Child's guilt about switching gyms

[MaryA]

10-year-old DD has been in a YMCA gym for half her life and is truly ready for bigger and better things. We have visited the new gym, met the coaches, and are both impressed by everything (well, DD isn't thrilled about having dance be part of her gym instruction, but I am). I've been trying to leave this decision up to her... at least this year. Next year, when she's ready for optionals, I was ready to become more insistant about the switch. Today they had a "get to know you" picnic, which DD wanted to go to, and seemed to click with a lot of the other girls. At the picnic, there was an order form for t-shirts. I said, "Do you want to order a t-shirt?" and she said, "But we don't know for sure that I'm going to come here." I said, "What is holding you back?" and she said, "Guilt." I said, "If we take guilt out of the picture, what is holding you back?" and she said, "Nothing." She has said before that she feels guilty about leaving because she thinks her current head coach thinks of her as someone who would never leave. To be honest, I feel the same way. I totally get where she is coming from. But I also don't feel like she (or I) should be letting guilt enter into the decision-making process. If she (and I) truly feels like this place is a better fit for her now (which in no way negates the wonderful things her current gym has done for her in her young life) then I don't think guilt should hold her back. Have any of you dealt with this issue? How do you talk to your child about how great it is to be a devoted and loyal person vs letting guilt hold you back from making the decision that's right for you? Knowing that she does think that the new gym is a good fit for her, is it time for me to just be the parent, put my foot down and say, "You're trying it this year. If you're not happy, we can reconsider our options next year." What do you think?

 

[B&M's mom]

We just went through this. Last year, we knew that my then 10 year old would have to move gyms but she really didn't want to. She and I discussed it and mutually decided that she could one last year at her old gym. It actually worked quite well. She knew that at the end of the season, she would move. It gave her a chance to mentally say good bye and look forward to the challenge of the new gym. By the time came, she was able to transistion to the new gym with very little hesitation.

I was able to talk to the coaches and let them know what was going on. They knew that she would be leaving at the end of the session and why. She was in a Parks & Rec. club which did optionals but had very limited practice time. She was topping out and needed to leave or stay at that level for the rest of her gymnastics career. We actually got a lot of support from the coaches and still have an excellent relationship.

Talking it through with my daughter helped a lot. She was in on the decision making which was important for her as it's really her life. It's made the transistion to the new gym so much easier as she doesn't feel guilty about the decision. In fact, she's embraced the new gym and more than doubled her training time happily.

 

[gymnastgets10]

I don't really have any solutions, but I had a similar experience. I started out at a rather small gym and was pretty successful in compulsories, but my parents wanted me to move to a bigger gym. I couldn't see past the fact that I would be leaving my teammates and coaches and always refused to try out at other gyms. After level 6, my first gym closed and I was forced to look at other options, and I love the gym I'm at now - they have more equipment, training aids, more experienced coaches and better spotters. Now I'm sorry that I didn't move sooner; I feel like I could have progressed a lot more and gotten to a higher level - as it is, I probably won't get past level 8 before I graduate - but I'm also not sure if I could have made myself move before. So I guess it's important for her to realize that this is the best thing that she can do for her gymnastics and she doesn't have to feel guilty because the Y gym can't give her what she needs to progress as quickly as she could. Maybe she can still visit the y gym sometimes or have some parties with her old teammates (some friends from my first gym just had a reunion for the closed gym that was really fun) so that she still feels connected to her old team while realizing she's part of a better gym now? I hope at least some of this helps!!!

 

[MaryA]

Maybe she can still visit the y gym sometimes or have some parties with her old teammates (some friends from my first gym just had a reunion for the closed gym that was really fun) so that she still feels connected to her old team while realizing she's part of a better gym now? I hope at least some of this helps!!!

Thanks for your perspective! I do worry that DD will regret it if she doesn't move sooner rather than later. I have told her that she can have a sleepover with her YMCA friends and have also told her that I will bring as many of her Y friends as want to come to the community open gym times at her new gym.

 

[Faith]

Is it worth discussing with her what she wants from her gymnastics career, and point out that at her current gym she might not reach the high levels she could be capable of if that's she wants? Tell her it's OK to feel guilty, but her old coaches will want her to be the best she can too, they'd rather see her progress than keep her in a gym that might hold her back.

As someone else suggested too, maybe involve her current coach, and agree that they'll be happy to have her back should it not work out, or she wants to take a step back and return to fun levels.

 

[All Chalked Up]

That was me this year, though with a different sport. Your daughter knows the other gym is a better choice and only guilt is holding her back, like you stated. My old coach (someone who I really do admire) put his foot down and said "you're trying this." I had been wrestling for school & given an invitation to a higher-level wrestling team and felt bad about leaving our very small school team. I probably wouldn't have left if he hadn't had made me.

As it turns out, it'll really benefit me. I may get a wrestling scholorship to college and maybe even wrestle in the Canada Games!


If your daughter wants to go but guilt is holding her back, put your foot down- she'll probably thank you later.

 

[cher062]

Kids bounce back very quickly and once she is there the guilt will disappear. Take the guilt out of her hands and make the decision you both really want - move to the new gym that way if YOU make the decision and someone asks her she can say my mom made me move. She get the new gym where you both want to be and she can put up a guiltless face blaming it on you.

