Parents A question for parents of optionals...

[cbifoja]

Right now, the only CGM that we have is a compulsory mom. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is just beaming with pride. Now what gets annoying is that she's a bit of a know it all but like many know it alls, doesn't realize that she DOESN'T know it all. I cringe when I hear her tell another parent the wrong thing! I really did almost giggle when I overheard her "correcting" a very seasoned coach. That's my signal to back away slowly......

 

[l.c.o]

Munchkin's post reminded me that sometimes it's not even CGMs, it's just idiot parents. Sometimes my DH with say the most asinine thing to one of our kids while trying to be funny and falls hopelessly flat. They're so ridiculous I can't even think of an example at the moment.

That said, DD is just graduating from compulsories this weekend, and the parents in her group for the most part are pretty ok, but it DEFINITELY exists at every level. I've witnessed it and these are not even people I see often.

 

[aerials]

In our old gym some of the optional CGM's were the worst of the entire gym. However they are much better at hiding it, particularly to the owners and coaches. During one of our practices there was a level 8 crying on the phone with her mom because her mom signed her up for a 3 hour private, she was starting hour 3 and wanted to go home. This was in addition to the 20 hours of practice she had that week. They don't show their crazy as much but they do seem to try to manipulate the coaches more. They also were mostly not nice to us compulsory moms, I think they felt free to show their CGM to us because we were just "compulsories" and therefore insignificant. They complained about our girls using the floor/bars/coaches ect (during their girls privates and our practice session), they mostly complained that our girls existed. lol Now that my dd is in optionals I make sure to be extra nice to the compulsory parents especially those who are brand new.

 

[duyetanh]

In our old gym some of the optional CGM's were the worst of the entire gym. However they are much better at hiding it, particularly to the owners and coaches. During one of our practices there was a level 8 crying on the phone with her mom because her mom signed her up for a 3 hour private, she was starting hour 3 and wanted to go home. This was in addition to the 20 hours of practice she had that week. They don't show their crazy as much but they do seem to try to manipulate the coaches more. They also were mostly not nice to us compulsory moms, I think they felt free to show their CGM to us because we were just "compulsories" and therefore insignificant. They complained about our girls using the floor/bars/coaches ect (during their girls privates and our practice session), they mostly complained that our girls existed. lol Now that my dd is in optionals I make sure to be extra nice to the compulsory parents especially those who are brand new.

OMG...a THREE hour private?
That is insane.
I can understand a choreography session going awhile...but geez.
And yes, I too am friendly to everyone, because darn it, I was there. And it was not always pretty my daughter's first year of gym in terms of how the CGP's treated both her and myself. So I rose above it, and luckily now the optional parents are great. Whew.

 

[Ausi_poppet]

Reading this thread is just plain depressing!

I sometimes wonder if people think I've got the crazy bug... This sport just seems to suck the whole family into a vortex and all you seem to talk about is that injury, or you hold off booking a holidays until the training schedule comes out for the break, you find yourself studying up on A, B and C skills....

The one thing I've noticed about the senior or optional levels is that the kids do more hours and gym takes up more of their life, and that means if something's not right it's probably related to gymnastics. Plus they're starting to go through puberty, so instead of having friendship fallouts at school or fights with their siblings, it seems happen in their training team.

I try to be nice to everyone and spread myself around when I do stay to watch, but I've also found that you can't control what other's think of you or your daughter. There are many days where I have to tell myself, "just walk away, it's not me, it's them". Thankfully, I haven't seen anyone direct this towards my daughter, just me, and I feel like that's part of my job as a gym mum.

But I think I'm going to dedicate 2016 to being nice.

 

[Gymmommy71]

There are a lot less crazy parents at the optional levels IMO. I had commented on why I think this is in another post - but I feel a lot of the gym parent behavior that we call "craziness" stems from insecurity, and there is just a lot less insecurity by the time a kid has reached optionals in most cases. I also think the culture at the gym plays into how crazy/intense parents get - gyms that focus a lot on who placed or scored higher than the rest of their teammates are bound to create a lot more crazy parents than ones who do not. I can often get a sense of which gyms promote internal competitiveness as a part of their culture just by the behavior of their parents at meets.

 

[munchkin3]

Yes! Time has a lot to do with it.....we have all made mistakes when the kids just started in gymnastics......but one thing that is very important is making an effort to have a good parent environment. That was my point about trying to help newer, or parents with bad habits to take a different approach. Most parents really want the best for our kids, and most have the ability to see when their own interests are hurting our children......that's what friends are for, and this creates a good environment to support Each other's kids, and the whole team.

I have run into a few that have no hope. The ones that just don't see it, or count the turns, or only focus on their kid, and constantly talk to the coach.......make the kid practice at home.....and its never good enough........it is very sad to see a young kid in this situation.

