How to help smooth the 13-14 year transition? (A "quitting" question.)

[gymdog]

Excellent, dunno. Aussiecoach's comments were helpful, but they made me think that, since my child is still rather "young" for her age, I may really be looking towards the 14 to 15 transition. (Boys?!) I have to say that it's really interesting dealing with someone who can be amazingly mature one moment and then turn into a little kid the next. I've never had to do this before (dd is my only child), but it must make life interesting for coaches.

Some kids are more socially "forward" from a younger age and this can complicate things, though of course it's not the only factor. I was recently commenting to another coach which of the younger crop of kids that I used to work with I thought, barring injury, would be committed to gymnastics through high school (assuming they continued to progress). I picked two as "pretty sures" partially because of physical talent and focus, but also because I perceive those two to be a tad more introverted and stray less easily to social distractions. One super talent who is entering middle school who I'm just not sure on. She's very concerned about boys and missing social events already. I am not sure with all the social options and distractions of high school, how she is going to respond to that in a few years.

Then again, sometimes the more introverted, intense personalities can be prone to burnout and internalizing stress/fears. I was also thinking about a little level 4, she's really too young to tell now, but physically gifted enough I think she will be an athlete in any sport as she ages. She is also just an offbeat little kid and incredibly happy and cheerful. I think she will be able to shake off a lot without losing focus, and while she's incredibly outgoing, it's in a more...offbeat way. She kind of forges her own path and doesn't seem to feel much social pressure to go any one day. But she's very young so that could change, it just struck me the other day that she's such a happy, in the moment kid, going all out no matter what happened 10 minutes ago.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

kids need to be brought up around other kids with like and similar interests with their committments to make this gymnastics thing easier. this needs to happen in grade school. most likely, when the child makes the transition from grade school to middle school he/she will be moving along with their friends to the next school and so on to high school. by 5th grade, and ostensibly you have a gymnast training approx 12-15 hours a week in a gym, if your child's friend is a voyeur and not a doer is where you find the voyeur pulling your child away from their activity. the voyeur has nothing to do...the doer does. therefore, they need to 'hang' with kids that are doers. in this way, and when it comes time for your child to say to their voyeur friend "no, i can't come to the birthday party because i have gym" your child won't have to listen to how they are a rotten friend to the voyeur because the voyeur tells your child that "you're always at the gym...if we were friends you would do more with ME and definitely you would come to my party"!

well then, when our kids hang with the doers the doers parents will have already communicated each others schedules with the other(s). they will know which day for the party is good for EVERYONE and there will be no conflict. everyone goes to their 'practice' and they all attend the party. your cake and eat it to! this takes work on the parents part. but that's your job. it was my job also.

speaking of parties, or sockhops, or anything else that comes up between the 5th grade and 9th grade. at some point your kids have to learn that you WORK so that you can afford to send them to the things that they do. you as the parent prioritize your hard earned income, therefore, your child must prioritize their time. it is not reasonable for a doer to go to a birthday party, school dance, play date, sleepover, movie, etc; every week end. so, you gotta tell them to pick and forever hold their peace. and keep in mind please, this is a way of life that must be learned before college for all kids NOT JUST FOR GYMNASTS. our youth is in trouble because they got to much and too many options to go along with the got to much. the joneses syndrome has been more trouble than it's worth...then add the computers, cell phones, facebook, etc;

before the 5th grade, and within reasonable financial means, your kids should be exposed to as many things as possible. like museums. here they can see and learn about the absolute wonderment of the body and why they are able to do the things that they do. they need to read BOOKS...not FACEBOOKS! i believe that all children should learn a musical instrument. reading and music develop the left side brain. words and notes are processed one in the same. sports, and more so gymnastics than any other, assist in fine tuning the brain and it's nervous system due to the intercourse and stimulation of the 2. we have known for years, and before most of you were even married with children (pun intended) that gymnastics causes kids to become better readers and better math problem solvers. it's documented by every educational think tank known to modern society.

and really folks, what is really important by time they hit the 9th grade? that they commit and do well in school. that they need their proper rest. that they need to eat food, fruits and vegetables whether they like them or not. not crap! that they know how to wipe themselves properly and brush their teeth on a regular and daily basis. to have good hygiene so that their doer friends don't think that they smell. to respect their elders, their parents, their mother even more, their teachers and coaches.

