Parents Am I overprotective?

[profmom]

If you are genuinely concerned about abuse of children, particularly sexual abuse, put your energy into the foster care system in your area. A child in foster care is many, many, many more times likely to suffer sexual abuse than a child working out at a local gymnastics academy, is less likely to be believed when s/he reports it, and will probably be less able to get help afterward.

 

[DefiniteMaybe]

While we're on this subject:
I know of a convicted sex offender attending meets just to watch. Whether or not he had access to my child, I'm not comfortable with him watching her in a leotard. That is seriously creepy to me.
Also, several years ago, a convicted sex offender was seen lurking around our local YMCA.
As well, I know of two specific incidents where a child was molested or raped in a public restroom (one was a fast food restaurant and the other a sporting good store).
I hear of these types of incidents often, and they do color my thinking.
OP's original concern seems very reasonable to me considering the unfortunate truth that many people are not safe. And unsafe people find a way to be near children. So, a strange man watching practice? My initial reaction would probably be red flags. However, if I knew he was a friend of the dad, and Dad was just proud of his daughter, I'm sure that would ease my mind.

I really appreciate OP's sensitivity to how this situation might make other parents feel. Life experiences and information you've received will inevitably affect how you view this situation.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

This statement surprises me as I have always assumed quite the opposite. But then, I don't work in social work so I realize that your experience is likely more comprehensive than mine. I'm not challenging your expertise but out of simple curiosity, do you have some general statistics.

I vacillate on this topic. The statistics seem to show that our children are most likely to be molested by someone in our social circle/family so my first reaction to the OP's post was similar to many others here: OP is overreacting; that the idea of a stranger being a danger to a young girl in an environment like a gym seems far-fetched.

But I don't mind admitting that I notice when strangers show up in our gym. We are a small gym and as much as I am at the gym, I generally have an idea of who is typically there at different times. When a stranger shows up to take a kid, it does make me pay a little more attention.

What I'm embarrassed to admit is that I wish that it didn't bother me when a certain father at our gym talks about my daughter's body and points her out to some of the other fathers in the gym. I honestly believe he is just admiring her muscle tone as an attribute to success in this sport, but when I hear him talking about her to other men, for some reason, it bothers me. I don't know if that's a rational response or not, but I'm just going to throw it out there and own it.

Now THIS would bother me for sure! It's very odd for a man to comment on a child's body to me. I know he probably means the muscle tone like you said but it would still make me feel highly uncomfortable.

OP I can't say for sure how I would feel in your situation. The only friend my hubby really hangs out with is his brother (dd's uncle) and if he accompanied him to watch dd I would be perfectly ok with that, but he's family so that's different. I don't think you really have to worry about the other parents though, they will probably assume that he is related to your dd in some way and won't think twice about him being there. A random man no one recognizes there alone yes, but one that is accompanying a dad shouldn't raise any red flags with the other families.

I think when you are a mother irrational fears are going to make their way into your thoughts sometimes. This is of course even worse if you have a past bad experience yourself. I've always been leary of male coaches. I know it's completely irrational and that a lot of times men make some of the best gymnastics coaches b/c of their ability to spot the more difficult skills, etc but it brings out my over protective side. Now I don't think I would vocalize my feelings, and if our gym decided to bring in a male coach I think I would certainly adjust to the idea but yes at first I would probably be uncomfortable.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/registry.htm

Way to search offenders in your area.

 

[profmom]

Just keep in mind that standards vary WILDLY from state to state as to who is labeled a sex offender. Not everyone who is required to register as a sex offender is the stereotypical stranger with a huge collection of child porn on his computer. Furthermore, the predatory stranger stereotype diverts attention from the more significant threat posed to children by abusive family members or close friends.

We've had this conversation before and I stand by what I said then: protecting children from exploitation should first and foremost involve giving them the psychological and emotional tools to defend their own bodily autonomy. I do pay attention to who comes and goes in the gym and would have questions about anyone who didn't appear to be attached to a particular child, but I'm also very aware that I won't be around to peer suspiciously at the guy who's pressing my daughter -- or sons -- to accept drinks at parties during their first years in college. And unfortunately, it's that guy who's the real threat in most cases.

 

[duyetanh]

And sadly, maybe you should have. My 13yo ds seems to garner the attention of the moms in the viewing area, I know because some aren't afraid to tell me. Seriously people, that's my little boy!
?

Ok that is just gross. Ick.

 

[raenndrops]

Okay, thanks everyone. I guess my experiences as a child make me a little more paranoid than I thought. Sorry I offended everyone. It really was an honest attempt to ask if I was was overreacting and I guess I was. I don't hate men or think they're all creepy, I was just trying to be sensitive to other parents. Thanks again, for your help.

Being sensitive to the other parents feelings is not a bad thing. Just know that if he were to go with your husband and somebody was concerned, they would probably say something to him or your husband - to see who he was / why he was there.

