Parents Fear issues

[wgymmom]

Is there anything you can do as a parent for a gymnast with fear issues? DD seemed to be making slower progress than was originally speculated and we had a meeting with coaches who dropped the bombshell that she's being badly held back by fear issues. She's 11 and looking at potentially doing a few meets at 5 in the fall and finishing out as a 6 in the spring (when she's 12). IF she's lucky and doesn't end up repeating 4. She has made zero progress on her vault in a year and a half. She's been given the opportunity to do a BHS on high beam and balks. She won't do cast handstands on strap bar. I've always tried to do the drop off, have a good practice, love you goodnight like everyone talks about here, but that hasn't worked so well. They "said" she has potential and is still on track to possibly do college gym, but I don't believe so anymore. I wish she would just quit, as this is a TON of time, effort, and money that we don't really have.

 

[sce]

Does she know how much of a burden gym is putting on the family? Could this be contributing to her mental issues, by putting more pressure on her to perform?

My 12yo ds is working on some fear issues. One thing that helped his perspective was when a coach realized he was watching his teammate and getting more scared if the teammate made a mistake. Her point to my ds was that it wasn't stopping the teammate from trying again, it was only scaring him. So watching was worse than doing. One thing his coach suggested were a few private lessons, so they can focus on the mental stuff, but for you this would be more time and money.

Also, I believe all the skills you listed her struggling with are not required for level 5 or 6,.

 

[gracyomalley]

[]
Fear issues, especially at that age, are common. DD hit a major roadblock last year at the same age - ended up crying on the gym floor for a couple of hours because she was so stressed ABOUT being scared of her L8 stuff.

As a parent its really hard because although we "get' that these things would of course be very scary, we also have this kid who desperately wants to "get over it"....

What have the coaches been doing to help with the fears? There is a lot of sports psychology involved in being a good gym coach. There are those who like that part and are good at it, and those who would rather run shrieking from fearful adolescent girls...

We did some Doc Aly, we did a few sessions with a child therapist with an emphasis on sports therapy (who just happened to have done a short stint as an elite gymnast). DD decided with her coach to repeat L7, with option of training 8 - basically spent the year avoiding the things she was scared of but gained a huge amount of confidence by really raking in the medals (something she had never done before - this wasn't sand-bagging). I did my best to make sure that she still wanted to go to gym (although I will tell you there were lots of tearful days in there as she sorted things out).

Where are we now? Well, some things are much better - she's happy most of the time at gym, she's easily gotten her L8 floor skills, and bars as well. She already did a beam routine that would meet L8 requirements last year - BUT she's capable of BHS-BHS and BT on beam....if she'll every do them without all the tears! (had coach stand near beam all season in meets even with downgrading to BWO-BHS...but she hit every single one!)...She also grew a bunch (for her) and went through some "growing up" physically, so I hope that part of the fear was/is hormonal...

I do think about the money and time investment as well- i've got 3 gymnasts L6 and up...
I ended up with feeling like I don't want her to quit BECAUSE of fears - as that will follow her for the rest of her life. We talked about when quitting would be ok - and made a plan together - I think she feels she has an out now, but doesn't want to be done. We will see what happens...right now her big brother is catching up with her skills-wise and he's pretty fearless, so that has been a motivator...

Setting the goal as college gym was previously a motivator for DD too - but it may be putting too much pressure on your DD right now. Maybe setting a goal of getting her L5 skills this year, or of working L7 stuff within a year or 2? She's not ancient by any means, but she's not young for her level and fears are much worse if pressure to overcome them is high...I guess we need to remember that most of us don't pay the money/time for them to go to the Olympics, but for each year of gym to be a learning/growing experience for them....if she's having fun, staying fit, loves her team and coaches and over months you see progress in overcoming fears, then its successful!

 

[Aussie_coach]

Once kids reach this age they start to think in a different way. Younger kids deal in the hear and now but as they reach their pre teen years they develop the ability to consider possible consequences and think ahead to the future. They may imagine things happening that have never happened because they can do that now. Just like we as adults put strategies in place to prevent possible injuries because we can think ahead and consider things that have not happened.

When a child first develops this skill, just like any other skill it can be hard to control and they can go too far with thinking of all the dreaded possibilities. It takes time to learn to control it, and consider the possibilities but realise how unlikely they are.

I teach the kids the high 5 for fear when they have a mental block on the skills.

Step 1 - check your thinking. Most of the time the child is thinking about the fall and not the skill. They think I hope I don't fall off rather than I am going to stick this skill. Teach your DD to use positive affirmations.

