Parents When to decide for your child they should retire?

[Carly]

no they make her stand on the bean until she does it, and she just won't go for it.

Making her stand on the beam until she does it sounds horrible to me. She will never get over the fear if that is all the coaches are doing for her. They need to take it back to the beginning. Do it on the floor, then floor beam, then low beam, lots of mats under high beam etc. If the coaches do not know how to help girls with mental blocks, I would find a new gym that does.
My dd had an injury after doing the bhs on the beam but was able to mostly overcome her fear by doing the method above. It fortunately only took about a month after she recovered from the injury which was 2 months. A year later, she had the same injury and decided she never wanted to it again. So, she switched gyms and to Xcel and has never been happier! She did miss her old gym friends that she was with for 5 years but in the long run, it was the best decision that she made.

 

[flippin out]

Ok, my own dd never went through this, but almost all of her gym friends have and we've been there for them through it all.

So, I'm playing devil's advocate here........bc no one else seems to be saying it.

---What if your dd really does want to quit but is afraid of disappointing everyone (coaches, teammates, even yourself)? For some girls this sport is all that they've ever known, it's how they define themselves. They really do not love it anymore and would like to try other things, but they are afraid of the unknown...."who am I if I am not a gymnast". They have spent their lives up to this point seeking the approval of coaches and can't see past disappointing them. They have a solid group of friends on team and don't want to lose them. They know who they are in the gym...they are a gymnast! But are afraid of who they may be if that label is taken away. How do they accept who they are if they can't say I am a gymnast. They don't understand that they can grow and that their worth is more than that....that they can be and do anything, their possibilities are endless!

While I would not force her to quit, I would sit her down and have a good talk with her about all of her feelings and let her know that they are all justified. Talk to her about how she feels and let her know that this sport is wonderful but it is not something that she has to do forever, that it's ok to move on if she wants to. That she is an amazing gymnast, but she may be an amazing something else as well. Defining yourself as a former gymnast and now amazing volleyball, track, drama club, dancer or whatever is just as good.

I am not saying this to encourage you to tell your dd to quit, I am only sharing what my own dd's teammates went through. Everyone single one of her level 5 teammates quit the sport (at different ages, times and for different reasons). Some knew what they wanted and were ready to move on, some struggled for years to accept that they didn't want to by a gymnast anymore but didn't know how to be anything else..........BUT all are extremely happy with their decisions. They all moved on to other things (not all of them sports) and all excelled at whatever they chose to do. They have no regrets.

So.........let her decide, but let her know that she is MORE than being a gymnast

 

[flippin out]

Wouldn't let me edit to add ---- I completely agree with @Carly about how your gym is handling the fears and the suggestions to back it back down to progressions. But since I have never known a coach to appreciate advice from a parent on how to coach a kid I am not suggesting you go in there with that. Now if a gym switch to a place that you know does this philosophy is an option then by all means try switching her to it before quitting the sport. That may be what she needs to find joy again and move past the fears.

But I still stand by my advice above. Talk to her

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Ok, my own dd never went through this, but almost all of her gym friends have and we've been there for them through it all.

So, I'm playing devil's advocate here........bc no one else seems to be saying it.

---What if your dd really does want to quit but is afraid of disappointing everyone (coaches, teammates, even yourself)? For some girls this sport is all that they've ever known, it's how they define themselves. They really do not love it anymore and would like to try other things, but they are afraid of the unknown...."who am I if I am not a gymnast". They have spent their lives up to this point seeking the approval of coaches and can't see past disappointing them. They have a solid group of friends on team and don't want to lose them. They know who they are in the gym...they are a gymnast! But are afraid of who they may be if that label is taken away. How do they accept who they are if they can't say I am a gymnast. They don't understand that they can grow and that their worth is more than that....that they can be and do anything, their possibilities are endless!

While I would not force her to quit, I would sit her down and have a good talk with her about all of her feelings and let her know that they are all justified. Talk to her about how she feels and let her know that this sport is wonderful but it is not something that she has to do forever, that it's ok to move on if she wants to. That she is an amazing gymnast, but she may be an amazing something else as well. Defining yourself as a former gymnast and now amazing volleyball, track, drama club, dancer or whatever is just as good.

I am not saying this to encourage you to tell your dd to quit, I am only sharing what my own dd's teammates went through. Everyone single one of her level 5 teammates quit the sport (at different ages, times and for different reasons). Some knew what they wanted and were ready to move on, some struggled for years to accept that they didn't want to by a gymnast anymore but didn't know how to be anything else..........BUT all are extremely happy with their decisions. They all moved on to other things (not all of them sports) and all excelled at whatever they chose to do. They have no regrets.

