Parents Can I convince my DD NOT to quit?

[MILgymFAM]

Just my opinion, but I would never tell a young child that they can quit anything if they want too. You are setting yourself up for some serious problems later on in life.

You would force your child into a very costly, time consuming, and demanding sport that they clearly expressed a desire not to do? I just don't get that. Little kids should be allowed to explore activities to find one they want to commit to. There is a girl at DDs gym that is forced to stay because her sister trains also, and because her parents are concerned about her figure if she stops. This girl doesn't give her all in practice or meets, doesn't show up for other activities, and spends more time pouting than training. Everyone just shakes their heads that her parents continue to pay so much money for that- a gym membership would be cheaper, and so would almost any other recreation she wants to take up.

Eta: I could understand with a higher level child, with tons of time, money, and heart put into the sport already- wanting to make sure they are really done. A young L4 is only at the beginning, and everything goes up from there- time, money, energy, commitment. It seems if it's wrong now, it's a good place to back away.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

You would force your child into a very costly, time consuming, and demanding sport that they clearly expressed a desire not to do? I just don't get that. Little kids should be allowed to explore activities to find one they want to commit to. There is a girl at DDs gym that is forced to stay because her sister trains also, and because her parents are concerned about her figure if she stops. This girl doesn't give her all in practice or meets, doesn't show up for other activities, and spends more time pouting than training. Everyone just shakes their heads that her parents continue to pay so much money for that- a gym membership would be cheaper, and so would almost any other recreation she wants to take up.

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I never said anything about "FORCE" I said I would not TELL....... Very different.....

 

[MILgymFAM]

Fair enough, I get the semantics. The OPs dd ha expressed her own desire to quit. It's a matter of allow, not tell.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

My reply was to gymmom, I should have quoted it. But to be fair, at 8, I wouldn't just let my child quit at a whim, and the OP is clearly expressing her regret for decision to allow this now that it is a reality. If she was totally fine with it,,,,, she wouldn't be here..... I tell my parents to make them stick it out for several months and find out what is bugging them. 90 percent of the time it's a skill, but the child gives the parents every other reason in the world, It's not fun, they don't like me, I don't have any friends, I want to play soccer,,,,,, they sometimes will tell mom it's a skill but often not. So quite often when we find out, we actually get the child through this, but if a parent just lets the child quit then.......
A parent is also setting the child up for further episodes of just quitting over something stupid in the next activity and ultimately tries to get control of the child... On the flip side obviously signing a child up for another year after they have been miserable for 3 or 6 months is probably not going to win anyone over. Each instance has it's own storyline, but not allowing time to figure things out always has the same ending.....

 

[bookworm]

Just my opinion, but I would never tell a young child that they can quit anything if they want too. You are setting yourself up for some serious problems later on in life.

Uh no...the kid decided she doesn't like a particular sport...it happens. I don't think that every kid who tries a sport/activity and decides to move on to something different is destined to life of failure...

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

We always make our kids follow through on any commitment they have made. Sign up for team? You're finishing the year.
If her commitment to the team is up and it's a "good" time to quit.... I would let her. This is definitely a sport you need to be passionate about to stay in it at this level, and it's only going to require MORE of a commitment, not less.
If she just wants to have fun with it, go to rec or open gym and let her enjoy the sport.
At 8, I would say they are definitely old enough to know what they want to do, and I would never (implied or straight up) force my kids to partake in a sport or activity they don't love. It can be hard as a parent, but it's their journey.
The exception is of course if they have made a commitment, then they are seeing it through until that is done.

 

[my4buffaloes]

We make our kids finish the season or year of whatever it is that they want to quit. gymnastics goes year round, and it seems there is never a good quitting time. When my ds wanted to quit boy scouts we told him he had to stick it out until the end of the year and then we would talk. December came and he quit. No regrets at all. And during the 5 months of wanting to quit we plugged along and really gave it our all. Every campout was attended, merit badges were earned. But in the end he just didn't like it. So we let him quit. You can't force a child (especially a young) to always do everything they have ever started. The parents and coaches probably should have explored the why a little more before agreeing to the quitting and extended the time frame through the end of the summer. But it is what it is at this point...

 

[still hanging]

My children are not allowed to quit until the season is over in any sport. They always have to finish what they started for themselves and the team. It's summer, therefore the best time to leave the sport of gymnastics. She is so young and still in the early levels. There are so many sports and fun things for kids to try. If she already feels like she is missing out on stuff, than I would move on. The missing out on doing things only gets worse as they get older. Once they become teens and much more social it becomes a battle for some girls feeling the pull of training and the pull of enjoying time with their peers.

