Parents Coaches comments and competitive parents

[SGMOM]

Here, our typical competition season is August - December for compulsories. The optionals compete in the Spring, and some of those meets are invitationals that include compulsories. These Spring meets are not part of our normal season, but our gym gives gymnasts the option of doing them for fun, if they want. If ready, they can even compete at the next level up in the Spring.

Anyway, my daughter and her buddy decided they wanted to try a couple of these Spring meets. They competed up a level, and to my shock did well. This is my concern (names changed):

After the second meet, my daughter's coach tells me that since Amy and Betsy both competed well, are near the same age (7), that they will be "pitted against" one another. In other words, the coach wants to intentionally create rivalry between the girls. The girls are currently the best of friends.

After practice, I hear our coach talking to Cathy and her mom. Cathy is beginning her second year at this level. The coach tells Cathy's mom that Amy and Betsy have already scored better in every event than Cathy did in her whole first season. Cathy is going to need lots of private lessons if she wants to compete with them.

I've already expressed my opinion that I do not like the idea of a created rivalry between Amy and Betsy. The other child's parents also do not like the idea.

Further, it just seems like I read so many complaints here about other gym parents watching their kid, comparing scores, feeling the need to take weekly privates to get ahead. I know that the coaches tend to think all of the gym parents are crazy, but I'm begining to wonder if the gym made the parents crazy.

Am I being too sensitive? I'm thinking that this type of rivalry will be bad, but maybe it's a normal thing?

 

[wallinbl]

Are there other gyms in your area? It's the conversation with Cathy's mom that concerns me, unless the mom was inquiring about how Cathy could be behind Amy & Betsy.

 

[cbone]

I don't like it, but I'm so new that my opinion means little. I think that this creates a situation where the girls are fighting each other rather than helping each other. Being competitive is normal. My daughter admitted to being a little jealous of other girls when they do well, but having a coach driving it inside the gym is insane to me. Gymnast are self-motivated; they'll see others' success and work toward it without a coach creating a rift in the team.

 

[flippysmom]

Our gym will group girls of similar ability together because the coach says that some skills are "contagious ". She finds that if 2-3 girls have moved through the levels together that they will realize that "if Suzie can get her kip then I can too".

My dd and her bff have been paired together this way and it has been very effective; however, it is very important that the competition is healthy. The coach watches very closely to make sure that it doesn't get ugly. I communicate regularly with the other gymnast's Mom to make sure that things stay positive and they have. When one of the girls gets a new skills or perfects something the first thing that they do is run to hug each other.

I agree with your hesitation, I felt the same way. The only difference in our situation is that the coach approached the parents and explained that she had noticed a healthy competition and friendship forming and that she would keep the girls together as training partners because of it, she didn't try to create competition.

The one thing that I have found to be 100% true in the world of gymnastics is that you know your child and you should trust your instincts. If you feel like this type of competition would not be healthy for your dd (or her friends Mom feels like it wouldn't be healthy for her dd) I would approach the coach for clarification and to share your concerns.

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[Deleted member D3987]

toxic culture is what that is.

 

[notjustgym]

IF your DD is "in it" for the long haul, she is going to need her teammate for support in the upcoming years. Creating rivalry, animosity and tension is a recipe for disaster.

 

[skschlag]

Even though gymnastics is an individual sport, it is also a team sport. THe kids should be encouraged to be a part of a team, not competing against their team. I think the kids will push each other naturally, and in a healthy way. The way teh coach presented it is not healthy.

I told my son once, in teh "early days" m when he started level 5, that it would be tougher because he would be competing against a,b,c (I named 3 kids on his team that were 2nd/3rd year level 5). I wanted him to be aware of the tougher competition. His reply was, "no I'm not mom, we are on a team" (still gives me goosebumps.)

This coach is not creating this culture. In addition, the thought that a kid "needs privates" to "catch up" really bothers me. Kids progress at different rates, and that is ok.

 

[AlwaysCuriousMom]

Off the bat, I'm questioning the competence of the coach... only because it seems weird that the gymmies have the "option" of competing in the spring.... and can compete a level up "if they choose to." You mean the coach doesn't dictate what level is safe for each gymnast at any given time???! And the fact that she mentioned the rivalry... I mean, even if some coaches use that as a training method, it's not something that's actually said and announced. Weird. Reminds me of DDs very first gym... Eek!

 

[Pickle's Mom]

Our gym will group girls of similar ability together because the coach says that some skills are "contagious ". She finds that if 2-3 girls have moved through the levels together that they will realize that "if Suzie can get her kip then I can too".

Pickle's gym does that too, and it is meant to be encouraging, not pitting against one another. So, when they were all littlies, it was more like "when everyone gets their backwalkover, we will have a popsicle party." Now that they are older, it's just about cheering for one another. For example, one L6 girl really struggled with her flyaway (for something like 6 months). When she finally got it, the entire gym erupted in cheers.

Rivalries exist of course, but I have never seen them intentionally produced by the coaches.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

Okay, this is wrong on so many level.
1. Poor "Cathy" enduring the conversation where she is compared to other gymnasts in front of other people by her coach just because she needs to repeat a level.
2. How will you create a team in this fashion?
3. How will you create good sportsmanship, team pride, etc etc? How will you create good, productive, well adjusted kids from this environment?
4. Do the coaches care at all that they are dealing with children first (gymnasts second)? Positive encouragement between two good friends can be so powerful, so much more so than negative rivalry.
5. I think this coach is nuts, and I hope he/she finds a new career soon.

In this case, the gym is definitely making the parents nuts. I feel really bad for Cathy and her mom.

