Parents Any tips for managing expectations in competetive dads?

[Kiwi]

Here is my take on gymnastics. It is called 'artistic' gymnastics, it is a performance sport, that is, giving a performance, like dancing, so that it is beautiful to watch. It is about being able to do amazing skills that most other people will never be able to do. It is different from most other sports which are usually about scoring goals or points against opponents. I'm not saying that the competition part isn't important, but I think it is secondary. You don't do gymnastics because you want to beat other gymnasts, you do it because you love the feelings of flying through the air, swinging around a bar, balancing on your hands, spinning and flipping and so on. Everyone who learns and performs those skills is a winner.

 

[Amusibus]

tell him that ignorance is bliss. he doesn't want to know. see my post in the other thread about what was posted about just how hard gymnastics is. dads are very important in a daughter's life. we provide strength and male reasoning. his job is more important than the mom's. and this is not to say that the mom's job is not important. our job is different and girls look to us for support. they look to the mom's more to please them.

Maybe it's that I am the child of a single mother, but something about these comments does not sit well with me. I am happily married, and even in my own family, this is not our dynamic at all. Mom is defintely the tough *** here.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

did not mean for my comment to not sit well with anyone. a dad's job is different than the mom's. mom support is a different kind than the dad's. ask your son's and daughters and you'll hear from them what i mean. i meant it in a good way, not a bad way or sexist way.

 

[Kiwi]

I am happily married, and even in my own family, this is not our dynamic at all. Mom is defintely the tough *** here.

In our family too. It is a very broad generalisation that probably applies to some, but not all parents. Assigning roles by gender has never sat well with me, I never really fit into them. Individual personalities and the relationships between them are more complex than this and can vary hugely.

 

[iwannacoach]

Geez..... I was busy taking out the garbage, changing the oil in my wife's van, and looking around in our totally disorganized garage for paint and supplies for a teensy weensy bathroom spruce up...... and all this happens. I may be leaning toward dunno's side based upon the above, but beyond that I'm keeping a low profile while........

Dunno vs. The world.......again!

 

[Amusibus]

Oh, not at all! I still love Dunno, just because you have a difference of opinion with someone doesn't mean much... just a different opinion, that is all. No war.

 

[iwannacoach]

And that's what keeps me coming back for more.

 

[OzZee]

LOL no hope for my kids if the dad's role is more important than the mum's.

 

[mommyof1]

tell him that ignorance is bliss. he doesn't want to know. see my post in the other thread about what was posted about just how hard gymnastics is. dads are very important in a daughter's life. we provide strength and male reasoning. his job is more important than the mom's. and this is not to say that the mom's job is not important. our job is different and girls look to us for support. they look to the mom's more to please them.

Maybe it's that I am the child of a single mother, but something about these comments does not sit well with me. I am happily married, and even in my own family, this is not our dynamic at all. Mom is defintely the tough *** here.

I am not sure these two perspectives are really that different. In my family, Mommy is also definitely the tough ***. But it's both parents' job to cheer!

 

[emorymom]

Here's my advice: Get the coach to send you an email praising your daughter's progress, her attitude, her ability, her work ethic, praising her lack of discouragement in not getting high awards as one of the qualities necessary for children to really make it in a level play system (I don't know all the words, but geez ... if you're not willing to lose you are probably not going very far in gym), etc. Then show it to him.

You know, basically and end run to get him through his rough patch and prepare him for the future.

 

[ThaBigCheese]

Hi,

I don't post a lot but this is an interesting post. But I'm a dad of a 10yo L8 gymnast who's had a good amount of success early on. Level 5 JrA1 TX AA state champ, Level 7 Child A WA state AA Silver Medalist and beam champ. She is currently dealing with some fear issues going backwards at level 8 and is working through them. I also have a competitive volleybal player as well. I'm a competitive individual and I always want my girls to win. Always. Not just win, but to dominate. I can't help it that's just the competitive person in me. But even more important than that, is that I see my girls are having a good time. Enjoying themselves, loving what they do. That always trumps winning in my opinion. Now with gymnastics it's different. I stay away from the gym, I don't watch practices, I don't give advice and I don't attempt to coach. I can't. I know nothing of the sport, so nothing I say has any relevance. I go to the meets and watch and cheer and record, and say great job and give DD a kiss and a hug no matter what. Because when I see the meets, its new to me and I think that whatever she is doing is perfect. Staying away from all things gym also gives me a clear view of changes in my daughter. I can see if she's tired, over-worked or unhappy. My wife is close to the gym happenings, I'm not. I have no connection to the gym or it's people so if I see or hear something I don't like, i will speak my mind about it. My daughters tell me, I'm glad you're not like some of the other dads, always trying to coach or yelling at their kids when they do something wrong. I tell them that with competitive kids, come competitive parents and it's really hard for them to turn it off. I tell them, I don't play anymore, these sports are no longer mine, they are yours. I remember what it's like to play, and to have people yelling and screaming at you from all directions. I didn't like it when it was done to me, so I won't do it to you, but it's not easy. I want to coach, i want to run up and down screaming and yelling doing all the things the other competitive dads are doing........I just don't.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i LIKE that enormously ^^^^^^^

 

[iwannacoach]

^^^^^^^ I give that post two "maniacal fist pumps" up!! ^^^^^^^

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

You sure you are not writing this about my husband? Although I know you said something about "not going down the tangent of him ruining the sport for her" , it is something you definitely need to be mindful of...because here's the thing , if YOU can see and sense the disappointment in your husband, so can your daughter, no matter what he says to her...so the tact I would take is that maybe I would be the one to attend meets with her for a while dad stays home (and maybe educates himself on the ins and outs of the sport) because if he continually is disappointed in how she finishes, believe me, she will start to get that sense , and it won't be pretty...I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe a little distance for a while for your husband in terms of competitions , and he could come for the "big" ones like States, when it's an accomplishment just to make it there , and that might help his response.