Best of luck! Only you know what is best for your child.

 

[skschlag]

IMO, if I have paid for a month, you finish the month. If it is mid-season, you finish the season. But, if you truly do not want to do this anymore, then I do not want to pay fro it anymore. YOu will find out quickly if it was really true or not. Some kids don't see how much they like something until they are out of it.

One of our team boys kept saying he wanted to quit. All. season. long. Daily. After meets. Non-stop. At the end of the season, his parents pulled him. Told him that since he really wnated to quit, that he was done. He packed up his cubby, took his grips and left. He was back within the week.

 

[gymmom13]

Just my opinion, but I would never tell a young child that they can quit anything if they want too. You are setting yourself up for some serious problems later on in life.

I understand where you are coming from. Reading your other response it sounds like we are saying the same thing. We do tell her she can quit but we do set the guidelines. As she can't quit in the middle of a season and has to have time between deciding and actually following through. My daughter has yet to quit and follows through with every thing that she starts. With that being said at the end of the season we let her drop soccer and softball. As that is not her.

I think you have to choose your reaction based on the kid. Right now she loves her sport and has been in it since she was five. She is now 11. I was simply saying in my post that I would not tell her she has to continue forever if she is not happy. This is her sport and I think these kids sacrifice a lot to do it. I really believe more so than any other sport you must enjoy what you are doing. Not all the time. Thank you Coach P for pointing that out. I would not want anyone to think that I promote letting kids quit things on a whim. After all they are kids and need guidance.

 

[gothgymmom]

I completely understand where you are coming from, My DD is 8 as well, and she was talking about quitting. She says she loves gymnastics but she comes up with excuses- all which are not good enough. We got her talked into staying as she was born to be a gymnast and we did not want her to regret quitting (and also that I have already paid alot of money for another year membership. She understood about the regret as my sister quit gymnastics when she was a kid and regretted it ever since. Right now she doesnt want to compete (although she hits her vertical on beam every time and is very good at her new routines), but we have to have a meeting with HC to discuss everything, and HC was talking about putting her in excel. Not sure how this is going to go forward though. Good luck with yours. I would explain to her about quitting and regretting, and how if she quits she will never find out if she can do the skills, and that she would not learn any new skills. My DD was so horrified at that thought as she wants to do the "big girl skills" lol.

 

[gothgymmom]

I should also add that my DD has her heart set on joining Cirque du Soleil when she gets older and can do more unique things, told her that if she quit, theres no chance every for that.

 

[vagymmomma]

Coach P - I completely get what you're saying. I sometimes wish my parents had not let me quit dance when I was I young (I was 11 and had be doing it for 7 years). However, 8 yrs seems young to all ready be losing the passion. Gymnastics is tough and those who stick it out through high school really love the sport. It's a tough balance and I think setting meaningful deadlines (finish season or summer training) are essential. Part of this is a lesson about commitments in all phases of life. Dependiing on the issue you can try to get them extra help (open gym, private, consultation with coach). However this sport only gets harder and the peaks and plateaus are longer and higher. Commitment is essential.

 

[Peasmama]

Wow, thank you all for the feedback ! Lots of food for thought, many good insights.
RE: fear of skill(s): Seems it all really started with her fear of doing a BHS on high beam. She was in the L4/5 training group. She got it on low beam and I guess, "rang the bell" (gym recognition) for it. After that, coach strongly expected her to do it on high beam. A lot of "You rang the bell for it, now you have to do it," & " if you don't (insert correction), you're going to have to do L.4 again." So DD feels like a loser in her coaches eyes. Mind you, this is coming from DD. I'm very aware of how words can be perceived/delivered differently than originally intended. Isn't BHS on beam a L6 skill, anyway?
She precipitously lost her ROBHSBHS. Got her a private and worked that out.
So, she expressed some relief as summer started and more focus on L4 routines, less up training/pressure. But she still feared a certain day of practice and expectations of the BHS on beam or the series on floor. Or maybe it was the RO-BHS-BT? One or the other... Anyway, the negative feelings that had begun evolved and then she said she just wants to quit.
Any further advice if this is what's really under her skin?

 

[Sasha]

To me, this is so dependent on "know your own kid / know the history and patterns of behavior" to give any specific advice. For example...

Is she a kid that frequently gets frustrated and 'quits' things when they become a little hard? Or a kid that never gives up on anything typically?

Is it actually a skill (or physical challenge such as harder conditioning) triggering this? For how long? And what has been the approach by the coach? Do you ever have check ins with the coach to monitor patterns?

