How Do You Handle The Mean Spirited Parents

[Shelovesthebars]

My daughter had her first meet this weekend and got first all around. I didn't know that she would because I only kept track of her scores, not anyone else's gymnast. Two moms became increasingly nasty as the meet progressed. When they announced the winners and the all around these 2 moms were very upset and acted very wierd. One parent left immediately after awards in a huff and one was miffed because I asked for a picture of our 2 girls together. Our girls are friends even though I barely know the parents. These girls are all teammates and like each other. How do you deal with parents like this? My mom always taught me to kill them with kindness so to speak so I have pretty much adopted this method. We do have some great parents too so it isn't all bad but how do I enjoy her successes if everytime she does something she is proud of, these few parents are going to do their best to be nasty. I am not being obnoxious and I am openly supportive of all of the girls. Is just ignoring the behavior best or do I just avoid sitting by these parents at costs?

 

[bogwoppit]

Ignore. Find somewhere else to sit. Life is full of people who are so egocentric, paying them no attention is the most effective way of stopping them.

I have seen a few over the years, but their frustration with the sport made them take their dd's out.

 

[Sunobo]

I would ignore them and possibly sit somewhere else.

It's possible that their behavior will change over time. Since it was the first meet and the girls are level 3, it's possible that the moms had high expectations of what would happen both in terms of how a meet is run and how their daughters would perform. Here's hoping they mellow as the season progresses.

 

[sportzmomov3]

First, congrats to your DD for doing so well!

Second, RUN from those parents so you can enjoy your DD's experiences with her.

Finally, it's almost a guarantee that those girls won't be in gymnastics as long as your DD based on their parental support (or lack of), and it's a guarantee that you'll run into similar parents elsewhere down the line.

Sad that there are always parents like that - in every activity...

 

[gymjoy]

First, congratulations to you dd, sound like she had a great meet
And I'm sorry you had to put up with that, unfortunately competition can bring out the ugly in many of us. For some it is a chronic ailment, for some it is just a bad day.
I will admit to having my ugly moments at some of my children's sports competitions. At gym meets I've been mad at my dd for goofing around instead of warming up or for falling on skills she's nailed millions of times (those thrown away points would have given her a medal!!); at judges for perceived favoritism (or rather, dislike for our team), at coaches for perceived lack of attention toward my dd, at the girls who always win, and worst of all, at the parents whose dd always wins because they are so gracious to everyone - (It is so easy to be gracious when your dd has 5 medals clanking around her neck - ) Yep, I've been on their side - and I have been on yours. Being nice when dd wins, but being shunned, or worse. There is no easy answer.

What I have found to work for me is a bit of ignoring and a bit of avoiding. I'll sometimes sit near, but not with the other parents - especially the ones who get to overly involved or emotional at meets. Sometimes I come into the venue late and, oh darn, have to sit far away from the crowd of our gyms parents When I do sit with them I tend to keep my mouth shut. When I do say something, it tends to be nice comments on other gymnast. If they don't want to take the compliments, for whatever reasons, I let it go. I can not make them be nice - but I've learned not to let it affect me too much. It is a skill developed over time.

My grandmother, who was very wise in her own crazy way, would always tell me to "just put a smile on and keep moving." In other words, you can only control your feelings, not the feelings of others. If they wish to sulk, or be mean, or ugly, doesn't mean you need to do that - or even react to it.

I'm not certain any of this makes sense. I hope your dd didn't pick up any of the negativity, and that these mom's don't set their dd's against yours (seen that happen too often). Good luck

 

[lilgymmie7]

Again, Congrats to your DD! I am going to speak based on personal experience here. I tend to think it works best. Be sure you are not sending off conflicting messages about your individual pride of your DD's accomplishment. What I mean is to watch how you talk to the parents on your DD's team. Even those you think are confidants.
When older DD was in gym, I had an experience with a so-called confidant. Years later, I came to find this person twisted my words and went off with her own version to the other parents. It was no wonder really why some parents nearly bit my head off at every practice. My DD had coaches who obviously had favorites. By no work on my behalf DD became their favorite. Well when DD placed and their kid didn't, talk started.
I however, did not ignore, I did not avoid. The lesson I had to teach my children far out weighed my desire to simply walk away. Without my knowledge of what my confidant was saying I approached the parents who were gruffy. I continued to applaud their DDs at every turn. I stressed the importance to my DD that she behave like a supportive teammate. In turn, these gruffy parents made a 360. Had I avoided them, I think our problems would have festered and finally come to a head.
When two of these parents had decided to leave the gym, they even begged that we go with them. " Our DD's are such great teammates together!" is what they said to me.
I have posted on here before about the dire need to go head on with your problems and intentions. I am far too honest a person to handle problems/situations any other way.
At one point, one of the above mentioned parents almost attacked me as I had my sleeping toddler in my arms. They even tried to have us outlawed from the gym. I mentioned these last two situations because I want to show you how 'ugly' the situation can get. Verbalize your feelings like you have here as opposed to staying quite. Could be that you have misinterpreted Their views, etc. I hope I haven't offended, for that is not my intention.

 

[gymmomof1]

Congrats to your DD on her meet IMHO your mom is right so don't change who you are because of them. They have the problem not you and if they want to come to you and tell you why they are in a huff fine, if not then you still should treat them like you would anyone. Once you start avoiding I think the situation only spirals in a bad way. Peace to you!