now if they can do and learn the above, you will eventually have a stress free student athlete. and i emphasize STUDENT first. your children won't want to quit because they learned from you that the above is a healthy lifestyle, it's challenging and all their doer friends are busy just like them! that they fit in with these doer friends every step of the way in to high school. this is where sports took a wrong turn approx 10 years ago. i could pontificate here for hours how sports have taken over the lives of children. you now see the negative side effects at the professional, college and high school level of sports. it has now infected the clubs. just a bunch of whining, entitled, spoiled and selfish individuals sports has been turning out for about 10 years now. and the parents, with the help of the coaches, let this happen...

gymnastics is an art. the upbringing of a gymnast is synonymous with a good opera or concert. there are crescendos in training hours. and time for rest and recovery. there are soft bars. there is staccato. there is rhythm and sincopation. there is happiness and sadness. reading is a language. music is a language. gymnastics is a language. these things don't just speak to your children in practical and spiritual ways. they teach them how to speak a language to us as adults. and we need to listen to their interpretive language.

if we as parents don't teach our children about different languages as described above then we shouldn't be at all surprised when they up and quit without warning or a word. these languages teach children how to communicate with the world. those that are parents know how difficult it is for a child to simply communicate that they don't feel good or are sick. or that their elbow hurts. when kids want to quit anything it didn't come out of nowhere. the result is abrupt. but the process was fermenting in their head weeks and months before they lash out. if the kids are not taught by us what it means to be tired which could lead to exhaustion then is it so difficult to understand that a 12 year old can't communicate this and feels that they are backed in a corner trying to please everyone around them and not wanting to disappoint those that they know love them? and that if you go to many days in a row feeling like that without an adult monitoring the childs physical/emotional/mental well being, especially coaches who ironically spend more time with children than their parents imo, then everyone is flabbergasted when the child quits without hesitation or warning. and all because a language to communicate this all was never taught to the child. and then the child is blamed for not communicating his/her feelings sooner. understand the circular logic? parents need to be more sophisticated and coaches need to learn to listen to their charges. quite frankly, it has always puzzled me that kids have a difficult time communicating that they are full (from eating) that they are overtly exhausted or don't feel well or...you know the one where the gymnast comes up to the coach and says "coach, my ankle hurts a bit cause i took a fall and luckily caught myself before i killed myself...so could i go ice my ankle and then go to bars"? the coach says "yes, of course" and as the athlete turns and walks away the coach can see that the gymnast also dislocated his/her elbow...and yells to them to sit down.

so far i hope my thoughts don't seem to random...tired now. i'll be back.

 

[gymjourneymom]

Thanks Dunno!!! Your post always contain wisdom from so many different perspectives, something for everyone here to relate too! I totally with your analogies of gymnastics being a language and an art, very insightful!!! A recipe for raising a well balanced child both mentally & physically. Thanks for taking the time to share your insight with us!

 

[MdGymMom01]

Very insightful and wonderful post Dunno!!! Definitely very nutritious food for thought!!!

 

[coachmolly]

Some kids are more socially "forward" from a younger age and this can complicate things, though of course it's not the only factor. I was recently commenting to another coach which of the younger crop of kids that I used to work with I thought, barring injury, would be committed to gymnastics through high school (assuming they continued to progress). I picked two as "pretty sures" partially because of physical talent and focus, but also because I perceive those two to be a tad more introverted and stray less easily to social distractions. One super talent who is entering middle school who I'm just not sure on. She's very concerned about boys and missing social events already. I am not sure with all the social options and distractions of high school, how she is going to respond to that in a few years.

The above is what I was trying to say in my reply that each child is different in their needs and wants, even in the teenage years. While many of the posts in this thread have been very insightful, well thought out, and true, they mainly focus on children with a more outgoing, socially concerned personality. While this certainly composes a large percentage of the children who leave gymnastics for other outlets in the teen years, it completely ignores the more introverted children who are also facing struggles at this time, just struggles of a slightly different kind.
I left the sport as a teenager (15), largely due to physical injuries, but also due in large part to mental stress. I lived for gymnastics because I loved gymnastics, not for the friends involved. My gym "friends" from childhood are no longer people I keep in touch with and their influence was not why I stayed or left the gym. I preferred spending my Friday nights in the gym, it was an excuse to not have to attend parties and dances that I would not have enjoyed anyway. The social pulls of teenage life played a very small part in my decision to leave the sport, and I'm sure there are other children like that out there.
So, besides injury, why did I leave? Because at 15, I felt as though my coaches had given up on me. That being at a lower level at an older age, I was an embarrassment to their program. I had goals for myself, goals which the coaches were unwilling to work with out of their own personal concerns and image. While many of these anxiety producing idea were self developed, the coaches certainly played a role in feeding my doubts about myself and my abilities. It was during these years that I needed, not less hours in the gym, but a coach willing to listen to what I wanted and a develop a plan that would have been satisfactory to all parties, to calm my fears of inadequacy and feeling like a burden on the gym and coaches, and help relieve the pressure I was placing on myself to achieve goals with no support from coaches.
Kids like myself are out there, and their needs should also be accounted for in this type of discussion.

