Parents Daughter doesn't like nickname given by coach

[gasrgoose]

Make the next conversation memorable to the coach. Don't worry about what they think of you, just get your point across. You don't have to explain much or apologize. Just tell them not to call your daughter that name. "Hey I know we talked about this previously but Susie doesn't like being called 'coodles'. It upsets her which upsets me. I do not want her called 'coodles' anymore. Thanks, I know you are busy, see you next practice." I'm very friendly with our coaches but they all (current gym and previous gyms) have known I will protect my daughter and that I'm looking out for her best. That's my role in this craziness. If the coach doesn't respond to the next conversation do you really want them coaching your child?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

For those who don't get why a kid should speak up. It is about advocating for themselves. That takes practice. If they are old enough to be in a competitive sport they are old enough to start advocating for themselves. And how they wish to be called is nice place to learn. Its very clear, no gray. And not anything anyone including a grown up should be arguing about.

Really if a kid has been to preschool, they should be very clear on how they want to be referred to and able to say so.

You role play, you practice. And you stand by them until they are comfortable.

But seriously, children need to learn to speak up for themselves. They do that, by actually doing it.

ETA- If a child can't speak up about their name, how could they ever speak up to nasty teammates or abusive coaches. These are learned skills, the earlier they start learning the better.

 

[JessSyd]

For those who don't get why a kid should speak up. It is about advocating for themselves. That takes practice. If they are old enough to be in a competitive sport they are old enough to start advocating for themselves. And how they wish to be called is nice place to learn. Its very clear, no gray. And not anything anyone including a grown up should be arguing about.

Really if a kid has been to preschool, they should be very clear on how they want to be referred to and able to say so.

You role play, you practice. And you stand by them until they are comfortable.

But seriously, children need to learn to speak up for themselves. They do that, by actually doing it.

ETA- If a child can't speak up about their name, how could they ever speak up to nasty teammates or abusive coaches. These are learned skills, the earlier they start learning the better.

I strongly disagree with this. Many six year olds, especially those with quiet personalities are completely unable to question authority figures no matter how much they role play the skill in a 'safe' environment. Many six year olds couldn't even do it with their parent standing right beside them for support. It is hard enough for teens and adults, clearly, or there would not be the current issues within USAG around people like Nasser.

These skills come with maturity. My daughter would not have been able to do it at six. But three years on she has developed these skills and can appropriately speak up for herself. She did not need me to throw her in the deep end to sort out conflict with an authority figure at a very young age. She developed those skills by an age appropriate point.

Plus, what do you think happens when six year olds tell trusted adults about emotional abuse (a mildly degrading nickname is on the slippery slope to this) and their trusted adult basically says 'well that is your problem to sort out, let us do some role play'. They won't confide in that adult again will they? And that makes them more, not less, vulnerable in the future.

At six, a kid just needs to know that their parents are listening and have their back. There is plenty of time for the rest.

 

[RosellaJam]

You need to speak to the coach again and re-iterate that your DD does not like this nickname and she needs to be called by her proper name. At six, I wouldn't expect her to be able to speak up to the coach by herself but perhaps she could be with you when you speak to the coach, which will help her learn how to tackle these types of situations.

If it continues though I would speak to the head coach as it's really not acceptable.

 

[gasrgoose]

For those who don't get why a kid should speak up. It is about advocating for themselves. That takes practice. If they are old enough to be in a competitive sport they are old enough to start advocating for themselves. And how they wish to be called is nice place to learn. Its very clear, no gray. And not anything anyone including a grown up should be arguing about.

Really if a kid has been to preschool, they should be very clear on how they want to be referred to and able to say so.

You role play, you practice. And you stand by them until they are comfortable.

But seriously, children need to learn to speak up for themselves. They do that, by actually doing it.

ETA- If a child can't speak up about their name, how could they ever speak up to nasty teammates or abusive coaches. These are learned skills, the earlier they start learning the better.

In my opinion and experience you are wrong. If that works for your kids, great. But that is not a realistic expectation for a 6 year old child and a coach. At 6 even 8,10,12,16 your kids need to know you will back them up. Sure there are times to let them figure things out on their own, but not in this situation.

In preschool here, they teach kids to stand in line without touching another kid, to not talk when the teacher is talking, to share, to complete a task in a given amount of time, to put the crayons back where they belong, etc.. But they don't teach the kid to correct the teacher if they step out of line, craziness!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

In my opinion and experience you are wrong. If that works for your kids, great. But that is not a realistic expectation for a 6 year old child and a coach. At 6 even 8,10,12,16 your kids need to know you will back them up. Sure there are times to let them figure things out on their own, but not in this situation.