 

[Shelovesthebars]

Lilgymmie7- I am not offended at all. One of these moms seems like she is a bit unbalanced. She cries at the gym, slams doors in people's faces... when she doesn't think her gymmie is treated like the princess she most surely is. She has been a little more crazy in the week leading up to the meet in her behavior. The other one I think may come around given a little time. The second mom has a level 5 at our gym that was wanting to quit this year in a bad way because her mom stressed her out so much. Her older gymmie is now just doing the recreational team because her mom talked her into doing that hoping that she will go back to usag. Let's just hope she doesn't do this to her younger gymmie too. But I can see if she keeps this up, she will be going down the same path.
I guess part of the resentment too is that my gymmie and the girl who got second place train together without the other level threes. They get different training and are very close. It really should have put them at a disadvantage because they are not spending a lot of time on the level 3 skills and routines like the others but they still took first and second place. It is not a question of coaches favorites. It is just that my gymmie and her friend are capable of moving at a faster pace.

 

[MdGymMom01]

Shelovesthebars--congrats to your dd on her first meet and her great finishes!! That is a lot to be proud of and yes it totally sucks when you have to deal with mean-spirited parents. Like other posters, I have been through this too many times with gymnastics, cheer and dance--it is EVERYWHERE, literally. The same thing happened at my dd's first meet when she did very well and her supposed bff on the team started getting very nasty (along with the parents). It was a gradual thing over the course of the season but I did notice a growing pattern of hatred and eventually sabotage. That family did eventually switch gyms, and I hear they are unfortunately up to their old antics at that gym as well. So people really don't change.

Even though I taught my dd to be the bigger person and always "kill them with kindness" so to speak, it was still very painful for myself and my dd to go through this and be the targets of their hatred, jealousy and competitiveness. Since then, I have really stepped away from it all. I don't watch practices that much, and I don't really socialize with the families at the gym. I definitely have fine-tuned my "crazy parent radar" and can spot one a mile away now and avoid them at all costs. I simply don't get involved anymore. I can basically tell who the "cool, balanced and down-to-earth parents" are and try to associate with them. The minute I see what I consider to be an over-involved or highly competitive parent, I back away. And my instincts have usually proven me right.

As you get more experienced with the gym world, you will figure it out and how much involvement works for you. Hang in there--it will balance out in the end.

There will always be haters. The trick is how to deal with them without further perpetuating their hatred.

H.A.T.E.R.S = Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success.

 

[Bobby]

...Is just ignoring the behavior best or do I just avoid sitting by these parents at costs?

Admittedly I'm not talking from experience.
But as I read your post I was thinking as much of how your DD may need to handle it as well as you. So in that context I guess I'd say carry on with what you've already done: Be gracious and congratulate the other girls; enjoy your DD's success without either boasting or apologising; accept that some people's spotsmanship is less evolved than yours; cross your fingers that they improve with time; surround yourself with people with a good attitude if you can find some, try not to let certain people's behaviour take the gloss of your happy time.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

Happyfacetwin- My daughter did actually have a problem with one of her teamates that is a year older. The little girl stuck her tounge out at my dd to try to rattle her before she did her bar routine. (My dd is known for her bars) I asked her how she handled it and she told me that she just told the coach. I said that was a good way to handle it. However she continued to be nasty to her. It really didn't affect my dd because she went on to get the highest bar score of the day, 9.55. She is so focused for a 5 year old. But in the future, I will have to pay more attention to how she is treated. It looks like she was able to handle it at this competition. She stayed with her best friend all through awards and they got first and second and were spotted many times holding hands so she has a lot of positive support too.

 

[NGL780309]

My daughter had her first meet this weekend and got first all around. I didn't know that she would because I only kept track of her scores, not anyone else's gymnast. Two moms became increasingly nasty as the meet progressed. When they announced the winners and the all around these 2 moms were very upset and acted very wierd. One parent left immediately after awards in a huff and one was miffed because I asked for a picture of our 2 girls together. Our girls are friends even though I barely know the parents. These girls are all teammates and like each other. How do you deal with parents like this? My mom always taught me to kill them with kindness so to speak so I have pretty much adopted this method. We do have some great parents too so it isn't all bad but how do I enjoy her successes if everytime she does something she is proud of, these few parents are going to do their best to be nasty. I am not being obnoxious and I am openly supportive of all of the girls. Is just ignoring the behavior best or do I just avoid sitting by these parents at costs?

From reading many of your posts it seems like you are in with a bad bunch. I know problems like this exist in gymnastics, but the case at your gym seems pretty extreme. I can honestly say DD's entire team has been supportive of each other. We are excited when a girl from our team does well because they are all part of the same team. This is generally the case in my experience over the last decade of going to meets. I mean it's Level 3 for goodness sake. What's wrong with these people?

 

[Shelovesthebars]

Ngl- I wish I could thank you for your post several times so here goes... Thank you, Thank you, Thank you... Some of the parents are actually great but the vast majority need a reality check. The girls get along great so far so it isn't our gymmies. Parents need to relax.

 

[Azgymmiemom]

I am so sorry you and dd are going thru this. Parents can be worse than kids sometimes!! It's unfortunate, bc I know that you really like your gym and your coaches, too. All I can offer is to say, just keep your head up and hang on. Your dd seems very talented, and as soon as her age catches up with her, she will move quickly up a few levels to where more level headed, seasoned parents prevail. (at least, it seems that way! theres always one or two nuts, but usually not a majority!)

We are soooo lucky to have a great group of parents who support ALL the kids. If that happened to us, I wouldn't know what to do...I'd be torn between staying and leaving just because of the rotten parents, so I certainly feel for you!

Here's hugs...and just hang in there! I'm sure it will get better as your dd moves up.
It must be the lower level curse or something (lol) Our gym doesn't compete before level 4, but I've heard the rec parents and developmental group parents bicker and make snide comments. Magically, they all seem to disappear or "grow up" by the time they reach team. Whew!