WAG Can she move past her Anxiety?

[esor]

My DD is a kid who has a certain amount of general anxiety. She is hard on herself and has a lot of negative self talk. So in gymnastics first she will gain new skills then she become anxious, hesitates, gets in her own head and spends a while fighting through it. She worries: what will coach think, what will my parents think, will I let them down, will I disappoint people, will I fail?
This holds her back and makes her life much more difficult than it needs to be. Coach sees she can do skills with no problem but then she regresses.

So my questions are has anyone experienced this that could share some insight, personal experiences or helpful tools she could use? Will it get better with age? Will it ultimately hold her back to the point of quiting? She hasn't mentioned quiting ever but her ability and head don't match

Littlegirlsdream, we are going through something similar, and my daughter is at the same age/same level. Almost 10, going level 8, extremely capable, but has a fear of giants on bars, and a little on her beam series. But she is working through it.

I think the coaches have such an impact on their ability to work through the skill. Mid-season as a level 7 she just up and stopped doing her giants for almost 3 weeks. Luckily, we didn't have a meet in those three weeks. At first, her coaches did tough love, that was disasterous and made it worse. After a conversation, they changed their approach and went supportive and helpful to get her through it, and it worked. 2 days after getting her giant back she competed and scored a 9 on bars, vs. scratching. I was so proud of her as I know what she went through to get that 9!

But now, we are working at level 8, and she is scared to do 2 giants. One giant is easy peasy now. Sigh. Her coaches have been awesome though, and they are working through it. What I have learned from this is as follows:
1) Coaching is also knowing psychology. I don't know how coaches do it as I think most don't have a psychology degree. But I have learned their approach can make or break fear issues with a gymnast, and coaching is way more than just teaching a skill.
2) If the child trusts the coach, it makes this process better. Trust is so important in getting through issues.
3) How much does the child want it? For my daughter, fear trumps "going for it" every time in practice on some skills. But, doing well at a competition, or achieving a specific goal trumps fear. She even told me she does better when it counts, and doesn't think about being afraid as much. Huh, go figure. If her coach tells her she gets a candy bar for doing X, even if she is scared of it, she will do X. Of course they can't do that all the time
4) I can't watch practice as much as I used to. This is because it's painful for me as a mom to watch the struggle. I am torn, because she is young. But I realize this is hers, and I can't fix it, I can only be supportive, tell her she is awesome, and tell her how proud I am of her for working so hard and pushing through her fear.
5) What a great life lesson too at a young age! Lets see 1:even if you are afraid, keep trying and don't give up (definately something that will help later in life), 2: not everything comes easy, but hard work pays off, etc.

I too am hoping she gets past this, but just hoping she continues to love the sport enough to keep doing it as she gets older, even if it's really hard and scary at times. I guess only time will tell, as the other threads don't offer the magic cure!

 

[Gymsanity]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. There is a lot of helpful advice to be gained on this forum.
To Gymsanity, wow...so I realize the post is full of questions with no concrete answers. I post it here on a forum with coaches, parents and gymnasts that have maybe had similar experiences and can shed a light on it for me. I do so in order to present it to an audience of adults. I of course do NOT express this to my DD in any fashion. I was not and am not a gymnast or coach but rather a parent who loves and cares for her children.

Seeing your child struggle is not easy and feeling upset when it occurs is not abnormal. Her coaches are not "stupid". She has been brought down to floor or low beam in the past. Prior to being sent to sit down she was given panels and put on a lower beam. Point was it was a skill she has and it wasn't going well. I am not questioning the way the coach handled it but rather what as a parent I can do to support her and perhaps vent my feelings a bit.

Not sure how you misunderstood my post, but I guess that's the nature of the internet. My point was that I sympathize with you and your daughter, and what you both are going through. To be a 10 year old level 8, she must be very driven, and most driven children tend to be extra hard on themselves, thus causing anxiety among other things. You know her coach, and if you believe they aren't 'stupid', I'll take your word for it. However, as a professional coach who has worked at coaching workshops, when I hear 'because we are all human coach will occasionally lose it with DD and kick her off event.' I tend to believe that that coach is 'uneducated.' Maybe 'stupid' was too strong of a word for you, but whatever you want to call it, that is not how any responsible coach would handle that situation with a child like your daughter. My experience (and brain) tells me that is only going to make your daughter more anxious, not less. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

 

[littlegirlsdream]

Thanks for the further explanation Gymsanity that all makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[Kidsgym]

Well, well sounds like i am not the ony one out there. and yes all sounds like my dd , age 8 , level 8 .
yes its very hard for a parent at first but now i think i learned the less you watch the better it is for both , coaches play biggest role , my dd has fantastic coach very patient( not like me) and working through her fears and i have to tell you for past year she made such progress . to be honest i think it will always be there but she is learing how to deal with it and fight it and results are amasing. Takes time, patience and hard work.
My dd is one of those that like to ccompete and show off , she will do it when it counts or someone is watching her like she is being doing it for ages. And then someones fall will set her back until she breaks through again....
No matter what just take her to practice and let her do what she likes , make sure coaches trying to help her and keep reminding her that she can do it just like other girls do (they all have "negative commitee " just some are mentaly stronger fighting them) She can do it .......Belive!!!!!

 

[BachFlyer]

First - I wholeheartedly agree with what Esor said about coaching being about psychology and trust. I wish I could make every coach get a degree or at least some formal training in those topics.

Second - I am an extremely anxious person myself. The way you describe your daughter with the general anxiety, questioning herself, wondering what everyone thinks/negative mental chatter, pretty much sums up my life until adulthood. Actually, it still persists, but it's a a little more under control now that I'm an adult with my own children. The one thing that I have now that I didn't have then is perspective. Perspective is the ability to sort out the truth about yourself or a situation from the big, chaotic picture. I wish that someone would have known that I needed help with this as a kid - because it was really hard for me to find the answers myself and sometimes still is. So saying things like, "I absolutely know that you can do x, y and z, because you've already accomplished a,b,c,d,e and it is more logical that you WILL be able to do it than NOT because of this," can be helpful. I try to frame things this way for my dd when she "thinks" she can't do something new, when there is simply no evidence of truth to her concerns. I give her permission to fail by reminding her it's no big deal, because she's failed before and then gotten back up to do it again. I tell her how much I respect her for trying, because I know that I couldn't do the things she does.

Another thing that might help is to remind her that it is perfectly normal to have doubts and worries, that lots of people do. I drove myself crazy for years and years, because I would over-think things and know it, but then feel bad and strange for not being able to stop, and then feel worse and spiral out of control. I have learned now to catch myself and say "is this thing really true, or is there any part of it that is just habit?". I also have to frequently remind myself that I am just a sensitive person - and while it is hard for me internally, it also can be a good thing because I am often the first person to notice when other people are feeling icky or questioning themselves. Maybe your dd is the same way, and when she finds herself getting caught up in her head, a quick way to get out of that space is to take a look around, and find someone else that might need some encouragement. It will distract her, and hopefully will also help her start to realize that using kind words to herself is ok.