WAG Why Are Parents the Enemy?

[Seeker]

Wow...that is horrible!

 

[Texasmomof3]

Wow...that is horrible!

That is why my son is no longer in T&T. I couldn't take the lack of communication from the gym any longer.

 

[Ali'sMom]

This one takes the cake, at Western's a child on my daughters team placed very well top three and after the meet was literally throwing a little tantrum in the stands. I was appalled by her behavior and honestly very confused. My daughter placed very well too and had nothing but a smile plastered on her face.
During our drive back to the hotel and stopping for food my daughter says out of nowhere, "do you know why _____gymnast was so upset?" I said no that was crazy. My daughter continues and says "her parents promised her a Brand New Jeep if she won!"

Seriously, what is wrong with parents. They literally took any joy the child could have had in that moment and crushed it by dangling a carrot based on a sport that someone else is scoring you in. I have seen and heard some crazy stuff but that took the cake for me.

Once at a meet my dd wanted a new grips bag. Besides the two she already had. She found it on the way in and begged. I told her she didn't need ANOTHER one. But then I laughed and said "if you qualify for states, I'll buy it". She laughed too, because she had just come back from 4 weeks out with mono (no conditioning, no stretching, no nothing), and her bars were less than stellar. And coach required a 36.
Well, she didn't make it, and she was upset. Not about the grips bag, but states. I did tell her she really didn't need another one. And of course let my mom know she could buy it for her for Christmas

Did you know those parents that promised the jeep?? Was she from your gym, or someone from your region at a crazy powerhouse "give my kid anything" gym?
I agree that with that kind of promise, they truly took the joy out of her awesome placements

 

[sportsmom]

Once at a meet my dd wanted a new grips bag. Besides the two she already had. She found it on the way in and begged. I told her she didn't need ANOTHER one. But then I laughed and said "if you qualify for states, I'll buy it". She laughed too, because she had just come back from 4 weeks out with mono (no conditioning, no stretching, no nothing), and her bars were less than stellar. And coach required a 36.
Well, she didn't make it, and she was upset. Not about the grips bag, but states. I did tell her she really didn't need another one. And of course let my mom know she could buy it for her for Christmas

Did you know those parents that promised the jeep?? Was she from your gym, or someone from your region at a crazy powerhouse "give my kid anything" gym?
I agree that with that kind of promise, they truly took the joy out of her awesome placements

Yes I know the family and yes she is from our gym. The funniest part is these are the parents that pay for two private lessons a week throughout the season, the coaches all think these parents are amazing. Well I have sat by them in the stands and they are so critical of their daughter. It really goes to the point someone else made about being able to buy coaches. The parents that just sit back and let their kid grow and mature and become whatever level their talent and work will take them too have to wonder if their child is having to work harder because the coaches very much favor the kids who's parents are paying for the extra private lessons.
No private lesson for my kid and she placed very well at Westerns. I am just going to stick to my guns and say that if my kid didn't want it she wouldn't be where she is. And the kids who's parents are paying them and the coaches to be good will someday have a rough go because there won't always be a carrot in life. At some point they will have to know what it is to want something and have to work hard to get it, not because someone else wants it for them.

 

[mommyof1]

The funniest part is these are the parents that pay for two private lessons a week throughout the season, the coaches all think these parents are amazing.

What I would like to know is how an optional gymnast and optional coaches have time for two privates a week!

 

[sportsmom]

What I would like to know is how an optional gymnast and optional coaches have time for two privates a week!

After practice twice a week. Privates at our gym are going on everyday before and after practice for an hour. Our girls practice from 3:30-8:00 M.T. W. F and Sat 9-1.
Parents pull their kids from school early to have privates. Our coaches are making bank of the privates and the parents who pay, believe me, their privates continue thru practice. The coaches want to take credit for a child's successes and if they are not keeping up they would have to explain the use of the time in the privates. Sooo those coaches are most definitely more vested in those kids. I think part of it is human nature and I can't blame the coaches for wanting to make more money but I think it comes at the expense of all the other kids in the gym. I have stopped really caring at all because I honestly think my kid is right where she should be. Sure if WE pushed maybe she would push harder but Again then it is not self driven and I believe she would gain less of a sense of accomplishment if we tried to help versus when she reaches the place she wants to be through hard work and determination which she directs. Last year she did ask to have private lesson to clean a skill up with a specific coach who is very technical but was not there much when my daughter was. I told her that she could call and arrange the time and that yes we would pay for it. She did and she got out of it what she needed I guess because she did not ask again.

