Parents Gymnast left out

[Gym_momma]

How do you handle scenarios where your gymnast is left out of gatherings outside the gym? Do you do nothing, focus on non-gym friends, etc. Do you try to coordinate a future gathering so it is more inclusive? Do you talk to the parents?

 

[NutterButter]

Depends on the situation ( frequency of being left out, it is really the entire team excluding one, age differences in the group, etc). Focusing on non-gym friends during times of exclusion is helpful but I understand wanting to encourage/fix things with gym friends too. I’ve been in both situations with my kids (being excluded and doing the excluding; not unique to my gymnast) and it absolutely sucks. One thing that may help or at least be a starting point is talking to the coach to make sure you fully understand the dynamic and ideally the coach can help facilitate bonding with teammates.

 

[Gym_momma]

Thanks, I appreciate these insights. We don't have a formal meeting with our coach until the end of the summer and I'm not sure at warrants a separate meeting at this point. It certainly is something I'd like to keep an eye on so that things don't get any more uncomfortable for my daughter.

 

[Coach Kate]

Age ranges can make it tricky but I would definitely encourage hosting or initiating gatherings if your daughter is interested! And it might be worth just a quick email to a coach if everyone is being invited to things regularly except for just one or two athletes.

 

[NutterButter]

Actually, since we are heading into summer now might be an appropriate time to check in with the coach via quick email especially if you are still trying to understand why your DD is being excluded. From personal experience, the worst is when your kid notices who is going home together after practice for a playdate (during summer this may happen a lot).

 

[Gym_momma]

Thanks for the additional insights. I do worry about the play dates happening and my daughter noticing that she's not being included. In your experience, have the coaches been able to help resolve the situation?

 

[NutterButter]

In your experience, have the coaches been able to help resolve the situation?

Yes and no. I mean it's not their job to make sure your daughter is being included outside of the gym but at the same time they were sympathetic to how my DD was fitting in and they gave me insight into the situation (if/when I didn't necessarily understand everything) and they would also help when they could like with group activities and pair up buddies for conditioning, etc.

You don't have to share here if you aren't comfortable, but do you know what the problem is? Age difference? Bullying? Personality mis-match? The worst for my DD was the tween years. She was a couple years older than most of her teammates and she also has a unique personality. This combo created a couple of rough years for her but it worked itself out. She is in her early 20's now and is still BFF's with her gymnastics teammates!

(ETA - I don't want to imply that the problem was all on my DD, or that the problem is all your DD, just that people and relationships are complicated. Also, friendships are going to develop outside of the gym, which is OK. And bullying is not OK and the one time this was happening at my DDs gym I was looking into other gyms for her when the bully abruptly quit. Hopefully you aren't dealing with a bully.)

 

[Gym_momma]

Yes and no. I mean it's not their job to make sure your daughter is being included outside of the gym but at the same time they were sympathetic to how my DD was fitting in and they gave me insight into the situation (if/when I didn't necessarily understand everything) and they would also help when they could like with group activities and pair up buddies for conditioning, etc.

You don't have to share here if you aren't comfortable, but do you know what the problem is? Age difference? Bullying? Personality mis-match? The worst for my DD was the tween years. She was a couple years older than most of her teammates and she also has a unique personality. This combo created a couple of rough years for her but it worked itself out. She is in her early 20's now and is still BFF's with her gymnastics teammates!

(ETA - I don't want to imply that the problem was all on my DD, or that the problem is all your DD, just that people and relationships are complicated. Also, friendships are going to develop outside of the gym, which is OK. And bullying is not OK and the one time this was happening at my DDs gym I was looking into other gyms for her when the bully abruptly quit. Hopefully you aren't dealing with a bully.)

I'm not entirely sure what is causing her to be excluded but I have a few guesses. She is 1-2 years younger than most of the teammates, so it could be that age/maturity is playing into it. There is 1 girls her age but their personalities are quite different.

 

[Flicfliclay]

Is she the only one being excluded? I feel like this can get tricky being involved in team sports. As a parent it is always a good idea to try and look at these types of situations with and open mind. It is impossible to invite everyone to everything all the time, especially when at times teams can have 5-10 or even more girls in their training groups. I would work on trying to do your own play dates and invite everyone.. maybe to the park, to ice cream, etc... We had a situation in my daughters old gym that one parent thought her daughter should be invited to everything, yet NEVER did anything on her end to reciprocate. By doing this i think it made things even worse. Hang in there momma, this doesn't get easier, but I commend you on trying to make things better!

 

[NutterButter]

Ha! I for sure have made things worse by getting involved. Not with my gymnast but with my other kid who was on the other end of things. I seriously think I've made every mistake. OP - the age difference could be it especially if the other group maybe strays a little more mature and your DD strays a little less mature. I don't know the ages involved here but there's a big range in the 9-11 group with some being full on into teen interests while others are still interested in toys. It also could be nothing other than a group of 3 or 4 that just like to hang out outside of the gym (with no intent of excluding others). I like the idea of organizing a group activity like the park or ice cream. Also, since you aren't totally sure, a quick check in with the coach to see if she is fitting in socially/emotionally at the gym may be helpful.

 

[Gym_momma]

Ha! I for sure have made things worse by getting involved. Not with my gymnast but with my other kid who was on the other end of things. I seriously think I've made every mistake. OP - the age difference could be it especially if the other group maybe strays a little more mature and your DD strays a little less mature. I don't know the ages involved here but there's a big range in the 9-11 group with some being full on into teen interests while others are still interested in toys. It also could be nothing other than a group of 3 or 4 that just like to hang out outside of the gym (with no intent of excluding others). I like the idea of organizing a group activity like the park or ice cream. Also, since you aren't totally sure, a quick check in with the coach to see if she is fitting in socially/emotionally at the gym may be helpful.

Thanks again! As I think things through, I am leaning towards the idea of suggesting ice cream afterwards so I can observe the interactions myself. I really don't want to make things worst by intervening unnecessarily so this will allow me more time to think about things.

 

[raenndrops]

When OG started on team, there was a small group in her level. 3 of those girls lived in the same subdivision ... 2 were on the same block and the other girl was around the corner. They carpooled to gym. They had younger and/or older siblings in gym too. After meets, their families went out to eat together. They would invite a couple other families that they had relationships with, but my girls were never invited ... even when it was a home meet.
OG was the youngest, but only by a year (and the next year, she wasn't the youngest anymore). She spent 3 years in the same levels with these girls.
They were friends at gym, but never did anything outside of gym unless the gym set it up (marching in the Independence Day parade, going to the "haunted house" the day before Halloween, Team banquet, pre-Nationals party at one of the coaches' houses, Nationals Opening Ceremonies).
At first, it hurt her a little to be left out, but she made friends with the oldest girl, who was also often excluded, and they even went to a one-day "kip camp" together, and we did some fun stuff after that too. It also helped that she had several friends outside of gym that she could hang out with.

 

[NutterButter]

Thanks again! As I think things through, I am leaning towards the idea of suggesting ice cream afterwards so I can observe the interactions myself. I really don't want to make things worst by intervening unnecessarily so this will allow me more time to think about things.

Great idea!

 

[GymDadWA]

The social dynamics are tricky, really hard to find restaurants that can seat 20+, a lot easier to find a place that can do 6-8, as a group we try to put it together once or twice a season, but it's fatiguing to coordinate for such large groups and no matter what someone feels left out or slighted.

Sleep overs and playdates with 2-3 girls is doable 10+ is a train wreck.


Don't really have an answer, including everyone is not doable, forming smaller social groups makes cliques happen, my daughter has been caught up on both sides of the scenarios and it never feels good.