Step 2 - visualisation. Picture themselves doing the skill perfectly. If this doesn't work it can help to actually watch someone do the skill perfectly.

Step 3- take it back a step. If the BHS on the high beam is scary go do 10 on low, or even 10 on a line on the floor. Take it back to whatever point they feel comfortable. If they can think of a drill that helped them in the past take it back and do that.

Step 4 - ask for help. This could be asking for spot or ideas to break down the skill or advise on how to get it.

Step 5 - walk away and try again another day. If it just isn't working its better to just move onto another skill and try again the next day than to just go until you get totally frustrated,

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Does she know how much of a burden gym is putting on the family? Could this be contributing to her mental issues, by putting more pressure on her to perform?

My 12yo ds is working on some fear issues. One thing that helped his perspective was when a coach realized he was watching his teammate and getting more scared if the teammate made a mistake. Her point to my ds was that it wasn't stopping the teammate from trying again, it was only scaring him. So watching was worse than doing. One thing his coach suggested were a few private lessons, so they can focus on the mental stuff, but for you this would be more time and money.

Also, I believe all the skills you listed her struggling with are not required for level 5 or 6,.

actually, they are required training for most kids at this level.

 

[sportsmommy]

My dd has had a lot of fear issues. It has kept her from progressing. She competed 2 years at old level 5 but wasnt ready to move to level 6 because of the bwo on beam. She was still struggling with the cw. The more we ( myself and the coaches) tried to help or encourage her the worse it got. We ended up paying absolutely no attention to her beam fears. If she wanted to work on the cw she did, if not she worked on jumps and dismounts. That helped some. For her, moving to xcel was what finally did the trick. It removed the pressure of having to get a skill. Her fear wAs really on beam. She would work on double saltos on the floor but bulk on the cw on beam. At our gym, xcel and optionals are treated the same so it might not be the best move for everyone with fear issues.

 

[LizzieLac]

My DD has also had her share of fears. She is very intuned with where skills could go wrong and of course that makes her realize it could be her getting hurt.

I have mixed emotions about how to deal with it. At times, I want the soft, loving coach who hugs the child and says "it will be alright, don't worry, we'll wait until you are ready, stay on the floor beam until you decide..."

I honestly think that is too "soft" if you know what I mean. I actually just had a talk with our coaches the other day about this. I concluded that my DD (and this is what I suggested they do with her) needs to be pushed a little to do a skill she is afraid of or she will opt for the low beam, not trying the skill, etc. BUT, and this is a big but, the coaches need to be confident that she is ready to try the skill. DD was doing fulls into a pit at a private while on vacation, but when we came home she didn't want to try them because our pit does built for the bars and vault area. She was worried because she couldn't land them yet.

When talking to our coaches I said they need to make it clear to her that they know she is ready and that she is capable of this and they have belief in her. Everyone at our gym learns their full onto mats at first and if they can't land it they are all taught how to "fall correctly." Guess what, two practices later, there she was working her full and doing a pretty darned good job, too! Not quite landing it yet, but even she said that will come.

So, I am a big believer in the coaches pushing (but gently) and also working to instill confidence in the athlete. That has been what works for my DD. Fears do not have to equal quitting. Good luck!!

 

[beamer]

What really helped me get past my frustrations with what DD, 12, was or was not doing in the gym was for me to let go of any expectation that the gymnastics has to lead somewhere.

We are all familiar with the progression in the parental mind when the little DD is first pulled from the gym's regular rec stream and is directed toward team. The first euphoric thoughts are of "Olympics!" Then, a year or two go by and the fantasy becomes "full scholarship to a D1 College!" A couple more years pass, puberty hits and then it's, okay, "walk-on D1, maybe scholarship to D2/D3." Finally high school comes around and the vast majority of us whose kids remain in the sport -- still loving it and committed to it -- must accept that club gymnastics in college is a really great option.

This is a process. Really. One I am still going through. There are days it is still hard for me to accept that DD's gymnastics, if she is still doing it through high school, may lead nowhere and may have precluded her from doing other things that can enhance a college resume.

On the other hand, last year I read a great article in one of my mags (Time maybe??) about how colleges in their admissions processes are turning away from the AP/zillion activities-laden transcripts in favor of the kid who devotes herself single-mindedly to one pursuit. Can anyone say gymnastics??!!