Our job as parents is extremely important. We must support our kid through this very tough sport, watch them fall, cry, hurt and eventually, persevere, conquer, and maybe even win......but that is THEIR experience.......what a gift to be able to watch it happen......
I like to say my job is to feed her, get her there on time, pay, and take her to the meets.....then hug her, tell her I'm proud of her.....that's it.....but I know I'm oversimplifying it.....especially when they hit 12!

 

[profmom]

In my experience, there are fewer crazy parents in optionals, but the remaining ones are playing an entirely different level of crazy. The crazy parents of compulsories generally either settle down or make their children so miserable that they quit.

Trying to think of whether I know any parents who were pretty chill when their kids were compulsories but got crazy later. Maybe one comes to mind.

 

[flippin out]

There are a lot less crazy parents at the optional levels IMO. I had commented on why I think this is in another post - but I feel a lot of the gym parent behavior that we call "craziness" stems from insecurity, and there is just a lot less insecurity by the time a kid has reached optionals in most cases. I also think the culture at the gym plays into how crazy/intense parents get - gyms that focus a lot on who placed or scored higher than the rest of their teammates are bound to create a lot more crazy parents than ones who do not. I can often get a sense of which gyms promote internal competitiveness as a part of their culture just by the behavior of their parents at meets.

This ^^. We recently moved to a gym that places a LOT of importance on ranking the girls by performance. Parents seem more passive-aggressive toward kids with same grad year too. It's dog-eat-dog.....if your kid may be up to take a scholarship spot away from their dd, well....you get my drift. As for meets, not sure I can sit with them, I want to enjoy watching my kid do what she loves....not stress about whether a parent is secretly wishing my kid do worse than theirs.

 

[GymmieC]

This ^^. We recently moved to a gym that places a LOT of importance on ranking the girls by performance. Parents seem more passive-aggressive toward kids with same grad year too. It's dog-eat-dog.....if your kid may be up to take a scholarship spot away from their dd, well....you get my drift. As for meets, not sure I can sit with them, I want to enjoy watching my kid do what she loves....not stress about whether a parent is secretly wishing my kid do worse than theirs.

That is so unfortunate, but you speak the truth. Root for all; no matter what we get out of it. This is a kid's sport. I have seen what you mention, and I have to say it really saddens me.

 

[Gymmommy71]

Yeah - a sign that a gym is internally competitive is that very few of the parents sit together at meets. I've even sat near and overheard parents from these types of gyms reacting to scores, etc. in ways that it's clear that it's all about how they perform compared to those that are the same age at their same gym, and that all the other gyms/girls at the meet are just meaningless. Like its a lot more important to them that their kid beats so and so from their own gym, than it is that they beat anyone from another team. That would be a though environmeet to put up w/ long term IMO, but I will say that gym's like these normally do have very high scoring gymnasts.

 

[duyetanh]

This ^^. We recently moved to a gym that places a LOT of importance on ranking the girls by performance. Parents seem more passive-aggressive toward kids with same grad year too. It's dog-eat-dog.....if your kid may be up to take a scholarship spot away from their dd, well....you get my drift. As for meets, not sure I can sit with them, I want to enjoy watching my kid do what she loves....not stress about whether a parent is secretly wishing my kid do worse than theirs.

Omg this! At her last meet, even my dh knew this one fam was not pulling for our child...it sucked.

 

[flippin out]

Omg this! At her last meet, even my dh knew this one fam was not pulling for our child...it sucked.

Funny how DHs pick up on that stuff pretty quickly. Mine met most parents at last meet and walked away warning me "better watch your back around that one". He overheard them make a snide comment about dd winning

 

[meganliz77]

I recall after one of DD's meets last year, a dad of one of her teammates could not stop comparing his DD to my DD --- right in front of her. It was honestly awful. We cheer on ALL of the girls, and even some of the girls we have gotten accustomed to seeing at meets from gyms not too far away. As we were leaving I told DD's teammate that she did an awesome job and her dad quickly stated, "yeah, but not near as good as (insert my DD's name)'s performance today!" That little girl happened to quit this summer, namely because she never had her father's support. She was a talented gymnast at the 3 and 4 levels, and likely would have done well going on. The last day of practice they were saying their goodbyes... I told them that I was bummed to see them leave the gym and commented on what a great little gymnast she was. The dad's reply - right in front of his daughter?! "Yeah, but she's no (insert my DD's name again)". How SAD.

I know my DD stands out a bit - I have parents that know me simply because I am DD's mom.... so I go out of my way to be genuinely nice to everyone. These girls are ultimately all teammates and friends, and I want to support ALL of them, not just DD.