 

[MaryA]

Kids bounce back very quickly and once she is there the guilt will disappear. Take the guilt out of her hands and make the decision you both really want - move to the new gym that way if YOU make the decision and someone asks her she can say my mom made me move. She get the new gym where you both want to be and she can put up a guiltless face blaming it on you.

Yes, even in the typing of the original post, this is pretty much the decision I came up with. And as far as kids go, my gymnast DD is one of the bouncing-back-iest. It's nice to have some validation though. One always has to be worried about the crazy gym mom lurking in her soul, right?

 

[cher062]

Yes, even in the typing of the original post, this is pretty much the decision I came up with. And as far as kids go, my gymnast DD is one of the bouncing-back-iest. It's nice to have some validation though. One always has to be worried about the crazy gym mom lurking in her soul, right?

LOL Well we all have that crazy mom and lets face it as a gym mom its not lurking LOL. who else except a gym day would spend all that time getting bleacher blisters at meets, do all that driving back and forth. Breath in 20 gallons of hair spray doing hair, break out the 2 tons of ointment and bandaids for the rip, tears, bruises and other abrasion of or kids. and then sit in the waiting area in 90+ degrees with 99% humidity waiting for our kids to finish practice. Certainly are the "Normal Moms" LOL

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

In time the guilt will disappear. It is sortof like quitting a job you have had for many years. The hardest part is telling them you are leaving. I think once that has been done the guilt will lessen a bit.

Poor girl!! Those guilt feelings are just yucky!! Good luck at the new gym! I am sure she will make new friends and enjoy the new gym!!!

 

[gymcritter]

We went through 2 years ago.. we were at a great gym since we had moved here and we loved the coach's. My DH even worked with the coach's GF. We really liked it there but dd was ready for more an d they didn't have that opportunity to adance like our new gym has. we felt guilty and sad but once at thenew gym we have been so happy and dd felt better right away she still asks how we think her old coach is or wants tto stop by and say hi but no guilt and we are sure we did the right thing!

 

[gym law mom]

I think you need to sit down and discuss all this with you dd. Being at the picnic she may have felt there was pressure for her to commit to the new gym. At her age she needs to be in agreement with the gym change and not feels she's doing it because mom is making her or to please you.
If she thinks that doing this season with her Y team is the way she would feel the best about moving on, then respect those wishes. I've found out from personal experience that trying to push a strong willed gymmie to a gym that she doesn't want to be at caused a huge amount of emotional angst for both of us....but more for her.

 

[MaryA]

I think you need to sit down and discuss all this with you dd. Being at the picnic she may have felt there was pressure for her to commit to the new gym. At her age she needs to be in agreement with the gym change and not feels she's doing it because mom is making her or to please you.
If she thinks that doing this season with her Y team is the way she would feel the best about moving on, then respect those wishes. I've found out from personal experience that trying to push a strong willed gymmie to a gym that she doesn't want to be at caused a huge amount of emotional angst for both of us....but more for her.

Yes, this is the tale end of weeks and weeks of discussion about this. It got to the point where I knew she wanted to switch. She, on her on accord (which impressed the heck out of me), made up a "pros" and "cons" list for switching, and her "pros" list was about twice as long as her "cons" list. I think that, if she truly didn't want to switch, she would have manipulated the data . I wouldn't have forced her... at least not this year... but we talked about it last night. I said, "So, I see you've been working on your list?" and she said, "Yes." I said, "It looks like you've found a lot to like about the new gym." to which she again said, "Yes." I said, "So, it sounds like we have our decision then." And she asked "I'm switching?" I said yes. She said, "O.K. but I still feel guilty." I was about to start a discussion about sometimes in life you have to make difficult decisions, blah, blah, grownup junk, blah... but then she and her sister started talking about how many of the caterpillars they had caught had made cacoons already, and then they both ran downstairs talking and laughing. She's seemed really stressed out these past few days, which is unusual for her, but it seemed like, as soon as I said, "The decision is made. You're switching." the stress drained away from her and she hasn't said anything about feeling guilty since. Today she was yammering on about the "new team" picnic yesterday, and how, because she's the same size as the coach's daughter, she got to try on the REAL leo and the REAL warm-ups rather than just the generic "try them on for size" leos and warm-ups that they were using to size girls, and how awesome they were, and how nice the coach's daughter is, and how she sometimes has trouble with her tucks, "just like me!" So I am feeling SO much better. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And I think from DD's too.

 

[UnoMas]

My DD's just switched gyms a couple months ago and for older DD, guilt was definitely part of the picture. I know she never thought she would leave the old gym. I know she still misses it sometimes and still looks back every now and then...a lot of it has to do with friends. It's hard to stay connected to old friends when you are always in the gym!! It's tough but if the switch is right then you and your DD will know it and although she will miss the old gym it will get easier each day.

I had a good talk with her about the fact that EVERYONE will leave the gym eventually, gym is not forever, etc etc etc. I let her know that some would leave earlier and some would leave later and that being afraid to leave was not a good reason to stay. She was actually very mature about it and I was really proud of her.

Good luck. It is hard but it sounds like she knows she needs to make the switch. Keep us posted!