Our gym has had prospective parents come in to observe - if it is because of a relocation, often it is the father that moves here first... so he comes in alone and watches practice. They usually don't say anything unless someone talks to them first... I tend to talk to strangers at the gym... I can find out about them - what brings them to the gym, if they have rec and/or team gymnasts, levels, etc.
The ones that are seriously considering our gym ask lots of questions about time, costs, levels we have... all the important stuff.

 

[AndieRose]

The OP is quite right to bring this up for discussion, it shows she is mindful of other people's feelings, even if her fears of what other parents may think are groundless , the world has sadly changed and not for the better

How many of us has ever wondered if there is any person (make or female) viewing whose intentions are not honerable? I will be honest and will say I haven't given it a single thought at all until I read this thread.

I am putting my trust into our gym clubs safeguarding and welfare policies and procedures and don't want to think of the other side of things.

Sometimes the unthinkable happens, in my home town a man was caught exposing / pleasuring himself in front of a children's nursery / day care centre in daylight during operational hours a few months ago . These events are rare but sadly do happen.

You're right! It's horrible to have to think like this, but it is the world we live in. I don't know where you live, but in the US, we have Megan's law websites where you can look up your area and see the sex offenders that live there. It is SHOCKING to see how many live within a given mile of any location. In my defense, I check it every few months and I have yet to see one woman on the site. Sorry, it's just a fact that women commit far less sex crimes. Granted, not all sex offenders are violent rapists and child molesters, but statutory rapists and people who expose themselves are concerning, too. We also got e-mails from the gym a few months ago regarding a man who was making obscene calls and threatening to blow up the gym. He was doing this to daycare centers in the area, too. Luckily they found and arrested him. I guess that would also make parents at our particular gym alot more wary of strangers. I probably should have mentioned it in the OP.

 

[raenndrops]

OP - you have every right to be concerned, especially if the girls in the gym aren't allowed to wear shorts at practice. Most women don't realize this, but there are a lot of pedophiles in our communities. Those of us who have worked in social work with children and families realize that the problem is far more widespread than most people realize. I don't want to get into great detail here, but we have no way of knowing who to trust, male or female. Most people who are a potential danger to our children don't even have a criminal record. If it makes you feel any better though, most children are harmed by a close family member or friend...not the strange man or women that might be a "peeping Tom." If you want to protect your girls, make sure you dress them modestly when out in public, which includes a pair of board shorts or gym shorts on top of bathing suits...and no bikinis. Thank you OP for bringing this issue up. Don't worry though...most parents wouldn't think twice about who is watching gym practice.

No bikinis??? Many gymmies i know have body types that do not fit into one piece swimsuits. Therefore, they wear bikinis.
My gymmies wear modest ones - boy short bottoms and tankini or sports bra type tops. In public (to and from wherever they are swimming) they wear shorts and a tank top or a sundress over the bikini.

Caution - yes... totally obsessing - no.

 

[AndieRose]

OP - you have every right to be concerned, especially if the girls in the gym aren't allowed to wear shorts at practice. Most women don't realize this, but there are a lot of pedophiles in our communities. Those of us who have worked in social work with children and families realize that the problem is far more widespread than most people realize. I don't want to get into great detail here, but we have no way of knowing who to trust, male or female. Most people who are a potential danger to our children don't even have a criminal record. If it makes you feel any better though, most children are harmed by a close family member or friend...not the strange man or women that might be a "peeping Tom." If you want to protect your girls, make sure you dress them modestly when out in public, which includes a pair of board shorts or gym shorts on top of bathing suits...and no bikinis. Thank you OP for bringing this issue up. Don't worry though...most parents wouldn't think twice about who is watching gym practice.

Thank you! I'm in school for psychiatric nursing and I know exactly what you're talking about. Also, I'm a room parent at my children's parochial school and as a volunteer, am required by the diocese to have a background check and fingerprints on file. I also have to complete "Shield the Vulnerable" training every few years. This is a course that teaches caregivers, teachers, and medical staff how to handle and report child abuse. You are required by law to report ANY evidence of abuse or you can be prosecuted. This training has made me VERY aware of warning signs in adults and it's disturbing to see how common some of these are, though I'm aware that someone who shows these signs does not always equal "bad guy".

 

[GYM0M]

Ok that is just gross. Ick.

I was thinking the exact same thing! Really people? That's not ok.

 

[AndieRose]

This statement surprises me as I have always assumed quite the opposite. But then, I don't work in social work so I realize that your experience is likely more comprehensive than mine. I'm not challenging your expertise but out of simple curiosity, do you have some general statistics.

I vacillate on this topic. The statistics seem to show that our children are most likely to be molested by someone in our social circle/family so my first reaction to the OP's post was similar to many others here: OP is overreacting; that the idea of a stranger being a danger to a young girl in an environment like a gym seems far-fetched.

