Handling Emotions With A Competitive Nature

[Shelovesthebars]

My dd has a super competitive nature. It can be about anything. An example: yesterday the coach sent her and 2 teamates to find something missing in the area of the gym. My daughter was the first to run over to the area but another girl was first to find the missing item and took it to the coach. Keep in mind that they are all young and want the coaches approval. She was so upset that she started crying. She went back over to the class though but stood by the wall for a for a minute to calm herself down. The coach was great about it though and gave her a minute to collect herself. Then the coach directed her to rejoin the class which she did. She finished the rest of the class with a positive attitude. Another example: She rides the bus to school with kids that are older than her. She has been watching the older kids jockey each other for the last 7 months to get on the school bus first even to the point that the older kids would get out into the street into the buses path. Now it has evolved in a way that my dd has picked up on it and managed to get the older kids to wait on the curb and my dd is first to get onto the bus just by looking at the older kids and letting them know that way that she is going first. My dd is 4. The older kids listen to her but honestly why is it so important to be first on the bus anyway? How can I help her channel her competitive nature in a positive way so she can use it but not sweat the small stuff?

 

[MdGymMom01]

It sounds like you have your hands full on this one!!! Since she is just 4, I am sure that she will outgrow this at some point. My dd has a friend who has this same competitive nature and is also super talented and very athletic. I do think that having a competitive nature is good in some ways because it drives the person to work hard and be the best that they can be. Unfortunately, when you are trying to beat everyone, it leaves you with a lot of the other kids getting very jealous and it can isolate the competitive person. It is okay to be competitive but you also have to be empathetic towards the others.

I would suggest getting your dd involved in more team oriented games that offer cooperation as a whole. She is still so very young so I am sure she will learn more team player aspects when she enters school. I wouldn't worry about this too much. Just emphasise good sportsmanship with her and how to win and lose gracefully.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

MdGymMon01-You hit the nail on the head when you said to teach her to win and lose gracefully. That is really important because I want her to be able to enjoy the journey of her life and not get so caught up in little things. She is small (2t clothes) for her age and very fragile looking but when she opens up her mouth, she has a personality! I wonder if part of it is wanting people to take her seriously so she is over compensating?

 

[eme777]

I would definitely try to nip it in the bud now. We know a girl who is almost 7 & she still has a fit if she's not first! She used to be in my middle daughter's gym class & the other girls never made a big deal about being first, they could all take turns well. This other girl made such a big deal about always being first that the coach spent more time dealing with this issue instead of teaching them gymnastics. Most of the other parents were ready to pull their kids from the class.

Some kids may naturally grow out of it, but I think most do so because their parents make an effort to teach their kids how to better deal with it.

Don't take all the competitive spirit away, though, it can definitely be a good motivator!

 

[gymdog]

Well, she's only 4, and I think it's hard to get a 4 year old to understand and control emotions like that. However, I think these kinds of personality traits at at the extreme are serious enough to be concerning, because of the kinds of self-destructive they can develop into. I don't actively try to cultivate or encourage competition in children...although hopefully no decent coach at the preteam/developmental level is trying to do that either.

I think at this age it is most important to reflect and model alternatives. For the example given, I'd say something like "I see that you were upset by that." She may not respond, but given that try to turn into a viewpoint like "but it's great that someone found it, right? Because that was what you were trying to do. Do you think there could have been another way to do it other than racing?" She might say something like "we could have told each other where we already looked" or something like that, but you could help out here too. I often try to offer alternatives like "I see you're upset that he got in the wrong place in line. But maybe he just forgot his place, and it was a mistake, so you can't act like that. How can you help someone who made a mistake?" and wait for them to come up with some answer like "I could tell them nicely, or I could let them change places in line, etc"

As far as the bus thing, are there not adults there or did you hear this secondhand? I think safety is a "zero tolerance" issue where consequences can be imposed. If a child is going in the street in front of a bus, whoever is driving/supervising/whatever needs to get involved. When I was in elementary school the policy was the bus doors didn't open and no one boarded until everyone was in line on the sidewalk. This was enforced only by older kids who were designated patrols, and one of them led the line. But the kids often scramble if we're lining up to move from place to place at the gym, and I don't tolerate running/pushing/climbing to "game" the line. Everyone has to go back or sit down, and line up in an orderly fashion or we don't move.

 

[Pickle's Mom]

When my daughter was 4, her coach was great about getting the kids to cheer for one another. My daughter is also super competitive and always wants to be "the best" and this was a great lesson for her. For example, they would always cheer each other on when climbing rope. When another child was able to climb to the top before her, she kept on cheering. Of course, in the car on the way home there were a few tears followed by a "I'm making it to the top next week."

