WAG Gymnast who doesn't really like gymnastics but refuses to quit

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Amusibus

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Hello Chalkbucket, it's been a while.

Ok, so, my daughter is now 11 and in xcel. I say she doesn't really like gymnastics because she isn't that kid that cartwheels around the house or sees a large grassy field as an irresistible tumbling area. She will occasionally flip around a bit on the trampoline in the backyard and does enjoy a good trampoline park every now and then, but otherwise just isn't into it. She doesn't watch tv gym events, never asks to go to meets of the upper level kids in our gym. When I say "you have practice in a couple hours" or whatever, I often get "aww...", not "yay!".

I have asked her if she wants to quit when she seems disappointed that it's practice time. She always gives me an emphatic "no!". I asked if anyone is bullying her, and the other kids aren't but she says the coaches do yell at her a lot. She does have ADD and also Aspergers, so her attention is definitely an issue at gym and in every other structured environment. Even on medication, she struggles. So the coaches' frustration is understandable.

She also hasn't progressed terribly much. Well, she has, but at a snail's pace compared to the average child, which is to be expected I guess considering her disability. What I wonder is if she learns slowly because of her challenges, or because she just really isn't that into it.

When I ask why she doesn't want to quit, she says because she feels being a gymnast is part of who she is. She says she likes being part of a group, and it makes her feel important and special. She says she wouldn't know what to do with herself if she quit, because she has been doing it as long as she can remember (true - she started pre-team at 4 and team at 6). She likes socializing with the other girls in her group. This is important because as a spectrum kid, socialization isn't that easy for her. All of these seem to be valid reasons. But there is no passion there for the sport itself. It's a weird situation.

Personally I am just so done with this whole thing. I used to enjoy it and be more involved. I still love watching gymnastics when I can catch it, and I like watching my daughter do things and go to meets, but parents you know that team is a major commitment for the entire family in so many ways and I just question whether it is the right thing to keep her in it when that means my other kids don't have money for activities they want to do, or one parent has to miss older daughter's marching band parades because of conflicts with gymnastics meets, etc.

Thoughts?
 
Hello Chalkbucket, it's been a while.

When I ask why she doesn't want to quit, she says because she feels being a gymnast is part of who she is. She says she likes being part of a group, and it makes her feel important and special. She says she wouldn't know what to do with herself if she quit, because she has been doing it as long as she can remember (true - she started pre-team at 4 and team at 6). She likes socializing with the other girls in her group. This is important because as a spectrum kid, socialization isn't that easy for her. All of these seem to be valid reasons. But there is no passion there for the sport itself. It's a weird situation.

Thoughts?

Have you tried getting her into any other extra curricular activities? It's probably going to take a little while, but once she gets to know the kids in another group she may have a lot easier time "letting go" of her friends at the gym (if, indeed she is not enjoying it.) I know the gym can be extremely time consuming and adding something else may be a lot, but I think it's worth it to see if her interests lie elsewhere. Does she seem to gravitate toward anything else (music, running, drawing, etc. to give you a clue where to start?)

It sounds to me like she just doesn't see what else is out there and she is scared to let go of the one thing she knows. It's comfortable and people (especially kids on the spectrum) do not always like going outside their comfort zone. I think you could carefully guide her to other activities. She may find happiness elsewhere or she may be reminded why she liked gym in the first place.

Good luck!
 
I signed her up for 4H, in a group that meets every two weeks to compare pet bunnies and guinea pigs and learn how to do animal shows with them. Her passion is anything animal. She is also very talented in art and enjoys it. I think the 4H club just isn't enough hours to really get into it as a social group. I'm not sure how else to get her involved in animal-related activities. She's too young to volunteer at a shelter (I've checked). We have guinea pigs and a hamster despite the fact that all five family members have asthma and animal allergies. I'm not sure where else to go with the animal obsession.
 
I signed her up for 4H, in a group that meets every two weeks to compare pet bunnies and guinea pigs and learn how to do animal shows with them. Her passion is anything animal. She is also very talented in art and enjoys it. I think the 4H club just isn't enough hours to really get into it as a social group. I'm not sure how else to get her involved in animal-related activities. She's too young to volunteer at a shelter (I've checked). We have guinea pigs and a hamster despite the fact that all five family members have asthma and animal allergies. I'm not sure where else to go with the animal obsession.
What about horseback riding lessons?
 
