WAG Why Are Parents the Enemy?

[H.J.]

Parents can be both relaxed and involved. We do it at school. We do it in other sports. They are not mutually-exclusive. Your willingness as a coach to communicate and not dismiss the insight or curiosity of a parent would go a long way towards the parents being more of the former, and less of the latter.

So, so true. I'm so thankful that I'm not alone in this regard.

 

[H.J.]

They're only the enemy in gyms that don't do a good job of setting out the expectations and then keeping open communication. That is to say, most gyms.

Bless you. You sound like an incredible coach. I'm so glad to know people like you exist.

 

[H.J.]

I think you're 100% right. It just boggles my mind that coaches wouldn't want to learn how to bring parents on board in a healthy and helpful way. Sure, it's not their job to help us be better gymnastics parents. But wouldn't doing so make their job so much better?

As a gym parent for going on 10 years now, I think your experience is more right than wrong. And a reasonable answer to "why" has eluded me and many of my friends for as long.


Reasons.


Nope.



All sarcasm aside, no, these parent's aren't rare, and they become less and less rare as you go up the levels. Coaches would like you to believe they are like a unicorn, but if they'd chill out and give us a little more credit, they might know this. My theory is that many don't have the interpersonal skills to compartmentalize the few difficult parents and deal with them as needed, without penalizing the supportive-yet-curious ones. They usually go overboard and cut out everyone, or have no boundaries at all and create drama. I often wonder if it is because they learned the same culture of control from their coaches. Some coaches are better than others at finding a balance and being willing to engage with and (god-fobid) learn from, their parents. I believe that's what's rare.

I can tell you that even the youngest gymnasts pick up on the parents-are-irrelevant message, and it can lead to a internal struggle of trust for the child, even under the most innocuous of situations. I will continue to advocate against this coach-centric, controlling culture, as I believe it lends itself to a sport ripe for abuse. As we all know, our sport can do better. Parents are important, too.

 

[H.J.]

I really appreciate everyone's insight and comments on this issue. It's given me a lot to think about. I don't think it's all that helpful to romanticize/glorify the checked-out/non-helicoptery parenting styles of yesteryear but I also don't think the current trend/problem of over-involved parents should go unchecked. I think we all just do the best we can with what we've got -- and I guess that goes for coaches too.

I think the one thing I wish, though, is that more coaches would see the benefits of at least trying to help us be better gym parents ... it's not their job, I get it, but I can't help but think that the end result would make their job a lot more enjoyable. Then again, maybe it's futile since we all have different expectations and reactions. And yes, size of gym/number of gymnasts matters. I'm sure working on communication with parents is easier in some places than it is in others.

Anyway, thanks for giving me lots of food for thought.

OP

 

[gymjunkie]

I don't think that us coaches necessarily think of parents as the enemy, more like "the afterthought." Obviously nobody wants to be thought of as an afterthought, but it's the reality of the day-to-day nature of our jobs.

All week long we are focused on preparing to coach your kids, then coaching your kids, then reviewing what happened when we coached your kids -- all so that we can repeat the process all over again the next week. In addition to that main part of our job, we have staff meetings, clinics, trainings, webinars, special events at the gym, privates, equipment maintenance, USAG certification maintenance, continuing education, judging (for some), choreography (for some), and about a half a dozen other things that have to be done to maintain a team. If you are a part-time coach, you are doing all of the above part-time while you either work another job or are in school. I truly had less responsibilities when I was employed as a marketing director for a major company (earned plenty more to boot)! With so many responsibilities, I am not thinking about the parents of my gymnasts unless something is not right with the gymnast and it's necessary to meet with the parents. Even if their is something not right, my first thought is not about the parents. My first thought is we need more of something going on in the gym... more conditioning, more pressure sets, more video review, more time on X event, etc. Or maybe we need less conditioning, less pressure, etc. Bottom line is when Suzy gymnast is having trouble with her ____________fill-in-the-blank) skill, I am not thinking that her parents will have the answer.