 

[profmom]

There's no magic bullet, and, while coaches and parents can try to provide kids with tools to manage fear, ultimately it is the child her/himself who has to do it. The boys are just starting to do scary skills, and their coach tells them, "don't let your fear interfere with what you want to do," but ultimately, unless they really, really want it, they won't be able to work through the fears. My answer is provide the tools, listen when the gymnast initiates the conversation with you, don't let her/him have a pass by saying the coaches are mean by pressing her/him to confront the scary skill, and then stay out of it. They have to figure it out. Or not.

I write this as a parent whose daughter was making great progress on beam -- as she was wrapping up her L6 season in spring 2012, she got her handstand-BHS on the high beam. Did 100 of them, duly logged on the white board. And then she lost it.

For nearly two solid years.

She cried at night after practice. She had trouble sleeping. We did some Doc Ali. Her coaches were encouraging. Her coaches were tough. At the beginning, I initiated conversations with her and tried to give her strategies. She did the skill at home on her low beam. She did endless open gyms. I offered to get her privates. I stopped talking about beam at all unless she initiated the conversation. She still initiated conversations about how miserable she was. She dialed back and did every drill imaginable and did probably thousands of repetitions of the skill on various low beams, pads, beams with resis, etc., etc. She was thoroughly and completely unhappy but did not want to quit.

She repeated L7 and competed a walkover walkover all year while watching her teammates upgrading. Judges are picky about that connection. Mostly she got credit. Sometimes she didn't. Not getting credit made her angry, but she knew the only solution was an upgrade that she couldn't do. She did pretty well in meets by the end of the year and made great progress on all the other events. And maybe that's what convinced her that she wanted -- really wanted -- to be a L8 next year. She wanted it a lot. She wanted it badly, in a way that she hasn't wanted anything in gymnastics for a long time.

The HS-BHS is now back, this time, I think, for good.

 

[beamer]

wgymmom: as a practical aside to all that lame philosophy, above...

If your coaches are amenable, I would recommend that your daughter work with them to get her to L6 as soon as possible. She will be able to get by (although will probably not be hugely successful, if that really matters to her) with the skills she has, fears and all. Then she can take her time getting past fears while working optional routines that she can own and that play to her strengths, rather than her current weaknesses.

 

[beamer]

And I meant the philosophy in my first post...not profmom's that came in while I was posting! Acckk.

 

[Kcanflip]

So funny...I'm fighting this battle also but with a just turned 11 to tear old level 4. It kills me to see the 7&8 year olds doung cartwheels on high beam with no fears and no concern of falling, while mine opts to do low beam with mats! And over thinks it big time. It's had me wondering if this is worth it all. And to add the cherry on top...mine struggles with form too. So I totally GET this topic even though mines a lower level.

 

[LizzieLac]

There's no magic bullet, and, while coaches and parents can try to provide kids with tools to manage fear, ultimately it is the child her/himself who has to do it. The boys are just starting to do scary skills, and their coach tells them, "don't let your fear interfere with what you want to do," but ultimately, unless they really, really want it, they won't be able to work through the fears. My answer is provide the tools, listen when the gymnast initiates the conversation with you, don't let her/him have a pass by saying the coaches are mean by pressing her/him to confront the scary skill, and then stay out of it. They have to figure it out. Or not.

I write this as a parent whose daughter was making great progress on beam -- as she was wrapping up her L6 season in spring 2012, she got her handstand-BHS on the high beam. Did 100 of them, duly logged on the white board. And then she lost it.

For nearly two solid years.

She cried at night after practice. She had trouble sleeping. We did some Doc Ali. Her coaches were encouraging. Her coaches were tough. At the beginning, I initiated conversations with her and tried to give her strategies. She did the skill at home on her low beam. She did endless open gyms. I offered to get her privates. I stopped talking about beam at all unless she initiated the conversation. She still initiated conversations about how miserable she was. She dialed back and did every drill imaginable and did probably thousands of repetitions of the skill on various low beams, pads, beams with resis, etc., etc. She was thoroughly and completely unhappy but did not want to quit.

She repeated L7 and competed a walkover walkover all year while watching her teammates upgrading. Judges are picky about that connection. Mostly she got credit. Sometimes she didn't. Not getting credit made her angry, but she knew the only solution was an upgrade that she couldn't do. She did pretty well in meets by the end of the year and made great progress on all the other events. And maybe that's what convinced her that she wanted -- really wanted -- to be a L8 next year. She wanted it a lot. She wanted it badly, in a way that she hasn't wanted anything in gymnastics for a long time.

The HS-BHS is now back, this time, I think, for good.

