Parents Can you teach competitive spirit or is it innate?

[GymBeeMom]

Can you teach a child with a talent (for anything, school, gym, etc?) to want to be the best? If you have a kid capable of amazing things can you teach them to WANT to win if they are generally content just being good at something? I have seen so many children with awesome talent not reach their potential because there was no fire in their belly. Can you teach that?

 

[gymdog]

I don't think it's necessary to teach that. If the child doesn't want to do gymnastics, they shouldn't be forced to do it.

I do think it's good to teach work ethic and general character traits. But if they are okay with not being the best, then that is fine. Actually people with that personality can have way less problems. Being an overachiever is no good if you burn out and have serious stress-based disorders.

 

[wallinbl]

Sure. Tiger Woods' dad took that to an extreme. Though, for some people, it's simply in their nature (it's in mine - I simply don't understand not wanting to excel at whatever you're doing).

 

[GymBeeMom]

I don't think it's necessary to teach that. If the child doesn't want to do gymnastics, they shouldn't be forced to do it.

I do think it's good to teach work ethic and general character traits. But if they are okay with not being the best, then that is fine. Actually people with that personality can have way less problems. Being an overachiever is no good if you burn out and have serious stress-based disorders.

I agree a child should not do gymnastics if they don't want to. Period. But a child with a high level dream will need a high level of drive. Can that competitive spirit be taught when the desire and ability is already there to achieve a goal? My own dd says she has big dreams. She is well on her way in ability and commitment to her sport. I sometimes wonder if her being "okay with failure" on the days it isn't working out so well means she won't have the competitive edge it will really take when the big dogs are in the house. She can brush off a bad day as no big deal. If she doesn't win medals at a meet, she is bummed but doesn't sweat it. That is a healthy attitude and I am grateful for her positive outlook on her own life. I do wonder if her willingness to be okay with not winning will hurt her when she is trying to reach those BIGGER goals down the road. Are the ones at the top the ones that are not okay with losing? I don't want to change my daughter but I am curious if she will develop the "winning attitude" or if she will always be content with "whatever happens." I see the drive in some girls and they are, indeed, some of the most amazing athletes in our gym.

 

[JBS]

Can you teach a child with a talent (for anything, school, gym, etc?) to want to be the best? If you have a kid capable of amazing things can you teach them to WANT to win if they are generally content just being good at something? I have seen so many children with awesome talent not reach their potential because there was no fire in their belly. Can you teach that?

Yes...ever watch Karate Kid?

...Cobra Kai.

 

[MaryA]

My DD does pretty well in meets, and always improves steadily over the course of meet season, so she is obviously motivated by the competition. But I never get the feeling she is out to beat anyone. Her drive is to do her best and to achieve her own goals. I also think there is an element of being a performer in a meet situation ("I need to do well because everybody is watching me") and also the desire to not let her coach down. Anyway, I think my point is that you can be driven and goal-oriented without necessarily being overly competitive.

 

[JBS]

Ultimately...the Karate Kid had more desire to...

...crush people...

...it was just part of his life...not trained.

 

[gwenmom]

I think there is an innate drive in certain people that allows them to push themselves beyond what others will do and endure. I think that to some extent people can be encouraged in this drive if they find a passion for something.

I see the difference in my kids. DD is 7 and highly competitive and driven to do her best in just about anything. DS is 10 and is satisfied with 'good enough.' DD needs very little pushing to do anything as her own internal drives is all she needs most of the time. DS is like pulling teeth and there are days I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. He knows WE expect him to do his best and does what he needs to meet that expectation but on his own he would be satisfied with good enough.

I am not just referring to gymnastics. It seems to carry over to all aspects of life. Relationships, school, sports and every day activities.

 

[Gymmommy71]

My DD does pretty well in meets, and always improves steadily over the course of meet season, so she is obviously motivated by the competition. But I never get the feeling she is out to beat anyone. Her drive is to do her best and to achieve her own goals. I also think there is an element of being a performer in a meet situation ("I need to do well because everybody is watching me") and also the desire to not let her coach down. Anyway, I think my point is that you can be driven and goal-oriented without necessarily being overly competitive.