Most of the parents I have dealt with are not crazy, but I have had my share. I even had to take legal action against one. Here are the parental problem behaviors that I look as as reg flags for crazy parents:

(in no particular order)...

-being clearly jealous of other kids who are outperforming their child
-paying their child for results (I had one parent ask me what skills their child was missing to advance to the next level. I told her and she offered her child $100/skill)
-becoming obsessed with/stalking other gymnasts on the internet
-coaching through the window of the gym or coaching at home
-attempting to control the coach through private lessons
-attempting to make everything easier for their child instead of encouraging their child to work harder
-making constant excuses for their child
-while watching their child at practice/a meet, non-stop commenting to other parents about their child (as if the other parents are not there to watch their own kids)
-psycho texting or e-mailing the coach about what happened at practice/meets (some even text their coaches from the audience to the meet floor)
-not understanding that every time you encounter your child's coach, it is not a parent conference (like when you run into them at a wedding reception for instance)
-walking onto the practice floor to interrupt a coach who is busy coaching when they feel they need to discuss something
-asking permission for everything (ie: is it okay if I let my daughter eat birthday cake on her birthday?)
-hopping from gym to gym in search of the perfect gym
-making their kid jog/go to the fitness club/do yoga (etc.) with them, thinking it will give them a competitive edge (especially when the kid doesn't even want to)
-complaining all the time about nearly everything

I'm sure I missed a few, but it amazes me that I've had a few cases where a single parent was guilty of all of the above!

 

[duyetanh]

I don't think that us coaches necessarily think of parents as the enemy, more like "the afterthought." Obviously nobody wants to be thought of as an afterthought, but it's the reality of the day-to-day nature of our jobs.

All week long we are focused on preparing to coach your kids, then coaching your kids, then reviewing what happened when we coached your kids -- all so that we can repeat the process all over again the next week. In addition to that main part of our job, we have staff meetings, clinics, trainings, webinars, special events at the gym, privates, equipment maintenance, USAG certification maintenance, continuing education, judging (for some), choreography (for some), and about a half a dozen other things that have to be done to maintain a team. If you are a part-time coach, you are doing all of the above part-time while you either work another job or are in school. I truly had less responsibilities when I was employed as a marketing director for a major company (earned plenty more to boot)! With so many responsibilities, I am not thinking about the parents of my gymnasts unless something is not right with the gymnast and it's necessary to meet with the parents. Even if their is something not right, my first thought is not about the parents. My first thought is we need more of something going on in the gym... more conditioning, more pressure sets, more video review, more time on X event, etc. Or maybe we need less conditioning, less pressure, etc. Bottom line is when Suzy gymnast is having trouble with her ____________fill-in-the-blank) skill, I am not thinking that her parents will have the answer.

Most of the parents I have dealt with are not crazy, but I have had my share. I even had to take legal action against one. Here are the parental problem behaviors that I look as as reg flags for crazy parents:

(in no particular order)...

-being clearly jealous of other kids who are outperforming their child
-paying their child for results (I had one parent ask me what skills their child was missing to advance to the next level. I told her and she offered her child $100/skill)
-becoming obsessed with/stalking other gymnasts on the internet
-coaching through the window of the gym or coaching at home
-attempting to control the coach through private lessons
-attempting to make everything easier for their child instead of encouraging their child to work harder
-making constant excuses for their child
-while watching their child at practice/a meet, non-stop commenting to other parents about their child (as if the other parents are not there to watch their own kids)
-psycho texting or e-mailing the coach about what happened at practice/meets (some even text their coaches from the audience to the meet floor)
-not understanding that every time you encounter your child's coach, it is not a parent conference (like when you run into them at a wedding reception for instance)
-walking onto the practice floor to interrupt a coach who is busy coaching when they feel they need to discuss something
-asking permission for everything (ie: is it okay if I let my daughter eat birthday cake on her birthday?)
-hopping from gym to gym in search of the perfect gym
-making their kid jog/go to the fitness club/do yoga (etc.) with them, thinking it will give them a competitive edge (especially when the kid doesn't even want to)
-complaining all the time about nearly everything

I'm sure I missed a few, but it amazes me that I've had a few cases where a single parent was guilty of all of the above!