So.........let her decide, but let her know that she is MORE than being a gymnast

I agree with you, this is the case for many. But I think most of those girls were not pulled out professing they don't want to go. We know many. Sad, hard decisions, a bit of fear or reluctant to leave friends and comfort. But I don't know one who was absolutely insisting they wanted to stay and that they loved gym and their parent pulled them anyway.

I think however the problem is her block and the fact that her current gym is doing absolutely nothing to address it.

I think for her to quit at this point without trying something else would be something she might regret. There is a what if..... that wouldn't be closed......

And of course she could quit, realize she misses it and pick up somewhere else.

But at 12, I think she is old enough to have some say in the decision. The only thing I can say, with the information shared on the thread is her current situation and how the current gym handles blocks is not good. Clearly that is how the gym handles blocks. Its not good so time to go. So the only thing as a parent I would say is we are done here at this gym no matter what. And then give her options.

 

[flippin out]

I agree with you, this is the case for many. But I think most of those girls were not pulled out professing they don't want to go. We know many. Sad, hard decisions, a bit of fear or reluctant to leave friends and comfort. But I don't know one who was absolutely insisting they wanted to stay and that they loved gym and their parent pulled them anyway.

I think however the problem is her block and the fact that her current gym is doing absolutely nothing to address it.

I think for her to quit at this point without trying something else would be something she might regret. There is a what if..... that wouldn't be closed......

And of course she could quit, realize she misses it and pick up somewhere else.

But at 12, I think she is old enough to have some say in the decision. The only thing I can say, with the information shared on the thread is her current situation and how the current gym handles blocks is not good. Clearly that is how the gym handles blocks. Its not good so time to go. So the only thing as a parent I would say is we are done here at this gym no matter what. And then give her options.

I agree with you, which is why added to my post ---

Wouldn't let me edit to add ---- I completely agree with @Carly about how your gym is handling the fears and the suggestions to back it back down to progressions. But since I have never known a coach to appreciate advice from a parent on how to coach a kid I am not suggesting you go in there with that. Now if a gym switch to a place that you know does this philosophy is an option then by all means try switching her to it before quitting the sport. That may be what she needs to find joy again and move past the fears.

But I still stand by my advice above. Talk to her

 

[Deleted member 18037]

@flippin out we were cross posting

 

[mag37]

Thanks all. I spoke to the coach as well, She said she is giving her an allotted time to go on the beam and then when it is done they move on and don't go back, even if she doesn't throw her BHS-BHS, Said she is trying not to make a big deal about it and hopes the pressure comes off and it will come. If anything I think my daughter knows we would be happy for her if she moved on :/ Its always impacting something. Although we are supportive of the sport and attend / cheer for every meet and show. Have paid for privates etc... I told her if she wanted to try something else we would get her in a camp and catch her up on any sport she wants. She is just not interested. I think we will stick it out and see how the summer goes. It's her mental health that has me most concerned. Hard to articulate to her that she could be happier. Thanks again , this is the 1st time I have ever joined one of these groups and at least I know we are not alone others have the same experiences.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I spoke to the coach as well, She said she is giving her an allotted time to go on the beam and then when it is done they move on and don't go back,

As folks have pointed out. Just having a kid stand on a beam, even without "pressure" (although JMO, just standing is pressure, yeah let me just stand here and focus on how I can't go) is not really a solution to a block. So they move on from BHS-BHS. And then another block pops.................

Gyms do what they do, so they are unlikely to change. There are better ways to deal with blocks. Me, I'd be finding a gym that uses them.

 

[H.J.]

That is a terrible strategy for dealing with mental blocks! It’s not that she won’t go, it’s that right now, her body and mind won’t let her go. Which is very very normal. But, she needs coaches that know how to deal with blocks and have the patience for them.

Sadly I’ve seen/known many coaches to take this approach. I don’t get it. At all. Frustrates me to no end.

 

[Ali'sMom]

For us, my DD had a huge beam BWO mental block. The way the coaches handled it (one or two in particular) would put her into a panic.
We had a few long talks. It was either repeat L6 while her friends moved to L& (they had changed BWO to CW for her), quit, or make a solid commitment to try and get past the block by using some mental tools like Doc Ali, etc.
She didn't want to quit, but she also didn't truly want to work on mental tools (she said that having to do something like that made her feel like something was wrong with her). So, she chose to repeat L6 for 8th grade, and that it would most likely be her last year.
And that is what she did. Stayed friends with the other teammates, still goes to watch them compete (she's been gone two seasons now), and is happy that she left on her own terms.

 

[bookworm]

I agree with Coachp , this is a parental decision....she's had over a year of this same scenario of fears, not "going for " her beam skills, not even competing (!!!), being miserable but saying she doesn't want to give it up ...when as flippin out said, her actions seem to speak otherwise....I get that she doesn't want to give up the social aspect of being a gymnast and part of a team but it includes participating in the sport fully, and she is not able to do that ,for whatever reason.

