Parents Gymnast left out

[Gym_momma]

How do you handle scenarios where your gymnast is left out of gatherings outside the gym? Do you do nothing, focus on non-gym friends, etc. Do you try to coordinate a future gathering so it is more inclusive? Do you talk to the parents?

 

[NutterButter]

Depends on the situation ( frequency of being left out, it is really the entire team excluding one, age differences in the group, etc). Focusing on non-gym friends during times of exclusion is helpful but I understand wanting to encourage/fix things with gym friends too. I’ve been in both situations with my kids (being excluded and doing the excluding; not unique to my gymnast) and it absolutely sucks. One thing that may help or at least be a starting point is talking to the coach to make sure you fully understand the dynamic and ideally the coach can help facilitate bonding with teammates.

 

[Gym_momma]

Thanks, I appreciate these insights. We don't have a formal meeting with our coach until the end of the summer and I'm not sure at warrants a separate meeting at this point. It certainly is something I'd like to keep an eye on so that things don't get any more uncomfortable for my daughter.

 

[Coach Kate]

Age ranges can make it tricky but I would definitely encourage hosting or initiating gatherings if your daughter is interested! And it might be worth just a quick email to a coach if everyone is being invited to things regularly except for just one or two athletes.

 

[NutterButter]

Actually, since we are heading into summer now might be an appropriate time to check in with the coach via quick email especially if you are still trying to understand why your DD is being excluded. From personal experience, the worst is when your kid notices who is going home together after practice for a playdate (during summer this may happen a lot).

 

[Gym_momma]

Thanks for the additional insights. I do worry about the play dates happening and my daughter noticing that she's not being included. In your experience, have the coaches been able to help resolve the situation?

 

[NutterButter]

In your experience, have the coaches been able to help resolve the situation?

Yes and no. I mean it's not their job to make sure your daughter is being included outside of the gym but at the same time they were sympathetic to how my DD was fitting in and they gave me insight into the situation (if/when I didn't necessarily understand everything) and they would also help when they could like with group activities and pair up buddies for conditioning, etc.

You don't have to share here if you aren't comfortable, but do you know what the problem is? Age difference? Bullying? Personality mis-match? The worst for my DD was the tween years. She was a couple years older than most of her teammates and she also has a unique personality. This combo created a couple of rough years for her but it worked itself out. She is in her early 20's now and is still BFF's with her gymnastics teammates!

(ETA - I don't want to imply that the problem was all on my DD, or that the problem is all your DD, just that people and relationships are complicated. Also, friendships are going to develop outside of the gym, which is OK. And bullying is not OK and the one time this was happening at my DDs gym I was looking into other gyms for her when the bully abruptly quit. Hopefully you aren't dealing with a bully.)

 

[Gym_momma]

Yes and no. I mean it's not their job to make sure your daughter is being included outside of the gym but at the same time they were sympathetic to how my DD was fitting in and they gave me insight into the situation (if/when I didn't necessarily understand everything) and they would also help when they could like with group activities and pair up buddies for conditioning, etc.

You don't have to share here if you aren't comfortable, but do you know what the problem is? Age difference? Bullying? Personality mis-match? The worst for my DD was the tween years. She was a couple years older than most of her teammates and she also has a unique personality. This combo created a couple of rough years for her but it worked itself out. She is in her early 20's now and is still BFF's with her gymnastics teammates!

(ETA - I don't want to imply that the problem was all on my DD, or that the problem is all your DD, just that people and relationships are complicated. Also, friendships are going to develop outside of the gym, which is OK. And bullying is not OK and the one time this was happening at my DDs gym I was looking into other gyms for her when the bully abruptly quit. Hopefully you aren't dealing with a bully.)

I'm not entirely sure what is causing her to be excluded but I have a few guesses. She is 1-2 years younger than most of the teammates, so it could be that age/maturity is playing into it. There is 1 girls her age but their personalities are quite different.

 

[Flicfliclay]

Is she the only one being excluded? I feel like this can get tricky being involved in team sports. As a parent it is always a good idea to try and look at these types of situations with and open mind. It is impossible to invite everyone to everything all the time, especially when at times teams can have 5-10 or even more girls in their training groups. I would work on trying to do your own play dates and invite everyone.. maybe to the park, to ice cream, etc... We had a situation in my daughters old gym that one parent thought her daughter should be invited to everything, yet NEVER did anything on her end to reciprocate. By doing this i think it made things even worse. Hang in there momma, this doesn't get easier, but I commend you on trying to make things better!

 

[NutterButter]

Ha! I for sure have made things worse by getting involved. Not with my gymnast but with my other kid who was on the other end of things. I seriously think I've made every mistake. OP - the age difference could be it especially if the other group maybe strays a little more mature and your DD strays a little less mature. I don't know the ages involved here but there's a big range in the 9-11 group with some being full on into teen interests while others are still interested in toys. It also could be nothing other than a group of 3 or 4 that just like to hang out outside of the gym (with no intent of excluding others). I like the idea of organizing a group activity like the park or ice cream. Also, since you aren't totally sure, a quick check in with the coach to see if she is fitting in socially/emotionally at the gym may be helpful.

 

[Gym_momma]

Ha! I for sure have made things worse by getting involved. Not with my gymnast but with my other kid who was on the other end of things. I seriously think I've made every mistake. OP - the age difference could be it especially if the other group maybe strays a little more mature and your DD strays a little less mature. I don't know the ages involved here but there's a big range in the 9-11 group with some being full on into teen interests while others are still interested in toys. It also could be nothing other than a group of 3 or 4 that just like to hang out outside of the gym (with no intent of excluding others). I like the idea of organizing a group activity like the park or ice cream. Also, since you aren't totally sure, a quick check in with the coach to see if she is fitting in socially/emotionally at the gym may be helpful.

