Parents Let her retire mid season?

[WingingIt]

After a long break from gymnastics, my daughter is competing again this year. It's what she wanted... Or so she thought. After getting a lot of push back about going to practice, we settled on this being her last season. I won't lie, I was sad but we've lived without gymnastics before and I know there's a whole world of stuff out there for her to try.

Well today, she told me she doesn't want to finish the season. I wasn't prepared for this. She just had a whole week off and was in tears about going to the gym today. I let her have the day but told her that she should at least wait until she goes to practice again before making a decision she can't undo.

She thinks she wants to do one more meet, or 2. (we have 4) Unfortunately the AAU seasons (we do both) is just so long and she's not thinking she wants to push through until the last week in June.

When we went back to the gym last year, I never imagined it would end this way. I don't even know what I'm looking for here. I'm just sad and confused but I don't really want to put that on my kid.

 

[TheXcelMom]

I don't know anything about AAU...but if she's doing that along with USAG... that sounds like a lot?
Can she do just one and not the other?

 

[WingingIt]

I don't know anything about AAU...but if she's doing that along with USAG... that sounds like a lot?
Can she do just one and not the other?

No. It's just a different league. She had a total of 8 meets on the schedule. 4 USAG and 4 AAU. She only has one USAG one left.

 

[TheXcelMom]

That seems like a lot, though I don't know how that compares with everyone else here.
Does that include state and regional comps?
For us, it's usually 4/5+state+ regional if you're in the top 30%. So, 7 at the most in USAG (for us) and it's a lot.
I guess my point is that she might be burned out on so many. Reducing might relieve some pressure.

 

[WingingIt]

That seems like a lot, though I don't know how that compares with everyone else here.
Does that include state and regional comps?
For us, it's usually 4/5+state+ regional if you're in the top 30%. So, 7 at the most in USAG (for us) and it's a lot.
I guess my point is that she might be burned out on so many. Reducing might relieve some pressure.

Yes, that includes everything. There's no option for reducing meets. It's so much the meets she struggles with but the long and frequent practices.

 

[AYEMama]

Doing both USAG and AAU does sound like a lot...

My thing has always been to see through a commitment. Yes, even if they really want to stop immediately. For me, this is bigger than gymnastics. It's a life lesson... that we don't just bail out and quit. We see through the season, an assignment, a job, a project, a promise, etc... However, if there's a way to make it to the end of the season more pleasantly, I would do that. For example, if she's practicing 4 hours every day, maybe pulling her out after 3. Or maybe going to practice 3 or 4 days out of the week, instead of 5. Just to make it to the end of the season.

This sport is hard. It's a lot of hours and dedication. If your heart isn't in it 100%, it's difficult to push through. I would acknowledge that, but also talk about what it means to make a commitment.

At the end of the day, you know your gymnast the best. I said all of the above stuff, but at the end of the day, as a mom, if I see her just so unhappy and crumbling, I might cave.

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

I would speak with the coaches, if they want her to stick around for the championship event - perhaps they will be willing to make some adjustments so she can finish the season happily.
Personally for these kids, I have tried to balance having fun in the gym doing upgrades new skills (out of the box) along with perfecting routines so the results are also something memorable for them.
Equally if the coaches are not accommodating and don't take the news well - your child was ready to walk away anyway.

 

[Mish]

"My thing has always been to see through a commitment. Yes, even if they really want to stop immediately. For me, this is bigger than gymnastics. It's a life lesson... that we don't just bail out and quit."

Not necessarily. This can have dangerous and detrimental results, especially at the higher levels. For so many reasons. If you are not fully committed there is an increased risk of injury. You will not be practicing with your heart in it, likely resulting in poor outcomes. You will become resentful of the time spent in something you do not want to continue doing, and limiting the time and attention you could be giving something else. Why would we teach kids to stay in something that no longer brings joy, could lead to injuries, and limits involvement in other activities? This is not their career, and for most, is not leading to high level/elite gymnastics. It is a kids' sport, and not really a team sport, at that.
My daughter recently retired training level 9 because it brought more sadness and pain, than joy. Now it wasn't midseason, but I would have let her do that if she wanted. A few days ago she said something that made me sad, that she probably stayed two years longer than she should have (even though she was doing pretty well, had good placement at regionals, etc.). When I asked her why she said that it's hard for kids to quit because it's all they've ever known. So when they talk about quitting, or show those types of behaviors, I'm sure it's something that has been weighing on them for a long time. Honestly once they show those behaviors in the gym, I think it is their way of saying it without having to actually voice it.
Now if it is just quitting on a bad day or out of whimsy, I would address that accordingly, but honestly these kids have given up most of their childhood for this sport, they should have the dignity to be able to leave when they want and on their own terms.
Wow, sorry that was long but wanted to give the perspective of why teaching them to "stick with it" may not always be the appropriate course.