In preschool here, they teach kids to stand in line without touching another kid, to not talk when the teacher is talking, to share, to complete a task in a given amount of time, to put the crayons back where they belong, etc.. But they don't teach the kid to correct the teacher if they step out of line, craziness!

Whose not backing a kid up. You don't let them flounder and fend for themselves. You teach, guide and support them in advocating for themselves.

My kids, I includes nieces and nephews, have been crystal clear about what they want to be called. And were taught to politely correct folks young and old who wanted to call them something other. Goodness, my nephew Nicholas at three would set you straight if you called him Nicky.

Learning to advocate for themselves is a process. Much like learning to talk, you don't wait until a child is ready to speak to start talking to them.

And someone who doesn't respect a kid wishes on their name deserves to be called out.

This a huge issue for girls. Standing up for themselves.... Many books have been written....

 

[gymmomx2]

Whose not backing a kid up. You don't let them flounder and fend for themselves. You teach, guide and support them in advocating for themselves.

My kids, I includes nieces and nephews, have been crystal clear about what they want to be called. And were taught to politely correct folks young and old who wanted to call them something other. Goodness, my nephew Nicholas at three would set you straight if you called him Nicky.

Learning to advocate for themselves is a process. Much like learning to talk, you don't wait until a child is ready to speak to start talking to them.

And someone who doesn't respect a kid wishes on their name deserves to be called out.

This a huge issue for girls. Standing up for themselves.... Many books have been written....

This sounds ideal unless you have a shy child who has a hard time talking to adults about pleasant topics, let alone difficult topics that require asking the adult to change their behavior. Honestly, there is a huge power imbalance in this situation and that can be hard for many kids. Learning to advocate for yourself is a life-long process, at six years old there is NOTHING wrong with the parent having a chat with the coach if the child is not ready to tackle the situation.

 

[gasrgoose]

Whose not backing a kid up. You don't let them flounder and fend for themselves. You teach, guide and support them in advocating for themselves.

My kids, I includes nieces and nephews, have been crystal clear about what they want to be called. And were taught to politely correct folks young and old who wanted to call them something other. Goodness, my nephew Nicholas at three would set you straight if you called him Nicky.

Learning to advocate for themselves is a process. Much like learning to talk, you don't wait until a child is ready to speak to start talking to them.

And someone who doesn't respect a kid wishes on their name deserves to be called out.

This a huge issue for girls. Standing up for themselves.... Many books have been written....

All that sounds great, but we are discussing the situation describe by the OP. The coach has already been asked by the parent to not use the nickname and it is still being used. And a three year old is much different from a 6 year old. At 3 it is simply a fact to the child, my name is Nicholas not Nicky. It's likely the 3 year old doesn't even recognize the connection between the names. A 6 year old who loves a sport and wants to please the coach being called a nickname is in a much different scenario.

But we can agree to disagree.

I hope this situation is resolved for the OP. I'd hate for the little girl to stop liking gymnastics because a clueless coach is making her uncomfortable.

 

[rjb123]

I think that maybe having you, the coach and your child have a sit down might help. Possibly prep the coach with how upsetting this is for your child and so she wants to talk to the coach about the nickname. I would encourage you to prep your child with exactly what to say to the coach- practice it multiple times, so that they can do it when faced with the actual situation. I would think that any coach who was faced with a little six year old explaining to them how they feel about the nickname would back down from it. Probably apologize. If they did not, well, do you really want your child coached by this type of person? Another option is to have an honest conversation with your child and say "look, I have talked to coach X and asked him/her to stop. They have not. These are our options: you can ignore it, you can confront them with my support during a scheduled meeting, or we can find another gym/ activity". How your child reacts to these options might give you some insight into what they are thinking about on a deeper level, ykwim?

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Teach her to use the Italian finger. When she's asked why she used it she can say that is her nickname for her! Problem solved!!

 

[skschlag]

Teach her to use the Italian finger. When she's asked why she used it she can say that is her nickname for her! Problem solved!!

(welcome back dunno! )

 

[notthatmom]

Teach her to use the Italian finger. When she's asked why she used it she can say that is her nickname for her! Problem solved!!

Not gonna lie, I had to google what that meant haha! Good advice Dunno, as always.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

just talk to the coach?

 

[Alibri]

Oh wow I see that this post came up again. I originally posted it months ago. I did end up speaking to the coach. I just told her that the name made my daughter uncomfortable. It took her a few weeks to remember not to call her the name, I think because she had gotten into the habit of doing it, but then she did stop. It never came up again.

 

[John]

I like when things end as they should.