 

[Ali'sMom]

Wow - that's a lot of privates!
You'd think the coaches would be asking why the girls aren't getting where they need to be with "their coaching" during regular practice.

there's just a whole lot of crazy wrapped up in all those privates, promising a car for winning, and being upset with the dd when she doesn't "win". A whole lotta crazy!!!

I, too, am of the nature that privates are okay for specific things. We've done quite a few to get over some mental blocks - with one particular coach. Our very own version of Doc Ali, if you will. I used to say that I'd even be willing to pay for them to just talk in the corner, because she clicked with DD.
But if DD needed continuous privates, I'd totally have to re-evaluate where she was, in gym and in life...

 

[Ruben Y]

why not? i really do not understand. this is between the kid and the coach. kid did not work hard enough, kid has to leave high hour group. logical consequence, great learning experience. if kid is above age 7 or so i do not see how the parent needs to be involved. unless you think changing groups hurts the kid in an important way - this is imo not the case unless we are talking elite training and the like when such a change in hours would be of serious consequences. but for a kid doing some gymnastics while it is young? what is the difference? why does it matter if is doing 12 hours or 16?

in other words: i think many parents shoud reevaluate what they consider to be of "major" imprtance in their kid's lifes. of major importance are a loving family, friends, fun, health, meaningful experiences and education. religion, too, if you guys are into that. adult's should have an adult's perspective imo and not try to copy their kid's perspective ("i have a drop in hours, the world is going to end!").

NO... do not agree... what if the this were a teacher - student scenario and the DD's dedication to learning was the topic... Parents can be involved / informed and not be CRAZY...

 

[Ali'sMom]

Wow - that's a lot of privates!
You'd think the coaches would be asking why the girls aren't getting where they need to be with "their coaching" during regular practice.

But if DD needed continuous privates, I'd totally have to re-evaluate where she was, in gym and in life...

I just re-read that, and I definitely didn't mean that privates are bad, or having them means the gymnast is bad, etc.
What I meant was pulling from personal history with another gymmie whose mother pushed and pushed her. One coach joked to me when I was trying to set up one private "Hold on, I have to check my schedule, B's mom just scheduled 14!". I thought, maybe they should see how one or two go before that kind of commitment, etc.

Just clarifying, because what I re-read might have come across as judgey!! and I didn't mean that!!!

 

[H.J.]

I've had a hard season this year, partly due to parents, and probably not the problems one would expect. I have a group who coach their kids at home, coach from the sides (seating is 2 feet from the gym floor with no wall/barrier), pull their kids over mid-practice for conversation, obsessively follow scores of meets online, complain about scores/other teams/meets amongst themselves in hushed voices as they sit and watch practices BUT not a single word is ever said to me. So obviously, they have problems. There are meets they didn't like, scores that confused them, skills their kids are struggling with- but they never bring it to me. Even though they have my email and phone number and know I'm available after practice. They choose instead to gossip and whisper and speculate. These are the same parents who, when I send out an email update asking for replies (leo sizes, travel plans, etc.) never respond. So clearly they are the over involved type, but still refuse to become involved with me as their child's coach. These parents scare me far more than the ones who bombard me with questions because I know if anything ever does go wrong, there is a misunderstanding, etc- they won't come to me but will jump straight to HC.
I am 100% okay with parents who want to ask me questions, I welcome and encourage it! BUT, have a relationship with me. Let me know you support me and what I'm doing. Give me the benefit of the doubt when possible. Say thank you every so often. Get to know me as a person so you can see I honestly want the best for your kid and devote far more hours planning and coaching your kids than what I get paid for.

I am so deeply sorry you are having to deal with this. In our gym, the coaches rush out through the back door after practice and seemingly do everything they can to avoid interacting with parents in any way. They seem very unavailable to us an flat-out irritated when we have questions. Having some kind of relationship with them is exactly what so many of us parents want, but they seem to not want that. I think they've just been burned too many times by parents and find that it's easiest to just ignore them -- self-preservation. I don't blame them really but it's causing problems. It just absolutely stinks that you are the opposite of this and are still dealing with s*** from parents. <3

 

[H.J.]

Well, I did reward my DD when she won a 1st place at a meet. It was one of those mornings when she was dreaming.."mom, what if I won 1st on something today. What would you do?" She hadn't won 1st on anything since Level 3 and was going to her first meet as a Level 6 after having a broken toe and missing the first meet. I just replied that I might dance (I don't dance...and if I do, it's not pretty). Walking in the door she was looking at the Leo's for sale and asked "if I get a first today, will you buy me one?". I said sure - I mean really, it had been awhile, I thought my bet and my wallet were safe...and then she won first on bars. I don't really see it as much different than taking my son out for ice cream when he gets a goal in his soccer game. I guess it just depends where the pressure comes from. My experience with my kids is they set their goals. Now, my DD did have a goal of a 9.5 on beam this season. She got really close but didn't get there (actually I can't recall anyone getting one during our season) but I would have celebrated with her had she done - it was her goal. She was the one that picked it and worked at it all season. I guess I don't really mind some "offerings" depending on who is exactly behind the motivation.