OMG....some of these are INSANE! The paying for skills especially made me hurl....

 

[raenndrops]

Our seating area is literally 2 feet from the bars area -- no glass partition or anything. Team parents are told to limit their practice viewing to the last 30 mins for the upper levels. I know lots of gyms limit it to 10 mins... or none at all. Someone said this sounds like a recipe for disaster -- I don't know. Maybe it does make things worse at our gym. Haven't really thought about it.

Our seating area is about 3 feet from floor exercise and the single rail bar and one set of uneven bars. No issues for us, luckily.

 

[profmom]

OMG....some of these are INSANE! The paying for skills especially made me hurl....

Yep. Have seen it before on both boys' and girls' side. Crazy 2.0 is rewarding for placements/scores at meets. (That child is an ex-gymnast, unsurprisingly.)

Gymjunkie's list is an excellent one, and I am sorry to say that I have seen nearly all of these behaviors. It's good to see the list, though, and remind myself to be grateful for the cordial relationship I have with my gymnasts' coaches -- and to continue to do/not do on my side what's needed to keep that in place!

 

[wallinbl]

One the one hand, this seems way too oversimplified. On the other hand, yes -- nothing else matters. Gymnastics is an invasive, psychologically-, physically-, emotionally, and mentally-demanding sport. Maybe all competitive sports are in their own way, but the grueling 4-hour practices, the fear, the potential for emotional abuse ... I don't know. Communication seems pretty important.

It's not oversimplified. Sure, it's demanding, but you don't need continual conferences with coaches because of that. It's not like coaches are going to come out and tell you they're abusing your kid or working your kid too hard. None of what you mention in this post is going to be cleared up by communicating with coaches.

 

[flowerchild]

well, there is a big difference in between "wanting to know what is going on" in your kid's life and giving kids no space of their own aka not trusting your little one to be able to handle their own things in their own way or being too afraid of anything going "wrong" for them. independence and maturity are two sides of the same thing.

to put it another way: how on earth can one expext one's kids to gain "lilfe experience" if everything they get to experience is designed and monitored and carefully planned out in advance as far as possible? life is not like this.

And this is why we now have gymnasts suing over being abused/ molested by USAG team physician. There is a difference between allowing your child to live their own life and abdicating your responsibility as a parent to ensure your child is safe. This culture of parental exclusion is why that scumbag was able to get away with what he did. And USAG and gymnastics coaches need to stop treating kids like they are autonomous adults.

 

[profmom]

And this is why we now have gymnasts suing over being abused/ molested by USAG team physician. There is a difference between allowing your child to live their own life and abdicating your responsibility as a parent to ensure your child is safe. This culture of parental exclusion is why that scumbag was able to get away with what he did. And USAG and gymnastics coaches need to stop treating kids like they are autonomous adults.

I think it's important to note, though, that at least a little bit of the worst of what happens in this sport relates to parents with wrongheaded priorities. Are the parents primarily responsible for the abuse? Of course not! But a win-at-any-cost mentality opens the door for the following pathologies:

• trusting coaches over doctors when it comes to injury recovery
• ignoring or minimizing children's reports of bad coaching behavior because the coach "gets results"
• encouraging or facilitating coaching relationships that cross the line and undermining a child's inherent sense of boundaries to advance the child in the sport
• allowing a sense of jealousy over a coach's investment in other athletes to encourage inappropriately close relationships between parent/coach or coach/child

Good coaches are great and exercise important influence over children's lives, but parents need to be parents and let the coaches be coaches. They should neither try to be coaches nor abdicate their authoritative parental roles to coaches.

I emphasize once again, though, that the people to blame for the sexual abuse incidents are the abusers.

 

[eucoach]

This culture of parental exclusion is why that scumbag was able to get away with what he did.