Your DD sounds just like mine.

 

[dani4]

Your DD sounds just like mine.

Her DD sounds like me, except I'm not a gymnast

I love competing, and I love learning new things and doing well and working hard and all that- I'm not a slacker. And yes, I like to win. But I don't freak out about losing. And I think part of me expects to lose, so that when I lose it's like "Ok, I just lost, whatever, back to work." And when I win, it's icing on the cake. In sports, in academics, in my career. The only time when losing pisses me off is when I know I'm the best, and I just screwed up. That happens sometimes.

So if I think about myself now and as a child, I don't think it would have ever been possible to light a fire in my belly. And I think most people like me probably won't really be changed by another person. You can get a person to want to win something specific, you can motivate them for specific tasks or competitions, but not to have competitive drive that comes from within. I remember a specific thing.. when I was a camp counselor back when I was 19 there was a doubles tennis tournament. I was paired with a friend, a counselor from Mexico. She wasn't a very good tennis player. I was pretty good- not great, but yes I could play. We had to play against a similarly uneven team- the better player was much better than me (or so I thought- she was definitely fitter), and the worse player was pretty lousy. We probably would have lost, except after the first game my teammate looked me in the eye, smiled intensely, and said very seriously in her super cute Mexican accent "I Want To Win." I was like, uh.. ok, then I guess we'll just have to win. And win we did, and I carried us. But if she hadn't said that, and if I didn't really like her and want to do it for her (because she wanted it so badly), maybe we wouldn't have. It was an interesting lesson for me.

Since then, I'm really only motivated to win by external factors... if I sense a rivalry with my opponent, I want to win. When I didn't make a particular team, so I joined a different team in the same city, I HAD to beat the boats from the team that turned me down. Or at least I had to really die trying. But if it was some unknown opponent.. eh, whatever, let's try.

 

[iwannacoach]

Fire in their belly. I don't know if that's something you can nurture, unless you're into movies like Psycho. I think there's graduating levels of "fire" each kid starts out with, and it gets there in a few different ways.

Me? Here's my story, uhmm, with perhaps a few exaggerations strategically placed for your amusement. I think it started early for me. We (family) didn't have much more than the basic neccessities, and had to live a "do it yourself" lifestyle by repairing anything that ever broke down, wearing mostly hand me downs, and well, to give you an idea of how it was, I think I was 12 years old before I found out that people earned a living by repairing things, remodeling houses, or building cabinets. Geez, it was so bad that I has to entertain myself with few crooked sticks and a pile of rocks the size of ping pong balls. Sure it got better as the years passed, and by the time I was 15 the walk to school was uphill in just one direction instead of each way. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the only way I could ever have as much, or more than most kids was through sports. If I worked harder than them, it didn't cost a dime, and the extra work helped me do better than them.

I started gymnastics my 2nd year of high school that had opened the previous year, and had no idea how badly we were set up to participate in the sport. Our coach was there because he'd failed to land a coaching position in the school football program, the highlight of his gymnastics background, and we had only the minimum of equipment with very few kids using them, so we pretty much looked more like a clown act than a gym team.

I think my fire was put there by kids from other school gym teams making fun of me and the entire team I was on. I didn't like what they'd say, so I set out to give them nothing to talk about. It pretty much worked too, except they must have said something to themselves when they discovered I'd passed every single one them just two years later. So take from that what you will.

I know kids can be good competitors as an extension of their love for the sport, and they do quite well. Some eventually recognize the value in setting a goal that exceeds anything they previously envisioned, and some walk away after their first sprained ankle. The kids who are true competitors are driven by the podium, and love for the sport sometimes takes a back seat to results. So while there may be some kids who seem competitive by nature, I'd suggest they're competitive drive compensates for some other event/factor in their childhood. It's something you see all over sports, look around, it's pretty easy to see.

