WAG Young optional left behind

[GymDad9.9]

I am in the position of being the owner and operator of one child who's the oldest in a group and one who's the second youngest. The oldest has cheerfully taken on kind of a group mom role, helping the younger girls to stay focused and positive even when things aren't going well. The second youngest is pretty outgoing but has a lot of respect for his older teammates, and they're not shy about telling him when he's allowed to pal around with them and when he has to butt out. Things did get a little easier for him last fall when his best friend -- the youngest in the group now -- moved up to join him. The funny thing now is to watch him when he works down a group occasionally, as he takes on the mentorship role his older teammates were playing with him last year.

Over the years with all the group configuration changes I've seen, my experience has been that it can take an introverted kid as long as two months to get settled in a new group. I'll just repeat my usual caution that past performance doesn't always predict future results in this sport, so whatever you tell a young gymnast who's progressing quickly through the levels, leave a little room to help the athlete feel good

I know the answer to this (I at least have a strong hunch), but would you mind sharing where your children learned the wonderful values of respect, compassion and deference from?

 

[lovemygymnast]

Yes on the phone thing. My 8 year old just doesn't need one. And she is the only one on her optional team that doesn't have one (yes she has let me know, rofl).

My 8 year old doesn't have a phone but has an iPod (which has her floor music for gym). They group text on it and of course, I monitor but it's mostly gym related. Just the fact they included her on that was huge. It's going off constantly and when I ask what they're talking about, she laughs & says,"no idea! I can't read or type that fast!" Lol.

 

[gymgal]

This whole conversation makes me sad! Maybe I live in a bubble, but our optional girls range from 8-18 and they get along beautifully! The big girls are sweet and terrific role models for the younger girls.

My dd is training lv 8 (age ranges 10-12) and they often train with the 9/10, who (for the most part) are significantly older than my dd. They are terrific with them! They have had outings and sleepovers with zero problems. My dd's group is that weird age. They are too old for the 8 year olds but too young for the 15+ group. They alternate with training with the 9/10 and with the young 7's. But no matter where you put them, they all get along.

Now, I'm not going to be naïve enough to think that the older girls are perfect. They are far more mature than my daughter, but they know what's appropriate to talk about around our girls.

having a group of younger girls with a group of older girls tends to work better than having just one younger girl with a group of older girls. The dynamics are different when there is just one. The girls tend to forget and begin talking at their level, which the younger girl often feels uncomfortable joining, so she keeps quiet and the circle begins - she feels out of place so she doesn't join in, then the older girls think she doesn't want to be a part of the conversation so they don't include her. It's not meant to be mean spirited, it is just the dynamics. This doesn't happen as much with a group of younger girls because they have each other and the the two groups have an easier time connecting

 

[sce]

My 8 year old doesn't have a phone but has an iPod (which has her floor music for gym). They group text on it and of course, I monitor but it's mostly gym related. Just the fact they included her on that was huge. It's going off constantly and when I ask what they're talking about, she laughs & says,"no idea! I can't read or type that fast!" Lol.

That's adorable!

 

[ascarter1]

having a group of younger girls with a group of older girls tends to work better than having just one younger girl with a group of older girls. The dynamics are different when there is just one. The girls tend to forget and begin talking at their level, which the younger girl often feels uncomfortable joining, so she keeps quiet and the circle begins - she feels out of place so she doesn't join in, then the older girls think she doesn't want to be a part of the conversation so they don't include her. It's not meant to be mean spirited, it is just the dynamics. This doesn't happen as much with a group of younger girls because they have each other and the the two groups have an easier time connecting

That's a good point!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

So... My daughter is level 6 this season. She just turned 9. She's the youngest in the group and is very short for her age, and almost all of the girls LV 6-9 are ranging from 11-16yr old. My dd is feeling left behind. She doesn't get invited to parties, they have groups (like, sleep over, matching Leo's,etc) that she is not part of. During break time, she sits with the girls in lower level. She has friends that are her own age but they didn't move up this year. There's 1 girl that is also lv6 that is 10 but she is very tall you would think she's 12. I feel like my daughter doesn't fit in. Or is being left out. As a mom, I feel bad. I don't know if I should talk to the coach and let my daughter repeat last years level so she has friends or just let her be... I'm lost...

Lv6-9 practices the same time.