What about horseback riding lessons?

I am almost anaphylactically allergic to horses. When I was working as a chiropractor I had this one patient who always used to come in to see me right after horse riding, in that outfit with horse hair on it. Just that made me get itchy watery eyes, asthma, skin welts, sneezing, and a racing heartbeat. Thankfully she got better after 5 visits! Once I went riding myself on a school trip at age 12. My eyes swelled shut after 10 minutes and mom had to come get me early. So horseback riding is out, I'm afraid.

Also, the danger of it scares me. The whole Christopher Reeves thing you know...and friends who's kids do it tell me it's very expensive also.
 
Positive social interactions are important for all kids, but especially for those who struggle to fit in for any number of reasons. If she gets along well with the kids at the gym and feels included there, I think gymnastics is absolutely serving a purpose for her. She might not be rapidly progressing or winning tons of awards, but it's still meeting a need. So I say let her continue. Give her the option to quit and allow her to explore other opportunities to see if she can find a better fit, but in the mean time, let her go. I know gymnastics is expensive, and probably seems like a lot of money for just a social outlet, but I wouldn't underestimate the value of it.
I do agree with trying out some other activities in addition to gymnastics to maybe help her see where her passion is. She might decide she really does love gymnastics and wants to spend her time there or she might find that she can make friends and be part of a group elsewhere. Something like Scouts would give her exposure to a wide range of activities, but I think that's similar to 4H in frequency. As she gets going in 4H more opportunities might present themselves for special projects or volunteer activities so she can become involved in something with greater frequency. I have known of kids who were super involved in 4H over the years. What about some type of dog training? The allergies in the home might be an issue, but I think there are youth categories in dog shows and agility competitions- there might even be a 4H group devoted to that.
 
What you describe of your daughter sounds like half the teenage gymnasts at our gym - lost their passion and love for the sport years ago, but fear they won't know what to do w/ themselves if they aren't "a gymnast" anymore and love being part of a team and the social aspects it brings (traveling to meets, sleepovers, parties). Parents are in deep as well and are emotionally attached to the booster club experience and their circle of friends at the gym - so many encourage the kids to stick it out at all costs.

If your daughter is not dealing w/ ongoing painful injuries, surgeries and constant PT, as well as crying routinely in practice due to fear and/or frustration, she is very fortunate (cause many I know deal w/ this stuff on top of the indifferent feelings towards continuing).

If she really isn't in to gym and you are fine w/ her quitting (sounds like you are), my prediction is that once she gets to middle school, or at the latest high school, school-based activities/sports will draw her away. Most girls find that stuff to be really fun and those w/ gymnastics training are usually exceptionally good at whatever sport(s) they decide to try, so that makes it even more fun.

Good luck - I'm sure it will all play out fine (11 is really young)...oh, and you're also lucky she's in XCel and not doing 25+ hours a week as a level 9/10 feeling this way - they aren't immune to the not liking gym but not wanting to quit phenomenon either.
 
I am almost anaphylactically allergic to horses. When I was working as a chiropractor I had this one patient who always used to come in to see me right after horse riding, in that outfit with horse hair on it. Just that made me get itchy watery eyes, asthma, skin welts, sneezing, and a racing heartbeat. Thankfully she got better after 5 visits! Once I went riding myself on a school trip at age 12. My eyes swelled shut after 10 minutes and mom had to come get me early. So horseback riding is out, I'm afraid.

Also, the danger of it scares me. The whole Christopher Reeves thing you know...and friends who's kids do it tell me it's very expensive also.
Oh yikes, ok nix the horse idea then, we want you to be able to breathe :)
 
Hi, my kids love gymnastics and never complain about going to practice. However, they are similar to your daughter in this:
because she isn't that kid that cartwheels around the house or sees a large grassy field as an irresistible tumbling area. She will occasionally flip around a bit on the trampoline in the backyard and does enjoy a good trampoline park every now and then, but otherwise just isn't into it. never asks to go to meets of the upper level kids in our gym.