 

[NewtoGym]

I believe that competitiveness is mostly in a child's makeup. I am sure it can be fostered, encouraged or even pushed upon, but unless it is from the child's desire to excel, it will be half-hearted and probably futile. Now, with that being said, I cannot tell you how amazing I feel it would be to have your child's disposition! Especially since she is so young (I think 8?) Think how different her gym experience would be if she was getting upset over a bad practice or a meet where she came in second instead of 1st? Imagine how the anxiety of the internal pressure she might put upon herself and even how this competitive spirit might drive her from the sport she loves! She is a lucky girl and I can guarantee that she is better off and a happier person because of how she is. It sounds like she is a talented young girl and to have a happy, healthy little one is pretty great. Don't worry too much about what it will take to make it to elite yet. Let her enjoy gym and childhood. If she wants it and the stars align, I am sure you will see her competitive spirit!

 

[skschlag]

I think competitive spirit looks different in each person. My dh and I were both "team" sport people. I played basketball, soccer, softball, and tennis (and swimming and diving). My drive was for my team to win. And it was for the WIN. DH was football/baseball and had that same feeling. YOu shoudl WANT to WIN.

For my ds, gymnastics is different. His drive is to learn the next skill. He wants his team to do well, so his drive is to push his teammates to improve. While he likes to win, he also likes to ground out every .1 in each routine, so to him, the competitiveness is with himself. It is getting that skill, keeping his legs together, or adding the bonus that drives him. Not so much the WIN.

It is sometimes something that dh and I have to sit back and realize. If he doesn't place well at a meet, we can be sad for him. But he will come bouncing out excited that he hit his handstand, or stuck his landings, or nailed his front pike. I thikn that could be looked at as not really having that drive, but in reality, his drive is more for the long-term gain than short term.

 

[MaryA]

So while there may be some kids who seem competitive by nature, I'd suggest they're competitive drive compensates for some other event/factor in their childhood. It's something you see all over sports, look around, it's pretty easy to see.

So maybe if I beat my kid a little bit more, hugged her a little bit less she'd be more competitive? Hmmm... worth a try...

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Oh my I could write a book on competetiveness !

It does manifest itself in different ways. I never considered myself competetive and never competed in sport in school, however I am intellectually competetive - I love quizzes of any sort and always try my hardest in everything I do. My parents mantra when I was small was "if you are going to do something - do it to the best of your ability or don't do it at all!".

OH is a bit different - he is very laissez faire about most things in life - except sport, where his mantra is "there is no such place as second place".

We have 3 children, No 1 son is a clone of his dad, lazy as in school, chores etc, a demon on the sports field. Smallest guy on the rugy team by a foot and the hardest tackler and worker of the ball, most hard working rower in the boat and HATES to loose.

No 2 son has no drive whatsoever, not so keen on sport, except cricket, is quite happy to loose everytime as long as everyone gets on.

No 3 - Pink and Fluffy, Over acheiver extrodinaire, top of her class for everything, was reading her brothers reading books at 4 when they were at school, learned her 12 times tables before No 1 son ( who is 5 1/2 years older), LOATHES to loose at anything, ever, ever, ever !

This has been they way they have been since birth. No 1 and Pink and fluffy fight all the time, No 2 is the mediator. I don't ever worry about No 2 - he will have a happy and conteted life no matter what he does, but the other two not so sure. The great thing about gym is it has taught P&F several valuable life lessons -

1. Nothing worthwhile comes easily ( like everything else in life has) and you have to work at stuff
2. Don't quit the minute things get hard
3. You are really talented and a worthwhile person
4. How to loose - if not with grace then without a total hissey fit

So no - it cannot be taught, it can be encoraged and brought out in a reserved child with low self-estime, but if its there, its there !

 

[iwannacoach]

So maybe if I beat my kid a little bit more, hugged her a little bit less she'd be more competitive? Hmmm... worth a try...

Oh geez MaryA, I think you shouldn't go to that extreme..... unless you have an orchestra all cued up for a screeching violin riff.