Thanks again! As I think things through, I am leaning towards the idea of suggesting ice cream afterwards so I can observe the interactions myself. I really don't want to make things worst by intervening unnecessarily so this will allow me more time to think about things.

 

[raenndrops]

When OG started on team, there was a small group in her level. 3 of those girls lived in the same subdivision ... 2 were on the same block and the other girl was around the corner. They carpooled to gym. They had younger and/or older siblings in gym too. After meets, their families went out to eat together. They would invite a couple other families that they had relationships with, but my girls were never invited ... even when it was a home meet.
OG was the youngest, but only by a year (and the next year, she wasn't the youngest anymore). She spent 3 years in the same levels with these girls.
They were friends at gym, but never did anything outside of gym unless the gym set it up (marching in the Independence Day parade, going to the "haunted house" the day before Halloween, Team banquet, pre-Nationals party at one of the coaches' houses, Nationals Opening Ceremonies).
At first, it hurt her a little to be left out, but she made friends with the oldest girl, who was also often excluded, and they even went to a one-day "kip camp" together, and we did some fun stuff after that too. It also helped that she had several friends outside of gym that she could hang out with.

 

[NutterButter]

Thanks again! As I think things through, I am leaning towards the idea of suggesting ice cream afterwards so I can observe the interactions myself. I really don't want to make things worst by intervening unnecessarily so this will allow me more time to think about things.

Great idea!

 

[GymDadWA]

The social dynamics are tricky, really hard to find restaurants that can seat 20+, a lot easier to find a place that can do 6-8, as a group we try to put it together once or twice a season, but it's fatiguing to coordinate for such large groups and no matter what someone feels left out or slighted.

Sleep overs and playdates with 2-3 girls is doable 10+ is a train wreck.


Don't really have an answer, including everyone is not doable, forming smaller social groups makes cliques happen, my daughter has been caught up on both sides of the scenarios and it never feels good.

 

[Dahlialover]

If we are talking about elementary school children, I would try to arrange a get-together with one or two of the kids. Having just one friend in the social group can be a pathway to inclusion. It’s also easier for some kids to make friends in a small group setting.

 

[Katie]

I'm not entirely sure what is causing her to be excluded but I have a few guesses. She is 1-2 years younger than most of the teammates, so it could be that age/maturity is playing into it. There is 1 girls her age but their personalities are quite different.

This might be because I’m homeschooled and used to mixed age groups, but in my experience 1-2 years makes absolutely zero difference in making friends. I’m 17 and my best friends in the world are like 9-13. Of course, I’m very immature and silly, but I’ve known plenty of other kids whose friends were a couple years younger/older than them

 

[Chocolate_Chip]

My daughter experienced a similar situation - for a while she was contemplating quitting or changing gyms, because everyone in her training group was always 2-4 years older than her. They were all really patient and sweet with my daughter - she could be a handful at times when she was younger, but she didn't understand why she wasn't always included with the big girls. They were starting to get crushes, get their periods, and in their tween years. My daughter was still into unicorns and slime, lol.

I had to sit her down and explain to her, that they were in middle school, and she was still in elementary - they loved her and some of them even babysat her and my youngest, but because of the age difference, sometimes big girls needed their time with girls in their age bracket.

Even though they had sleepovers, and shopping dates without my daughter, one thing that helped my daughter feel more included was when we started doing post-meet hangouts. We would all go out for starbucks or ice cream after a meet, that way she felt included in hanging with the big girls outside of the gym.

Now she is still the youngest on her team, but because she's in middle school, and the age gap is only 1-2 years, she has a strong bond with her teammates. They have sleepovers, and shopping dates, and a text message thread.

If your daughter is one of the younger ones, things will likely even out a bit as they get older, and in the meantime, it might help to have some sort of ritual or group date outside of the gym that includes everyone as a team bonding type of gathering. Taking the lead on that as a parent is something we did when the girls were younger, but now that my daughter is in middle school they all handle that themselves. I still check in with her to make sure that no one is feeling left out!

 

[Tinalynn]

How do you handle scenarios where your gymnast is left out of gatherings outside the gym? Do you do nothing, focus on non-gym friends, etc. Do you try to coordinate a future gathering so it is more inclusive? Do you talk to the parents?

Hello I’m new to this group and website, i have a 6 year old daughter who is an advanced gymnast. she’s been in gymnastics since she was 2 years old on and off but recently she was in gymnastics at Capital Gymnastics and she Advanced to a higher level with older girls but then my husband was layed off work and i got sick and my son was diagnosed with Autism and has severe health issues so i had to take a lot time off work to care for him so we became in a financial crisis and i could not afford to keep her in it so they told me she could no longer be apart of the program and we were so devastated. my daughter has been so sad ever since, everyday she wakes up crying about gymnastics and how her dream is to one day go to the olympics so im reaching out to see if anyone here can give me some information or insight on how i can get her a sponsorship for her gymnastics so she continue to do what she loves.

 

[NutterButter]

Hi! Welcome to the CB. I’m so sorry your family has gone been through a rough patch. I understand how a new diagnosis can eat up every family resource and I hope better times are on the horizon for you all.

I would look to see if lower cost gymnastics programs exist in your area. Some YMCAs offer them. My state has a ton of low cost community-based gymnastics programs but I think this might be kinda rare but worth looking into in your area too. Scholarships/sponsorships aren’t really a thing so you will need to figure out an alternative solution.

One more thing - since you are new here. We usually discourage people from including too much personal identification info in posts. If your username is your real name, I would suggest that you change it. And I would anlso recommend not sharing the name of your gym. You added your message to an existing thread that has nothing in common with your question. You will likely get more responses if you start a new thread with your concern/question.