- Aug 7, 2014
- 131
- 114
So, this is a weird sport. We've been around it for a while and I tend to be a sponge and soak everything up without saying much. When I have concerns, I address them with the coach; otherwise, I just sit back and watch. I frequent CB, though mostly as a troll reading through other people's posts (I generally read many of them out of curiosity, though I have on one or two occasions been able to tell DD when she complains about something 'Hey, I saw a post on CB (or another forum) about that very issue and here's what the commenters had to say.'). On one of my trips through these forums I came across this and thought it might be worth sharing. I don't know if I fully agree with the letter writer (whoever he/she is), but I think there are some nuggets of truth and wisdom to be gained from the letter. Thoughts?
(Note: I have removed personal references like gymnast/parent names, club names, locations, etc.).
An Open Letter to My Daughter's Coach
Let me begin by saying thank you. Thank you for putting up with my sometimes moody and irrational daughter on a daily basis. Thank you for striving to be a positive influence on her life. Thank you for understanding that she is a human being whose behavior isn't always going to make sense. Thank you for dealing with her tears and fears, her highs and lows, her mental blocks and mental breakthroughs. Thank you for everything you are to her, and to us.
I would also like to say thank you for everything you do for the parents, for your efforts to create a happy, positive environment for us. And thank you for also being a fallible human being because that shows my daughter that perfection is neither the standard nor the expectation. Thank you for messing up and making mistakes. Thank you for showing her that life continues even after the biggest screw ups and that sometimes all that is needed is a sincere apology and a promise to do better tomorrow.
Having said that, though, there is something that bothers me. Why the favoritsm? I'm fully aware that some kids are more coachable than others; some kids work harder than others; some kids are more driven and determined; some kids fear nothing; some kids have a better attitude and work ethic. And some are just easier to get along with. But why alienate parents in favor of other parents? I want to believe this is not intentional, but having sat back and watched for a number of years, I'm not so sure it is. Some kids will go farther in the sport, this is true. Some kids want to go far in the sport but can't (for any number of reasons). Some kids just want to have fun and challenge themselves every day. Do you prefer to coach one of these groups more than the others? That's a slippery slope. Sure, some kids are insanely talented and it is apparent from a very early age, but that number is small. Some kids have to grow into their bodies. Some kids have to learn how to use their bodies. Some kids simply lack maturity at 4, 5, or 6 years old (or 10, 11, 12 years old). Are the parents of the dynamos better parents for you? I certainly hope not. Are they the foundation of your program? Again, I certainly hope not.
It is not just the parents who notice this--kids are incredibly observant and they know when someone is receiving preferential treatment. I don't know how many have the maturity to speak up (I'm going to guess no many), but when confronted about it, why the denials? Even if it is an issue of perception, why not practice some introspection and ask yourself what is going on that would, or could, create that perception? I know this is a difficult thing to do, and it does require an admission that you yourself are not perfect. But it will be tremendously beneficial in the long run. Yes, for a majority of the girls, their perception is off. Maybe it was a specific event, or maybe they're just having a bad day. And perhaps even for some parents their perception, too, is off. But why not address the concern, even if you think it is frivolous, instead of circling the wagons? The one thing kids need more than anything is to know their adults are authentic, and part of being an authentic human being is maintaining integrity and credibility.
I have seen many talented kids come and go from the program, also for any number of reasons. But I have also seen parents pull their kids because of the favoritism. This is unfortunate. Whatever need parents are trying to satisfy, filling it through the success of their child--especially when that success necessarily comes at the expense of another--should not be encouraged. Frustrating parents who only want the best for their child because you perceive them to be 'difficult' or 'negative' runs counter to what you're trying to accomplish. Ultimately, you'll be left with a small group of reasonably talented girls and a reputation among the gym community that you probably don't want.