You're not alone. I think a "reward" in the spirit of celebrating with kids is totally different than bribing them with rewards. Celebrating can take many forms, and often (rightly or wrongly) it comes in the form of something material (a new leo, toy, starbucks, whatever). That is totally different in my opinion from "I'll give you $100 if you ..." Like you said -- it depends on what is behind the motivation.

 

[H.J.]

NO... do not agree... what if the this were a teacher - student scenario and the DD's dedication to learning was the topic... Parents can be involved / informed and not be CRAZY...

The OP didn't say anything about wanting to micro-manage their kid's life to the point of crippling dependence. Nor did I. Nor are most parents out there. No one is asking for permission to bombard the coach with questions ever meet, every score, every skill, every toe point. While some parents need to understand the difference, yes, but they are not the majority. They can be dealt with. And their kids are likely to burn out before the coach has to deal with them for too long anyway. I think what the OP and others are saying is that there is ZERO harm in wanting to know SOME things SOME times. Simply feeling like you have a partnership with your child's coach in something that they spend practically their whole life doing is not bad, or hindering their development as either a person or an athlete. The parent is an ally, or can be, if they are not made to feel like they should have zero part of the process besides dishing out cash. It's all about balance.

To the poster that said it's not the coach's job to educate the parents about the technicality of the sport - I agree mostly. Some parents want to know nothing, some want to know more, but as long as their gymnast understands the technicality of it, then the coach is doing their job. But if the coach shares nothing or next to nothing about the process, and their child is young or new to the sport, then a parent can't make informed decision as to whether or not the coach is doing their job and their kid is ok. For example, I know nothing about my other child's sport. We lingered for far too long at a facility that was not benefiting her well-being or her progress because I just didn't have enough information to make an informed decision. She is thriving in a new environment now, and I feel much more trust, because they don't make me feel like a Crazy Train for checking in and asking when I don't know, or bringing something (good or bad) to their attention. Another example: just because I want to understand and be somewhat involved in my kid's education doesn't mean I think I am their teacher, or I'm trying overthrow the principal. It doesn't mean that I don't trust their school, or that my kids will grow into adults that can't think for themselves, or that they are going to be cripplingly dependent on my wisdom forever. If my kids attended a school that made me feel like I should never inquire about anything (like many gyms) because they are omnipotent, we'd find a new school.

As kids get older, they can and should take more ownership over ALL aspects of their lives. It seems it's only gymnastics, though, that expects them to have the cognitive and emotional ability to do so the day they walk into the gym, just because they are physically capable of very difficult things.

Thank you for this.

Like you've done in this post and others have in other posts, I often compare gymnastics to school. It's obviously not 100% apples to apples but yeah -- a parent helping their kid with a math assignment would never be frowned upon, but a parent even simply ASKING their kid if they understand a particular correction a coach is making and then inquiring with a coach about how it might be explained in a different way is absolute sacrilege! That's not me trying to coach her at home, it's not me questioning the coach, it's not me trying to be the coach; it's just a parent taking an interest in his/her kid's learning. Helping my kid with math doesn't mean I'm trying to be the teacher. And I'm not comparing that to *helping* my kid with a skill at home so don't freak out! I'm comparing it to simply noting that "hey, I think DD is struggling to understand this ... I wonder if it could be explained differently?" Yes, ideally she should be able to voice that to her coach but there's nothing wrong with scaffolding or engineering success (to a SMALL degree ... yes, I know, we shouldn't engineer our kids' lives) ... help them ask the questions (sometimes they don't even know how to articulate or understand what their questions even are!) and THEN they'll learn how being willing to do so helps them.

 

[mommyof1]

Yes, ideally she should be able to voice that to her coach but there's nothing wrong with scaffolding or engineering success (to a SMALL degree ... yes, I know, we shouldn't engineer our kids' lives) ... help them ask the questions (sometimes they don't even know how to articulate or understand what their questions even are!) and THEN they'll learn how being willing to do so helps them.

Yes yes yes!!! Scaffolding is exactly the role of the parent, in gymnastics as in every other aspect of child-rearing. As the kid gets older and more skilled at dealing with teachers and coaches you can slowly dismantle the scaffolding, but when kids are little they need more support and guidance.