Parents Mean Girls

[happychaos]

My gymmie is my oldest child, so I don't have much experience dealing with the "mean girls" out there. My DD is the youngest in her training group, but not by much. The other girls are 1-3 years older. Recently, almost every practice she comes home and complains that some of the girls are "mean" to her. The meanness includes things like ignoring, teasing (about hair style, or whatever else), or being pushed into the pit. Nothing serious or dangerous, but annoying and hurtful to my DD.

DD is a super sweet girl, and we have taught her to always be kind and nice to everyone, even if you don't like them. My DD goes to a very small private school, with only a handful of girls in her class, and they are all friendly, kind girls. DD has never really dealt with this before, but I realize this type of behavior is probably common at larger schools.

So what should I do? I have told her to ignore it and walk away, and had a talk with her about how there are always going to be mean people, so it's best to learn how to deal with them. I did tell her that if she is pushed, even into the pit, she needs to tell her coach. But, I would love other ideas, or examples from those of you who have dealt with this in the past. I do not feel that the meanness has crossed a line that I need to get the coach involved, but I want to empower my DD to handle this herself.

 

[iwannacoach]

You need to get the coach involved, and let your daughter follow up by talking to the coach about how these kids are treating her. These kids are under the coach's supervision and their behavior crossed the line the moment they began to have fun at your daughters expense.

Empowering your daughter is a neat concept if you do it right. I wonder if this is not the right time for life lessons. I'd say it's the moment you need to get between your child and the mean girls, because once your daughter pushes back (metaphorically) the whole thing will escalate. That's the greater likelihood unless the coach understands, from an adult conversation with you, exactly what is going on and what's at stake.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I'm new here so I apologize for not knowing, but how old is your dd? It makes a big difference in how I would tackle it, kwim? For my girls who are 9 and 12, I first would chat with them about the situation and try to figure out if somehow something they're doing could have rubbed the others the wrong way (intentionally or not....) Girls can be mean out of so many reasons, jealousy is huge, perhaps your dd is new in the group and they want to somehow put her in her place or are jealous she's moving up faster than they did? I know one of my older dds friends had a really hard time at school, turned out she was shy and not talkative which other girls interpreted as her being stuck up.... It can be Soo many things with girls!
I always tell my girls they don't have to get along with everyone but they do have to be polite and respectful to everyone, including people they don't like. If girls are being catty to them, I tell them that if "friends" do such and such, they're not really such good friends at all and they should spend their time more on other friends who truly care for them and its the other girls loss. When it comes to a team, it's slightly different because they have to work together, sometimes they spend more time with their teammates than with their own siblings!
Any way you can invite the whole team over for a team party? Make your dd the girl who brings in a special treat now and then, or invite people over for pool parties, or whatever. When my dd was new in her team, it really helped her bond with her new teammates when we invited them to her birthday party. It made her accepted much sooner and I felt like I got to know the girls a little outside the gym which also helped.
Girls can be tough, I hope you can figure out a way to make things easier for her and make them accept and like her!

 

[happychaos]

I'm new here so I apologize for not knowing, but how old is your dd? It makes a big difference in how I would tackle it, kwim? For my girls who are 9 and 12, I first would chat with them about the situation and try to figure out if somehow something they're doing could have rubbed the others the wrong way (intentionally or not....) Girls can be mean out of so many reasons, jealousy is huge, perhaps your dd is new in the group and they want to somehow put her in her place or are jealous she's moving up faster than they did? I know one of my older dds friends had a really hard time at school, turned out she was shy and not talkative which other girls interpreted as her being stuck up.... It can be Soo many things with girls!
I always tell my girls they don't have to get along with everyone but they do have to be polite and respectful to everyone, including people they don't like. If girls are being catty to them, I tell them that if "friends" do such and such, they're not really such good friends at all and they should spend their time more on other friends who truly care for them and its the other girls loss. When it comes to a team, it's slightly different because they have to work together, sometimes they spend more time with their teammates than with their own siblings!
Any way you can invite the whole team over for a team party? Make your dd the girl who brings in a special treat now and then, or invite people over for pool parties, or whatever. When my dd was new in her team, it really helped her bond with her new teammates when we invited them to her birthday party. It made her accepted much sooner and I felt like I got to know the girls a little outside the gym which also helped.
Girls can be tough, I hope you can figure out a way to make things easier for her and make them accept and like her!