 

[gymjourneymom]

The above is what I was trying to say in my reply that each child is different in their needs and wants, even in the teenage years. While many of the posts in this thread have been very insightful, well thought out, and true, they mainly focus on children with a more outgoing, socially concerned personality. While this certainly composes a large percentage of the children who leave gymnastics for other outlets in the teen years, it completely ignores the more introverted children who are also facing struggles at this time, just struggles of a slightly different kind.
I left the sport as a teenager (15), largely due to physical injuries, but also due in large part to mental stress. I lived for gymnastics because I loved gymnastics, not for the friends involved. My gym "friends" from childhood are no longer people I keep in touch with and their influence was not why I stayed or left the gym. I preferred spending my Friday nights in the gym, it was an excuse to not have to attend parties and dances that I would not have enjoyed anyway. The social pulls of teenage life played a very small part in my decision to leave the sport, and I'm sure there are other children like that out there.
So, besides injury, why did I leave? Because at 15, I felt as though my coaches had given up on me. That being at a lower level at an older age, I was an embarrassment to their program. I had goals for myself, goals which the coaches were unwilling to work with out of their own personal concerns and image. While many of these anxiety producing idea were self developed, the coaches certainly played a role in feeding my doubts about myself and my abilities. It was during these years that I needed, not less hours in the gym, but a coach willing to listen to what I wanted and a develop a plan that would have been satisfactory to all parties, to calm my fears of inadequacy and feeling like a burden on the gym and coaches, and help relieve the pressure I was placing on myself to achieve goals with no support from coaches.
Kids like myself are out there, and their needs should also be accounted for in this type of discussion.

Thank you so much coachmolly for bringing in another perspective! Yes, you are right...these teens are all individuals all coming to their own at different times. Even if they have been raised in a supportive & well balanced family environment other factors can come into play. I have witnessed girls going through what you speak of...feeling like their coaches have given up on them...that they are "old for their level" or they are an embarassment to the team/coach. Shame on ANY coach or parent that lets these false ideas enter into a gymnast thought process!!! These type of girls are probably the strongest ones mentally!!! They chose to go in day after day because they WANT to do this, eventhough they aren't progressing as fast as the coaches want. They should be respected. But it seems like some coaches actually want to drive these girls away? There should be an acceptable(respected) placement for all girls who what to spend their time enjoying this sport.

As Aussie coach listed above, teens have so many options of what they could be doing with their "free time". What about the gymnast who has truly developed a love of the sport, but feels she is being forced out of the sport due to other reasons? Because she isn't fitting into the JO timeline. Not all gymnasts plan on going to the Olympics or even doing gymnastics in college. Can't those gymnasts still be encouraged to be all they can be?(sorry borrowed that from an Army commercial).

So if we have a teen gymnast that has shown she has chosen to commit herself to this sport. Putting in the hours of dedication & hard work, but may be struggling to come back from injury or fighting fears. She has shown she has respect for the sport & her coaches. She shows up everyday ready to practice & do what she loves & what she can. Why then to do some coaches give up these girls who haven't given up on themselves??? Yes, coachmolly you are correct. Unfortunately I believe this is why far too many girls leave the sport. I've seen it 1st hand on at least 5 accounts. Maybe we need to make this a spin off thread on this angle of the topic?