But I don't mind admitting that I notice when strangers show up in our gym. We are a small gym and as much as I am at the gym, I generally have an idea of who is typically there at different times. When a stranger shows up to take a kid, it does make me pay a little more attention.

What I'm embarrassed to admit is that I wish that it didn't bother me when a certain father at our gym talks about my daughter's body and points her out to some of the other fathers in the gym. I honestly believe he is just admiring her muscle tone as an attribute to success in this sport, but when I hear him talking about her to other men, for some reason, it bothers me. I don't know if that's a rational response or not, but I'm just going to throw it out there and own it.

Thanks for responding! I think it's normal to feel a little disturbed by overhearing men talking about your daughter's body, but again, I have a skewed perspective due to my history. Also, I'm not concerned that there are molesters at our gym, I know it's unlikely and if there were, there are safeguards in place that didn't exist for me as a child. Unfortunately, as a child of the 80's, I was a latchkey kid and was left without adult protection from the age of 10. Grievously wrong on my parents part, but I also understand that they grew up in a time where they never had to worry about such things. I, on the other hand, have experienced some of the worst sides of human behavior, but I've also experienced the best. I choose to be forgiving, but I will not allow my children or myself to be a victim. This requires vigiliance.

 

[AndieRose]

If you are genuinely concerned about abuse of children, particularly sexual abuse, put your energy into the foster care system in your area. A child in foster care is many, many, many more times likely to suffer sexual abuse than a child working out at a local gymnastics academy, is less likely to be believed when s/he reports it, and will probably be less able to get help afterward.

Thank you for replying, and you're right, but I'm not worried about my kids being hurt. I just don't want to be a source of concern to others. It really was just a basic instinct and a feeling that some of the parents might care if a stranger was hanging around, especially after our gym received threats a few months ago. Like I said, I trust the guy, but other parents have no idea who he is.

 

[AndieRose]

While we're on this subject:
I know of a convicted sex offender attending meets just to watch. Whether or not he had access to my child, I'm not comfortable with him watching her in a leotard. That is seriously creepy to me.
Also, several years ago, a convicted sex offender was seen lurking around our local YMCA.
As well, I know of two specific incidents where a child was molested or raped in a public restroom (one was a fast food restaurant and the other a sporting good store).
I hear of these types of incidents often, and they do color my thinking.
OP's original concern seems very reasonable to me considering the unfortunate truth that many people are not safe. And unsafe people find a way to be near children. So, a strange man watching practice? My initial reaction would probably be red flags. However, if I knew he was a friend of the dad, and Dad was just proud of his daughter, I'm sure that would ease my mind.

I really appreciate OP's sensitivity to how this situation might make other parents feel. Life experiences and information you've received will inevitably affect how you view this situation.

Once again, thank you! This is exactly my point. I don't want to alarm anyone or make them paranoid, and I think the danger is low because of modern methods of prevention, I'm still aware that some parents (granted, not all) would be concerned at noticing a stranger at the gym. Also, maybe this is more of an issue in the US? I don't know where you're from, I just assumed, like me, you're American. I'm also in a big city in California, so that makes a difference, too.

 

[AndieRose]

Now THIS would bother me for sure! It's very odd for a man to comment on a child's body to me. I know he probably means the muscle tone like you said but it would still make me feel highly uncomfortable.

OP I can't say for sure how I would feel in your situation. The only friend my hubby really hangs out with is his brother (dd's uncle) and if he accompanied him to watch dd I would be perfectly ok with that, but he's family so that's different. I don't think you really have to worry about the other parents though, they will probably assume that he is related to your dd in some way and won't think twice about him being there. A random man no one recognizes there alone yes, but one that is accompanying a dad shouldn't raise any red flags with the other families.

I think when you are a mother irrational fears are going to make their way into your thoughts sometimes. This is of course even worse if you have a past bad experience yourself. I've always been leary of male coaches. I know it's completely irrational and that a lot of times men make some of the best gymnastics coaches b/c of their ability to spot the more difficult skills, etc but it brings out my over protective side. Now I don't think I would vocalize my feelings, and if our gym decided to bring in a male coach I think I would certainly adjust to the idea but yes at first I would probably be uncomfortable.

Thank you!

 

[AndieRose]

No bikinis??? Many gymmies i know have body types that do not fit into one piece swimsuits. Therefore, they wear bikinis.
My gymmies wear modest ones - boy short bottoms and tankini or sports bra type tops. In public (to and from wherever they are swimming) they wear shorts and a tank top or a sundress over the bikini.

Caution - yes... totally obsessing - no.