I cannot even imagine the dread this poor kid feels getting into the car to go to practice , knowing the horror that awaits her as she walks through the doors of the gym ..."welp here comes Susie, our pseudo level 7 that won't go for her series on beam for the past year so we 'don't pressure her' by having her just stand there"...as if Tinker Belle is going to fly by and sprinkle her with pixie dust and cure all her fears... this is awful , and you , her parent, needs to end it. Her psyche at this point is taking hit after hit of "not being good enough" every day she goes into the gym. Some kids end their gym careers at level 10 but many many kids are done way before that, and that's ok, she'll go on to do other things that don't create such angst for over a year!

I get what leaving gym can be for a kid... I had 2 level 10s who were signed by D1 teams . The youngest tore her ACL as a Jr and many surgeries, months of PT and it just wasn't coming back....she wanted to continue to "go to gym for the social aspect" and I said "nope, you're done going TO gym and you can keep up with your friends by text etc but I'm done paying tuition and fees if you aren't able to do gym"...and we moved on, she keeps up with those friends and she got more involved with stuff at school, hung out with friends on the weekends, and moved on to diving, and likes it! My point being, you need to pull the plug and be done because it's not working and she's only getting negative reinforcement every time she goes..and reparing that is a lot tougher.

 

[LJL07]

@bookworm has been dispensing really good advice for years! Normally I do think it is important for the child to give input into discontinuing an activity or sport, but this has been going on for a long time. I think this sport requires way too much time and commitment on the part of the whole family to let a stalemate continue indefinitely. It is very hard to quit. It is scary for a child to quit something she does almost every day for many hours. But when you hear of a situation like this, and I have a good friend who just went through this with her daughter, it sounds like the child is literally stuck and something needs to give. We have been through the quitting thing with my older daughter who had an injury and then an illness. We have been through so much already with this sport that I did issue a "gentle" ultimatum and told her if she wasn't making reasonable progress and up to level for level 8 by competition season it was time to hang it up. This was as much for the sanity of our family as her. I agree with others that standing on a high beam for a designated amount of time and not going is not a good tactic for blocks or fears. Have they tried other tactics over the year at all?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

My point being, you need to pull the plug and be done because it's not working and she's only getting negative reinforcement every time she goes..and reparing that is a lot tougher.

I agree with almost everything you said. But this I think is why she needs to attempt a gym change. So the negative reinforcement gets addressed. As in her mind. If she totally quits now, its not on her terms and the last thing she is left with is "I couldn't do it". When the reality is she had no coaching or help to get her past the block. Standing on beam until you are ready to go is not help or good coaching.

So I agree, she needs to hear "You are done with this gym"

That is why I think she needs a gym change for sure. Then a plan for a new gym.

 

[OrchidZ]

I'd recommend you read this post from Saturday. Parts of it will sound familiar.

If she still loves the sport, gym, etc.. I personally wouldn't make her quit over a mental block. I'd look for a mental coach and try to get her team coach and mental coach talking if needed and they are willing. If money or resources are an issue or if you have concerns for her long term health or safety, of course, you are the parent and should do what you think is best. "My kid might hold it against me" is never a good reason to make a decision for a child. Everyone dislikes SOME decision their parent made. We all have to grow up and *hopefully* understand that - assuming we had loving, responsible parents - our parents did what they thought was best. If they have kids, they'll do the same when they grow up. The coach said that she would tell you if it gets to a point that she needs to retire, I'd trust that. But this really is just part of the sport. They all struggle with something - some more than others. Mental blocks, reoccurring injuries, etc..

Editing to Add: This is all assuming that she's in a good gym environment. If she's not in a good, supportive environment, you need to look at moving her to a different gym. Mental Blocks can not improve unless she believes she is safe and supported.

From what I've read and observed, she's at that peak age timeframe when the kids start to get more nervous. I've observed that they eventually hit a point where either they don't want to deal with it anymore and are done, or they find a way to work around it. Either way, they resolve the problem themselves. The parents/coaches just help them see the options, which you've done. Quitting ends the problem.. but it's not empowering if it's not their choice. If it's at all possible, I'd try to be patient. Mental Blocks take time. Lots of time. I'd recommend that this is a good time for you to step back, stay out of the gym, don't talk about it except to give her a hug and show her you love her, support her, and believe in her *as a person apart from also in her gymnastics*.. and let your girl, her mental coach, and her team coach do what they can do. It's hard to do that as a parent, but from my observations across 7 years and 2 gyms.. that really is the best thing you can do. And I promise you, I've BTDT. Everything you've discussed plus back-to-back injuries. More pressure on her won't help move the process along. Yes, it's hard to continue to pay what gymnastics costs when things are rough.. but nothing worth doing is easy. And the $$ probably wouldn't cross your mind if she was just continuing to work on a skill, not having a hard time on something she "should" have...

