WAG Young optional left behind

[mOm2gymnast<3]

So... My daughter is level 6 this season. She just turned 9. She's the youngest in the group and is very short for her age, and almost all of the girls LV 6-9 are ranging from 11-16yr old. My dd is feeling left behind. She doesn't get invited to parties, they have groups (like, sleep over, matching Leo's,etc) that she is not part of. During break time, she sits with the girls in lower level. She has friends that are her own age but they didn't move up this year. There's 1 girl that is also lv6 that is 10 but she is very tall you would think she's 12. I feel like my daughter doesn't fit in. Or is being left out. As a mom, I feel bad. I don't know if I should talk to the coach and let my daughter repeat last years level so she has friends or just let her be... I'm lost...

Lv6-9 practices the same time.

 

[duyetanh]

Been there...Done that...and will probably be doing that for my dd's gym life. The next youngest optional in her group is 3 years older. She was the only one not invited to a 14 year olds bday party. I was honestly relieved. I knew the talk would be about things not appropriate for girls her age. I am sorry it is so hard, but I wouldn't recommend holding her back. I know social situations are hard, and luckily our team does have planned whole optional group activities which are nice. The way my dd looks at it, she is doing gymnastics for herself, not to be besties with her teammates. To be sure, she likes everyone and they all like her, and they can be counted on to cheer for each other and be loyal teammates. But she is a very intense child who knows what she wants, and she just doesn't view gym time as social fun time...for her it is work fun time. I guess I am lucky that way. I hope she finds her place soon. It did take some time for mine, and she had to learn to hold her own and speak up when necessary, which for a quiet child, was not easy. Good luck to her.

 

[gymgal]

• As long as she is enjoying the practices, let it be for now. Dd had a rough year where she moved up faster than her friends. She didn't quite fit in with the older girls, who weren't that much older in age but definitely in maturity. But she didn't quite fit in with her friends in the lower levels anymore either. I talked with her about it and she wanted to progress more than she wanted to be with her old friend so we kept her in the higher grouping. It took a while but gradually the other girls began including her more.

 

[raenndrops]

I agree with the others. Leave it for now. My YG was the youngest in the Optionals group at our gym by over a year. The oldest were in high school, but most were 12-14 and she was almost 10. Some of the girls would leave her out, but she did have a few girls that ended up including her - she was even invited to a friend's house after the team Christmas party. That girl was 3 years older than YG.
Of course, even though YG was the shortest and youngest, most people forgot exactly how young she was because she acted older (as in mature for her age).

It will all work out in the end. Let her progress at her pace. She has friends to play with on breaks. She will be fine

 

[coachmolly]

I would say let it go for the season, unless it's making her not want to go to the gym. I coach the lower level girls at my gym and there is an upper level girl who fits in much better with my girls. She practices with her team- and has fun and fits in fine- but when it's time for breaks, after practice celebrations, team parties, etc. she gravitates towards the lower level girls who are closer to her age. I actually love it because many of my girls are very intimidated by the upper level girls and this little one helps bridge that gap. So encourage her to keep those relationships with her lower level teammates, I'm sure some of them will head to optionals next season and be glad to have a friend to welcome them.

 

[GymDad9.9]

In gymnastics terms, your daughter is way ahead of the others. She should find some comfort in that.

 

[Committed]

Once school gets into gear, there won't be much time for sleepovers and parties.
I'm sure that with a little bit of time, she won't feel so left out. Plus, I'm assuming that her friends will join her next year as it is a 6-9 group.
Think of this more like a transition year

 

[vbdb]

In gymnastics terms, your daughter is way ahead of the others. She should find some comfort in that.

I can't let this go without saying something. It's a Terrible with a capital T idea to tell your young gymmie that she shouldn't feel bad because she's better than the other kids. She just might find in a year or two she's on a level playing field with those kids she's "ahead" of now.
To the OP it must be hard to see that your DD is a little out of place now. But I'll say that it's probably best she isn't included in the activities of the big girls. She really doesn't need to be exposed to conversations or social media they likely take part in.