Fields are actually really dangerous to tumble on anyway (as can be backyard tramps.) And gym meets get really boring - would you want to go watch more meets? Ugh. I get enough gym going to my kid's meets, thank you! My kids do watch the big deal meets on TV, but that is it, and my 11 year old never makes it through the whole thing.

Anyway. You know your child best, but given her ADD and Asperger's, doesn't frequent complaining and reluctance to participate in group things kind of come with that territory? If she goes without an actual struggle, why not? So what if she is not progressing. If she does not care, why do you? I think it makes sense to keep looking for other activities she might feel more exited about, but in the meantime parking at gym for a while hardly seems like a bad idea. There are so many mental and physical benefits to gymnastics training.

I would suggest talk to the coaches about the yelling. Maybe they need better tools that will work better for your daughter.

As far as not having money for your other kids activities- that is a problem if some other child is truly getting shortchanged, but there may be other ways to rectify that than to take your daughter out of gymnastics. As far as both parents not being available for other kids things...that is just how life is in a family.
 
My daughter doesn't live and breathe gymnastics. She watched the Olympics. Some of the gymmies at the P&G, but not a lot. But she likes it. Loves her gymmie friends. And makes progress but she is a turtle.

Keeping in mind I have only one (well the other is grown and gone). There is nothing else she would rather do. Besides not doing anything but watch media. So this is what we do.

Every year she is offered the option to pick other things, and we remind her of this when she gets cranky about going. Because here as an only (we have 2 onlies given their age difference) she must do something with her time. Her cranky time of year is spring.

So the questions for you are, can you afford it? Are you OK with whatever else she is going to in place of it, including nothing? And is the rest of the family doing OK? Perhaps less hours? Perhaps take some time off but do other things and reevaluate? It doesn't have to be completely quit. And very little in life is permanent.

And to add, even those who are doing what the love and adore have moments where they just don't want to. Don't we all have those moments. Even when kid gets cranky about going, once there is happy to be there. And what she gets out of it, regarding strength and work ethic, life lessons. Totally worth it.
 
If your daughter is not dealing w/ ongoing painful injuries, surgeries and constant PT, as well as crying routinely in practice due to fear and/or frustration, she is very fortunate (cause many I know deal w/ this stuff on top of the indifferent feelings towards continuing.

She HAD some nasty injuries earlier on(Osgood-Schlatter's and knee sprain, fractured wrist), but in the last 3 years has been injury-free (except the usual rips, bruises, etc). No PT recently, never had surgery. She has never, that I know of, cried in practice. She tends to be very stoic, even when in pain (at practice). Her pre-team coach told me at the time, she was one of the only kids that didn't cry when the coach leaned on them to stretch them out (alarming considering recent news stories!). So yes, overall I guess it could be worse.
 
Madden3, you asked

"Anyway. You know your child best, but given her ADD and Asperger's, doesn't frequent complaining and reluctance to participate in group things kind of come with that territory?"

Not necessarily. I mean maybe for some kids. But for mine, if it's something she likes, she doesn't complain. However, it is often difficult to get her to get ready and get in the car, but this has nothing to do with where we're going. It has more to do with difficulty transitioning from one activity to another, no matter what the activities are. The difficulty transitioning IS a feature of spectrum disorders.
 
She HAD some nasty injuries earlier on(Osgood-Schlatter's and knee sprain, fractured wrist), but in the last 3 years has been injury-free (except the usual rips, bruises, etc). No PT recently, never had surgery. She has never, that I know of, cried in practice. She tends to be very stoic, even when in pain (at practice). Her pre-team coach told me at the time, she was one of the only kids that didn't cry when the coach leaned on them to stretch them out (alarming considering recent news stories!). So yes, overall I guess it could be worse.
You mentioned she has asbergrers right? (Sorry if it's something different, I thought I read that somewhere) the stoic traits definitely can come from that. does she see a therapist at all?
Perhaps this is something her therapist can talk with her about, she may feel more comfortable being open to talking about it then, with you there as well. Sorry if that's prying, just thought I'd suggest it as an idea.

She could be totally happy the way things are, she's just a kid who sometimes sees practice as a drag, and that's ok! Most kids feel like this from time to time. Getting her to open up about it may give you some clarity, if nothing else.
 