Yes, she is new-ish. And she is also the only one in that group that moved up without repeating.... I don't know if that has something to do with it. I do actually have some little good luck trinkets for my DD to take in, so I will have to finish those up. I admit I am hesitant to have DD get together with the girls outside the gym. But I will think about it. I, of course , don't think the problem lies with DD or her personality. She has good friends from school, church, and her former gym, and she has always been well-liked and makes friends easily enough. I just don't know....

 

[happychaos]

You need to get the coach involved, and let your daughter follow up by talking to the coach about how these kids are treating her. These kids are under the coach's supervision and their behavior crossed the line the moment they began to have fun at your daughters expense.

Empowering your daughter is a neat concept if you do it right. I wonder if this is not the right time for life lessons. I'd say it's the moment you need to get between your child and the mean girls, because once your daughter pushes back (metaphorically) the whole thing will escalate. That's the greater likelihood unless the coach understands, from an adult conversation with you, exactly what is going on and what's at stake.

Thanks IWC. One thought I had is that these girls are just acting like 11-12 year old girls, and my DD isn't used to it because she's barely 9. I'm thinking maybe it's the difference between being in elementary school, and middle school? Not that that makes it okay. I will consider your advice. Thank you!

 

[Kiwi]

My DD goes to a very small private school, with only a handful of girls in her class, and they are all friendly, kind girls. ... I realize this type of behavior is probably common at larger schools ...
One thought I had is that these girls are just acting like 11-12 year old girls, and my DD isn't used to it because she's barely 9. I'm thinking maybe it's the difference between being in elementary school, and middle school?

I went to a very small private school (many years ago) and was treated like this by a group of mean girls. Ignoring, excluding and teasing are forms of bullying. And yes, these girls were 11-12 years old. I think it is more to do with the age group than the school.

 

[luvmygymdtr]

It would appear the problem is these girls have worked out together for a long time, and now your daughter, somewhat of an outsider, has joined them. They seem to treat her like a pesky little sister. This seems to be a reoccurring problem with gymnastics. If you have a talented little one then they get separated from their peers. Is there maybe a group of younger ones, more her age, she could join? It may be below her ability, but she might be happier in the long run.

 

[cbifoja]

It is very hard to watch your child have to take "meanness" but it is an unfortunate part of life. My DD is younger than all of her training mates and her appearance is even more striking. They are all mostly pre-teens/teens and mine still has her "boyish figure". Very much not curvy, no boobies, etc.

When she moved up to this new training group, no one would partner with her during conditioning unless the coach made them. Groups of girls would suddenly need to leave when she approached them in the gym. The worst part for me was during a handstand contest on the beam. One of our optionals always won the HS contests. However, my DD has a pretty good HS on beam as well and was now winning about half of the contests. On this particular day, all of the girls would cheer on this older girl and would clap and whoop whenever she won but there was complete silence when my DD won.

I could see the pain on my DD's face but to her credit she didn't throw the contest. I talked to the owner that day and told her that either something is done in the gym about this or they needed to move my DD back to compulsories for another year or so but that I was not going to stand there and watch kids who were several years more mature than my child pick on her.

Five months later and she is now the "pesky kid sister." But at least she has been accepted. You can see they get exasperated with her still but there isn't the cruelty like in the past. And there is now genuine affection as some of the girls will piggy back my DD around or fix her lopsided ponytail, etc.

So I think that if time doesn't take care of it, YOU need to take care of it. I know the conversation the coach had with the girls really made a difference. She told them my DD was part of the team and that as they were older, she expected much better behavior/acceptance out of them. She said she was disappointed by what she had seen so far. One of the older girls began crying and that really seemed to make everyone see that their actions were not acceptable.

 

[ollieblueeyes]

Its terrible that this seems to always happen when you put a bunch of females together. My DD has been dealing with one particular mean girl for years. The coaching staff knows she can be nasty but she has a questionable home life I have been told so they let some stuff slide. For some reason she has targeted my DD. Just last week DD was telling me that Mean Girl was telling her that she was not getting her skills and that she will be dropped down to the previous level. Now she is feeling insecure! Grrrr...