Profmom, this is a GREAT post and so encouraging. My DD has been working on the darned BHS on beam f0r 9 months. She can only land it occasionally - partly due to technique issues and fear. I have worried that this would be the gatekeeper skill for her (she got her giant on the pit bar, floor is moving along, working on tsuk drills) - this BSH just won't come.

This is a little off-topic but with no BHS for level 7 beam, what was her flight skill?

 

[profmom]

Oh, DD had a perfectly good BHS. Never missed one in competition for her entire two years at L7. She just couldn't connect it to the handstand, which the coaches require before they can upgrade to a BWO-BHS and then a BHS-BHS. And what made the coaches really frustrated was that for years, she'd also had the best beam handstand in her level and possibly on the team.

 

[Quadqueen]

^^That is interesting about your coach's requirement for HS-BHS. I'm pretty sure my DD never once worked on those - just moved right to BWO-BHS.

 

[profmom]

It is what it is. My best guess based on what I've heard is that it's a "back up skill" in case they lose their acro at some point, which happens sometimes. I'm not a coach and they have a very successful program, so I trust that they had good reasons for making her push through this. She says one other girl was allowed to skip the skill, but that was when she was very emotionally entangled with it, so I don't know for sure what happened.

It sucked a lot, but if I am right about this being the end of all that drama, it will have been a very good life lesson.

 

[1canadiangymmom]

I am fairly new to CB, as I have been looking for advise as a gym parent, and I have to say, thank you parents and coaches for all your information. My DD has been struggling with bars this year, and it is really holding her back. You all have such wonderful advise and personal experiences to share. Thank you again.

 

[shelovestoflip]

Is there anything you can do as a parent for a gymnast with fear issues? DD seemed to be making slower progress than was originally speculated and we had a meeting with coaches who dropped the bombshell that she's being badly held back by fear issues. She's 11 and looking at potentially doing a few meets at 5 in the fall and finishing out as a 6 in the spring (when she's 12). IF she's lucky and doesn't end up repeating 4. She has made zero progress on her vault in a year and a half. She's been given the opportunity to do a BHS on high beam and balks. She won't do cast handstands on strap bar. I've always tried to do the drop off, have a good practice, love you goodnight like everyone talks about here, but that hasn't worked so well. They "said" she has potential and is still on track to possibly do college gym, but I don't believe so anymore. I wish she would just quit, as this is a TON of time, effort, and money that we don't really have.

Well, as a parent, I would mind my own business on any fear issues, unless she mentions something. Mine never says anything and I'm the type who wants gym to stay in the gym.

You say the 'drop and love you thing' hasn't worked well for you but not sure what you mean. Does she talk to you about fear? I think the more she senses what you are feeling (as you mention you wish she'd quit because it's money you don't have) the more she will be stressed.

You are right.....it's a TON of money and time and committment on our part. But they own the gym piece. We can't get in their heads. Though the coaches can try.

I guess all I'd say is how are the coaches. Are they nice or frustrated and do they give her time or tell her they're frustrated? I've definitely read lots of styles here on this list!

At my daughter's gym, they tend to work with the girls and wait for the fear to pass. I think it's also an age thing.....which is why I know when a gym sees a kid with a lot of potential, they try to get them to higher levels to learn skills that are 'scary'.

My daughter has had little fear issues here and there...somehow she's gotten past them and made it to Level 9. She's 15 and does get that it's all crazy and she could get hurt! But she gets beyond it, I guess.

Good luck!

 

[cbifoja]

On the other hand, last year I read a great article in one of my mags (Time maybe??) about how colleges in their admissions processes are turning away from the AP/zillion activities-laden transcripts in favor of the kid who devotes herself single-mindedly to one pursuit. Can anyone say gymnastics??!!

A trend I love!

Every year my AP science class is full of kids who are taking 3-5 AP classes. Last year, I had a child who would break down in tears about three times a month because she had a schedule full of AP classes, played school soccer, travel soccer, was student council blah blah, FFA officer, in pageant, and it just went on and on.

This year about a third of my kids opted out of taking the AP exams because according to them, colleges don't even look at weighted GPA. So they use the class as an orientation to college level classes rather than to replace credits.

I personally think the over committed kid actually is less prepared for college than the focused kid. I'll certainly be guiding my little one into top classes (honors) but not demanding AP. Especially if she continues training this sport at her current level or higher.

 

[wgymmom]

I get the impression that the coaches are more nice and encouraging. I asked for her to be pushed a little more, but they basically said they can't push her anymore.