 

[GymDad9.9]

I can't let this go without saying something. It's a Terrible with a capital T idea to tell your young gymmie that she shouldn't feel bad because she's better than the other kids. She just might find in a year or two she's on a level playing field with those kids she's "ahead" of now.
To the OP it must be hard to see that your DD is a little out of place now. But I'll say that it's probably best she isn't included in the activities of the big girls. She really doesn't need to be exposed to conversations or social media they likely take part in.

Just to be clear, I didn't say the child was better than the other girls and if that is how it came across my apologies. By virtue of being in the same place as them but a number of years younger, she has in fact achieved something special for herself that no one can take from her. And if her path or goal in gymnastics is to excel as best and as far as possible, perhaps that small nugget of personal accomplishment can help her get through the loneliness she is feeling right now.

 

[lovemygymnast]

I understand where you're coming from! I have an 8 year old L6. It is truly hard for them when they are so young but I think my dd has just gotten use to older girls. She's been the youngest every single level she's been on and also the smallest. I think old gym there was more of a disconnect between younger & older girls, but luckily, new gym girls include her in most things. Old gym would literally separate older from younger and they practiced that way, so I feel that encourages the separation in age & also, then you have this team that doesn't act like a team. I will say she's not always invited to parties or sleepovers for the older girls but that's probably the best for her anyway. I appreciate that they talk to her and encourage her. I'm sure your dd will soon see that her teammates are that way also eventually. But if you feel in your gut that it's better to hold her back, then mama always knows best. Good luck and I hope things change for her!

 

[duyetanh]

In gymnastics terms, your daughter is way ahead of the others. She should find some comfort in that.

When my dd moved up, she did....and she didnt. Its hard to explain, but i will try, and hopefully others can also chime in to assist my bungling. But the reason she didn't was because her old group for the most part was not psyched for her, and the new group viewed her as, first a joke, and then a threat. I think if the girls had been genuinely happy for her, it would have been much easier. As i said, she was met with hostility from girls in both groups once she moved...and while now she is accepted (albeit begrudgingly by some), she forgives, but doesn't forget. She would love to not be the youngest, and hopefully in a year this will change. She does not relish the role. We are very lucky in that she is a very focused child who does gym for herself, and does not view the place as entertainment or social time with chums. She has never really joined in the social banter, and more than one coach has commented to us that she is very determined....and I thank G** for that, because she has had to be once she moved groups, or she would definitely be lost in the shuffle.

The reason it has been good is it has MADE my mouse child speak up. She knows that it she doesnt, the pack of rats (for lack of a better description, lol) will run her over, and understandably so. If she is going to do well in an older optional group, she HAS to learn to hold her own, and stick up for herself when necessary (this was not as necessary in the old group). But to the OP, the last thing I would is have her move down. She needs to understand that if she wants to stay in this sport, and she continues advancing, that this is going to happen. It also happens in all aspects of life in terms of dealing with uncomfortable situations. Is it fun at first dealing with this? No! But does it get easier. Yes.
And my dd says congrats to your dd, she quoted....the few...the proud....lol.
Good luck to her!

 

[3rd_time_around]

When my dd moved up, she did....and she didnt. Its hard to explain, but i will try, and hopefully others can also chime in to assist my bungling. But the reason she didn't was because her old group for the most part was not psyched for her, and the new group viewed her as, first a joke, and then a threat. I think if the girls had been genuinely happy for her, it would have been much easier. As i said, she was met with hostility from girls in both groups once she moved...and while now she is accepted (albeit begrudgingly by some), she forgives, but doesn't forget. She would love to not be the youngest, and hopefully in a year this will change. She does not relish the role. We are very lucky in that she is a very focused child who does gym for herself, and does not view the place as entertainment or social time with chums. She has never really joined in the social banter, and more than one coach has commented to us that she is very determined....and I thank G** for that, because she has had to be once she moved groups, or she would definitely be lost in the shuffle.