I told her Mean Girl is not her coach, and to call on her comments (DD said she has and it continues) try to ignore what she says and that I would talk to the coach. I guess I am just commiserating and letting you know that it happens everywhere! In the past they just keep the girls apart for the most part. Maybe this new coach will have another approach.

 

[2G1B]

Ugh. Mean kids are driving me crazy lately! And it isn't just the girls. I'm seeing it on both of my kids' teams.

We changed gyms in the summer. My 9 yo DD initially had the toughest time time. She was on a large team (18 girls for her level). Nearly all of them have been training together for years. She had previously competed AAU and this gym is all USAG, so some of the skills that have been in previous routines for the new team are things that she hadn't done (and on the flip side, she has competed some skills that they haven't - like a BWO). She is around the middle of the group age wise. At first the issues were stuff like other girls breaking in front of her almost non stop. The other girls telling her (meanly) that she was doing things wrong. And just in general them not being nice. It got worse when the coaches decided that some of the team will compete fall season and some will compete spring season. Most of the girls competing fall competed old level 4 last spring; but still needed some work, so are doing new 3 this year. My DD was old (AAU) 3 last year, hadn't competed old 4 at all. So quite a few of the girls who are competing spring seem annoyed that DD (and one other girl) are getting to compete earlier and don't seem to realize that it is because these two girls have the skills now. Slowly things seem to be working out though. I told DD that when they break to just say excuse me, and get back into her proper place in line. I told her at snack she needs to make a point of sitting with her team mates and to just working making a few friends at a time.

My younger DD has had some of the same problems (especially the cutting); but overall it hasn't been as tough. I think that the age group for her is just better and often more accepting.

And then there is DS's team... Ugh. I think that it is the one that is driving me the most crazy. Because some of what he is encountering is just kids being flat out mean. DS is the next to the youngest on his team. Apparently the youngest kid has been very free with his opinion that DS has no business competing at this level and that he should be dropped down to the level below. DS isn't as strong on floor as this kid (this kid can do those back tuck with a twist things and other flips that my son can't do; but at this level all that they *need* is ROBHS or ROBHSBHS for bonus. DS has a ROBHSBHS.) But honestly, this isn't strong on some other events that DS IS strong on - like this kid is still trying to get to 5.5 circles on the mushroom. Meanwhile DS can do the 5.5 circles, then the spindles and before breaking his elbow was close to the flares. But that doesn't stop this kid from putting my DS down. And my DS is now very self conscious of what he lacks on the floor. What annoys me with this particular kid is that any time another of the boys says anything even remotely not friendly to him (which, with him treating the other boys like that, how can you blame them for being mean to him?) he runs to his parents and the coaches and says that the other kids are being mean to him and bullying him. All of the other boys are quite a bit older, so I think that previously the assumption HAD been that the older boys were being mean to him. I think that with my DS coming along and me saying something about the things that he is pulling that the coaches are starting to see that the kid isn't this poor little nice kid who is always the victim. There is also another boy on the team who is just mean to everyone. The coaches are aware of what is going on with him and are trying to work on it; but oy. He is a handful. It has just kind of blown my mind to see that these boys are being even worse than the girls!

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

One thought I had is that these girls are just acting like 11-12 year old girls, and my DD isn't used to it because she's barely 9.

There often is a HUGE difference between 9 and 11/12 year olds. One can be still a little girl, while the others are reaching puberty/preteens. DD is in a similar type group (from an age perspective) and some of the discussions the girls have go over her head. She is by no means in a "mean girl" situation in any shape or form, but it is apparent that they see things from a completely different perspective, sometimes without realizing the inappropriateness for someone who is 9.

And pushing into the pit? That is where my alarm bells went off.....

 

[LIGYMMOM]

I'm guessing your DD's coach would want to know this is going on. If not only for the sake of "more unity, better gymnastics team", but I don't think that any coach would want that kind of atmosphere in the gym. I heard of a situation at my DD's gym where bullying was going on in the facebook arena. Head coach was alerted, and he did not stand for it. He pulled the girls aside and told them that if it went on any longer, they were off the team. Some girls don't really know how mean they're being, they're following the crowd for acceptance, and just need a wake up call.
My DD goes to a small private school as well where the girls are nice and sweet and "young". I think it's good for them to have some time with different kinds of people as they do need to build up their people and coping skills. But, so hard to see them struggle. Keep building her up at home, and teaching her to be kind to everyone, but definitely not to allow those girls to (literally) push her around! Sometimes, especially at that age, us moms need to step in and go to battle for our girls!