Bookworm, I read him your post and he acknowledged the real risk of this happening. It was good for him!!! He would never intentionally disappoint her, but she is very perceptive.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

all kids are perceptive. you want to know what's going on in a household or gym? ask the kid...

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Hi,

I don't post a lot but this is an interesting post. But I'm a dad of a 10yo L8 gymnast who's had a good amount of success early on. Level 5 JrA1 TX AA state champ, Level 7 Child A WA state AA Silver Medalist and beam champ. She is currently dealing with some fear issues going backwards at level 8 and is working through them. I also have a competitive volleybal player as well. I'm a competitive individual and I always want my girls to win. Always. Not just win, but to dominate. I can't help it that's just the competitive person in me. But even more important than that, is that I see my girls are having a good time. Enjoying themselves, loving what they do. That always trumps winning in my opinion. Now with gymnastics it's different. I stay away from the gym, I don't watch practices, I don't give advice and I don't attempt to coach. I can't. I know nothing of the sport, so nothing I say has any relevance. I go to the meets and watch and cheer and record, and say great job and give DD a kiss and a hug no matter what. Because when I see the meets, its new to me and I think that whatever she is doing is perfect. Staying away from all things gym also gives me a clear view of changes in my daughter. I can see if she's tired, over-worked or unhappy. My wife is close to the gym happenings, I'm not. I have no connection to the gym or it's people so if I see or hear something I don't like, i will speak my mind about it. My daughters tell me, I'm glad you're not like some of the other dads, always trying to coach or yelling at their kids when they do something wrong. I tell them that with competitive kids, come competitive parents and it's really hard for them to turn it off. I tell them, I don't play anymore, these sports are no longer mine, they are yours. I remember what it's like to play, and to have people yelling and screaming at you from all directions. I didn't like it when it was done to me, so I won't do it to you, but it's not easy. I want to coach, i want to run up and down screaming and yelling doing all the things the other competitive dads are doing........I just don't.

Love your post, and I can see you any my dear hubbie are probably a lot alike. Thankfully, he hasn't been tempted to try and "coach" from the sidelines. (yet!) He is oblivious, and doesn't mind admitting it. He says he doesn't expect her to be winning this year...but I can just see that for her to come in near last every time (5/5, 17/19, etc) is a blow to his ego. It's probably a great opportutinity for personal growth. DD didn't win last year, but she was in the middle, and even finished top 3 a couple of times. He was fine with that. I am trying to get him to realize the great progress she is making (learning L6 tumbling on floor even) , and how her placement is not the most important reflection of her abilities. It's almost like he is thinking "If she just tried harder, I know she could do better"....and effort is something we always emphasize and reward. Just a few more weeks..... Thank you!

 

[ThaBigCheese]

I didn't expect to get so many likes for my post! I had to just pat myself on the back!

JoyAvenueMom, I also had to chuckle when I saw this in your post. When my daughter was completely dominating I was amazed by it. People would congratulate me like I was out there doing a floor routine. There was one time I went to a meet, and I had a "Trinity's Dad" t-shirt and people would come up and say things like "You're daughter is amazing. So YOU'RE Trinity's Dad." I always found that a bit odd.

Well...gotta get behind the camera this weekend and keep my mouth shut as we travel down to Eugene, OR for the last meet before states. I hear Trinity has added some new wrinkles to her routines....Thanks for all the likes!

DD didn't win last year, but she was in the middle, and even finished top 3 a couple of times. He was fine with that.

 

[SignHere]

[

JoyAvenueMom, I also had to chuckle when I saw this in your post. When my daughter was completely dominating I was amazed by it. People would congratulate me like I was out there doing a floor routine. There was one time I went to a meet, and I had a "Trinity's Dad" t-shirt and people would come up and say things like "You're daughter is amazing. So YOU'RE Trinity's Dad." I always found that a bit odd.

I know, what do you say? My daughters have done really well at a few meets. When people come up to me and congratulate me on their score, I'm like, "yes, I wrote some very big checks and made sure to drive my daughter to practice on time. I also fed her some Wheaties this morning for some extra oomph!"

 

[NewtoGym]

I didn't expect to get so many likes for my post! I had to just pat myself on the back!

JoyAvenueMom, I also had to chuckle when I saw this in your post. When my daughter was completely dominating I was amazed by it. People would congratulate me like I was out there doing a floor routine. There was one time I went to a meet, and I had a "Trinity's Dad" t-shirt and people would come up and say things like "You're daughter is amazing. So YOU'RE Trinity's Dad." I always found that a bit odd.

Well...gotta get behind the camera this weekend and keep my mouth shut as we travel down to Eugene, OR for the last meet before states. I hear Trinity has added some new wrinkles to her routines....Thanks for all the likes!

How did Trinity do? We were there too.

 

[ThaBigCheese]

How did Trinity do? We were there too.

Very well, thank you for asking! She scored a high 36, up around 37 and ended up winning the all-around in her age group. But more impressive to me was what she did on her floor routine. Forgive me for my terminology here, but I just don't know. I mentioned before she is having fear issues with flipping backwards, so during her second pass, she "felt the fear" and only did the round off. Instead of leaving it out, she turned right around and did her pass the other way disregarding where she was at in her routine, then finished her routine without music. Still managed over a 9. The wife and I were so proud of her. States are on Sunday and and believe they are removing most of the backwards stuff from her routine because we/they don't think she's ready for it. She'll post solid scores, because she always does. I'll actually get to see this meet too! I'm excited.