Is my daughter ready to quit?

[momtogymgirl]

If she truly loves gymnastics, it won't matter to her what level she competes; what will be important for her is that she is competing the sport she loves She should be concerned about doing HER best gymnastics, and if she's meant to be a level 6 again, then she's meant to be a level 6 again.

She says she does not mind waiting a year to do level 7. However, she does not want to go back to only relearning level 6 skills. She says she wants to keep learning new skills.

After weighing all that, if you find she does still love gym, do not discount the possibility that her present coaches are no longer meeting her needs. I do not want to encourage gym hopping . . [but] if that is truly how your daughter is being treated, it might be time to pursue level 6 in another gym. The problem with that of course is that you don't want to teach your daughter to run away from struggles or shop around until she finds someone who gives her the answer she wants to hear.

She is feeling ambivalent about gymnastics in general. I am not worried about teaching her to stick with her commitments. She has worked with difficult coaches before. The difference this time is she sees no escape in her future. This is the coach she would have to work with until one of them decides to leave the gym.

 

[gymdog]

I was told that in their experience when a girl quits there is more going on than a mean coach.

Sometimes. Not always. I've seen it happen. In our case it was pretty sad because the girl was pretty talented with potential, relatively young, already in L9 at the time. This coach was not good for the whole group but somehow (i'm not sure how...it was partially a misunderstood situation early on) she became his target and he just made life miserable for her. It didn't take long until her mom just pulled her (at that point they didn't really have another gym to go to) and I absolutely agree with that decision in retrospect and would have made the same one. Looking back as an adult the situation was really mishandled and really not okay.

This is to say that "quitting" is complex but I think it's a cop out for adults to act like they can never be the whole problem. Sometimes, in fact, they can. Losing sight of that isn't good to me...to me it almost implies some level of delusion with yourself and the job you're doing (which is pretty inter-personal on a fundamental level).

I do generally give people the benefit of the doubt because things can be emotional for kids when they hit a certain age and it can just be rough all around. But honestly I'll stand behind everything I've said so far because I have seen plenty of just mind boggling behavior before from "adults" in this sport. I've seen kids become targets and I've seen relationships between certain kids and certain coaches become "toxic" for lack of a better phrase. And I think it's hard to overcome. if it was a matter of a coach they might be with temporarily, maybe, but if this is going to be the same coach for the rest of her optional career and she's hearing about how "disgusting" she is? Yeah, move on. This is not a good place to be now. I'd at least be seriously concerned and watching how the situation progresses closely.

 

[gymch34]

I think you KNOW the answer. The coaching relationship is not working at your current gym, and your daughter is not ready for Level 7. If she wants to stay in USAG, she should repeat L6 and get her skills solidly and have a great season next year. If she really doesnt want to go that route, the gym w/ the AAU team seems like the answer.
I think if presented in the right way, your DD will accept the fact she needs more time at L6 and when next years competition season rolls around she will be happy because she will be successful.

 

[coachmolly]

I was told that in their experience when a girl quits there is more going on than a mean coach.
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Well, there could be other factors, but how many of those is the coach responsible for? Being targeted by a coach can lead to whole array of other problems- nerves, embarrassment, discomfort around teammates, unwillingness to try new skills, the list goes on. It's very possible that other things are going on, but never underestimate the influence of the coach. They really can suck the love of the sport out of a child.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Is my daughter ready to quit? Is she just mad, is this a little bump that she should be pushed through, or is it time to move on? She is almost 10-years-old. She just finished her level 6 season in November. At the end of the season she was very happy. The following month she spent enjoying experimenting with level 7 skills. Everything was good. But then some time after that, she started struggling more than the rest of her team mates. She was afraid to move her layout to the floor. Her coach got mad and told her to go back to the trampoline and left her while everyone else was on the floor. She struggled connecting the clear hip to a fly away. Her coach teaches the skill by having the girls try the skill, but just over a pit instead of the floor. The rest of her team figured it out. She worried too much about what would happen if she let go too late. Her coach got mad and called her a chicken. A few practices later he told her she gets her skills later than everyone else, that he is disgusted by her and that she should be ashamed. Still later when she would not let go he told her to warm up her level 6 bars instead. When she tried to continue working on her seven skills, he told her to take of her grips and go condition for the rest of bars. She also only does her back hand spring on the low beam.
By the end of December, she was the farthest from getting her skills so the coaches started ignoring her. Well, my daughter says they were ignoring her. One of her coaches said that they have been concentrating on the girls who were so close to getting their skills and that she hopes my dd can hold out because she has not forgotten about her. The head coach made the decision that a gymnast does not get her optional routine until all skills on an event are competition ready. All the other girls got their routines. My dd has spent the month sitting out during routine times to watch her teammates. Everyone else will compete this spring. They will then start training level 8. As per our head coaches decision she has to repeat level 6. (Anyone who does not compete level 7 at state will repeat level 6)
Sorry this is so long. Thank you for any insights.

if the above was really told to your child...buy the coach some medication and pay for his therapy. then tell him to find another career.