Lucky for us or gym doesn't promote internal competitiveness. There are few CGP's out there...( and sometimes I get crazy looks from other moms, because I have come here to understand this sport a bit more)... but for the most part we have a good group. DD is moving to optionals next week - I am hopeful that group of parents will be similar to the experience we have had in compulsories.

 

[Empowered]

I know parents of kids in college who are still beyond crazy. I don't know where they find the energy to care so much.

I have proposed I should get to drop my kid at her coach's house at the start of season and have her returned to me at the end. Just bring home a DVD and I'll be good.

By level 10, the sport is just painful. Highs, lows, injuries, pain, stress. Glad my kid loves it, but it's hard not to check out at the point. Parents who are still mental just baffle me.

 

[B.Gold]

Here's what I don't understand... there is not a single gymnast in this whole world that can take an ounce of talent away from any other gymnast ever. But if your dd is unequivocally "the best" in a gym... Or work out group... Or whatever...who and what does she model from? Who does she achieve to "catch". Why don't these parents understand these gymnast pull each other up? They feed off each other and they make each other better. I think a parent should worry when their child is " beating " everyone in the gym. Just my two cents....

 

[cbifoja]

MeganLiz, your story reminded me of a similar story at our gym. When my DD was an old L5, she struggled as she had skipped a level. It was unusual for her to contribute to team score because her team was pretty big. We went to a fly away meet so not everyone could go. As a result, my DD had a strong enough meet that she finally contributed to team score and she was so proud. Our team still finished low....like 7th or 8th....and one of the moms said in front of my DD and me that if her DD hadn't been injured and we had been able to use her DD's score, our team would have placed higher. I just let that statement hang in the air and then asked her if she seriously just said that. She at least had the decency to be embarrassed and apologize.

 

[wgymmom]

I don't know, because nobody talks to us!

 

[Sasha]

Here's what I don't understand... there is not a single gymnast in this whole world that can take an ounce of talent away from any other gymnast ever.

It's the way of the world to forge battles over limited resources. Water, food, land, gold..... Gyms, by nature, have limited resources in the way of coaching, and the sport has limited spots in elite camps and such... It may manifest as only so many in the "A" practice group with the super-awesome coach, or the TOPS group, or the developmental camp...or only so many slots at a particular competition level, etc., etc. And certainly, at some point, only a limited number of scholarships ($$$) or even walk on slots to fulfill a long-fought dream....

So while I don't condone bad behavior and wishing ill upon others, I can understand and forgive much of the crazy feelings. I think it has to be hardest for those whose child is just one or two steps away from the 'A' experience, so to speak, and so are weak to the temptation to wish some others would perhaps suddenly get their share of struggles or move to Antarctica Again, not condoning, just trying to walk in the shoes.

 

[B.Gold]

It's the way of the world to forge battles over limited resources. Water, food, land, gold..... Gyms, by nature, have limited resources in the way of coaching, and the sport has limited spots in elite camps and such... It may manifest as only so many in the "A" practice group with the super-awesome coach, or the TOPS group, or the developmental camp...or only so many slots at a particular competition level, etc., etc. And certainly, at some point, only a limited number of scholarships ($$$) or even walk on slots to fulfill a long-fought dream....

So while I don't condone bad behavior and wishing ill upon others, I can understand and forgive much of the crazy feelings. I think it has to be hardest for those whose child is just one or two steps away from the 'A' experience, so to speak, and so are weak to the temptation to wish some others would perhaps suddenly get their share of struggles or move to Antarctica Again, not condoning, just trying to walk in the shoes.

Always good to try to walk in other's shoes but sadly, then these people are viewing this issue from a scarcity mentality, and limiting themseves terribly... Why not come from the perspective of abundance?

We're discussing gymnasts who are in optionals... Think of all the abundance of opportunities these girls have already been afforded to have reached this level...presumably, good coaching, good conditioning, decent facilities, adequate family resources.... Etc

When a person comes from a place of scarcity it's limiting. Coming from a paradigm where there's plenty of pie to go around frees you up to be happy for others' success, and others' successes makes your gymnast better.

If you stand back, and realistically evaluate your gymmie, and you truly believe they are being "held back" because of a lack of resources.... Then do the research and find the environment where resouces are less scarce...... Focus on what you can control, and what best serves your child; DON'T take it out on another child, or the parents, this will never, ever make your kid better. And it's modeling awful behavior for the development of your own child.

If first place is your measure of success, than yes those are scarce an you'll be disappointed, statistically, nearly every single time. But if sticking a vault landing for the first time, is your measure.....then this has a higher potential for abundance, and it allows you to open up your heart to be kind, and to be happy for the other gymnasts who stick their landings too...