While I do agree that excluding parents completely is never a good idea, I think you are oversimplifying the very manifold and complex reasons why Nassar was able to get away with what he did for so long.

On the actual topic however - I don't see parents as the enemy. 9 out of 10 parents are "normal" people - you might not always agree with each other but they are easy to work with and there is mutual respect and willingness to communicate. They are also aware that their kid is not a saint and has their faults, just like any other person on this planet. 1 out of 10 usually make up for the other 9 "normal" ones by being extremely difficult and making your job less enjoyable.

F. ex. I don't mind if parents come up to me and ask for my side of a story that their kid told them. The horror parents don't do that - they come up to you to tell you how horrible you are because their child is always right and you do not have their best interest in mind.
Let's say the kid comes home crying and reports that the coach said "You will never get this skill." A "normal" parent will try to find out what happened before that comment and either let it go or eventually come up to you and ask you to fill you in on what happened because the kid is really distressed. They will hear that the kid was goofing off all practice, not doing the drills and disturbing the other kids. After being told to behave repeatedly, coach finally had enough and resorted to making this comment because they know while the kid doesn't mind being told off, it cares about getting new skills and finally said "If you don't start putting in the work, you will never get this skill!"

So...these type of parents make you extremely wary of all parents - which might sometimes be interpreted as regarding all parents as the enemy....

 

[H.J.]

While I do agree that excluding parents completely is never a good idea, I think you are oversimplifying the very manifold and complex reasons why Nassar was able to get away with what he did for so long.

On the actual topic however - I don't see parents as the enemy. 9 out of 10 parents are "normal" people - you might not always agree with each other but they are easy to work with and there is mutual respect and willingness to communicate. They are also aware that their kid is not a saint and has their faults, just like any other person on this planet. 1 out of 10 usually make up for the other 9 "normal" ones by being extremely difficult and making your job less enjoyable.

F. ex. I don't mind if parents come up to me and ask for my side of a story that their kid told them. The horror parents don't do that - they come up to you to tell you how horrible you are because their child is always right and you do not have their best interest in mind.
Let's say the kid comes home crying and reports that the coach said "You will never get this skill." A "normal" parent will try to find out what happened before that comment and either let it go or eventually come up to you and ask you to fill you in on what happened because the kid is really distressed. They will hear that the kid was goofing off all practice, not doing the drills and disturbing the other kids. After being told to behave repeatedly, coach finally had enough and resorted to making this comment because they know while the kid doesn't mind being told off, it cares about getting new skills and finally said "If you don't start putting in the work, you will never get this skill!"

So...these type of parents make you extremely wary of all parents - which might sometimes be interpreted as regarding all parents as the enemy....

Great example -- thanks. Kids, especially the younger ones, simply can't/don't convey the full (or at least full-er) context of a comment or behavior. Also, they can't read sarcasm or dry humor, which my DD's coaches use quite a bit. Several parents at our gym have been told by their kids that the coach frequently says things like "You're going back to Level # if you can't start pointing your toes" or "I'm never letting you do beam again after that routine." In the case of our coach, she isn't serious and is just dry or sarcastic. Still, the kids often perceive it as a real threat and it scares the crap out of and intimidates them (the younger ones) -- but to the point of fear and diminishing confidence, not motivation. I'd like to think that if those were things the coach were ACTUALLY considering (not saying moved back a level would never be warranted), there'd be a conversation about it in a more genuine fashion. Absent that, why say things like that? Anyway, the point is, kids can't always appropriately interpret what's going on so asking coaches for the fuller context is always a good idea. I NEVER assume what my kid tells me is the whole story.