I wish it weren't true, but I participated in a sport prior to gymnastics, and was pretty good at it. There were a couple of other kids who were a year younger and two years older than I who were being coached by "daddy dearest" and it was that bad. There wasn't a single workout where that PITA didn't cuff his two boys about the head and belittle them to provoke more effort.

The younger boy was frequently on the verge of tears, and it mad me feel kinda guilty to enjoy my workout with that going on in the background. Worse still...... their dad used to make references to me as the kid to beat as be pushed, cuffed, and thumped his two boys. I mean this guy was tougher on his kids than Sargent Carter was to Gomer Pyle, and could make most screeming gymnastics coaches look sweeter than Mister Rogers.... Now, can you say "google that"...... I knew you could.

It was pretty sad because they seldom seemed happy and they never won in the competitions.

 

[Flossyduck]

I'm not at all competitive and have never been in to competitive sport myself (I did dance), but I do like to do everything as well as I can and like to keep testing myself/learning. My other half is a bit of a bodger... Daughter always wants to be the best at everything - accelerated at school and miss goody two shoes in the gym. Her brothers - not really worried what people think of them at all! I put her in to gym because I don't like competitive sports and thought it was the sort of place they could make personal goals, feel part of a team and not have to try and beat people directly. In short I thought it would be less confrontational and stressful. Think I might have been a wee bit naïve...

 

[jmanmommmy]

My daughter's competitive drive seems to be more self-driven. She is highly motiviated to do her best and loves trying new things. She wants to place high, but it's not really about beating other people.

Though she knows she would get a "consequence" (grounded from movies or playdates or whatever for a bit), if I ever hear her verbally criticizing or making fun of any other kid at the gym. She is banned from the catty little conversations I've seen a few parents allow from their kids to get away with that hurt feelings. So she probably doesn't verbalize some of her competitiveness because she knows the standard under my roof is to be kind and humble....

She had a good friend who started at her gym recently. She asked me, oh mom, what will i do if she gets, gasp BETTER than me? I said, well I'm not sure, but my guess is that we will probably be the ones cheering the loudest for her! She smiled and said yeah you are probably right. Little teachable moments.... And a little fear of consequences.... And bribery.... Happen all the time under my roof.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Organizational psychologists use two different attributes to describe what we're discussing. "Competitiveness" and "Need for Achievement". General consensus is they are both innate. Sounds like a lot of our gymmies are super high on the "need for achievement" scale, but not necessarily on the "competitiveness" scale. We've all met people in all walks of life who REALLY want to win...but lack the will or drive to actually become their best, talk about frustrating (try managing one of them at work!)! Out of four children, only my youngest has a high "need to achieve"...naturally gymnastics appears to be a wonderful fit for her. It's as much a part of her nature as shining is to the sun. The others want to be loved and accepted, but have very little desire to be perceived as exceptional...except by their parents, of course!

 

[gymmiemom]

I think it's ingrained in a person. I do believe that it has the ability to grow or become more important in different aspects as time goes on. I have two kids that are competitive. But neither one of them is necassarily out to beat anyone, they are just very hard on themselves and are always pushing themselves to achieve the next level.

DS is this way when it comes to school. The kid has not had one B on an assignment or a report card in over 3 years. He is constantly pushing himself. He is that way in football too (though that doesn't come as easily as school). He is that kid at practice who doesn't have the most natural ablitily but by far has the most try. His coaches always always commend him on his work ethic.

Middle DD is my gymnast. She is always pushing herself to get the next skill. Or to get stronger. Or to score better. So far things have come pretty easily for her, so it will be interesting to see how she handles herself when something doesn't. She did for the first time at states place lower than her teamates (who are in different age groups) and was confused as to why since she scored better. I guess it hadn't occured to her how awards really work before then. She wasn't upset with her teammates really, but I guess that competitive edge did come out at that point. We had a big talk about it, and I know it took every ounce of stregnth for her not to say anything when one of the girls was bragging about her silver medal when my DD got a bronze in the same event with a higher score at the gym later that week. It was a good lesson on sportsmanship for her.