Coach feelings over moms

[Hopeful]

My 10 year old daughter came home last night frustrated and crying about a bully story at her gym (bully-12/13 y/o), she sat in our family room and told our whole family. I thought I responded appropriately and let her coach know about the situation. To my surprise he told me he was aware of it via another gymnast and was going to handle it. But where I become totally baffled is when she attended the meeting with the "bully" and her coach she recanted the notion of the girl being a bully! She told our family that it was because she didn't want to rock the boat at the gym! She didnt want her Coach to think she was any part of "drama", which is dispised of at her gym. She said she wanted the meeting to be over with as soon as she walked in his office.

Now don't get me wrong here but I am totally in awe that my own daughter chose to toss aside her integrity, honesty, and everything feeling she shared with her whole family to try and not make her Coach upset. She thought that if she down-played the bullying situations that it would go away faster and she could get back to gymnastics. I really am dumbfounded here; I don't like that my daughter can accept being bullied and lie about it to try and make it go away. I feel trapped because I can't go back to the Coach and say "Hey sorry, but my kid who loves you and respects you so much, lied. She really is getting bullied daily." I feel like my own kid finally did what many gym mums talk about; gave more weight to the Coach being happy with her than that of her mother and family. I know he is really the best Coach she has ever had and is a wonderful person to boot. But I am upset about ... I guess me being tossed.

The Coach wants a unified team of gymnasts and parents. So I would totally feel like the outcast parent if I said "forget that!... I want my kid to stand up for her self!!"

 

[gymgal]

How much detail do you really know about the bullying going on? Have you heard it from other parents/gymnasts? If so, then I think it is your responsibility as a parent to not allow this to happen and you have to talk with the coach yourself, no matter how mad your dd will get with you. But it is possible that your dd was putting a little drama into and when faced with owning up to it, she backed off. Only you know your dd well enough to know if she is being sincere or embellishing the incident. Can you discreetly talk with other parents to get other girls' take on the incidents?

Also, if the coach is aware of the situation from another gymnast and feels it is a true bullying incident, I would give him/her time to deal with it. That "non-meeting" may have been enough to put the accused bully in her place.

 

[bogwoppit]

It is the coach that is in the wrong and not your DD. Putting her in a room with the bully to "talk it out" is not conducive to fixing the problem. SO now your DD is victimised by the bully and the coach, nice!

It is your job as her parent to stand up for her and make sure this isn't happening. I get that you want your kid "to stand up for herself" but she is 10, the bully is older and the coach is clearly way older still. This is intimidation and the only fix is you stepping in and saying this isn't okay and it will not be solved by sit down chats with the bully.

 

[Hopeful]

It is the typical big kid picking on the little, meeker one. Seen by other older teen age girls. Mine is usually "protected" by them, and told she should stand her ground when told to move to the back line or get off a beam, etc. This "bully" has had similar actions at a previous gym we all attended. But since we have moved to a new and trimmed down smaller gym, targets have gotten smaller. My dd does the opposite of embellishing, she leaves a bunch out. She runs from controversy. The other girl actually sunk her boat more by owning up to many of the actions during their meeting. The Coach acknowledged seeing the behaviour and stating that he had this same problem with her in the past at the old gym! He did put her in her place. But for how long? Mine won't be the one to talk. The other parents know the girl and send their condolences. My real issue here is how do I deal with my own daughter wanting to please the Coach more than doing the right thing expressed by her family.

 

[bogwoppit]

Deal with the issue in the gym. DD is feeling totally intimidated by everyone, including the coach. She is 10. Yes it would be lovely if she would stand up for herself, but you need to do it for her now. She will learn from you.

 

[Hopeful]

You know bogwoppit, now that I rethink of it. I really am not surprised that dd didn't confirm the bullying had taken place. She said that she didn't want to be the "bad person" for making waves. She is easily intimidated. I am sure she was shaken sitting there with her bully and the person she admires most. Afraid of making one mad and the other disappointed. I just wish she would keep alittle bit of what we teach her with her when she is with her Coach too.

 

[bogwoppit]

Don't make her feel worse than she does. She knows she was bullied, as do you, in fact so does the coach. Deal with the gym issue and she will trust that you are on her side.

Not every kid is capable of standing up for themselves against "authority figures" at that young age. In fact we spend so much time reminding them to be respectful of their elders that they might think it rude to "tell it like it is".

Being sat down in a room with a bully and an "elder" is extremely intimidating.

 

[gymgal]

This will take time and a lot of little talks about standing up for yourself and "doing the right thing". I have a dd that avoids confrontation and I was like this as a child as well. Find ways to talk about it that aren't directly related to her - books, tv, movies.

I think its important to see it from her side too. At 10, its not so much that she is going againt what you are teaching her, but more that she is trying to make the best of a situation that she has to be in long term. And a 10yr old thinks very concretely - not looking into the future and how what she does now will affect future dealings. She only wants to make sure her coach isn't mad with her because that is the "here and now".

On a side note, it sounds like the coach is handling it. Dealing with these types of "bullies" is an ongoing process. But if the coach had previous incidents, there should be a closer watch put on her.

 

[mommyof1]

You might want to check out the book "Little Girls Can Be Mean" by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert, which deals with bullying among girls aged 5 - 12. Its main message is that parents need to listen to their daughters without openly judging their feelings or reactions to bullying, and to help their daughters come up with their own solutions instead of just telling them what to do. Of course, parental intervention with the coach/teacher may be required, but girls still need to be in charge of their own responses to bullying. Some of the suggestions in the book are pretty unrealistic (e.g., writing a letter to the bully--that's just asking for more trouble!), but it's a thought-provoking read.

The American Girl book "Stand Up For Yourself and Your Friends" is aimed directly at girls, but your daughter is at the upper end of the book's target age range.

 

[Hopeful]

I want to thank everyone for all their help. Each one of you gain me the insight to take better steps with my daughter! Thank you again!

 

[SignHere]

Also, check out the book "Queen Bees and Wanna-bes" by Rosalind Wiseman - written by an anthropologist who studied pre-teen and teenaged girls and the movie "Mean Girls" was based on it!

It has been helpful for me to help my daughter deal with bullies ... but it is useful in that it is extremely helpful in understanding the mindset of the bully and the why's of bullying.