 

[txgymfan]

I would have a conversation about your concerns with the coach and the Head Coach. Tell them about how you are trying to encourage your daughters to be friends and teammates. You may also say that you would appreciate it if the coach did not discuss your dd's progress with teammates and thier parents. See what they say.

 

[UnoMas]

Nothing good can come of this. Been there (or at least somewhere similar), done that. I'm not sure if your coach is receptive to feedback and/or questions, but if you are comfortable with talking to the coach, I would speak up about the being "pitted against" each other for sure. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

[niklum]

Wow! That's concerning! My dd and her bff got their back handsprings the same day due to friendly competition and they egged each other on through level 4 and 5. It was such a great, healthy relationship that they loved it. I really liked it when her bff was in another age group because they could compare scores and skills without comparing trophies. They didn't like getting different places in the same age group because then the competition wasn't as friendly - they both love to win, but they're friends first, so they were always encouraging. Once we moved and my dd moved to level 6 and 7 in quick succession, though, her bff lost interest in the sport and felt like less of a gymnast without dd there to push her on. It was kind of weird, but she's a sweet kid. We, as coaches, never encouraged competition among our team mates, though, unless it was friendly. We always reminded the girls that we were a team and that teams work together. I don't like coaches fostering nastiness in the gym. It's stressful for the kids and it actually makes it harder to coach a group of kids who are at each other's throats.

 

[gymmomtoo]

I just can't picture how the coach thinks this attitude is going to create a team--a bunch of individuals set on beating out their teammates, sure, but a team?? Does he/she not realize that having teammates pushes you to achieve more when they cheer you on--and they're there to help you when you're having a tough day. Intentionally creating rivalry between them is just stupid! I don't recommend moving gyms alot, but I'd definitely be looking elsewhere.

 

[gymgal]

Well, it really us hard to know where the coach is coming from without hearing the tone. Ex. "pitted against" could mean what you took it as or it could just mean they will be in he same age division and will be fighting for the same spots on he podium, which would be true. As for Cathy, did you hear the whole conversation? It could be that the parent/child asked how well she would do this year in competitions. Or it could be she's not very motivated andthe coach felt this might motivate her to try harder. It's just hard to know without all the facts. If you have had previous questions about the coaching style being too competitive, then I certainly would speak with the coach for clarification. But if otherwise I would give the coach he benefit of he doubt that he didn't convey his message quite as well as he might have wanted to and take a wait/see approach.

 

[gymboymom]

I too really hope that this was meant as friendly competition, and not the way it was interpreted. All my kids do best in their sports, etc, with a little friendly competition. If it wasn't meant this way, I would be quite concerned about a toxic environment.

 

[iwannacoach]

Here, our typical competition season is August - December for compulsories. The optionals compete in the Spring, and some of those meets are invitationals that include compulsories. These Spring meets are not part of our normal season, but our gym gives gymnasts the option of doing them for fun, if they want. If ready, they can even compete at the next level up in the Spring.

Anyway, my daughter and her buddy decided they wanted to try a couple of these Spring meets. They competed up a level, and to my shock did well. This is my concern (names changed):

After the second meet, my daughter's coach tells me that since Amy and Betsy both competed well, are near the same age (7), that they will be "pitted against" one another. In other words, the coach wants to intentionally create rivalry between the girls. The girls are currently the best of friends.

After practice, I hear our coach talking to Cathy and her mom. Cathy is beginning her second year at this level. The coach tells Cathy's mom that Amy and Betsy have already scored better in every event than Cathy did in her whole first season. Cathy is going to need lots of private lessons if she wants to compete with them.

I've already expressed my opinion that I do not like the idea of a created rivalry between Amy and Betsy. The other child's parents also do not like the idea.

Further, it just seems like I read so many complaints here about other gym parents watching their kid, comparing scores, feeling the need to take weekly privates to get ahead. I know that the coaches tend to think all of the gym parents are crazy, but I'm begining to wonder if the gym made the parents crazy.

Am I being too sensitive? I'm thinking that this type of rivalry will be bad, but maybe it's a normal thing?

Go talk to the coach with the understanding that he cares about the children and should be receptive to any sound advice you may offer about mentoring children. If I had to guess I'd say this coach either is young and/or has never guided children of his own through this sport. If that is the case he probably needs this dissusion with you. So do him/her a favor by setting up a time to tell him how much your daughter's gymnastics experience means to her, and you are thankful for that. Once that's been said move directly into the subject of motivating by building enthusiasm for achievement. I speak from personal experience and I had the same sort of conversation probably more than once, but the last one finally did sink in and it led to new discoveries about how to motivate children. To this day (30ish years later) I thank the wonderful brave woman that opened my eyes with respect to motivation. There is always the possibility that you misunderstood his intentions, but as a parent you are allowed to be concerned. These concerns need to be taken care of so you can be the best gym parent and mom possible.
Last of all... the coach may just be too self centered to see the kids for what they are, and is only concerned about HIS reputaion as a top coach. When coaches are like this, and I believe very few are, progress, progress, and more progress and if the kids can't handle it they can either get used to it or figure out where the door is. This is an extreme attitude that may work for a while with most kids, but may only work long term for a few (think 1 in 10). I love progress but feel it has to come from the child and to make my point I'd like you to imagine a gym with ony a handfull of properly motivated gymnasts but no coach. If left alone but kept safe most of these kids will learn gymnastics. Now take the same gym and load it with the best coaches in the country but not a single motivated gymnast. In my mind the gym with the handful of motivated gymnasts will produce long term gymnasats that make progress while the gym full of the best coaches flounders.