jealousy (between siblings)

[sjm2b3]

I would love any opinions or advice on this. I am hopefully not the only one who deals with this.

My DD and DS are 20 months apart and are both in gymnastics. DS competed level 4 last year and is competing level 5 this year (finishing this week). DD will attempt to compete level 4 in the fall, as she just turned 6.

The two of them are incredibly competitive. My DD is generally more encouraging of DS and proud of him when he gets skills (usually). DS gets jealous, so bad it can end up with tears when DD learns a skill that he can't do (for example, a back walkover). This is improving over time as we have told him no gymnastics if it continues. During the meet season, DD cheers DS on during the competitions and is excited and wants to attend the meets. However, afterwards she is often grumpy and during /after her practices following his meets she often cries, says she is no good, whines, and just often gives up. I should mention that DD is the more outgoing of the two and is often the one people give attention to outside of gymnastics, so I think she just really struggles with the shift in attention. I think she just is jealous that he gets to do meets too as she's been in a preteam program for 2 years while he gets to show off!

Here's what we have tried.....really explaining that boys and girls NEVER compete against each other in gymnastics. Over and over. Complimenting DD on how she cheers on DS. Trying to give her more compliments on her practices during meet season.

Thoughts? It was bad last year but this last week has been so bad I can't take it the grumpiness and whining from her. We'll see how practice goes for her tonight, maybe it will be better. I suppose this is just sibling rivalry and we just need to wait it out, but DD is going to drive me insane with whining.

 

[wallinbl]

You've got to understand the 'why' to fix the behavior. Something is causing them to have feelings that they're not handling well. Understand why they're feeling that way, then tell them how to better manage that feeling. It sounds simple, but I see a lot of parents trying to stop a behavior without really understanding what caused the behavior. Please don't think I'm assuming anything about you by saying that.

One other note - many times kids exhibit some behavior that one of the parents also has, but in a more exaggerated, less controlled way (more immature). If these behaviors are representative of yourself or your spouse in some way, have that parent reflect on how they've learned to handle it themselves.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

kids, regardless of blood, have to understand that they are in the same sport and of the same thread. and that gymnasts' are a different breed of athlete with identical issues which include learning, failure and success. gymnastics is the most difficult endeavor that a child can participate in. they must mutually understand this and that their unfailing support of each other will make them both better athletes.

 

[MaryA]

I have twins, one who is a gymnast and the other who takes dance, art, etc. It can be hard because dancing DD gets her once-a-year recital and gymnast DD gets half a dozen or more meets that come with gift bags and medals and trophies. Plus my dancer is only at the studio 5 hours a week vs the 15 (soon to be more) hours the other spends in the gym, and I think she really misses having her sister around more. I don't have any good suggestions for you other than to make sure that each of them knows that you think they're terrific and unique, both as gymnasts and as kids. Some things can be enforced (we are a family and you cheer for your brother/sister whether you feel like it or not) but otherwise I guess you just muddle along and do your best. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I'm not screwing my kids up too badly!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

like the rest of us ^^^^^^^^^^^^^lol..."muddle along"...hoping not to screw them up...hahahahaha! good one!

 

[All Chalked Up]

Try competing against your twin sister who happens to be in the same level as you

Our parents thing is if we aren't supportive of each other, the non-supportive child is out of gymnastics. Harsh but hey, it works!

 

[MaryA]

Try competing against your twin sister who happens to be in the same level as you

Our parents thing is if we aren't supportive of each other, the non-supportive child is out of gymnastics. Harsh but hey, it works!

There have been times when I thought it might have been easier if my twins were in the same activity (trying gymnastics was actually the idea of the one who didn't stick with it!), but I don't know how they would have dealt with the competitiveness. Besides, I don't think we could afford two gymnasts!

 

[kimskids]

Well my older daughter is old enough to complain about how much gymnastics costs and complains that I spend more money on her sister! LOL! She is at the age where it is all about her and she thinks I always treat everyone else better than her. I remember those years so I don't take it too personally!! She is 13! Hopefully the rivalry will die down when they get a little older. My oldest 2 are also 20 months apart and fought a lot while they were younger. They are now 13 and 15 and are much better.....