Unfortunately,,,,, totally normal. teach her to be tough and never show your displeasure or frustration. Remember, If you don't love gymnastics without your friends, then you will eventually fail. Because in the end most of your friends will quit and if you are there for them so will you. Level 10 kids who graduate high school are the survivors of multiple groups, the few,,,, the proud... Drill that into your kid.

 

[lovemygymnast]

Unfortunately,,,,, totally normal. teach her to be tough and never show your displeasure or frustration. Remember, If you don't love gymnastics without your friends, then you will eventually fail. Because in the end most of your friends will quit and if you are there for them so will you. Level 10 kids who graduate high school are the survivors of multiple groups, the few,,,, the proud... Drill that into your kid.

I really agree with this!! The first time my dd moved up without friends, we were so afraid she would be sad and a little afraid, but she loved it! And with each passing year, more and more move gyms, move away or just quit. If she was there because of friends, she might've been done quite a while ago. We're happy she loves the sport and we are super happy to have the teammates she has now as well as the gym & coaches. It's been a huge blessing!!

I truly hope OP's dd figures out a way to get to know the older girls on her team but I would bet it's just going to take a little time for them all to get to know each other better.

 

[duyetanh]

Unfortunately,,,,, totally normal. the few,,,, the proud... Drill that into your kid.

Hey...that was my kid's line. She will be psyched when I tell her a coach used it! This said, the thought of her being a lvl 10 makes me hurl...

 

[Tuppy]

Just a flip side. My daughter has a younger mind set, so isn't interested in the same things. She doesn't like boy bands, or have any interest in boys yet as an example. She doesn't participate in group texts, because those conversations don't "fit" her. I'm not sure her teammates would be interested in her plushies. That said, everyone fits, everyone "talks", everyone is a friend when at practice. I think the exclusion may not be intentional. But I think there's a respect for each other. Everyone who is there has the commonality of the sport. I think the closeness takes time. It might take longer if she's more shy. So hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Alot of this is dynamics, things like the personality of the girls, how long they have all been together, actual age, social maturity or immaturity. Do they even go to the same school.

Change is hard, getting comfortable with people is hard, especially when there is an age gap. And an age gap is more significant in those tween-teen years. It just is.

And as usual, time. Time will help.

But this is a life lesson for your daughter. She needs to insert herself into the group. Role play with her if necessary. Hey what is the leo color for Friday. Hey how about we do Red, white and blue for the closing of the Olympics. Compliment I just love your xyz move, I hope I can do it as well some day.

Suggest ice cream or pizza meet up after a practice. Start with one kid..................

 

[Natasha]

Unfortunately,,,,, totally normal. teach her to be tough and never show your displeasure or frustration. Remember, If you don't love gymnastics without your friends, then you will eventually fail. Because in the end most of your friends will quit and if you are there for them so will you. Level 10 kids who graduate high school are the survivors of multiple groups, the few,,,, the proud... Drill that into your kid.

Yep. DD was youngest in her optional group for a few years. Now, several years later, she is the lone "older" girl, and is the only L10 and only girl who is old enough to drive herself to gym. She has had many changes throughout the years with the composition of her training groups. I have always encouraged her friendships outside of gym.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I have always encouraged her friendships outside of gym.

Very important as well.

 

[kimute]

My DD was 8 when she started training with our Optionals group, who were on average about 15. I think for a year, she spent time mostly with the one other little who was 9. Which was really nice to have. Now though she feels part of the whole group. She doesn't go to parties with them or anything, but at gym, she feels they are all close. There is some girl drama at her elementary school and I feel like her mixed aged friendships at gym are more consistent and have matured her.

 

[eucoach]

I would talk to the coach. IMO feeling comfortable in your training group is one of the most important things for a gymnast, therefore it is not a good situation when she is left out of things that are happening in the gym (matching leos, chatting during break time, etc.). The coach does not have to talk to the other girls about it but he/she can do a lot to improve team dynamics. What I do when I have to incorporate new + younger girls into my existing training group, is that I team up younger with older girls for conditioning or stretching exercises, play conditioning or skill games (f. ex. team 1 vs team 2) and pay very close attention to anyone being excluded.

If I were the coach I would also talk to the parents about sleepovers or birthday parties. I've had a talk with team parents before because I've had the situation of 2 girls (out of a group of 10) not being invited and it seriously disrupted team dynamics. IMO either all the girls should be invited or a small enough number so that the other girls do not feel so left out. Of course it's different with a significant age difference - in your daughter's case birthday parties and sleepovers with the team might not be in her immediate future, the situation at the gym however, should improve.