Parents Any tips for managing expectations in competetive dads?

[JoyAvenueMom]

My dh is a wonderful, loving dad. My ds (10) plays sports, and dh (who played varsity sports in HS) has helped coach. My older dd was in color guard with marching band, and that was something else my dh knew well from personal experience. He became an active volunteer parent during her years in that activity.

DH and I expect our kids give their best effort in everything, from school to sports, to relationships. DH is also very competetive and hates to lose. (I have scars from our one year of co-ed softball). With our other children, he understood the activities and what it means to "do a good job" and "put forth your best effort". They were always competing with kids their own ages. It's his "ignorance" of gymnastics that is really stressing him out.

We agreed to let DD move up this year (from L4 to Preo op Bronze/Intermediate Optionals AAU) for two reasons: 1) her training hours doubled to 12 hours per week, and 2) she would have been the only repeater (others moved or quit). As a result, she is competing as an 8 year old in 8-10 and 8-11 year old age groups, without having as many skills as most. This has meant finishing with decent scores (since it is rec and AAU) but at the bottom of the group. She has performed her routines well, and is steadily improving, so she is happy and I am happy. However, DAD is having trouble swallowing his pride.

We don't have huge issues, so please don't go down the tangent of him ruining this sport for my daughter. He continues to tell her he is proud of her, and that he knows she works hard. I can just see the pain in his face, and I know it really bothers him when she finished dead last. I have found this site to be invaluable in learning about the sport, and helping me stay sane. I am trying find ways to help dh begin to gain a better understanding of the complexity, and why she is doing great even if she isn't winning. I want this experience to be fun for him too.

Any suggestions for the care of keeping of gym dads would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Sounds like my hubbie whose mantra is "there is no such place as second place" Trouble is he played Rugby internationally and was a good cricketer and footballer ( soccar) as well.

He has improved his understanding greatly this year by (being gently encoraged with my boot) to do his share of the transporting to practice. From watching practice he has seen the improvement in Pink and Fluffy and the effort she puts into the skills. (It also helps that he is as flexible as a board and can't do what she can).

'margo

 

[EastCoastGymMom]

Would it help to remind him that your dd is basically "ahead" of the other girls her age who are winning in L4 this year? And next year, chances are she will be scoring better than those girls once they move up? I understand his frustration, but he needs to change his viewpoint. I do think it's difficult to be the "worst" at a higher level rather than the "best" at a lower level, but over time it seems there would be an advantage to moving up. I'm assuming she'll repeat her current level next year? That does sound like a tough age group though - 8-10 or 8-11! As long as she is progressing and getting stronger, then he shouldn't worry so much about the scores or levels. I know it's hard when you're used to other sports and "winning" all the time.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Sounds like my hubbie whose mantra is "there is no such place as second place" Trouble is he played Rugby internationally and was a good cricketer and footballer ( soccar) as well.

He has improved his understanding greatly this year by (being gently encoraged with my boot) to do his share of the transporting to practice. From watching practice he has seen the improvement in Pink and Fluffy and the effort she puts into the skills. (It also helps that he is as flexible as a board and can't do what she can).

'margo

Ha ha! My hubbie is a bit stiff as well. He is very athletic, but struggles to tie his shoes! You may be right, watching a few practices might be just what the doctor ordered. If he can see the "effort" as well as the outcome, he might feel that he has more to be proud of! Our gym has become SUPER crowded since the olympics, so neither of us watch much. I'll work up a plan... Thanks!

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Would it help to remind him that your dd is basically "ahead" of the other girls her age who are winning in L4 this year? And next year, chances are she will be scoring better than those girls once they move up? I understand his frustration, but he needs to change his viewpoint. I do think it's difficult to be the "worst" at a higher level rather than the "best" at a lower level, but over time it seems there would be an advantage to moving up. I'm assuming she'll repeat her current level next year? That does sound like a tough age group though - 8-10 or 8-11! As long as she is progressing and getting stronger, then he shouldn't worry so much about the scores or levels. I know it's hard when you're used to other sports and "winning" all the time.

You are right, and I (gently) remind him of the conversations we had before letting her move up. It's changing his viewpoint that I am struggling with! At the risk of behaving like a CGM, I tried to find out the actual ages of the girls in her group, so he would understand. I also tried pointing out she is in the YOUNGEST age group, and there are many more girls older than her at this level. Unfortunately, we then get into discussions about a 7 year old (whom we know) training Level 7 skills ...and it just goes downhill. So, I hate to draw a lot of comparisons.

If she had repeated L4, she would be doing VERY well. I anticipate she will compete the new L4 next year. If she continues to progress, she will have a great year. She is already uptraining current L6 skills, so her confidence is growing. If we can just survive this year! (it doesn't help that every meet we have attended announces placements down to the last place. UGH!)

 

[Iwannabemargo]

(it doesn't help that every meet we have attended announces placements down to the last place. UGH!)