 

[AYEMama]

"My thing has always been to see through a commitment. Yes, even if they really want to stop immediately. For me, this is bigger than gymnastics. It's a life lesson... that we don't just bail out and quit."

Not necessarily. This can have dangerous and detrimental results, especially at the higher levels. For so many reasons. If you are not fully committed there is an increased risk of injury. You will not be practicing with your heart in it, likely resulting in poor outcomes. You will become resentful of the time spent in something you do not want to continue doing, and limiting the time and attention you could be giving something else. Why would we teach kids to stay in something that no longer brings joy, could lead to injuries, and limits involvement in other activities? This is not their career, and for most, is not leading to high level/elite gymnastics. It is a kids' sport, and not really a team sport, at that.
My daughter recently retired training level 9 because it brought more sadness and pain, than joy. Now it wasn't midseason, but I would have let her do that if she wanted. A few days ago she said something that made me sad, that she probably stayed two years longer than she should have (even though she was doing pretty well, had good placement at regionals, etc.). When I asked her why she said that it's hard for kids to quit because it's all they've ever known. So when they talk about quitting, or show those types of behaviors, I'm sure it's something that has been weighing on them for a long time. Honestly once they show those behaviors in the gym, I think it is their way of saying it without having to actually voice it.
Now if it is just quitting on a bad day or out of whimsy, I would address that accordingly, but honestly these kids have given up most of their childhood for this sport, they should have the dignity to be able to leave when they want and on their own terms.
Wow, sorry that was long but wanted to give the perspective of why teaching them to "stick with it" may not always be the appropriate course.

Yes, that's why I said what I said at the end of my reply: "...you know your gymnast the best. I said all of the above stuff, but at the end of the day, as a mom, if I see her just so unhappy and crumbling, I might cave."

And the "my thing has always been to see through a commitment" was in general, not just specific to gymnastics. For me, an honest conversation needs to be happen and really listen to what they're saying, instead of letting the kids quit something right away, like you said perhaps from a "bad day or on a whimsy". I don't think your perspective is wrong, but I also don't think I'm wrong, either.

 

[Mish]

Right, I never said you were wrong, I said "not necessarily and here's my perspective". Just was offering some insight to the OP

 

[JBS]

Well today, she told me she doesn't want to finish the season.

This is just a parenting decision. Gymnastics is a tough one because many don't ever present it to the child as "this is the next season... you have to finish the season if you start". Many times it just turns into this never ending life rhythm. If it was presented as a new season that must be finished... then I would probably stick with it if it was my own kid.

The other thing I would consider is another activity. If my kid had an activity that started before gymnastics was over and they really didn't want to do gymnastics anymore... then I would consider being finished when the new activity started too.

 

[TheXcelMom]

These are definitely parenting decisions. I like hearing different views on how to do it. When my daughter got the yips at comp, I told her I didn't know how to handle it. There's no instruction manual. She had this huge realization that, like her, I was just out here doing my best.

We give our daughter two opportunities per year to quit. At the beginning of summer, after comp season, and after summer, as the team comes together and starts training. After that, barring injury, you should be there for your team.
And if she quits, she has to do something else to get outside and/or exercise. BSA (scouts) and ju jitsu are a couple she's considered. What she really wants to do is sit at home and watch YouTube, which isn't going to work out

 

[NutterButter]

I normally would say have her honor her commitment and finish out the season however competing in 2 different organizations seems excessive, especially since the AAU doesn't finish until late June. That's a long time still to be miserable! I'd probably lean towards having her finish out USAG and be done with it. Does your gym switch to different hours for summer? If so, when does that start? I'm asking because it's odd that your gym competes in two organizations. Most USAG gyms do level changes and/or hours changes after the JO season ends or the end of the school year. Having a change at the end of the school year makes for a nice transition in the gym too regarding working new skills, training a new level, etc. The JO season alone starts to feel long by State and then you throw in Regionals and beyond and kids are usually ready for a change of pace by April/May. So all that to say....I lean towards Team Quit.

 

[WingingIt]

I would speak with the coaches, if they want her to stick around for the championship event - perhaps they will be willing to make some adjustments so she can finish the season happily.
Personally for these kids, I have tried to balance having fun in the gym doing upgrades new skills (out of the box) along with perfecting routines so the results are also something memorable for them.
Equally if the coaches are not accommodating and don't take the news well - your child was ready to walk away anyway.