The reason it has been good is it has MADE my mouse child speak up. She knows that it she doesnt, the pack of rats (for lack of a better description, lol) will run her over, and understandably so. If she is going to do well in an older optional group, she HAS to learn to hold her own, and stick up for herself when necessary (this was not as necessary in the old group). But to the OP, the last thing I would is have her move down. She needs to understand that if she wants to stay in this sport, and she continues advancing, that this is going to happen. It also happens in all aspects of life in terms of dealing with uncomfortable situations. Is it fun at first dealing with this? No! But does it get easier. Yes.
And my dd says congrats to your dd, she quoted....the few...the proud....lol.
Good luck to her!

When my daughter scored out of 7, her teammate cried bitterly, not because she would miss her, but because she wasn't the one moving up first. It's a weird balance in the gym of true friends, frenemies, and enemies. You'd love for them all to be supportive and encouraging, but they're not. I do find the older they get and the higher their level that a lot of that stuff drops off and they do become good teammates. "We're all in this together" kind of thing.

 

[bookworm]

[QUOTE="GAgymmom, post: 471028, member: 8744") It's a weird balance in the gym of true friends, frenemies, and enemies. You'd love for them all to be supportive and encouraging, but they're not. I do find the older they get and the higher their level that a lot of that stuff drops off and they do become good teammates. "We're all in this together" kind of thing.[/QUOTE]

************************************************************************************


This is so true, and I think, dependent on the actual personalities in any given gym. My oldest was the youngest in her optional group ( which, back in the day, was defined as level 8 and up) by 5 years when she was an 8 year old level 8 but to our original gym's credit, those optional girls did everything as a group....sleepovers, parties etc...and my daughter toted her booster seat that she would put into the back seat of one of the older girl's cars when they went to the movies, out to eat etc. They were a great group for the most part...and my daughter's best friend to this day, is one of the girls from that original group who was 5 years older than her!

That said, there were some rumbles along the way from folks that one would call "frenemies" because as my husband put it " others may be rooting for her but not always to win (i.e. against her)".

With the OP, I don't know that I'd say anything to the gym just yet...maybe as the season progresses, she will hopefully be included more.

 

[flippingtogether]

Just to be clear, I didn't say the child was better than the other girls and if that is how it came across my apologies. By virtue of being in the same place as them but a number of years younger, she has in fact achieved something special for herself that no one can take from her. And if her path or goal in gymnastics is to excel as best and as far as possible, perhaps that small nugget of personal accomplishment can help her get through the loneliness she is feeling right now.

I'll add my 2 cents to this one, based on my growing experience in the sport.....it is a great habit to have parent nor child NEVER compare a gymnast to others. It is a no-win situation - times might be good for a while and the gymnast might be "ahead" compared to others, but it will happen equally frequently over time that the gymnast feels "behind", and comparing herself to others will make her feel not confident, unmotivated, and very (VERY) frustrated. So, to completely eliminate the idea of comparison from the sport entirely is a great habit to get into early on. There are other ways to feel good about one's current place in the sport - just not thru comparison. As someone once said, "comparison is the thief of joy."

I point this out as I have learned this over time, and DD has mastered this idea of no-comparison and it has made her MUCH happier about her sport. I know the intentions are good to compare in many circumstances, but really, just stay away.

[Look at Aly in the Olympics - she is doing a FANTASTIC job of not comparing herself to Simone, as we all certainly know if she did it would just make her feel bad bad - she is instead focusing on herself and her own self-improvement. THAT is what this sport is all about! ]

 

[ascarter1]

So... My daughter is level 6 this season. She just turned 9. She's the youngest in the group and is very short for her age, and almost all of the girls LV 6-9 are ranging from 11-16yr old. My dd is feeling left behind. She doesn't get invited to parties, they have groups (like, sleep over, matching Leo's,etc) that she is not part of. During break time, she sits with the girls in lower level. She has friends that are her own age but they didn't move up this year. There's 1 girl that is also lv6 that is 10 but she is very tall you would think she's 12. I feel like my daughter doesn't fit in. Or is being left out. As a mom, I feel bad. I don't know if I should talk to the coach and let my daughter repeat last years level so she has friends or just let her be... I'm lost...