Really ! We get first, second and third - quick picture and move on lol

 

[Deleted member D3987]

My dh is a wonderful, loving dad. My ds (10) plays sports, and dh (who played varsity sports in HS) has helped coach. My older dd was in color guard with marching band, and that was something else my dh knew well from personal experience. He became an active volunteer parent during her years in that activity.

DH and I expect our kids give their best effort in everything, from school to sports, to relationships. DH is also very competetive and hates to lose. (I have scars from our one year of co-ed softball). With our other children, he understood the activities and what it means to "do a good job" and "put forth your best effort". They were always competing with kids their own ages. It's his "ignorance" of gymnastics that is really stressing him out.

We agreed to let DD move up this year (from L4 to Preo op Bronze/Intermediate Optionals AAU) for two reasons: 1) her training hours doubled to 12 hours per week, and 2) she would have been the only repeater (others moved or quit). As a result, she is competing as an 8 year old in 8-10 and 8-11 year old age groups, without having as many skills as most. This has meant finishing with decent scores (since it is rec and AAU) but at the bottom of the group. She has performed her routines well, and is steadily improving, so she is happy and I am happy. However, DAD is having trouble swallowing his pride.

We don't have huge issues, so please don't go down the tangent of him ruining this sport for my daughter. He continues to tell her he is proud of her, and that he knows she works hard. I can just see the pain in his face, and I know it really bothers him when she finished dead last. I have found this site to be invaluable in learning about the sport, and helping me stay sane. I am trying find ways to help dh begin to gain a better understanding of the complexity, and why she is doing great even if she isn't winning. I want this experience to be fun for him too.

Any suggestions for the care of keeping of gym dads would be greatly appreciated.

tell him that ignorance is bliss. he doesn't want to know. see my post in the other thread about what was posted about just how hard gymnastics is. dads are very important in a daughter's life. we provide strength and male reasoning. his job is more important than the mom's. and this is not to say that the mom's job is not important. our job is different and girls look to us for support. they look to the mom's more to please them.

the best place to start in gymnastics is LAST PLACE. you then have nowhere to go but up. kids in gymnastics that hit the top quick flame out quick. i know. if you followed Gabby before the age of 15 you would know precisely of what i speak. the best road is the slow road and one that is fraught with failure and last places. this has been my experience in all my years. dad has to understand that this is gymnastics. there is NOTHING else like it. that's all.

 

[MeetDirector]

OK, from a dad that has been with this sport for almost 12 years, here goes.

First, breathe deeply and realize that this sport is one of long term goals, not short term gratification. The skills our daughters learn thru this sport take a long time to perfect (and it is about perfection). Next, forget basing progress on numerical scores; frankly they are only 2 people's judgement on that specific day for that specific event and do not indicate anything about the athlete's ability long-term. Encourage your gymnast to have fun and celebrate the new skills; also recognize that some skills (the dreaded kip, giants, etc) will take some time for some gymnasts to learn. This is not a negative reflection on them; it just takes time. Lastly, encourage him to learn about the sport; ask other parents or read the rules. I did and ended up getting invloved as a meet director. Do some research and don't hesitate to ask the coaches; just don't ask them at the end of a long practice - make an appointment. And the final bit of advice is to reach a level of trust in your daughter's coaches. Realize that they are responsible for thier safety and well-being and that they know what they are doing. The sooner you reach that trust level, the better it will be all around.

Good Luck.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

tell him that ignorance is bliss. he doesn't want to know. see my post in the other thread about what was posted about just how hard gymnastics is. dads are very important in a daughter's life. we provide strength and male reasoning. his job is more important than the mom's. and this is not to say that the mom's job is not important. our job is different and girls look to us for support. they look to the mom's more to please them.

the best place to start in gymnastics is LAST PLACE. you then have nowhere to go but up. kids in gymnastics that hit the top quick flame out quick. i know. if you followed Gabby before the age of 15 you would know precisely of what i speak. the best road is the slow road and one that is fraught with failure and last places. this has been my experience in all my years. dad has to understand that this is gymnastics. there is NOTHING else like it. that's all.

Not the response I expected....but WOW! Now, how do I deliver your message without confessing I posted about him...hmmm. ????

So, if ignorance is bliss, why do you put in all the extra effort to help those of us wandering in wilderness?

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

OK, from a dad that has been with this sport for almost 12 years, here goes.

First, breathe deeply and realize that this sport is one of long term goals, not short term gratification. The skills our daughters learn thru this sport take a long time to perfect (and it is about perfection). Next, forget basing progress on numerical scores; frankly they are only 2 people's judgement on that specific day for that specific event and do not indicate anything about the athlete's ability long-term. Encourage your gymnast to have fun and celebrate the new skills; also recognize that some skills (the dreaded kip, giants, etc) will take some time for some gymnasts to learn. This is not a negative reflection on them; it just takes time. Lastly, encourage him to learn about the sport; ask other parents or read the rules. I did and ended up getting invloved as a meet director. Do some research and don't hesitate to ask the coaches; just don't ask them at the end of a long practice - make an appointment. And the final bit of advice is to reach a level of trust in your daughter's coaches. Realize that they are responsible for thier safety and well-being and that they know what they are doing. The sooner you reach that trust level, the better it will be all around.

