WAG Gymnastics and ex spouses

[Max]

Looking for how other chalk bucket parents have dealt with the training of gymnastics and ex spouses. My ex does not pay for any training and increasing complains about the time our girls spend at the gym. We have two girls on team one who will spend 12 hours and one 9 this coming year. He does not come to practice but does does drop off. He is very frustrated with their schedule and I am not sure how to get him to see their hard work. Wondering if anyone else had encountered this.

 

[cbifoja]

My ex was pretty unsupportive until she started doing "real gymnastics". He doesn't pay for tuition, doesn't pay for meet fees, doesn't drop off/pick up from practice, and only comes to meets that are relatively close.

Now that she is doing "real gymnastics", he has said he will try to pay for half of her meet fees next season (will believe it when I see the check). He no longer complains about the hours...has just accepted that it is part of the sport now. He actually is starting to swing the opposite direction, telling me that it is imperative that I not let her quit no matter what (clueless man).

As far as dealing....all I can say is advocate for what is best for your girls.

 

[BlairBob]

Good luck.

In my experience, these kids tend to wash out because the other spouse just fights it tooth and nail. They'll refuse to take the kids to gym, meets. I've seen some really talented kids end up quitting or the fact that the divorce is too stressful on the kid.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

don't know why 'we' have to be the idiots. tell him to put his dad pants on. it'll all come to end and sooner than later. tell him they can only be kids once...just like he was.

 

[cassafrass]

Its in our divorce decree ex has to pay half of all costs of gymnastics. He actually only pays half of tuition- the rest I take care of myself. Ex has attended 2 comps in 4 years! He doesnt understand that I dont know exactly what day she will compete until 2-3 weeks before. He also thought it was hardcore that she was requested ( "forced") to do conditioning on her 2 week summer visit with him...until the poor kid literally COULD NOT WALk after returning. I think he is slowly coming around because her grades are high and she does music and drama as well. I think he misses the days of softball when he would grope is much younger girlfriend for all to see! DD doesnt care what he thinks- he has even gone so far as call it a waste of time years ago whem she waa just 7 or 8 SHe is 11 now and going strong and loves gymnastics more than ever!

 

[bookworm]

In my experience, these kids tend to wash out because the other spouse just fights it tooth and nail. They'll refuse to take the kids to gym, meets. I've seen some really talented kids end up quitting or the fact that the divorce is too stressful on the kid.

This is what I've seen as well from families in this predicament...the kid just caves because they are sick of being seen as a "reason" for discontent...

I suppose getting a decision like cassafrass did where the ex pays half , and then you could do as you please time wise....

 

[Max]

I do have it in the divorce that he will pay half but have never seen a penny.

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

We have a whole section on gymnastics in our separation agreement. Who pays, who gets to go to meets, who travels, scheduling of vacations vs. gym, etc.

Lawyer thought we are crazy, but when that much of her life is in the gym (26 hours a week) and a significant investment, we have to be on the same page.

So far, so good.

 

[jessmomto2]

I don't have any specific advice on this but I could see my ex husband being stubborn about the same things if he ever did decided to reenter my kid's lives in more than a see them once every few months kind of way. That must be really difficult situation for both you and your dd to be in.

 

[gracyomalley]

DD went through a very difficult time about a year ago - scared to do the L8 skills (ended up repeating L7), starting puberty, etc. I thought that was all but it turned out her biggest stress at the time was that her dad didn't support her and had only come to one meet ever (her first L5 at age 8, scratched bars and too tiny (really) to get over vault without a spot). She had it in her head that he would never support her until she was "winning".

Fast forward a year - old coach pulled him in for a meeting, he listened to her. He picked her up at a couple of practices, contributed one half of one meet fee (albeit a big one), and made it to see her a second time in 4 years of competing - this time at L7 state where she placed top 6 in everything but vault. Dad's proud, relatives all over the country hear about it, etc. No more financial or concrete (as in driving,etc) support came out of it, but DD knows that he is behind her on this one AS MUCH AS HE IS ON ANYTHING...

Divorce stinks, parenting after one is really hard, and although sometimes better for the kids than not divorcing, its hard on them no matter what. I've finally let go of him "helping out more" with anything in particular - just focusing on helping the kids have a relationship with him that supports them in a few ways at least. DD describes him as "more of a big brother than a dad"....tis what it is...