Lv6-9 practices the same time.

This whole conversation makes me sad! Maybe I live in a bubble, but our optional girls range from 8-18 and they get along beautifully! The big girls are sweet and terrific role models for the younger girls.

My dd is training lv 8 (age ranges 10-12) and they often train with the 9/10, who (for the most part) are significantly older than my dd. They are terrific with them! They have had outings and sleepovers with zero problems. My dd's group is that weird age. They are too old for the 8 year olds but too young for the 15+ group. They alternate with training with the 9/10 and with the young 7's. But no matter where you put them, they all get along.

Now, I'm not going to be naïve enough to think that the older girls are perfect. They are far more mature than my daughter, but they know what's appropriate to talk about around our girls.


Best wishes for your dd and this situation.

 

[Gymmonkeymomma]

My younger dd was a 9/10 year old level 7, back when optionals were 7-10, and the next kid close to her age was my older dd who was 13, with the rest of the girls being 14-18. Maybe it's her personality, but she did not mind and I was relieved to not have her included in their conversations, social outings, etc. it's not fair to YD nor the older girls, there is just too big of a mental gap outside of gymnastics. Other than the coach sometimes reminding the older girls that certain conversation may not be "appropriate for practice", there really was little to be done. The older girls didn't go out of their way to exclude her, I saw it as any plans outside of practice time was done as a peer group, not a team outing.

There were team activities (all levels) where she did have team friends her own age. The whole team practiced at the same time so during breaks, she chatted with friends.

That said, maybe your dd could say to one of the girls that she'd like to be part of matching Leo day and maybe one of their moms could let you know for the next one.

 

[sce]

A couple things. First can you invite the 10yo teammate to do some fun things? Fostering that friendship I imagine would help. As well, I agree about her asking to be included with the in the gym stuff like matching leos. She will need to speak up to show she wants to be included. Be aware though that it may be an issue of having/not having a phone. My dd's teamed text each other about those sorts of things.

 

[duyetanh]

A couple things. First can you invite the 10yo teammate to do some fun things? Fostering that friendship I imagine would help. As well, I agree about her asking to be included with the in the gym stuff like matching leos. She will need to speak up to show she wants to be included. Be aware though that it may be an issue of having/not having a phone. My dd's teamed text each other about those sorts of things.

Yes on the phone thing. My 8 year old just doesn't need one. And she is the only one on her optional team that doesn't have one (yes she has let me know, rofl).

 

[Gymmonkeymomma]

Having your dd speak up will go further than having you call the coach or another parent. (Speaking from experience on both sides now that my YD is one of the older girls).

 

[profmom]

I am in the position of being the owner and operator of one child who's the oldest in a group and one who's the second youngest. The oldest has cheerfully taken on kind of a group mom role, helping the younger girls to stay focused and positive even when things aren't going well. The second youngest is pretty outgoing but has a lot of respect for his older teammates, and they're not shy about telling him when he's allowed to pal around with them and when he has to butt out. Things did get a little easier for him last fall when his best friend -- the youngest in the group now -- moved up to join him. The funny thing now is to watch him when he works down a group occasionally, as he takes on the mentorship role his older teammates were playing with him last year.

Over the years with all the group configuration changes I've seen, my experience has been that it can take an introverted kid as long as two months to get settled in a new group. I'll just repeat my usual caution that past performance doesn't always predict future results in this sport, so whatever you tell a young gymnast who's progressing quickly through the levels, leave a little room to help the athlete feel good