How does she typically handle a suddenly tough challenge after a period of relative easy success? Or is this the first time she is facing something truly 'hard and scary' for her?

Was she formerly a gung-ho, gym-is-my-life, and now a sudden change, or has she always been more laid back, more casual gymmie from the start as you look back?

What are the situations at school or in her friends circle that might be affecting this at this moment (sleepovers she is now missing, deeper friendships forming at this age - I have an 8 year old DD, too )....

As I type this, I see you commented about the BHS on beam, and the threat to move down a level affecting her confidence.

With your new information (and also considering the above personality and experience factors), it sounds like she is facing the common fear of disappointing others, along with the test of her own self-efficacy for gymnastics as the skills are starting to get harder. Personally, I would try my best to use this experience as a teaching moment about sticking with things when they get hard, and not letting the first tough skill define her "success" as a gymnast and enjoyment of gymnastics. And (depending on your real assessment of the coach's style) pointing out how the coach's style in 'pushing her' is intended to raise her confidence and belief in herself, but that it's not always the most effective approach for everyone. Assure her the coach does indeed believe in her, though, and that's why s/he is pushing her hard to do her best. And I always throw in that she could never disappoint me, now matter how long it takes to get a skill, or whatever score comes up on a card, and I'll always support her. I'd encourage her as best I could to keep giving this a go, as it is completely normal to encounter fears and tough skills. Of course, none of it might work, and she still might quit (which is fine), but these lessons are (imo) so key to life in general.

I remember personally be lauded with lots of high-praise labels for my early successes at various things - math, spelling bee, art, track ... And when it started to be a little hard as I got older and there was a threat to me not automatically being the top student any more in these events, I panicked and dropped out of these activities I loved - mainly for fear of disappointing the people around me. I wish my parents had worked a little harder to teach me that these feelings are normal, and it's OK not to always just do things that come easily - maybe I would have stuck with them - even if I wasn't always #1. So my response is biased from my past (as we all are, of course)...

 

[Natasha]

It is the end of the season. I think there needs to be a time that the young, lower level kids can decide to leave gymnastics and move on to try something else and not have it be "quitting." Almost every other sport has a season, at the end of the season the kid may decide they want to do something else and try another sport, and no one refers to it as "quitting." I've seen kids stay in the sport because mom and coach convinces them to stay and their heart is not in it. It is not good for the kid or the team. It may be that the kid would be a great dancer or soccer player or swimmer, but they are missing out on finding out! And MANY of these young team gymnasts started in the sport not by their choice, but by parent putting them in gymnastics….when you consider kids starting pre-team at age 4 or 5 or 6….to hold a kid to that decision and then say they can't quit because they signed up for it??? Only 2 of the 14 girls from my dd's level 4 team are still in the sport. Many of them have discovered other sports and interests they are passionate about, and some of them wish they had found their passion earlier, but they didn't have the chance because they were too busy with gymnastics.

 

[Peasmama]

It is the end of the season. I think there needs to be a time that the young, lower level kids can decide to leave gymnastics and move on to try something else and not have it be "quitting." Almost every other sport has a season, at the end of the season the kid may decide they want to do something else and try another sport, and no one refers to it as "quitting." I've seen kids stay in the sport because mom and coach convinces them to stay and their heart is not in it. It is not good for the kid or the team. It may be that the kid would be a great dancer or soccer player or swimmer, but they are missing out on finding out! And MANY of these young team gymnasts started in the sport not by their choice, but by parent putting them in gymnastics….when you consider kids starting pre-team at age 4 or 5 or 6….to hold a kid to that decision and then say they can't quit because they signed up for it??? Only 2 of the 14 girls from my dd's level 4 team are still in the sport. Many of them have discovered other sports and interests they are passionate about, and some of them wish they had found their passion earlier, but they didn't have the chance because they were too busy with gymnastics.

Good point

 

[Frase]

Sounds like you're in a position we've faced a couple of times. Particularly if it is skills based (which it sounds like) I convinced dd that I didn't have a problem with her quitting but that she should not end on a low. She set herself a quit date a few months in the future (her birthday) at which point she could walk away no questions asked.

By the time her birthday came she had worked though her obstacle and forgotten she wanted to quit. It was only a couple of months later she said "hey, wasn't I supposed to have stopped" and then laughed. One of dd's favourite quotes is
'dont give up until you are proud' - it certainly helped when she felt up against her skills wall.

 

[Jenny]

I like that quote!

 

[Rapunzel]

I was quite fortunate in that when dd quit it was at the end of a block, she wasn't signed up for anything so the "I've paid for a block, you're finishing it" for brownies/swimming etc has sunk in over the years!