Parents Can I convince my DD NOT to quit?

[gymjunkie]

To the OP, it sounds like there is more to her wanting to quit than what was originally shared. I would talk to her coach to get to the bottom of her fears and then have a talk with your daughter to see if she will share more. In situations like the one you are describing, I've had good luck retaining kids when the mom and coach presented it this way: We are okay with you quitting, but don't want you to quit feeling like you were defeated by a BHS on beam. Therefore, as soon as you have mastered the BHS on high beam, you may quit. The end result is the kid gets the dreaded skill and then tells you they don't want to quit anymore!

 

[LizzieLac]

This is one of the toughest things for parents: trying to prevent our kids from having regrets.

I have a DS who just turned 12 a few weeks ago. His main sports are baseball (he is obsessed with) and soccer (he likes). He plays travel level for both sports and is good at both sports. Every year at this time (now playing all star baseball - which is almost ball every day between practice and games), he says I don't want to play soccer in the fall. "I don't like it that much, I want to focus on baseball..."

Every year I tell him he is playing soccer and that's final.

Every year, once the season starts, his skills improve, he bonds with the team, he experiences some success, he gets into the competition, and he is glad he did it.

I know he is good and that he should not make a decision when he if feeling emmersed in baseball, which admittedly is his first love. He is too young to understand where his potential is and isn't and due to being immature emotionally and congitively, I need to guide him through this thought process.

I have told him when he is 13 he is probably old enough to decide where to focus his efforts.

 

[Pea'sMom]

I see you have a lot to think about and help you already, but figured I would add my experience. Gymnastics is a tough sport, there is a constant push for 'perfect' that is not seen in lots of other sports (maybe diving too?) This can be very difficult for some kids to handle. Even on days when Pea is so happy about practice, there are always things that need working on. They hear it constantly and it can be hard handle.

What has helped Pea is reminding her that she is not alone! Every gymnast has room for improvement, it's the nature of the beast. I have a habit of asking the carpool when driving home what they where proud of at practice that day. Gets them thinking about what they are doing right, instead of dwelling on the corrections.

In terms of her fears maybe you can work with her coach on a plan for working to build her confidence (i.e. 10 on the line, 10 on the low beam, attempt the high beam, if no-go, back down to the low beam. Or maybe x number of spots.) Maybe if there is a plan she feels confidence in, she will consider working through it.

 

[Amusibus]

I don't understand why they couldn't just wait on the backhandspring thing. At that age and level, what is the rush? Maybe, as Dunno is always saying, it is just vestibular, and once that system matures a bit, the fear will be gone because her body is now capable of doing it, in a neurological sense.

 

[sce]

A parent is also setting the child up for further episodes of just quitting over something stupid in the next activity and ultimately tries to get control of the child... On the flip side obviously signing a child up for another year after they have been miserable for 3 or 6 months is probably not going to win anyone over. Each instance has it's own storyline, but not allowing time to figure things out always has the same ending.....

Not everything sticks with a kid. An 8yo can definitely be done with something and for lots of reasons. My dd did 3 seasons of soccer, each season the coaching got worse and she stopped enjoying, as well her gym hours went up, so no more soccer.

My dd has done ballet, t-ball, basketball, soccer, gymnastics, piano, theater, jazz dance... some more seriously than others
I won't let her do too many at once, so she has to choose. She knows that to do well she has to stick with something, but wanted to try lots of things to find what she wants the most. I love that she's had so many experiences already though.

Right now her focus is gymnastics and theater (the jazz dance is a fun thing that supports theater.) Piano works for now as it's her music education (we homeshcool.) Theater is also something that she can do part time, so that helps. (i.e. a play lasts a couple months.)

My ds has been much more focused, he has many interests but won't let anything take time away from gymnastics.

OP - when he was younger he went through phases of wanting to quit. I would not let it be a rash decision. We agreed on a time frame and I'd check in with him about it. Every time he'd learn something new and want to continue.

 

[Amusibus]

Feeling a little jealous about all those activities^^^. My 8 year old's gymnastics pretty much uses up our "activities for kids" fund. I am constantly feeling guilty that I don't have any money left to send my other two children to any activities.

 

[sce]

Wow, thank you all for the feedback ! Lots of food for thought, many good insights.
RE: fear of skill(s): Seems it all really started with her fear of doing a BHS on high beam. She was in the L4/5 training group. She got it on low beam and I guess, "rang the bell" (gym recognition) for it. After that, coach strongly expected her to do it on high beam. A lot of "You rang the bell for it, now you have to do it," & " if you don't (insert correction), you're going to have to do L.4 again." So DD feels like a loser in her coaches eyes. Mind you, this is coming from DD. I'm very aware of how words can be perceived/delivered differently than originally intended. Isn't BHS on beam a L6 skill, anyway?
She precipitously lost her ROBHSBHS. Got her a private and worked that out.
So, she expressed some relief as summer started and more focus on L4 routines, less up training/pressure. But she still feared a certain day of practice and expectations of the BHS on beam or the series on floor. Or maybe it was the RO-BHS-BT? One or the other... Anyway, the negative feelings that had begun evolved and then she said she just wants to quit.
Any further advice if this is what's really under her skin?

Sounds like trying a different gym is in order. She's 8yo and form what you describe she feels a lot of pressure and very little fun. A new environment and different coaching style might be what she needs to love the sport again. Also taking is it slow is not bad. Repeating level 4 in a supportive environment might be better than pushing so hard to move up.

 

[gracyomalley]

Lots of good thoughts. With DD we took the advice of the father of a girl who competed at her old gym and is now doing gym at a D1 college. She apparently wanted to quit when training L8 (same place that has challenged DD), in particular over double BHS series. Her father told her she could quit after she did that series successfully. She never looked back after that occurred.

I have told DD she can quit after she has gotten the remaining skills she needs for L8. She already has enough beam skills, but is trying to do BT and the above dreaded series. She has her floor except has only twisted in the pit (has her front pass and dance/leap skills). She is flipping both Tsuks and Yurchenkos on trainers/into pit. She is close to bars...I would never treat the situation the same were she an 8 year old L4, but some of the same ideas apply. At 12, DD will look back and either say "I quit because I wasn't good enough to do L8 (not true)" OR if she still wants to quit after getting the skills, she is really done - which is of course sad but OK....at 8, I suspect its still important for your DD not to "run away from something that's hard" but to "run to something she wants".

DD went on this week to get a new bars skill, do her series on low beam and changed her whole attitude. I of course hope this means she will not quit - but she could just be being obedient and may still want to quit once she has all her stuff - in which case I have to accept that!