Perhaps think of it that way. For her, this is like getting that dreaded kip. This one is going to take a while. You just have to have faith and be patient. It'll be whatever it will be. But she wants it, so you got that going for you/her.

Here's my go-to "It'll be ok" Gymnastics Song, just for you guys.
And send me a message if you ever need to vent or talk. It really helps to have someone to talk to when you feel you've already said it all a million times, but it's still there.
Good luck out there <3

 

[Deleted member 18037]

If she still loves the sport, gym, etc.. I personally wouldn't make her quit over a mental block.

Editing to Add: This is all assuming that she's in a good gym environment. If she's not in a good, supportive environment, you need to look at moving her to a different gym. Mental Blocks can not improve unless she believes she is safe and supported.

I can't comment if it is a good environment. But the OP has said the way they deal with blocks is to just stand on the beam. They go or don't.
That will never help her block. The solution is a new gym.

 

[OrchidZ]

I can't comment if it is a good environment. But the OP has said the way they deal with blocks is to just stand on the beam. They go or don't.
That will never help her block. The solution is a new gym.

Maybe the solution is a new gym. This makes it sound like "new gym" is the one and only option, but not being there or knowing the parent/coach/gym dynamic, there may be other viable choices. I agree that just standing there won't help, which is why I suggested trying to find a mental coach and see if they can work with the gymnast and the team coach. If the only solution a coach will ever offer is standing there, yes the answer is look for a new gym. However, I caught things in the original post that made me think the coaches probably intend well (ie: They give her an opportunity but aren't pressuring her to go. They didn't say "Just quit" but that this isn't the time to make that call yet. They aren't screaming at her, giving her ultimatums, or punishments.)

I was not trying to suggest a "do nothing" approach. Clearly, something needs to change (thus my suggestion for a mental coach). I just don't think it necessarily HAS to be "change gyms."

Changing gyms is hard. If it's otherwise a good environment, this might be a matter of the coach needing to learn a better way for this girl and others like her. NO, it's not our job to teach coaches how to coach, but if everything is otherwise ok and for my gymnast, I would pursue trying to get the coaches to try other methods first. Perhaps contact Doc Ali and see if there can be a FaceTime/Skype session with Ali/Coach/Gymnast. Or talk to the gym manager or owner about other solutions. When there's a problem, try to fix it first. If that doesn't work, you're dealing with an inflexible system and yeah.. that's got to go.

(I'm sorry if I repeat myself.. I'm short on time)

 

[bookworm]

I just think that this has gone on too long to do nothing from a parental standpoint...the gymnast is 12 so a parental decision, whether she "likes gym" or not, and I have my doubts on how much she actually likes gymnastics versus the social aspect of being with her friends. I personally would pull her and move on but the OP needs to either pull her totally or at least from this gym.

If I were thinking the gym change route, I would tell her that we are taking a few weeks off from gym and then "deciding what to do...try a new gym, or try something else". If she chooses to not try a new gym, let her answer stand, she's been miserable enough for long enough without drawing it out even more.

 

[txgymfan]

I just think that this has gone on too long to do nothing from a parental standpoint...the gymnast is 12 so a parental decision, whether she "likes gym" or not, and I have my doubts on how much she actually likes gymnastics versus the social aspect of being with her friends. I personally would pull her and move on but the OP needs to either pull her totally or at least from this gym.

If I were thinking the gym change route, I would tell her that we are taking a few weeks off from gym and then "deciding what to do...try a new gym, or try something else". If she chooses to not try a new gym, let her answer stand, she's been miserable enough for long enough without drawing it out even more.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Wise words from the Chalk Bucket Queen of Been There and Done That!

 

[LJL07]

Yes! Yes! Yes! Wise words from the Chalk Bucket Queen of Been There and Done That!

We did exactly what she suggested in paragraph 2. She "quit" for a couple of weeks--I had even sort of reached acceptance myself that this was probably the end, and we were discussing other things she could try--cheer, swimming, tennis. She then decided she really missed gymnastics, and after she asked a few times, I brought her to the new gym where she knew no one.

 

[duyetanh]

Thanks everyone! I think it is a combination of friends, love of the sport, and not knowing anything else. We have talked a lot about all these issues and it always ends with "I do not want to quit or switch to Excel". We did offer another gym and she wasn't too interested in that either. That is why I am struggling so much with this. We will keep trying to talk about it and take it month to month I guess. When I met with the coach she did say I don't think it is time for her to stop yet. And that she would tell me when if/when we get to that point. Just not sure the $$ doesn't sway that conversation

If the coach is one of quality, it won’t be about the money, it will be about the child and what is best for him/her.