I know this letter will put me in that group of 'difficult' parents. You may even see me as being too 'negative'. But nobody is perfect; we all are in need of improvement. I sincerely hope that this letter has the intended effect of making the gym a better place for all involved. You are such an integral part of our lives and we truly want only the best for you, but running off talented girls simply because they aren't 'favorited' and allowing truly toxic parents to have your ear benefits no one, least of all your gymnasts.
Sincerely,
[Name Removed]
(Note: I have removed personal references like gymnast/parent names, club names, locations, etc.).
An Open Letter to My Daughter's Coach
Let me begin by saying thank you. Thank you for putting up with my sometimes moody and irrational daughter on a daily basis. Thank you for striving to be a positive influence on her life. Thank you for understanding that she is a human being whose behavior isn't always going to make sense. Thank you for dealing with her tears and fears, her highs and lows, her mental blocks and mental breakthroughs. Thank you for everything you are to her, and to us.
I would also like to say thank you for everything you do for the parents, for your efforts to create a happy, positive environment for us. And thank you for also being a fallible human being because that shows my daughter that perfection is neither the standard nor the expectation. Thank you for messing up and making mistakes. Thank you for showing her that life continues even after the biggest screw ups and that sometimes all that is needed is a sincere apology and a promise to do better tomorrow.
Having said that, though, there is something that bothers me. Why the favoritsm? I'm fully aware that some kids are more coachable than others; some kids work harder than others; some kids are more driven and determined; some kids fear nothing; some kids have a better attitude and work ethic. And some are just easier to get along with. But why alienate parents in favor of other parents? I want to believe this is not intentional, but having sat back and watched for a number of years, I'm not so sure it is. Some kids will go farther in the sport, this is true. Some kids want to go far in the sport but can't (for any number of reasons). Some kids just want to have fun and challenge themselves every day. Do you prefer to coach one of these groups more than the others? That's a slippery slope. Sure, some kids are insanely talented and it is apparent from a very early age, but that number is small. Some kids have to grow into their bodies. Some kids have to learn how to use their bodies. Some kids simply lack maturity at 4, 5, or 6 years old (or 10, 11, 12 years old). Are the parents of the dynamos better parents for you? I certainly hope not. Are they the foundation of your program? Again, I certainly hope not.
It is not just the parents who notice this--kids are incredibly observant and they know when someone is receiving preferential treatment. I don't know how many have the maturity to speak up (I'm going to guess no many), but when confronted about it, why the denials? Even if it is an issue of perception, why not practice some introspection and ask yourself what is going on that would, or could, create that perception? I know this is a difficult thing to do, and it does require an admission that you yourself are not perfect. But it will be tremendously beneficial in the long run. Yes, for a majority of the girls, their perception is off. Maybe it was a specific event, or maybe they're just having a bad day. And perhaps even for some parents their perception, too, is off. But why not address the concern, even if you think it is frivolous, instead of circling the wagons? The one thing kids need more than anything is to know their adults are authentic, and part of being an authentic human being is maintaining integrity and credibility.
I have seen many talented kids come and go from the program, also for any number of reasons. But I have also seen parents pull their kids because of the favoritism. This is unfortunate. Whatever need parents are trying to satisfy, filling it through the success of their child--especially when that success necessarily comes at the expense of another--should not be encouraged. Frustrating parents who only want the best for their child because you perceive them to be 'difficult' or 'negative' runs counter to what you're trying to accomplish. Ultimately, you'll be left with a small group of reasonably talented girls and a reputation among the gym community that you probably don't want.
I know this letter will put me in that group of 'difficult' parents. You may even see me as being too 'negative'. But nobody is perfect; we all are in need of improvement. I sincerely hope that this letter has the intended effect of making the gym a better place for all involved. You are such an integral part of our lives and we truly want only the best for you, but running off talented girls simply because they aren't 'favorited' and allowing truly toxic parents to have your ear benefits no one, least of all your gymnasts.
Sincerely,
[Name Removed]