Yes, I'm in the beginning stages of this dilemma right now with my 11 year-old. She's developing and I only buy her tankinis. It's easier with her because she's a bit of a tomboy and has zero interest in fashion, so there's not much of a fight. My youngest is the opposite so I'm dreading her teen years. But if either of them wants to wear a full blown bikini past or before a certain age, I might have an issue. My 6 year-old wears them all the time, because she has no visible curves, but when she starts maturing I'll make her switch to tankinis until she's probably 15 or 16 and able to better understand male attention. It's just my personal opinion that girls in early puberty (in general, of course, each girl is an individual and this may not apply) are too unaware of their newly acquired attractiveness to be able to handle it maturely if they are approached by the opposite sex, and may start seeing dressing skimpy as a way to get attention. After a couple of years experience with male attention, then I would be more comfortable if they decided to dress more provactively because at least they realize they can get a boy to like them without having to show off their bodies.

 

[sce]

Ok that is just gross. Ick.

Most definitely.

 

[Faith]

Yes, I'm in the beginning stages of this dilemma right now with my 11 year-old. She's developing and I only buy her tankinis. It's easier with her because she's a bit of a tomboy and has zero interest in fashion, so there's not much of a fight. My youngest is the opposite so I'm dreading her teen years. But if either of them wants to wear a full blown bikini past or before a certain age, I might have an issue. My 6 year-old wears them all the time, because she has no visible curves, but when she starts maturing I'll make her switch to tankinis until she's probably 15 or 16 and able to better understand male attention. It's just my personal opinion that girls in early puberty (in general, of course, each girl is an individual and this may not apply) are too unaware of their newly acquired attractiveness to be able to handle it maturely if they are approached by the opposite sex, and may start seeing dressing skimpy as a way to get attention. After a couple of years experience with male attention, then I would be more comfortable if they decided to dress more provactively because at least they realize they can get a boy to like them without having to show off their bodies.

Again though, you're placing the responsibility on the girl not to attract male attention.

The flip side being that if a girl does attract attention, she must have done something to encourage it. It is her fault if she is sexually harassed in the street, or groped on a bus.

It is not a woman or girls fault if someone is inappropriate or views an underage girl sexually. Whatever she is wearing.

Whatever it is that happened to you, it was not your fault. It doesn't matter how you were or weren't dressed, it doesn't matter if you flirted or batted your eyelashes. It is entirely the responsibility of the perpetrator not to behave in that way.

 

[raenndrops]

Yes, I'm in the beginning stages of this dilemma right now with my 11 year-old. She's developing and I only buy her tankinis. It's easier with her because she's a bit of a tomboy and has zero interest in fashion, so there's not much of a fight. My youngest is the opposite so I'm dreading her teen years. But if either of them wants to wear a full blown bikini past or before a certain age, I might have an issue. My 6 year-old wears them all the time, because she has no visible curves, but when she starts maturing I'll make her switch to tankinis until she's probably 15 or 16 and able to better understand male attention. It's just my personal opinion that girls in early puberty (in general, of course, each girl is an individual and this may not apply) are too unaware of their newly acquired attractiveness to be able to handle it maturely if they are approached by the opposite sex, and may start seeing dressing skimpy as a way to get attention. After a couple of years experience with male attention, then I would be more comfortable if they decided to dress more provactively because at least they realize they can get a boy to like them without having to show off their bodies.

I love that OG (age 14) was very specific in what she wanted in a swimsuit this year... she wanted one with ruffles (to camouflage development) on top and she wanted a boyshort bottom. She needed a second suit for emergencies and when the first is dirty, so we tried to find a similar style - FAIL! We found one with a boyshort-ish bottom, but the sides LACED down and tied! She asked me if there was any way I could sew it shut Good girl. That was exactly what I did.

YG is now 11 and she has several bikinis (little girls size 5/6 tankini to size 7/8... because a 10/12 is still too big). Other people have bought her more revealing bikinis... but she doesn't wear them in public - only our backyard pool - when all the others are dirty.

 

[AndieRose]

Again though, you're placing the responsibility on the girl not to attract male attention.

The flip side being that if a girl does attract attention, she must have done something to encourage it. It is her fault if she is sexually harassed in the street, or groped on a bus.

It is not a woman or girls fault if someone is inappropriate or views an underage girl sexually. Whatever she is wearing.

Whatever it is that happened to you, it was not your fault. It doesn't matter how you were or weren't dressed, it doesn't matter if you flirted or batted your eyelashes. It is entirely the responsibility of the perpetrator not to behave in that way.

I think maybe you are misinterpreting. In no way do I blame myself or other victims of sex crimes. My views on the way young girls dress has nothing to do with fear of drawing a predator. I know, unfortunately, that your clothing has nothing to do with whether an attacker chooses you. I do believe that young girls who dress older than their age, who are in the early stages of development, do not have enough experience to handle the attention they may get in a mature way. Meaning, they might assume that they can only get attention based on the way they look, and neglect developing their intelligence, wit, and kindness.