 

[IreneKa]

Unfortunately, this happens with the newer and younger members of the group. DD was the youngest one on her Xcel team last year. She is pretty tall for her age, and pretty mature thanks to having an older sister, and at first the girls didn't know how old she was (7 at the time, while most of the other girls were 8-10). She made friends easily and was happy, until they found out that she was ONLY 7 and ONLY in 2nd grade. There was one girl that she made friends with at the beginning, that turned out to be 2 years older. DD would come home after practice being upset and saying that X was ignoring her the whole practice, and was talking to another girl instead. I would tell her to just ignore her, and make friends with other girls, but seemed like most of them acted the same. And the worst thing about that was that she was concentrating more on this problem with the girls than on her gymnastics skills. It's gotten better toward the end of the season, after they competed in a few meets together. I guess the competition is a good bonding experience.
Later we switch to another gym for JO program. Now DD is one of the oldest in her team, and when I asked her after a few practices if she made any friends, she said yes, they like me there. I guess the reason they "like" her is because she is one of the oldest.
So, tell her to ignore the mean girls, and try to make friends with the nice ones (there has to be some). But if this continues, definitely talk to the coach. You don't want the situation to escalate so much that she doesn't enjoy going to the gym any longer. Good luck!

 

[bookworm]

I am so done with bullying on any level...my girls didn't experience much of it in their early years , and they were always the youngest in the optional group, but there were flashes of it as the years went by. I think it's terrible that a parent has to think of "what my kid could have done to precipitate this type of response from others"...sorry, that's just wrong...bullying is bullying, period.

What I'd really like to see , because i am hearing a lot more of it in the last few years with social media and stuff, is for USAG to put out some type of policy for gyms to have as backing ( and have gymnast and parent sign that they are aware of said rules) that basically states "bullying of any kind is not tolerated in gymnastics and if you do it, you're gone, end of story"....if kids started getting tossed from gyms with a one and done policy, I don't think you'd see it happening like it does now....

 

[happychaos]

It is very hard to watch your child have to take "meanness" but it is an unfortunate part of life. My DD is younger than all of her training mates and her appearance is even more striking. They are all mostly pre-teens/teens and mine still has her "boyish figure". Very much not curvy, no boobies, etc.

When she moved up to this new training group, no one would partner with her during conditioning unless the coach made them. Groups of girls would suddenly need to leave when she approached them in the gym. The worst part for me was during a handstand contest on the beam. One of our optionals always won the HS contests. However, my DD has a pretty good HS on beam as well and was now winning about half of the contests. On this particular day, all of the girls would cheer on this older girl and would clap and whoop whenever she won but there was complete silence when my DD won.

I could see the pain on my DD's face but to her credit she didn't throw the contest. I talked to the owner that day and told her that either something is done in the gym about this or they needed to move my DD back to compulsories for another year or so but that I was not going to stand there and watch kids who were several years more mature than my child pick on her.

Five months later and she is now the "pesky kid sister." But at least she has been accepted. You can see they get exasperated with her still but there isn't the cruelty like in the past. And there is now genuine affection as some of the girls will piggy back my DD around or fix her lopsided ponytail, etc.

So I think that if time doesn't take care of it, YOU need to take care of it. I know the conversation the coach had with the girls really made a difference. She told them my DD was part of the team and that as they were older, she expected much better behavior/acceptance out of them. She said she was disappointed by what she had seen so far. One of the older girls began crying and that really seemed to make everyone see that their actions were not acceptable.

This sounds very similar to DD's situation! Especially the ignoring and walking away when approached. Thank you so much for the advice. I can't believe one of the older girls started crying when talked to by the coach. That is great! I'm glad to know that there is hope that DD will be accepted. I don't need her to have BFF's at the gym, but I do expect her to be treated well.