So the questions for you are, can you afford it? Are you OK with whatever else she is going to in place of it, including nothing? And is the rest of the family doing OK? Perhaps less hours? Perhaps take some time off but do other things and reevaluate? It doesn't have to be completely quit.

Afford it? By the skin of our teeth. Our financials are often an exercise in the subtle art of self-deception. But the school year will be easier because my current job is only school hours and we will again have a second income. Summer is tough.

Activities in place of it would probably default to non-stop Minecraft etc, unless I actively steered her to something new. So no, I'm definitely not ok with that! Rest of the family.....well my youngest son is 8, and he doesn't really have any activities at the moment. So it's definitely cheating him. He has done cub scouts and soccer and the odd rec gym class, but really wants to try acting classes and parkour and we just can't afford it. The older one is WAY into anything and everything music, is in marching band, jazz band, and chorus and plays four instruments so she is all set. Most of that is free (ish) through her school. My husband has never liked this (or any) gym and thinks the world of competitive gymnastics is somewhat toxic. He is thinly tolerant and reluctantly pays the bills.

She is going to do seven hours on two days this year so less hours isn't really a concern.

As far as time off, we were "this close" to taking the summer off complete but at the time didn't realize the contract is on a rolling quarterly renewal schedule and had just renewed a week prior. So she stuck with it.

I don't push her to quit (or stay). Years ago I may have pushed her to stick with it, had she wanted to quit then. Now, like I said I'm just kind of over the whole thing. As time has passed, it has become much more her decision than mine anyway. She wants to stay, so we stay.
 
Afford it? By the skin of our teeth. Our financials are often an exercise in the subtle art of self-deception. But the school year will be easier because my current job is only school hours and we will again have a second income. Summer is tough.

Activities in place of it would probably default to non-stop Minecraft etc, unless I actively steered her to something new. So no, I'm definitely not ok with that! Rest of the family.....well my youngest son is 8, and he doesn't really have any activities at the moment. So it's definitely cheating him. He has done cub scouts and soccer and the odd rec gym class, but really wants to try acting classes and parkour and we just can't afford it. The older one is WAY into anything and everything music, is in marching band, jazz band, and chorus and plays four instruments so she is all set. Most of that is free (ish) through her school. My husband has never liked this (or any) gym and thinks the world of competitive gymnastics is somewhat toxic. He is thinly tolerant and reluctantly pays the bills.

She is going to do seven hours on two days this year so less hours isn't really a concern.

As far as time off, we were "this close" to taking the summer off complete but at the time didn't realize the contract is on a rolling quarterly renewal schedule and had just renewed a week prior. So she stuck with it.

I don't push her to quit (or stay). Years ago I may have pushed her to stick with it, had she wanted to quit then. Now, like I said I'm just kind of over the whole thing. As time has passed, it has become much more her decision than mine anyway. She wants to stay, so we stay.
Amusibus, Sorry I should have perhaps clarified that was food for thought, you really don't owe any of us an explanation. But perhaps it helps/helped to plot it out.

Money aside, because your finances are certainly yours and yours alone. The biggest issue your son having the ability to try some things he would like. So rock and a hard place.

I'm guessing it would be nice to cut the money of gym but not gym itself. Could she do rec? That would save a whole lot of time and cash. IGC? Different gym? Again, just thinking out loud. We pay month to month and have the ability to just walk away, beyond meet fees already paid. I'm not sure we would be at a gym that had a "on the hook" for months at a time financial committment. I wonder if that is actually binding???? We also have the ability to not have to participate in every meet and some flexibility with hours. Perhaps a conversation with your gym regarding some flexibility that would make things more do-able for your family?

I get the husband thing. We use my account for gym. Husband says while he gets what we spend, its much more tolerable to not actually see the cash fly out the account.

Again, no explanations owed. Just stuff to chew on.
 
In my experience, when kids say they don't want to quit because they don't know what else they'd do and because they feel being a gymnast is who they are, quitting usually follows. There's a lot of tension and internal conflict around ending something that's been such a big part of your life. And it's scary to venture into the unknown. But gymnastics takes so much out of you that it's really hard to continue without that passion.