I am lucky that I have full custody and although he complains off and on about that he lacks sufficient follow through in life to really ever change anything for himself....he does love them - and hopefully she knows that. She's got enough stress just with gymnastics lately, doesn't need extra!

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

@gracyomalley , I expect your story is more the typical/likely one than mine.

DD is fortunate that her daddy believes in her 100%. It was he who asked that certain things related to gymnastics be included - he wanted to be sure he could attend any and all competitions, away meets, etc. I love that for her, that we are both behind her in every way.

He talks to me about her progress, her coaches, what he should expect moving forward (he's so in over his head - he saw a video of someone doing a geinger and asked her if she was going to try it at IGC ), are we at the right gym, etc? all of the time. He has one on one conversations with me about it, without her there. It is obvious he's in it for the long haul.

That is, being a daddy first, and being a gym daddy second

 

[Max]

Oh I so wish I could get him there, I want him to love it because they love it

 

[Becauseisaid]

Oh I so wish I could get him there, I want him to love it because they love it

I think the only way this will happen is if you have a sit down, face to face conversation.

I think a lot of Dads have a harder time with this than if they had a son who wanted to play football or baseball all the time. Those are sports they understand. Perhaps you can explain it by saying that the girls CHOOSE to train as hard as they do because they love their sport. Without that training they could be hurt.

Personally, I would lay it on the line by saying that his daughters need him to back them up so that they know he loves them and supports them.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

As a second wife I have a slightly different perspective. My hubbie was not the one who sought the divorce ( in fact he never saw it coming bless him) and when we got together his daughter was 4. His ex was not the active type and we encouraged his daughter into lots of clubs, which she put the kybosh on at every turn. It was all about "taking her away", both physically and emotionally. I think she felt that anything that meant closer ties to us and less time for her (even though she did nothing with her) was a power play on my behalf. Its a very emotive issue.

 

[2gymnastand1soccerplayer]

I'm am currently going through this with my ex. he doesn't want to pay for my oldest dds last year of gym. He's keeps telling her there's no point because it's not like your an elite or going for college. I want her to go back because she's had a rough last 3 seasons And she wants to finish off her last year of gym having fun, no stress, just having fun like she used to. My current husband keeps telling me that he will gladly pay for her gym, but I don't want him to do that, it's her fathers job and it's in the divorce agreement. But there's also other things in he agreement that he doesn't follow through with. I hope everything ends well but no matter what my best interest is hers and she will go back to the gym for her last year, so she can have fun.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

I'm am currently going through this with my ex. he doesn't want to pay for my oldest dds last year of gym. He's keeps telling her there's no point because it's not like your an elite or going for college. I want her to go back because she's had a rough last 3 seasons And she wants to finish off her last year of gym having fun, no stress, just having fun like she used to. My current husband keeps telling me that he will gladly pay for her gym, but I don't want him to do that, it's her fathers job and it's in the divorce agreement. But there's also other things in he agreement that he doesn't follow through with. I hope everything ends well but no matter what my best interest is hers and she will go back to the gym for her last year, so she can have fun.

that's the wrong reason...

 

[Max]

Thank you so much for these posts, so much of what I am reading is what I have heard my ex say and do it is just un canny. Although it doesn't make it right it has helped me come closer to a level of acceptance of the situation.

 

[Max]

He's keeps telling her there's no point because it's not like your an elite or going for college. .

I hear a very similar comment that our daughters will never go to the Olympics, that just sounds like crazy talk to me and not a reason to give up your sport. Yet when he says it he is actually serious.

 

[Max]

Oops sorry I obviously do not have the jist of quoting yet on CB.

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

Seriously. I'm not doubting any of you that this happens, but what sane person uses this as an excuse? Of all kids playing all manner of sports at all levels, 99% of them will not be an elite or going to college. So why play rec soccer or pickup basketball or join a softball team at all, ever? Even if it is at the competitive level, these are recreational activities, including music lessons, art, horseback riding, science camp, whatever your thing is.....

Sheesh. What are some people (some ex's) thinking ?!?