In an effort to keep this thread on point. I think rbw is looking for ways to navigate the teen years for a higher level who is in a good place at this point. Sounds like you are already doing a good job rbw! In addition to what others have said, I would just offer...let it continue to be her sport. Don't let anyone push her into something she doesn't want to do whole heartedly(ie: bigger skills just for higher SV, moving up only to struggle, going elite, etc). Even just feeling those "expectations" on her can be overly stressful & derail her(I've seen that happen). Keep a constant eye on the BIG picture(what is going on at academically & socially) at any given point. And give her a "pressure release valve" when she needs one. Keep it as stressfree & enjoyable as it can be at the higher levels( I know that sounds like an oximoron). Getting to L9 before highschool is great but it's not a magic pill. There are ALWAYS new pressures from outside & inside the gym coming into play. Keep your lines of communication wide open on all fronts, between you as parents, your gymmie & her school & her coaches. Make sure she KNOWS she can be totally honest with you about how she feels about the sport(and anything else for that matter) without fear of negative repercussions. If she wants slow it down...repeat a level just to ease some stress especially in highschool. And yes, she may even decide to take a break or quit. I've seen both happen to a L9's & 10's in highschool. Let her be the guide...it is her life & she should be enjoying it every step of the way. JMHO. Good luck!!!

 

[gymdog]

Another resource that synthesized a lot of the existing research on girls in sports is the report from the President's Council on Physical Fitness. I particularly think this in important:

Petlichkoff (1996) placed sport withdrawal on a continuum, because many children who drop out of one sport often move on to try another sport or activity and are really “sport transfers” rather than sport dropouts.

Jump to section II "Psychological Dimensions" - that's page 49 of the PDF:
http://www.fitness.gov/girlssports.pdf

 

[Supportive_Dad]

These are wonderful, insightful posts. Thanks.

My DD's gym announced this week that starting in September the optional gymnasts will no longer practice on Friday Nights. (was M/W/F/Sat) I think its great to give those girls grades 8 and older that social night off. Guess they'll add some extra hours elsewhere. Great pre-emptive strike by the coach.

 

[bogwoppit]

Having just gone through my gymmie coming to the end of her gym career I have enjoyed reading this thread, thanks RBW.

When my then 13 year old told me a year ago that she wanted to stop gym as it just wasn't fun anymore I was a bit shocked. Though not really surprised. She had struggled with endless injuries, and each time had to stop gym, do physio and then return and play the catch up game. Our gym is not set up to deal with kids who cannot train in their regular groups, too small a space and not enough equipment. She was tired of falling behind and tired of working the same skills over and over.

When she told me she wanted to stop I asked her to continue to the end of the season as her team needed her to qualify to our States. She did, she worked hard and tried her best. Oddly enough this is all at the same time as her chronic back pain became permanent and therefore each week she had to do less and less, as we do not believe in training through pain. BY the time states came around she could not vault or do floor, but was able to do bars, tramp and beam. That was the last time she did WAG. She didn't do it for social reasons, we live in a field in the middle of nowhere and she certainly hasn't been out more with friends. Her grades are great, still and she is happy.

She tried to do competitive tramp this September, but then in November, after much waiting for tests and DOC visits, she was diagnosed with spondylolysis and spondylolysthesis. This has pretty much ended all activities for here, and that has been hard for her to deal with.

Her coach has been amazing all the way along, same coach she has had since she was 3, and has tried to find ways to help her stay in the gym and active. In fact I couldn't have asked for more. DD and I talked a lot about her stopping, it wasn't quitting, she had just come to the place where she was finished with the sport. It was fine, and it still is fine.

Girls between 13- 15 are very special, they are changin so much and hormonally they have a lot to deal with. My DD is not into boys yet, she is not a mall rat or a party girl. But she is totally happy with her choice and has never looked back and wished she was still in the gy.

My only advice is to listen to your kids, try to adjust schedules, involve your coaches in decisions and try to modify life as much as possible in order to help your teen through these challanging years.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

sorry to hear about the "thesis" bog.

 

[bpatient]

I've learned something from each of the responses here, including that this topic may be related less to quitting than to moving on. Thanks to you all.

I was surprised when the father of a very talented advanced young gymnast wrote a few weeks ago: "I never thought that I would have to entertain the possibility, but my daughter told me that she wanted to quit gymnastics." I've long understood that dd would someday move on--I just haven't been able to guess when that might happen. Apparently thirteen of fourteen would have been a good bet, but we'll see.