 

[gymnut1]

This is to say that "quitting" is complex but I think it's a cop out for adults to act like they can never be the whole problem. Sometimes, in fact, they can. Losing sight of that isn't good to me...to me it almost implies some level of delusion with yourself and the job you're doing (which is pretty inter-personal on a fundamental level).

quote]

Oh well said
Speaking with my school teacher hat on there is very much a 'look to yourself and your teaching' in schools. When things don't work try to find out what you could have done better and try again. I do not see this attitude as a coach in the gym much. Certainly not enough. Too much blaming the child goes on. It is their fault they don't work, too scared, dont have a skill etc.

I am hugely impressed with your access to a sports psychologist and how she managed to ellicit such clear answers from your dd. As a mom that would have taken weeks! The fact that your dd does not want to let another team down by starting and quitting shows she has a sense of responsibility and understands commitment. Despite her own struggles she is still a team player. I would take her out and treat her for that. The conditioning group and breathing space sounds like a possibility. Or the AAU team for a year and then head back into USAG if she wants and has the skills. Good luck.

 

[momtogymgirl]

I am hugely impressed with your access to a sports psychologist and how she managed to ellicit such clear answers from your dd. As a mom that would have taken weeks!

The sports psychologist is amazing. She has been working with the team for about two years. She watches some practices, goes to home meets, and she meets with the girls regularly. When there are tiffs between the girls she brings out her team building games to help them see how important each is to the group. She helps them translate what the coaches say into what they mean. She helps them with creating goals for themselves.

She was a gymnastics coach in her past life, so she has a lot of insights to share. I know she does not agree with everything that goes on in the gym but does not want to cross the line that may make her unwelcome there. Originally, the plans were that she would work with the girls, the parents, and the coaches. She definitely talks to the parents, but informally. I don’t think she has ever talked to the coaches. (Well, once she did to warn them that she has instructed the girls to ask for clarification if they do not understand instructions or corrections. She talked to them because she knew some of the girls have gotten into trouble for asking for clarification, because they were perceived as not paying attention the first time.) Without the opportunity to work with the coaches, she basically bandages the girls emotional injuries and sends them back onto the floor. Still, we have been very thankful that she works with the girls.

 

[thnkGd4kds]

The fact that the sports psychologist hasn't been able to work effectively with the coach was a huge red flag. That gym is lucky to have her; good coaches would've used her more. I'm so glad, though, that she was able to take that time to work with your dd for that time and provide insight.

I think that what you said about the other usag gym and how they are tough but caring is crucial; it makes a huge difference to have a strict but caring coach versus an abusive one, which is, unfortunately, what your daughter just endured. Thank God that you are sensitive and that she didn't have to endure that treatment for long. The very fact that you pulled her out, sent her to the sports psychologist, and continue to dialogue about the situation with her clearly communicates to her that she is valuable and that she should not put up with people treating her in that way. Good for you! I'm positive that, with your help and care, she will reach a conclusion that is will help her be healthy and happy! I do admit, though, that I'd love to see her in gymnastics somehow, since I think she still likes it, and I'd hate to have her last experience with gymnastics be this one. However, whatever she decides will be fine!

 

[momtogymgirl]

Again, thank you for all your input. You have given me a lot to think about and validated my beliefs that she was not in a good place. After much contemplation, I began to wonder if conditioning in the current gym would be comfortable for my daughter. When asked she insisted it would be okay, but I was not convinced. I then asked if she would prefer to condition in a different gym. She said yes, but did not think it would be possible. Yesterday, I went to the strong USAG program and talked to the owner. He wanted to know why we were unhappy with current gym. I told him about what coach was saying to her. I did not have to talk long. This “meanâ€￾ coach had at one time worked for him and he said he knew all about the way he treated some gymnasts. He went on to say he does not understand girls changing gyms, but in this case we have a good reason. He will be talking to our gym’s head coach this weekend about our dd. I told him that currently my daughter is ambivalent about doing gymnastics and just wants to condition. He said she would come right back to gymnastics in his gym. If she gets to start there, I hope she will give it a chance, because right now all she will talk about doing is conditioning. He will call next week about the possibility of her starting there.