Good Luck.

You bring up a good point, the scoring is totally subjective, something DH despises from the get-go. I had not thought about showing him the rules. He carries a copy on him when coaching ds in sports! Actually, I try not to talk about it much at all, I just hate that he isn't enjoying her participation in this activity. He just seems stressed out by the whole thing, and I know if I could get him to where you are...all would be good. Obviously your path was learning more and getting involved. Would you consider yourself highly competetive in other areas?

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

Tell him to visit this site. Seriously, he can learn about the sport and "talk" to people that will help him understand how it all works and that placements are not everything in gymnastics.

Get him to message with dunno a few times too, lol. That will surely straighten him out!

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

Tell him to visit this site. Seriously, he can learn about the sport and "talk" to people that will help him understand how it all works and that placements are not everything in gymnastics.

Get him to message with dunno a few times too, lol. That will surely straighten him out!

And I hadn't read dunno's response when I wrote this, lol

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Not the response I expected....but WOW! Now, how do I deliver your message without confessing I posted about him...hmmm. ????

So, if ignorance is bliss, why do you put in all the extra effort to help those of us wandering in wilderness?

because i want everyone with a gymnast to see the trees from the forest.

 

[MeetDirector]

Yes, I would say I am competitive. But that has to be tempered in a sport that is individual. Parents have to be the support system for thier gymnast. We have to understand what they put themselves thru, but not push them to achieve for our sake - it has to be thier drive that moves them forward. In the younger years, you have to help your gymnast manage thier schedule because in the older years the demands on thier time are enormous; optional gymnastics takes a huge amount of time.

And my other piece of advice is to learn how to hold your breath and bite your tongue while videoing your gymnast; the last thing you want on the video is your own gasp when your daughter does her first back tuck on beam or double back off bars.

 

[cbifoja]

Next, forget basing progress on numerical scores; frankly they are only 2 people's judgement on that specific day for that specific event and do not indicate anything about the athlete's ability long-term.

I need to tattoo this on my palm. I really really need to remember this more than I'm comfortable admitting.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

And my other piece of advice is to learn how to hold your breath and bite your tongue while videoing your gymnast; the last thing you want on the video is your own gasp when your daughter does her first back tuck on beam or double back off bars.

Hahaha! I have a video from dd's first meet this year where I gasped and shrieked as I realized the coach was not going down to the table for her second vault attempt...then cheered like a mad women when she made it over! I am sure that will be quite funny in years to come when she has done that same vault a hundred times. I have frequently told her she is forbidden from going higher than L6, because of what you said above! I don't think my heart can take it!

 

[gymboymom]

the best place to start in gymnastics is LAST PLACE. you then have nowhere to go but up. kids in gymnastics that hit the top quick flame out quick. i know. if you followed Gabby before the age of 15 you would know precisely of what i speak. the best road is the slow road and one that is fraught with failure and last places. this has been my experience in all my years.

I love it. What an awesome way to look at this crazy gymnastics journey.

 

[iwannacoach]

Like dunno said, it's better to start low and work your way up. I was there, at the bottom, when I started, and I hated it so much that I worked my tail off to get as good as the person just above me, and the next person, and the next. I just kept working my way through my peer group until I had nobody to work up to.

I don't think, with the pressure I put on myself, that I could have tolerated anybody urging me to be more competitive. If your child has a competitive bone in her body, and is allowed to work hard, she'll grow as a person, a gymnast, and as a competitor.....in just that order. That's just the way it has to be for a child to sustain her efforts over the long haul.

If on the other hand the kid couldn't care a flying flip about competition, the emotional energy to get better will have to grow from with-in her, and that's why the process of being a competitor must start by growing as a person, at least to the point of understandig what they want from the sport.

It's a long process for most kids, that works best when started from a point that give allows for constant, gradual improvement.

 

[bookworm]

You sure you are not writing this about my husband? Although I know you said something about "not going down the tangent of him ruining the sport for her" , it is something you definitely need to be mindful of...because here's the thing , if YOU can see and sense the disappointment in your husband, so can your daughter, no matter what he says to her...so the tact I would take is that maybe I would be the one to attend meets with her for a while dad stays home (and maybe educates himself on the ins and outs of the sport) because if he continually is disappointed in how she finishes, believe me, she will start to get that sense , and it won't be pretty...I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe a little distance for a while for your husband in terms of competitions , and he could come for the "big" ones like States, when it's an accomplishment just to make it there , and that might help his response.

 

[Gymdad2]

If you get him to this site, show him my signature line.