Another thing to mention is that it might be easier framed as a "break". E.g. maybe she could take a 3-month or 6-month break. And I do know a lot of girls who lost the spark, quit, and then came back a few years later with strong re-kindled motivation and were very successful.
 
The difficulty transitioning IS a feature of spectrum disorders

Sorry, yes that is what I meant. I do understand the idea your child might be "over" gym but not knowing what else to do, I have thought that about one of my sons too but he knows there are other sports available (has even tried a few) and when we ask he is firm about wanting to stick with competitive gym. He is just not as enthusiastic as his brother and the contrast throws me sometimes. So, I was mostly responding to the idea that a kid has to eat and breathe gymnastics to show reasonable enthusiasm for the sport. Just dragging ones butt to practice several times a week without massive resistance shows more enthusiasm than I was able to muster for sports (or much of anything) when I was a kid that age. Of course if she was at one time much more enthusiastic and no longer is, maybe that means something, but again I think age of development plays a role in that too.

I guess it sounds like YOU are tired of the sacrifices required to keep your child in competition gymnastics, and I think that is an entirely legitimate reason to find something different for your daughter even if she were more enthusiastic about gym. You are right, this sport takes tremendous family effort and financial commitment and it is simply not worth the strain in many circumstances.
 
Thanks everyone. I posted this thread to just kind of get others' perspectives on the whole thing. I get tangled up in my own thoughts a lot and it can cause a loss of perspective. I wasn't specifically seeking direct advice on what to do (that's a husband's job, right, men seem to like to advise how to fix things) but rather just to kind of step back and see things from multiple places. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense ...it's very late and it was the first day of school and a new job for me. Thanks to all who replied and happy fall everyone! I'll let you know how things go.
 
sounds a lot like my kiddo. except she does like to do flips and the last two weeks off from the gym (vacation and then gym closed) she spent on her hands and doing press handstands. however, first day back was yesterday and we spent 40 mins deciding if she was going to go or quit. i can't deal with the stress of her being on the fence anymore. have been dealing with this since may. :(
i've tried to get her to go over to excel or stay in lvl 6 another year. her one coach says she's lost her confidence. she's only 10 so if she needs a confidence year, i'm good with that. but i don't want her to quit only to realize she really didn't want to quit. she's starting to realize this too. she's so good too. and never had an issue. i've also thought that maybe someone said something to her (not her coaches) that made her start to doubt herself. when asked, she says no as well.
she's done very well. is skilled enough that if she set her mind to it, she has a good shot at doing it in college. so i don't know what this is either. and she doesn't have any disabilities.
so i think you are not alone! and it's actually good that she steps back from it at home. i don't think doing gymnastics 24/7 is helpful either!
 
sounds a lot like my kiddo. except she does like to do flips and the last two weeks off from the gym (vacation and then gym closed) she spent on her hands and doing press handstands. however, first day back was yesterday and we spent 40 mins deciding if she was going to go or quit. i can't deal with the stress of her being on the fence anymore. have been dealing with this since may. :(
i've tried to get her to go over to excel or stay in lvl 6 another year. her one coach says she's lost her confidence. she's only 10 so if she needs a confidence year, i'm good with that. but i don't want her to quit only to realize she really didn't want to quit. she's starting to realize this too. she's so good too. and never had an issue. i've also thought that maybe someone said something to her (not her coaches) that made her start to doubt herself. when asked, she says no as well.
she's done very well. is skilled enough that if she set her mind to it, she has a good shot at doing it in college. so i don't know what this is either. and she doesn't have any disabilities.
so i think you are not alone! and it's actually good that she steps back from it at home. i don't think doing gymnastics 24/7 is helpful either!


At 10, she's at an age when a lot of kids start to realize they can actually get hurt. I had read somewhere there's a philosophy of gymnastics coaching where they try to teach them as many big skills as possible while still pre-puberty, before fear kicks in. So maybe the age, but maybe also her level. At level six, things start to get crazy skill-wise. Real scary, risky stuff. I personally knew several gymnasts who quit around age 10-12/ level 6/7. Also they start to really compare themselves to other girls. With my daughter the comparison thing is a bit delayed because of the spectrum disorder, but the concept of risk and injury is definitely kicking in. Although mine is in xcel silver so skills are still pretty basic. Just some food for thought.
 

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