 

[mommyof1]

Several parents at our gym have been told by their kids that the coach frequently says things like "You're going back to Level # if you can't start pointing your toes" or "I'm never letting you do beam again after that routine." Those are empty threats but they scare the crap out of and intimidate the younger ones -- but to the point of fear and diminishing confidence, not motivation. I'd like to think that if those were things the coach were ACTUALLY considering (not saying moved back a level would never be warranted), there'd be a conversation about it.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves as a gym parent and a big reason I wish there were regular parent-coach conferences. I don't want to bug the coach every time my kid comes home crying because the coach is threatening to send some of her group to XCel, but if I could be confident that the coach would come to me with any concerns then I'd be in a much better position to reassure my kid. After an episode of these threats, her confidence will often be so destroyed that she will have lousy practices for several days.

 

[gymdog]

Yep. Have seen it before on both boys' and girls' side. Crazy 2.0 is rewarding for placements/scores at meets. (That child is an ex-gymnast, unsurprisingly.)

3.0: Rewarding them for "beating" a particular person (unfortunately often a teammate).

 

[wandrewsjr]

Yep. Have seen it before on both boys' and girls' side. Crazy 2.0 is rewarding for placements/scores at meets. (That child is an ex-gymnast, unsurprisingly.)

Gymjunkie's list is an excellent one, and I am sorry to say that I have seen nearly all of these behaviors. It's good to see the list, though, and remind myself to be grateful for the cordial relationship I have with my gymnasts' coaches -- and to continue to do/not do on my side what's needed to keep that in place!

Have seen many parents offer cash(and other valuable prizes) for scores at meets.

 

[coachmolly]

I've had a hard season this year, partly due to parents, and probably not the problems one would expect. I have a group who coach their kids at home, coach from the sides (seating is 2 feet from the gym floor with no wall/barrier), pull their kids over mid-practice for conversation, obsessively follow scores of meets online, complain about scores/other teams/meets amongst themselves in hushed voices as they sit and watch practices BUT not a single word is ever said to me. So obviously, they have problems. There are meets they didn't like, scores that confused them, skills their kids are struggling with- but they never bring it to me. Even though they have my email and phone number and know I'm available after practice. They choose instead to gossip and whisper and speculate. These are the same parents who, when I send out an email update asking for replies (leo sizes, travel plans, etc.) never respond. So clearly they are the over involved type, but still refuse to become involved with me as their child's coach. These parents scare me far more than the ones who bombard me with questions because I know if anything ever does go wrong, there is a misunderstanding, etc- they won't come to me but will jump straight to HC.
I am 100% okay with parents who want to ask me questions, I welcome and encourage it! BUT, have a relationship with me. Let me know you support me and what I'm doing. Give me the benefit of the doubt when possible. Say thank you every so often. Get to know me as a person so you can see I honestly want the best for your kid and devote far more hours planning and coaching your kids than what I get paid for.

 

[gymnastmom05]

Well, I did reward my DD when she won a 1st place at a meet. It was one of those mornings when she was dreaming.."mom, what if I won 1st on something today. What would you do?" She hadn't won 1st on anything since Level 3 and was going to her first meet as a Level 6 after having a broken toe and missing the first meet. I just replied that I might dance (I don't dance...and if I do, it's not pretty). Walking in the door she was looking at the Leo's for sale and asked "if I get a first today, will you buy me one?". I said sure - I mean really, it had been awhile, I thought my bet and my wallet were safe...and then she won first on bars. I don't really see it as much different than taking my son out for ice cream when he gets a goal in his soccer game. I guess it just depends where the pressure comes from. My experience with my kids is they set their goals. Now, my DD did have a goal of a 9.5 on beam this season. She got really close but didn't get there (actually I can't recall anyone getting one during our season) but I would have celebrated with her had she done - it was her goal. She was the one that picked it and worked at it all season. I guess I don't really mind some "offerings" depending on who is exactly behind the motivation.

 

[skschlag]

3.0: Rewarding them for "beating" a particular person (unfortunately often a teammate).

A parent on my son's old team did that with her son. She bribed him to beat him at state. Well he did...and got $50.

 

[amiandjim]

I would very much like to believe these parent behaviors don't occur, but I know of a little girl who was promised a puppy if she didn't fall at a meet. She had a great meet, until she fell on the dismount of her very last routine.