 

[Panda-girl's Mom]

I do think the feelings of wanting to quit may start at younger than 13. My 10 year old who is in 5th grade started to have this early this year. I think a big part of it is a lot of her friends have left the gym both in addition to the teenagers many of then were 10 and 11 year olds. Like Dunno pointed out wdaughter would hang out with these girls and they were able to arrange their schedules around gym practice like sleepovers and parties hanging out at open gym going to the shore after practice on the weekends . The problem was when most of them quit my daughter felt like she was missing her socail circle it was hard to plan things with other kids because there schedules were so different. Shealso was given a hard time and peer pressure from her school friends who wanted her to quit gymnastics. Luckily she is pretty independent and did not subcome to pressure. I let her do other activities such as swimming and volleyball with her school friends and worked her gym schedule around this where she would occasionally miss a practice or come to gym late. I was honest with her head coach and luckily she was supportive knowing the situation. She is starting to get friendly with new girls on her team but she still becomes anxious when she suspects any of them are on the brink of quitting. She gets upset if they miss a practice or if they are having trouble or if they talk about quitting. It is hard she is in a small gym and only has 1 other girl in her level, I think she loves the sport but she is just a socail child who likes having friends. She has resorted into making friend with girls from other clubs who she competes againest. If we were not both so happy with her current gym I would look for a new gym with more teammates.

 

[Granny Smith]

My dd is 14 and a freshman in HS, regular brick & mortar HS. She is also a level 9 gymnast. It's always very hard for me to give any advice in regards to the quitting threads because in all of the years of her doing gymnastics neither she or I (to her) have ever uttered the word "quit." She did a second year of L8 last season and boy was she going to rock it and she was. Then on January 19, 2010 she broke her 5th metatarsal, turned out to be a Jones' Fracture. She was out for 4 months, she missed the remainder of the L8 season. It was tough. She still went to gym everyday, she worked bars and conditioning. Still, she never mentioned the word quit. I would always say to her, "what doesn't break us, makes us stronger!" I think the toughest day was when the HC brought in a judge right before States to judge the Optionals girls routines. I remember she said to me, I wish I could show the judge what I can do. She was left to do a lot of stuff on her own. She would go off and do strap bar on her own and no coach would look her way. In those 4 months I learned a lot of stuff that I would never of learned unless she was hurt. I learned her gym was not the end all, be all. I learned that coaches will drop your kid like a hot potato once the injury occurs. I learned that coaches truly don't understand injury, especially if it is a slow healing, lingering type one - they get brakes and that they normally heal in 4-6 weeks, but beyond that they are clueless. I learned that when they start to come back that if you do not watch your kid like a hawk that coaches will always take a mile, when they are given an inch. I also learned (and this is the most important) that when they take that mile and I stand up and hold my ground and tell them "they will not break my child" EVER - that I can get them to listen. So as you can see, my dd had the perfect out and never once took it. She didn't even think about it, the focus was to come back.

She has her own aspirations of getting a college scholarship for gymnastics. I think that is wonderful and do my best to help out however I can. Most importantly, I tell her to focus on her grades, telling her how important her freshman year is. I tell her to aspire for an academic scholarship and rely on an athletic secondly.

As far as being a teenager, I strive for balance between gym and social life. Most of her social activities still happen with gym friends, thankfully she has a large team (there are easily 20+ level 9s & 10s and many are in the 8th-10th grade age.) She has a big semi-formal dance at school coming up, turns out it's the same day as a meet that is out of town. Wow, this is a tough one. We are waiting for the report time for meet and will address our plan once that becomes available. If the report time is early enough after the meet, I am willing to drive all the way home for her to go to the dance. Now I said she won't be able to have the "up-do" and all the other fancy things that the other girls will have, but those girls won't be competing in a gymnastics meet in another state the same day. She understood, she said she would do her own hair. Of course, this meet also has event finals, so if by the grace of God she were to make event finals, we would have to turn around the next day and drive back down to the meet. I am willing to do this because, that's the balance. When they have to miss things for gym, they will come to resent gym. If it's possible to do it all, I try to make it work. She also understands that if the report time is too late in the day, the dance just won't be able to happen. It will be tough, but she will get to hang out with her gym friends and I'm sure she will forget all about the dance (until Monday morning when she goes back to school and everyone is talking about it.)

She missed most of the football games this Fall, but her cousins wrestle for the school and there are quite a few wrestling matches that fall on Wednesday nights (the one night she doesn't have practice), so as long as all her homework is done, we will be going to the upcoming Wednesday night matches (the next 5 Wednesdays.) Again, I'm striving for balance.

Good luck with your dd, it's not an easy path to travel down, it is lot of work, but can be a lot of fun too!

 

[MaryA]

Granny Smith... Well said. It is clear that you have an exceptional DD and that she has an exceptional mom!

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

Great post Granny Smith! I think your DD is extremely focused and KNOWS what she wants. Also, as you mentioned as well, you try to keep balance in her life so she doesn't come to resent gym. I think that is sooooo important in these crazy teen years!