Unfortunately, I know them well enough that talking to them will not likely help too much at this point. At least they don't complain much about absences, which allows me to give her days off when she needs them or when there's something going on she doesn't want to miss.

 

[WingingIt]

I normally would say have her honor her commitment and finish out the season however competing in 2 different organizations seems excessive, especially since the AAU doesn't finish until late June. That's a long time still to be miserable! I'd probably lean towards having her finish out USAG and be done with it. Does your gym switch to different hours for summer? If so, when does that start? I'm asking because it's odd that your gym competes in two organizations. Most USAG gyms do level changes and/or hours changes after the JO season ends or the end of the school year. Having a change at the end of the school year makes for a nice transition in the gym too regarding working new skills, training a new level, etc. The JO season alone starts to feel long by State and then you throw in Regionals and beyond and kids are usually ready for a change of pace by April/May. So all that to say....I lean towards Team Quit.

This exactly where I'm leaning.

 

[WingingIt]

This has been going on since November. She says it's too much. Too many hours, too many days a week and too many meets. I think she just wants to be free to be a kid for the rest of her childhood. My first reaction was that she had to finish out her commitment.... but as my husband stated yesterday "It's like we're paying all this money just for her to be miserable."

So I think we've come to a compromise that we can live with. She is going to stick it out until the end of May. That would get her through the USAG season and to AAU States (which she admits is her favorite meet). She will not go to AAU Nationals. I won't be informing her coaches until after AAU states. We happen to have a 2 week out of town thing right after that anyway so I'll talk to them then... let them get used to the idea and then have her come in, say goodbye and get her things. This also gives her the chance to choose to finish but @NutterButter was completely right with it being just SO long to be miserable.

With this compromise, we make a clean break.... spend 2 weeks at the beach and then enjoy the summer. I honestly see no reason to give up half the summer (our summer is June and July here) when she's this miserable. I'm still dreading the next 8 weeks of her feeling so awful but the meets are fun at least. I think with the timing I'll still have to pay through June, but it's okay. She is already making plans for what life after gymnastics looks like.

Thank you everyone for the insight. I'm still sad about how this is going down. In retrospect, we should have called it quits earlier.

 

[JBS]

This has been going on since November. She says it's too much. Too many hours, too many days a week and too many meets.

You should allow her to be finished. I use the 3 month rule all the time... the feeling hasn't changed in 3 months... then there you go.

 

[WingingIt]

You should allow her to be finished. I use the 3 month rule all the time... the feeling hasn't changed in 3 months... then there you go.

Currently she's good with our plan. She said she knows she wants to go to at least one more competition and she would prefer it be a "big" one. This allows her to have that experience she wants one last time without making her commit until early July.

 

[JessSyd]

My thing has always been to see through a commitment. Yes, even if they really want to stop immediately. For me, this is bigger than gymnastics. It's a life lesson... that we don't just bail out and quit.

There are lots of times in life where recognising that it is time to stop is smarter than seeing through a commitment, and this, too, can be an important life lesson. Sometimes it isn’t smart to continue something just because you said you would, even if it is to your detriment and nobody else’s benefit. This sort of attitude is why people throw good money after bad on poor investments, stay in bad relationships, continue working one way in a project even when new information comes to light that suggests a different path…. There is nothing wrong with teaching a kid to evaluate and respond to situations flexibly.

If the implications of her decision are overwhelmingly for her, why not let her make it? It is different, of course, if it means letting down teammates (eg, making competitions that they have committed to no longer possible). But that’s the alternative life lesson - who and what do we need to consider before we make this choice? Not ‘you said you will so you will even if it no longer makes sense’.

Of course it is different if a kid has a history of committing and then quickly backing out - then maybe some practice with follow through is not a bad idea. But this doesn’t sound like the case this time.

 

[WingingIt]

I would speak with the coaches, if they want her to stick around for the championship event - perhaps they will be willing to make some adjustments so she can finish the season happily.
Personally for these kids, I have tried to balance having fun in the gym doing upgrades new skills (out of the box) along with perfecting routines so the results are also something memorable for them.
Equally if the coaches are not accommodating and don't take the news well - your child was ready to walk away anyway.

I'm still not sure about talking the the coaches. There's one in particular who sometimes doesn't seem too mature (though she's older than me) and I worry she'll make snarky comments making it even worse. I would like her to follow through for at least the USAG season (3 more weeks).