 

[GymBeeMom]

My DD was one of the naive, sweet, kind girls and often the youngest in her training group. She always felt like nobody wanted to play with her and one girl always picked on her. The coaches did the best they could to manage the situation and I tried to help DD with coping skills. Then I watched. I realized that DD was being sweet and kind but also silly and immature, which must have been annoying to the other girls. Now my DD is 9 and is starting to not be so bouncy and silly and she is fitting in as she matures. She is still sweet and kind but has a tougher skin. It just takes time to for all of it to work out and supporting their journey through mean girls is the best we can do. I am sorry your little gymmie is going through this life lesson, it is so hard for our mommy hearts to handle.

 

[happychaos]

Thank you all SO MUCH for the solidarity and advice. I am really sad that so many girls have experienced a similar thing. I have a very high opinion of gymnasts, and believe that they are usually smarter than the average child. It seems like much of the bullying that is taking place with my DD and with others is a "below the radar" type of thing. These girls are too smart to get caught by the coach. It is a bunch of little things, day after day, that on their own aren't shockingly awful. I guess that's how it is with girls (and I guess with boys also, (2G1B).

For some reason, I feel much better after reading all of you thoughtful comments. I am sad this is so common, but very encouraged that all of your DD's and DS's have persevered.

I am going to talk with DD about what you all have shared. I am going to give it two weeks, and then talk to the coach if things don't improve.

 

[happychaos]

My DD was one of the naive, sweet, kind girls and often the youngest in her training group. She always felt like nobody wanted to play with her and one girl always picked on her. The coaches did the best they could to manage the situation and I tried to help DD with coping skills. Then I watched. I realized that DD was being sweet and kind but also silly and immature, which must have been annoying to the other girls. Now my DD is 9 and is starting to not be so bouncy and silly and she is fitting in as she matures. She is still sweet and kind but has a tougher skin. It just takes time to for all of it to work out and supporting their journey through mean girls is the best we can do. I am sorry your little gymmie is going through this life lesson, it is so hard for our mommy hearts to handle.

Thank you! This is just how it is. DD feels like no one wants to partner/play with her. Even if the outright meanness stops, I suspect this aspect will continue. I can't force girls to like her. And to adults, a few years age difference isn't much, but to kids it is a big deal.

It is the difference between needing a babysitter and BEING the babysitter.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

absolutely let the coach know. and teach her how to Moutza! and when older, the middle digit.

and based on your previous posts, you probably won't agree with me.

but, it works every time. cause after the kid gives the Moutza or middle digit, the bully comes running to us to snitch on that kid that gave them the hand gesture, whereby snitching on themselves. as you stated, this usually goes on "below the radar". this is so true and we coaches can't catch this stuff all the time.

you see, we then call over the kid that gave the hand gesture. we inquire as to why he/she performed that hand act. and the kid states that "so and so" called her fat and ugly.

of course, initially, the bully denies it. but then we question the bully as to why the other kid would just inexplicably give them the Moutza or finger. they finally fess up. and we let the bully know that each and every time the one that is being bullied by them will give them the Moutza or finger. the 2 then become best friends and allies cause receiving the Moutza or finger is much more humiliating than being bullied AND it empowers the one being bullied.

this is a plan that we approve with the parents so that they are aware of HOW we will solve the problem. and they must let their kids know that this method is for in the gym only. it's more intimate, understand? and in this way, the one being bullied does not have to be the one that snitches also. that's double pressure. we can ALWAYS depend on the bully snitching. try it and you'll see. and what about the bully's parents you ask? you really think the bully goes home and tells their parents what happened?? no way. lol.

and some of you will disagree. and yes, happychaos's daughter is only 9. but she's being pushed around by middle schooler's. unfair fight. the hand gestures level the playing field and out the bully. over time, most gyms will just kick out the bullies. i don't think this is productive as it does nothing to solve that person's problem that they are having with themselves. bully's bully for a reason.

and i don't want people to think this is a regular occurrence for our gym. it's not. and used in only special circumstances. but it works. kids will be mean.

one of my strongest (empowering) memories was watching my Mother (Italian) give some guy the finger in the grocery store back in New York when i was a child. the look on his face is is etched in my mind for all time.

 

[GymBeeMom]

Dunno. This is a creative solution and rather intriguing that it was so well-thought out. I never thought it out so clearly when I (on the rarest of occasions) pulled out the middle finger salute.