As she's grown older and started competing this lesson has stayed with her. She always cheers for her teammates, even when they do better than she does. I'm very grateful to that coach for helping her with this.

 

[gymdog]

From what you have said it seems she may need a little help on understanding how to be courteous to others.

It doesn't sound exactly like an issue with courtesy to me. I know many girls - and largely through high level gymnastics, I suppose, but there's some bias there because I stayed in gymnastics through my senior year - that to others would be described as kind, forgiving, helpful, and who are brutal when it comes to their own perceived shortcomings.

It's just not a great cycle. Then again I have mixed feelings on how you really address that or whether anyone really has the power to change it or to what extent. That is why I am terrified to face this issue as a parent. It's probably my worst nightmare, especially after seeing all the pain firsthand (not just myself - others too). That's also why I have mixed feelings as I start coaching higher levels and girls hitting 12-13. It's hard for me to see patterns of behavior and feel relatively powerless.

Edit: Also, I forgot in my last post. Of course as with any behavior we can recognize great displays of appropriate behavior and praise the children for being good teammates and good sports. For example, "I see that you are waiting patiently until there is space in the line. That was a great way to handle that." It's very difficult to teach patience and I think we can expect quite a bit of variation here until more impulse control starts kicking in. I think again narrative discussion of the times when patience is important and noting where it was displayed is helpful. For example, when I teach children that age, before we start any circuit, I make everyone sit down, and I have a set of three or so "rules" for any given piece of equipment/event. Usually one is something like "you need to leave enough space/wait until the person in front of you gets to there/one person at a time." But it's very exciting and sometimes they get ahead of themselves. Children this age lack discretion. Sometimes they need to be told very bluntly what is a "never" behavior (i.e., pushing or running in a dangerous path to get in line). But sometimes this is an issue of controlling natural emotions like disappointment and that is very different to me (any example of "losing" something, like the first example). I think there it's important to try and get them to generate alternative ways to look at the situation that is not so negative.

In other words, you can't control outcomes, only your own attitude. But that's a very difficult concept to consistently practice even as an adult...so for a little child that is understandably a lot to take in, especially in a sensory rich environment, towards the end of the day, they are working very hard and trying to process a ton of information, etc. We need to be sensitive to that too. Sometimes with a little kids it is really just the end of the rope of a long day and not a "character fault" so to speak.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

As far as finding the object in class, I don't know the whole story. I only know that 3 of the kids from class came running to the front of the gym with my daughter running and getting there first. I don't know if the coach set it up as a competition between the girls or if they were only sent to find an object. However, the coach does have them compete against each other regularly during class.
As far as cheering her teamates on, my daughter just got an award from the gym for team spirit. One of the girls she was paired up with couldn't get a skill and my daughter talked her through it and cheered her on until she got it. The coach saw this happening from across the gym and was really impressed with it. So team spirit is not the issue.
As far as the bus is concerned, she didn't participate with the older kids but just watched. The other parents were there and let the older kids do it. Finally the bus driver had a talk with the kids and parents that were at fault. I guess since my daughter is the only one that followed the rules, she let the kids know that she would be first onto the bus from then on. And she really enjoys that status, let me tell you.
What I am concered about is her crying in class because she wasn't first. She was able to compose herself though without disrupting class. She is also very competitive with her friends. It is not just sports but drawing and things like that too. She realized her friend was better at drawing and now pushes herself to draw better. She went from not being able to draw a sqare to drawing realistic cats in two weeks. It may be that she is more competitve with herself than anyone. At least she doesn't give up. Then again I would rather she not be so hard on herself.

 

[gymjoy]

lol - try having two of those in your family. Everything has been a competition since my son was able to understand the idea of winning - about 2. My dd's competitive nature started with her first play group (which was a mommy and me gym class!)
My best advice - try to channel it in positive ways and not let her become to self-involved. Both my kids can become very disheartened and down on themselves if they don't get something or don't win. Then they unravel, which often leads to them either A) acting out inappropriately, or B) wanting to quit. I support neither.
I do a lot of cheer-leading and encouragement. I try to defuse competition on the little things and make them focus on others feelings - not just their own. It is okay to cry, or be angry or upset - as long as you use that energy in a positive way.

I think that your dd handled herself well. She took a minute to herself, got herself together, and then moved on. Be grateful you have a coach that understands that and did not badger or reprimand her. This temperament often needs alone time to gather themselves together after a disappointment. I can not tell you how many times I have had a conversation with a coach or teacher about how to handle my son - and your coach did exactly what I always ask.