 

[sjm2b3]

Thanks everyone. I think it will be easier if and when they are both on the team. It has made me aware of the need to give my son more attention, period....he is the quieter of the two that just doesn't draw as much attention to him but he has loved performing at the meets.

Again thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.

 

[Gymmonkeymomma]

I have boy/girl twins in different sports, they are not really competitive against each other with the exception of who gets to choose dinner if they have a meet and game on the same day! They ask about each other's game/meet, with my son being the more supportive/up interested one.

The rivalry we had was between my 2 girls when thy were both gymnasts. Older DD (3.5 years difference) struggled with optional skills during the year that things started to click for Little Monkey. Being an emotional teen and having all the attention focused on little sister (by others, not by us), was the cause of many meltdowns. There might eventually have been a point where they were in the same level, had big DD not quit. we kept telling big dd that her skills and routines were so much harder which is why little monkey was getting higher scores, etc. LM was having a hard time understanding why her sister was not happy for her. It was an ugly time

No real answers here except to keep reassuring both that they are doing their best and they hold focus on having fun at what hey are learning.

 

[txgymfan]

My only suggestion is to find ways to help them deal with their issues now. Do NOT assume that jealousy/rivalry will go away on its own. I wish my parents had helped me and my sister deal with issues as kids because as adults we still sturggle with our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I know she loves me but I wish we could be so much closer.

 

[MaryA]

My only suggestion is to find ways to help them deal with their issues now. Do NOT assume that jealousy/rivalry will go away on its own. I wish my parents had helped me and my sister deal with issues as kids because as adults we still sturggle with our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I know she loves me but I wish we could be so much closer.

Not sure how to fix this, beyond just doing your best to make both kids feel special and loved. Can you "force" closeness? My brother and I fought as kids, and while I love him dearly and know we will always be there for each other, I'm still not sure you'd call us close... And probably for the same reason as when we were kids... We just have very little in common. Back then it was more "playing legos versus going shopping" and now it's more "voting republican vs voting democrat" and "public school vs home school" but it still boils down to not much to say to each other after "how's work?" or "how are the kids?"

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

Try competing against your twin sister who happens to be in the same level as you

Our parents thing is if we aren't supportive of each other, the non-supportive child is out of gymnastics. Harsh but hey, it works!

Is your twin on here?

And I couldn't imagine.

 

[Mag_7_Fan96]

My only suggestion is to find ways to help them deal with their issues now. Do NOT assume that jealousy/rivalry will go away on its own. I wish my parents had helped me and my sister deal with issues as kids because as adults we still sturggle with our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I know she loves me but I wish we could be so much closer.

I totally agree with you. My uncles are both in their 40's or so and to this day are still rivals. Both still think the other got more attention or was the "favorite" and both still can't have a conversation without bringing up the past and getting into a huge argument. I think they have spoken to each other a total of 3 or 4 times in the last 5 to 10 years! Definetly fix the problem now while you still can.

 

[gymgurl]

I can kind of relate but its not with gym, me and my sister (who is 5 years younger than me) are very competitive against each other. Life is a competition for us particularly with marks for example I am now top of 2 biology and italian, second in chemistry and doing very well in maths and improving greatly in english so to put it shortly, I am quite academic. Unfortunately, my sister has not been doing so great in her first year of high school and then sees my results and the attention that I get for them and gets upset that she can't attain them. At the moment we try to encourage her by saying that I wasn't always smart (in first year high school i was getting Bs Cs and a few As but generally not super smart) We also emphasise her other achievements such as her drama and singing performances where she outshines me big time, i think the key to trying to stop the competitive edge is emphasising all achievements and not making any seem bigger than anything else e.g. academics over drama for instance. There is still competitiveness but its a bit more hidden now

 

[momofthreegirls]

I am dealing with jealousy and competition between my DDs right now. They are almost 3 years apart, and both are gymnasts. Middle DD is catching up to oldest DD, and it's crazy at my house sometimes. They have handstand contests, and headstand contests, chin-up contests, and strength contests... it's great extra conditioning , but they are SO competitive. I have to remind them about good sportsmanship because the winner tends to brag and gloat. They also can be sweet and encouraging to one another, and I praise them when that occurs.

There's a chance they may end up competing L4 together next year (oldest DD still needs her kip) and that will be tough, since my oldest will likely win a lot of awards, and my little one will most likely not.