her growth but could hopefully catch up a bit soon. The new gym has helped her floor and beam so much this year, and bars and vault could come along when she gets stronger and adjusts to new timing. As much as she knows it's a rebuilding year for her, it's so hard to go out there and not compete at the level she is used to be competing. It's also hard as the other girls in her group are all older (she is still in the youngest age group at the meets this year, and they are all typically in the oldest), so she doesn't have anyone going through this with her, and didn't know these girls when they were still growing.

Thanks again for all the different perspectives! I guess only time will tell, and I will try to let encourage her to make a decision when she's feeling good, not after her worst meet since level 4.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Let me guess? Level 8? My dd repeated and had only a partial year because of injury and what she did was not as good as the previous year. It was very hard! But we all knew her struggles and that she was doing harder skills the 2nd year, so that helped her mindset. I would encourage her to take time to get used to her body and she might be amazed at what she CAN do.

 

[Vivianflips]

That's good that your daughter is going to put some more thought into whether to quit or not as it's a big decision to make. I've had many days where I've just wanted to be done with gymnastics and never come back. Gymnastics is such a tough sport physically and mentally. Fortunately, my parents have always encouraged me not to rush into a decision and to take a day off of gymnastics if I need to clear my mind. I'm not sure either if I'll be continuing the sport after this summer but I'm thankful I have this time to throughly think about it before making a decision.